Posted by Daemon on March 28, 2004, at 9:24:05
Hi Folks,
yet another post on klonopin sorry :O\Here's my story; a timeline of my psychology:
In car accident at 16 yrs old.
Seriously bullied- had a nervous breakdown and had to change schools, stopped going to school.
Started heavy drinking, suicidal thoughts.
Finally ended up going back to a [great] school (graduated).
Began smoking marajuana.
Started university
Tried lsd about 3 times.
At the end of first year beginning to have
generalised anxiety disorder: looking in the fridge for something to eat- trying to make a decision on what to eat was so overwhelming I would give up and not eat.Was put on Prozac. Remember feeling motivated but also wanting to live alone on an island with just my dog. (mum says I was hyper on it)
Kept smoking. Started abusing hayfever medication.
Stopped taking prozac abruptly; went on a drug binge which included speed, amanita muscaria, cough syrup and other stuff.
Ended up in hospital for overdose.
Some time later (all memory of that year is %^*#$ up) I was put into local psychiatric hospital for about a week because of an acute drug induced psychosis- might have been diagnosed with
schizophrenia.On many meds like Risperidal.
Took one year to become 'normal' but because of the psychosis I lost my personality,
I forgot completely how to interact with people and became like a robot zombie (was actually told by several people that I was 'creepy').
Got extreme agorophobia with panic attacks in public and also G.A.D. again
but very bad.Overcame panic attacks with exposure therapy and Busparone. GAD went away. Came back mildly for a few years on and off..
Not taking anything.
Started smoking and drinking again.
Put on amitriptyline/Endepp; gave up smoking and the frequent binge drinking.
I have the book Diagonally Parked in a Parallel Universe: Working Through Social Anxiety which is very extensive and has been helpful somewhat.
From a test in there: I'm yes to all, no panic attacks any more but very avoidant.
Do you experience intense and persistent anxiety when you're exposed to feared social or performance situations?
Do you feel nervous anticipating future feared social or performance situations?
Do you feel nervous about meeting strangers?
Do you feel nervouse about being observed or structinized, evaluated by others?
Do you feel your nervouseness is excessive or unreasonable for the real danger present?
Do you avoid these feared social or performance situations or endure them while experiencing considerable distress?
Does anxious anticipation of the feared social or performance situations significantly interfere with your activities, relationships or normal routines?
Some of my problems are that I avoid the super market; I don't mind some shops and stores,
I avoid the mall like the plague; but weirdly I'm less anxious in the city for some reason
amongst Big crowds though still feel awkward etc in personal interactions with strangers ( I live in rural Australia).Am 27 and have never worked before. I want to volunteer for some experience
and enter a government graduate recruitment scheme to work in a government department
after I finish my Masters (yes I got the degree at university only took me over 6 yrs!) but
the idea of several interviews let alone one scares the *%^# out of me.Only just learning to drive- had fear of others laughing/harassing etc at me but everyone is a learner to begin with so it's an unrational fear isn't it.
Avoid making phone calls or answering the phone, usually stay in the car when we go
out (mum and I).Can't use public restrooms unless it's a single enclosed stall even then noise from someone outside will stop me.
Get extremely nervous if in public and come across more than one guy- especially
like teenagers (this is like a leftover side effect from the bullying I think).Get inappropriate thoughts sometimes- offensive thoughts or insults about other people because of my nervousness the thinking seems to out of control).
Can't look anyone in the eyes in conversation, even with my counseller (who I see as part of
special support program with government welfare and is ok but not that great helping
with my SAD) I usually look at his left eye.Hard to explain: but I think people are looking talking about me or if they're not they will be because they must notice that I'm trying to tell myself that they are not looking or talking about me! thus being odd weird- a vicious stupid cycle!
I always think people must think there must be something wrong with me.
Get a dry mouth when talking to a stranger for a while- did one presentation in a tutorial where I could hardly speak it was like the Sarhara desert.
So I've read heaps and finally decided to ditch the Amitriptyline a: because of the side effects: constipation, urinary retention, weight gain and sedation (hard time getting out of bed, though have always been like that!) and b: the Social Anxiety Disorder.
I did try taking the Endepp during times when I would be anxious but it is the sedation that takes off the anxiety's edge which makes me too
dopey/tired)..I've decided klonopin might be my best bet *but* I have questions and issues.
Dependence is fine- I mean I've been on Endepp (Amitriptiline) for years now and I would gladly take a med for the rest of my life:
BUT I don't want to build tolerance and require more and more.
So should I take it daily?- I'm not socially anxious right now but I would be if
I went into a mall so should I take it as needed like before if I were going into a mall?Should I take it daily for 'maintenance' and something else like Atvia/Xanxa for 'breakthrough'? (what is breakthrough anyway? times/situations that are extra anxiety causing? )
What If I get my dream job and become comfortable with the environment should I stop taking it either daily or as needed?
Endepp helps me get to sleep at night- I'm a late night owl insomniac but once I get to sleep I love being asleep for like 10 hours
If klonopin were to help with the anxiety and doesn't give a high there is NO way on earth I'd want to abuse it and end up with the anxiety again.
My only drugs of abuse now are sugar and coffee :OP
I understand no one here can offer 'expert medical advice; but I'd be grateful to hear
anyones opinions and experiences on the issues and questions I've raised.Okay well it's late here in Aus and my Endepp is starting to kick in so goodnight fellow babblers. :O)
Daemon.
P.S. it's wonderful that here is a place that people can talk seriously about mental illness or problems without the social stigma or ridicule- if only the real world were more understanding.
poster:Daemon
thread:329393
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20040325/msgs/329393.html