Posted by cubbybear on January 29, 2003, at 10:17:45
In reply to Re: In the depths of depression--please help » LyndaK » cubbybear, posted by LyndaK on January 29, 2003, at 0:44:51
Dear Lynda,
You said it--posting on this site is the closest thing I have to therapy at this time. I was feeling a trifle better yesterday, and then today I crashed down deeper than I ever did in any and all previous depressions. Have you ever had that happen? --These little "false starts" where somehow, for some reason, you feel a little better for a day or two, then you go back down again, maybe worse than before?
I slept decently last night--thanks to the Klonopin, but the garbage that goes on regularly in the Thai school system plus a very disturbing E-mail note from my mother threw me into another tailspin today.
My depression actually encompasses SO many issues, all mixed into one unending nightmare. It would fill pages and pages to tell it all and I don't want to burden you with that and don't have the strength to do it now. A couple of things that I'd like you to know, are that there's only one more month of school in the semester here, so if I'm not better by the end of February, it could be a horrible scenario--little or no work to keep me occupied.
I've also been making a pest of myself, phoning my co-teacher friend, Bill (whose former job in California was in social work, treating alcohol and drug addicted people so he has a lot of knowledge about depression.) But I don't want to bother him too much.
My pdoc told me NOT to go running off to the hospital every time I feel a psychological emergency--he's obviously trying to get me to become less dependent andto fight this thing out on my own. But today I felt such horrible pain that I wondered just where do you draw the line? I wasn't feeling consciously suicidal, but I felt bad enough, and wanted to go running into this man's office and cry out for help. I know that there's really nothing they can do for you--it's in your own hands, as well as the meds. Maybe something positive will come out of our regular session on Friday.
You're right to be concerned that I'm still not feeling any effect from the Aurorix at this point. It's worse than ever, in fact, and I will certainly tell him on Friday.
Mty plan is to go the U.S. in March for the Parnate if the Aurorix proves to be a failure. I don't think I told you previously, but my "home" there is L.A. I'd be going there to do personal business then visit my mom and step-father (both in their 70s) in Phoenix.
This whole thing of course, is taking its toll on my mother. Everyone knows what the family of a depressed person has to go through. I thought I could tell my mother most anything about all the meds I've been on (via E-mail) but in her last letter, it was apparent that she misconstrued a lot of stuff and that made matters worse--in other words, it made ME feel worse. Do you get the picture of what's going on here? I'm feeling so utterly sick, I don't know what to do, who to speak to, where to run. I feel like my entire life is hanging on a hair. The pain of deep depression is so horrible.
You talked about faith and prayer. In the traditional sense, I'm not religious, but I pray all the time; I do believe in God or as some people would say, a Higher Power. That's all I can do when I'm lying on my bed feeling the pain.
Lastly, you ended your last note by saying Keep Talking. I guess you mean that I should keep posting. I will do that if you will please keep in touch with me regularly and hold my hand through this ordeal and try to give me hope that I'll survive it and be happy some day again--right now, it seems only like the end is on the way and it'll never stop.
poster:cubbybear
thread:137446
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20030125/msgs/138121.html