Posted by Dr. Bob on January 31, 2001, at 21:04:24
In reply to Holding my Tongue, posted by Mark H. on January 29, 2001, at 18:20:36
> The most civil and supportive posting could be either warmly generic encouragement or a sharp suggestion that is at once honest, painful and badly needed.
Painful suggestions may sometimes be needed, but please refrain from making them here. I think in this context there's too much risk that they'll hurt instead of help. Thanks.
> Support groups, including peer support groups, need rules, guidelines, examples of forbidden behavior, and -- most importantly -- the openness and flexibility for people to try different approaches and techniques, even though doing so will inevitably lead to occasional failures and faux pas.
> If I didn't respect and admire Dr. Bob and the many wonderful people here who have made my life better, I certainly wouldn't have taken the time to write the above, so please keep that in mind. I think the size and scope of the board, the sheer quantity of responsibility, may tempt Dr. Bob to seek inappropriately simple solutions to complex issues of social interaction, a tiny fraction of which are at times problematic.
I do appreciate the time everyone is taking to hash this out. Hopefully, it'll lead to improvements in the site (or the way the site is run :-).
I think we agree except on how specific the rules should be. I've resisted trying to list all the ways it's possible to be uncivil, I'm not sure I could -- or if it would help.
My theory is that it's rarely unawareness of what "civil" means that leads to uncivil posts. I think either (1) posters lose their cool, (2) they know they're being uncivil but feel it's justified (for example, as "tough love"), or (3) their primary intention is just to provoke.
> expressions of irritation and annoyance can be entirely civil and appropriate, and they are part of the range of feedback that is normal not only in peer groups but also as part of the social experience. If all feedback ... is "supportive" in the sense recently enforced here, then there is no permitted mechanism for saying, "Hey! I think you're behavior is inappropriate!"
I agree, expressions of irritation can be civil -- but they aren't necessarily. For example, "I-statements" such as "I felt put down by what you said" tend to be more productive than "you-statements" such as the above.
Bob
PS: Sorry about not getting this posted sooner, especially because things seem to be settling down now, but I've been having (more!) computer problems...
poster:Dr. Bob
thread:388
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20001124/msgs/490.html