Posted by Kali Munro on August 6, 2004, at 11:38:52
In reply to Re: A question for members..., posted by Toph on August 5, 2004, at 15:11:21
>>>>In my brief foray here, I have struggled with how a member can responnd in a civil way to a post that is intentionally hurtful, false, bigoted, sarcastic, contentious and/or insulting. Most group therapeutic milieux allow members some ability to police themselves.<<<<<
For sure, and I think it's useful for all of us to learn how to "police" within the communities we participate, and not simply wait for the moderator to do it.
I think it can be really hard to know whether or not someone is *intending" to be hurtful, etc. and at other times it's not hard at all, after all if someone says "you're stupid", we know pretty clearly they're trying to hurt us (even if they don't know they are!)
But unless the person is really obvious we may assume that the person is doing it intentionally when he/she may not be meaning to do it. They may not be highly empathic, or tuned into their own feelings and that of others, they may be so wrapped up in their own pain that they don't connect to other people's feelings etc. I'm not saying that it's okay to be rude and insensitive, just that people may not be acting as intentionally as we may think they are. The reason I say that is usually we are more hurt or angry when we think someone is trying to hurt us than when we think that they're out of touch, or insensitive but weren't actively trying to hurt us.
In terms of a response, well...you could say:
*"Wow, that really hurt me!" (Sometimes being short and simple is best because they get the most important part of your message and there's nothing to argue with!)
*"I think those kinds of remarks are prejudicial against women, black people, etc. because they cast women/black people etc. in a negative and false light. It's against the rules to make prejudicial comments." (assuming it is!)
*"I think so and so's post is provocative, argumentative, or uncivil (you might want to say why, or not) and I suggest that as a group we not engage with his/her post and continue on as we were. What do other people think?"
*I find your remark:...to be sarcastic, could you say it in a different way please?" (that might sound like a moderator but, hey, everyone could take on aspects of the moderating role, no?)
Do you think any of those would work for you?
Kali
poster:Kali Munro
thread:373586
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20040717/msgs/374696.html