Posted by alexandra_k on July 10, 2005, at 19:26:12
In reply to Re: Understanding others » alexandra_k, posted by Deneb on July 10, 2005, at 12:25:20
> I know it upsets people. Sometimes I forget this. I'm still not so sure about why it upsets people so much. :-(
Yeah, it can be hard. I don't blame you for not understanding but I hope you do come to understand.
> Thanks, I know you are just trying to protect me now.I'm trying to help you. I don't know how much help I am / can be. Sometimes I think I'm in a good place because I think I understand where you are coming from because you remind me of me about 7 years ago. But then I also try to be careful that I don't assume you are just like I was - because everybody is different. I also have to be really careful that I don't get caught up in my old ways of thinking. I wouldn't go back there for worlds - and one day you will say the same. I really believe that.
> > Other people struggle with thoughts about death and SI. They struggle to put them out of their minds and approach life optimistically.
> I still don't understand why it is so taboo. I want to be normal like you.ROFL! I'm far from 'normal'. But then who wants to be 'normal' anyways - whatever that means.
It's not that its taboo as such its just that one has to be a bit careful about what one says. When you are in a relatively good place you can talk about it in a light hearted way. But then if someone is in a really bad place and is really struggling to put all those unhelpful thoughts away and not get swept along with them then it can be really very unhelpful to read other peoples light hearted comments on it.
> > When I hear people talk about this stuff it gets the mental images / thoughts going around in my mind.> I get them too but I kind of enjoy them for some odd reason. :-(
Yeah, I used to enjoy them too. When I was in a relatively good place especially. Have you seen the film "Girl Interrupted"? There is a book too. It is really very good. It is about a lady with borderline personality disorder. She had a preoccupation with death too. There are scenes where she is wanting to talk about it and the guy she is with is getting upset about it because he is waiting to see whether he is going to be drafted in vietnam. For her death was an idea she played with. For him death was a horrifying reality. The thing that snapped her out of it was finding her friend after she had hung herself. Suicide is brutal and gory. Most people are a little (or more than a little) afraid of death. And of their own death. Because nobody knows what really happens... Maybe the topic (of ones own death) is a little taboo...
> Just because I'm casual about it doesn't mean I'm never serious about it.Yeah. I get that - I do. But it is thinking about it all the time that makes it seem like a viable option sometimes. It is thinking about it all that time that makes the transition between playing with the idea and really getting the urge to follow through with the idea so insideous. And from there it is just one step again to coming to believe that it is the only viable option. Best to try and counter it at the first step. Easiest to counter it there. One can counter it by being careful not to talk about it in a casual way. By being careful about thinking about it in a casual way. If you want a hand with figuring out how to do that then I'm sure posters here will be willing to help you. People here are really terrific about helping people who want a hand to make their lives better. Even people who really want to want to make their lives better if you can't quite manage the former.
It is hard when thinking about it has become part of your way of life. But it is easier to break the habit when one is relatively okay than it is to try and break the links in the chain when one is going downhill.
>It is really evil of me but sometimes I feel like doing something bad to myself just to prove that I was serious about it.
You aren't evil. I hear what you are saying. I used to get that. I'd ring crisis services and tell them 'I am NOT okay'. They would brush me off. About then I'd get a really strong urge to try something just to prove to everyone that I was serious. Thats a really hard thing to break. Really hard. The truth is... that it is ultimately counter-productive anyway. If you do start doing things like that then the sad truth is that people think you are trying to manipulate them and they do not want to help you anymore :-( So very much better to say that you need a hand because you are having really strong urges and that you don't want to do anything but are having a hard time putting them out of your mind. If people can see that you are trying to help yourself then they are much more willing to go that extra mile in trying to help you.
> Please never ever taunt me to do it people. I don't want to die.I don't want you to die either. I'd never taunt you.
> I think sometimes I understand.:-) Thats good.
You need to get a clinician Deneb.
And I think... You really need to get back to school. You have said before that that was a pretty major thing with respect to giving you a reason to live. Your proff was suprised you left - he said you were going to get an A, remember. You can do this. If your proffs think you can then they would know. You just need to worry about your mental health so that that doesn't prevent you fulfilling your potential. But you need to go back there. Methinks working a dead end job for your uncle, while giving you structure and people contact which is good, is also leaving you feel trapped and like there aren't any prospects for living the life / getting the job that you want to have.It may well be the hardest thing you have ever done but you need to go back.
And you need to get a clinician. You need to be working on your anxiety and all the things that made school so hard so that it'll be easier for you to do it.
> P.S. I think I'm much better now. I don't know what came over me.
Yeah. But it will come back. I'm not meaning to be the harbinger of doom and gloom. But sometimes working out what happened when things go wrong is much easier to do when one is in a good place. And what you figure out when you are in a good place can be helpful to you when you are in a bad place.
poster:alexandra_k
thread:525223
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20050628/msgs/525901.html