Posted by horseluvr on September 10, 2003, at 9:38:43
Hi,
Stumbled across this site accidentally. I'm 26 years old and by all appearances, have everything going for me but the reality is that I'm a mess. Growing up, I was the quiet, shy girl who spent class after class in a dream world doodling horses in my notebooks. I was very artistic and was told by my retired art teacher that in all her years of teaching, 4 students stood out in her mind and I for some reason was one of them (I mention this because I've read that artistic ability can be tied to ADD). In any case, despite being unable to pay attention in class, nor being able to sit and study at home, I still pulled decent grades, though as I grew older, my grades suffered a little more each year. Reading just put me to sleep--but if something interested me, I could read for hours. This is still true even today. Regarding tests, if the material bored me, I flunked but if it was intriguing, I would get 100s on the tests. Notetaking was tedious and when it was required and checked, I sometimes wrote the notes upside down and backwords (I can do that quite easily) just to confuse the teachers. I'm not sure how I made it through highschool as there were a lot of family problems at home. My first year of college, I was set on putting my inmaturity behind me and becoming valedictorian. I wanted to prove to my parents that I could be a success. Even though I'd never taken school seriously and remarks that I was a scatterbrain, that I'd forget my head if it wasn't attached, that I had the attention span of a housefly, etc. stuck in my head, I decided to ignore these remarks and focus instead on remarks that my IQ seemed above average (if only she'd work harder). But college life was too much for me--I'd sit down with every intention of studying but find myslef asleep or doing all sorts of other things (none of which I ever finish). Reports and other papers seemed tortuous and it wasn't until the adrenaline set in the evening before they were due that I could complete them. By my second semester, I somehow caught mono and gave up the school idea. I got involved with the wrong crowd and started taking drugs and drinking. I was desperate at the close of the year to get my grades up and managed to pass. My parents kicked me out that summer at the age of 18. I lived with 2 separate families for a month each and eventually got an apartment. I waitressed for a couple of years and eventually secured a position in a co. as a receptionist. I worked my way up and after a merger and another upstart, I am still with that management today. I am now the manager of the Human Resource dept. but in fear every day for my job. I know the CEO keeps me because we are small and as far as integrity, loyalty, honesty and dedication, he doesn't know if he can replace me. But I make so many mistakes and I find it impossible to focus and as the company grows, my days are getting more and more difficult. I desperately want to be successful and an asset to the company but I am so un-productive. I wake up each morning thinking of all I want to accomplish but feel helpless to complete anything. My finances are a wreck--I am already bankrupt--and I am so impulsive that I don't trust myself if I had money. My dream is to return to school but I have no energy and the idea of studying leaves me practically paralized--I can't be a failure again. About a year ago, I was put on Wellbutrin for depression by my doctor because I just wanted out. It helped and in retrospect, I remember that I was a little more focused when taking it. Due to a sick pet and his medical bills and my dislike of chemicals in my body, I took myself off of it earlier this year and the static in my head (like those old tv s without reception) seemed to be increasing. Last week, a friend sent me samples of Wellbutrin SR because I can't afford a prescription but I know this isn't the answer. I went to my doctor to get tested for ADHD-inattentive after hearing a program on the radio. I didn't know what they were discussing but it was about someones daughter and she sounded just like me. I was about to change the station until I realized what they were talking about and to hear a name put to my insecurities and fears and inabilities made me just ball my eyes out in my car. But I can't seem to find anywhere that will test me as an adult; the universities don't call me back and the doctors my healthcare provider recommended don't perform the tests. I'm desperate to know and find some sort of medication that will help as I start a new job on Monday where my responsibilities will triple and I'm so, so scared. Please help me...
poster:horseluvr
thread:258686
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030907/msgs/258686.html