Posted by SLS on May 3, 2009, at 20:03:16
In reply to Re: rilutek / namenda harm?, posted by uncouth on May 3, 2009, at 16:55:03
> All I know is that I'm in a state of misery that seems to get worse every day, and sooner or later, I'm going to just decide to get outta here. So it's a race against the clock I feel like, trying to find that combo that will work, before my time is up.
There is quite a bit of uncertainty as to what, if anything, awaits us on the other side. One of the things that helped me stay on this side is that I don't believe that there is a hereafter. I'm not sure, of course. However, I am sure about the moment. It seems to me that you only get one chance to go around in this universe as you. I would rather bet that there is no hereafter and make decisions based upon that supposition. It is logical. However, I believe that there are situations where it is logical to execute an act of autoeuthanasia. There were times when I thought it was INEVITABLE that I would take my own life. This was an act of logic. This is not the same as being in suicidal state, where the feelings of suicidality become dominant over all others.
I have had certain psychotropic drugs put me in suicidal states that were not the product of situational depression. I believe there is a neuropsychobiological state that can cause someone to commit suicide without reason. This is usually accompanied by either anxiety or anger. It is an act of impulse rather than deliberation. It feels like it is your thoughts that are producing feelings of suicide, but it is really the opposite way around. Suicidal feelings evolve thoughts of ending one's life for reasons that seem rational. Again, I do believe in a rational suicide (autoeuthanasia). However, the depressive state itself colors ones thoughts and feelings black. So, how do you determine whether your judgment is affected by the illness? It is a paradox of sorts. I would not try to convince you that such things are in your future. However, it is a gamble that you might one day find a treatment that hits your unique target and allows you to emerge out of the blackness to a bright new world in which you function with great ease.
I waited 27 years for a treatment to produce a stable improvement. I am not in remission at the moment. However, I believe I am close enough such that I am trying to add augmenting drugs one by one to a core treatment regime. I must break through a wall that a plateau in response has placed before me.
I fully identify with your current thoughts and feelings. I have been there for long stretches of time. However, what better choice do I have but to continue searching for effective treatment? This issue really deserves many more paragraphs to address properly. I would suggest to you that you learn to be able to recognize the thoughts that are the voice of the depression. This is probably best accomplished by recognizing suicidal feelings. When the feelings produce the thoughts, you are in trouble. When the thoughts produce the feelings, you are probably closer to exercising good judgment.
You would not be a coward to want to give up. Learned helplessness is a bitch. Every man has his breaking point. You may have reached this point a long time ago, in which case you probably feel passive such that you tend to let things happen to you without offering resistance. I must say, though, that your aggressive pursuit of health shows that you still have quite a bit of fight left in you. Despite your feelings that your current path will lead you to autoeuthanasia, you are still fighting. You are still being positive and constructive. You can decide to kill yourself anytime. There is no reason to place an arbitrary deadline on attaining your mental health. Keep working. You are probably tired and fatigued, from fighting so hard against what has thus far been an unrelenting depression. It is so hard. You don't deserve this.
I can't guarantee that you will ever get well. However, I can say that you will never get well if you take your life. I think you deserve the opportunity to live without depression. It would make all the suffering worth it.
Take a deep breath. You deserve it.
It is selfish of me to want you to remain in the world. I hope you can forgive me.
:-)
- Scott
poster:SLS
thread:894035
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20090426/msgs/894108.html