Posted by Maxime on March 23, 2005, at 22:45:45
Hi.
I haven't been able to get out of bed let alone to the computer. I can't respond to the Babble Mails I have received or the posts on the board so I will do an abridged version here.
I want to thank everyone who has reached out to me and told me to not give up. It means a lot to me especially when I have no support here in real life.
TAMARA, you are a special person for making those initial phone calls. I don't know if I can make the follow up call right now. My word find is so bad I don't think I would be able to make myself understood on the phone.
ED, you are a sweetheart. Period. xxxx
PHILLIPA, your words of encouragement are so kind.
SCOTT, I wish I could "make you come out here" and get me and bring GG with you.
ACE, I am thinking about you as come off the Nardil. You can do it!
"C", your post made me cry so hard because you nailed it on how I feel.
MILAN KUNDERA CHARACTER, your babble mail touched me very deeply.
The situation is that I have tried everything. Like I have said before over 40 meds and various combos. Parnate was the last med that pooped out on me. I tried Nardil twice and was so violently ill on it that it's clearly not for me.
Treatment wise I have the option of ECT which I will not do. DBS study isn't going to happen.
Now I have no more energy to look into anything else. So I will stay in bed and wait. Going into the hospital isn't an option because what the f*ck can they do? I will get tricked into having ECT.
I have no money to go anywhere for consultations. I now have 3 dollars to my name. 3 dollars. That's it. I have no income. I have nothing.
I know that my eating disorder makes my depression worse, but where am I suppose to get treatment? Do I look anorexic? No. There was a point when I was 70 pounds but that is not the case anymore. My metabolism is screwed up.
My pdoc doesn't even know what to do anymore. And no I can't find another because it would take months and months and I would have to see someone in my f*cking postal code area because Quebec has to be so "distinct" that it sectorized psych services! And I live in a French area and I although I am bilingual, I can't see a psychiatrist who is French. I can't explain how I feel in French. I already saw him (the one in my postal code area) 2 years ago and he told me that if I had a boyfriend and a sex life that I would be fine. I waited 9 months for this pdoc and that was what he came up with.
So I am in a cage and there is a big lock on it and I don't know how to get the key.
Maxime
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If I were thinking clearly, Leonard, I would tell you that I wrestle alone in the dark, in the deep dark, and that only I can know. Only I can understand my condition. You live with the threat, you tell me you live with the threat of my extinction. Leonard, I live with it too.
- The Hours
poster:Maxime
thread:474819
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20050322/msgs/474819.html