Posted by Scott in Vermont on August 19, 2004, at 22:23:32
I'm losing faith in my new mix. No, I haven't been on it that long. Yes, I know it takes longer than this for any meds to have a fair chance.
I'm 10mg Lexapro in the morning (and want to go back to 20, I feel jumpy all the time, I don't know if it's the absense of the anti-anxiety agent or what, but I feel like a spooked dog)
then it's 200mg Topamax (which doesn't feel even a bit different than 100mg, which didn't feel different from 50mg)
nighttime it's 25mg of (I'm going to spell this wrong and I'm too lazy to look it up) Seraquil and let me tell you, THAT makes a difference. I take it about 30 minutes before bedtime and I sleep fine, but until about 1pm the next day I'm operating with a waterlogged brain. I feel sluggish, dopey, and sometimes even stupid, such as I can't figure out simple equations or remember basic grammar. I don't "know for a fact" if it is the Seriquil or if it is the Ativan or a mix of the two.
Speaking of which, I'm taking anywhere from 1mg to 4mg of Ativan a day "as needed". Because I feel so twitchy and spooked, I've been spending more time trying to be "level"... it sort of works, sort of doesn't. I tried the Seriquil in the place of the Ativan once... bad idea. That was a "go home in the middle of work" day.
And all that is just describing the physical effects the meds are having on my head. The rest of my body... I feel weak (I can still lift the same, but I feel like I can't) I feel like if I stop moving I can fall asleep at any moment (even though I can't really, I tried... I felt kind of fuzzy/hazy, but didn't actually go out) and I feel like every muscle in my body is sore 24/7. That one is real. I really am sore, it really feels like every one, and taking asprin doesn't do much. It's not stabbing screaming pain, it's a dull burn, not quite an ache, but a constant dull sore, like when you move you really know it's there.
I'll skip the GI stuff. We've all been there.
And then, the main reason I'm taking all of this stuff. To get better. To control the beast. To calm the raging storm. Or, to skip the dramatic metaphors, to not become another bipolar suicide statistic. That's the reason my muscles ache and my head feels wrapped in Saran wrap and I feel like I'm listening to people talk backwards under water... right?
If that's the case, I'll tell you the truth. I may as well be drinking beer. At least with beer, I'd be getting a buzz I understood. And the prescription isn't nearly as hard to fill and sure as all get out isn't nearly as expensive (and a side bonus, you can redeem the bottle! ha) All kidding aside, my meds aren't doing the job they are supposed to be doing. But like I in the 2nd and 3rd sentences of this ridicilously long post, I haven't been on it that long, and I know it takes longer than this for any meds to have a fair chance. But that doesn't help me tonight.
But anyway... I'm just complaining out loud about my med on the Med board because I'm not happy the direction my head is still going and the side-effects I'm having both emotional and physical and I'm tired of my musical Med merry-go-round and I don't know what to do and it's 11:25pm and no one is around and it's Thursday night and I've been trying so hard to keep things under wraps and I just feel especially challanged tonight but I don't want to talk to a "real person" and I don't post on Social anymore... so I guess I better wrap this up with a Meds question to keep this on the Meds board- Has anyone else that has come to this point found a solution? I know somone out there has had to hit the wall harder than this with meds. Someone has been there. Please, tell me how you faced it, and what you did to get through it. I know in the end I have to keep taking my meds and get through this, even if it means yet another meds change... that's the rational part of me but wow... I am so sick of this.
As always, all responses read and appreciated.
-Scott
PS- Nobody freak out, I'll be here tomorrow. I'm just blowing off steam in the form of getting information about how to cope with waiting for meds to catch up with ... expectations? Hopes? I don't know what to call it. Opinions on that one appreciated as well.
poster:Scott in Vermont
thread:379695
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040817/msgs/379695.html