Posted by Jerrympls on October 7, 2002, at 20:10:20
Hi all
I was on Vicodin daily for a 2-3weeks following a procedure that - of course - left me in a lot of pain until just recently. During my "vicodin days, " my depression lifted significantly - my socialabiliy was almost back at 100%, my sense of humor, wit, ability to laugh re-blossomed. My confidence level increased a bit. At work I received a raise and praise regarding my office morale, motivation and willingness to help others. I felt more able to take on a couple extra projects. Overall my general sense of well-being was knocked up a 2 or 3 notches.
Then, I no longer had need for the Vicodin - for my physical pain because things had healed. Now -a couple weeks post-Vicodin, I feel terrible most of the time. I have no interest in anything. I only look forward to food. I don't laugh as much and it's too much work to use wit. I can barely make myself go to work none the less wake up for it. I've been having terrible bouts of anxeity and insomnia. My work performance has decreased significantly to the point of being called in for a private meeting with my two supervisors regarding my numerous sick days taken. They know I am dealing with an illness, but that's not gonna get me out of anything. I have no motivation for anything - don't listen to music -struggle to spend time with friends......The list goes on and on. And one would think being on:
20mg Lexepro
60mg Dexedrine
1mg Ativan 3x daily
10mg Ambienand a borg implant device - I'd be living life to its fullest.
All I do now is think about how suicide would help me in a pinch if I needed to escape all this. Not that I am planning suicide. I just fantasise about it. I feel flat, grey, plain, bored, unimportant, and hungry.
At work, most are sympathetic - but I haven't fully disclosed my condition to anyone except our Chief of Staff. She's been great throughout my downs. However, she's worried others in the office will be suspicious and/or upset about the amount of time I have taken for being sick, etc. My other supervisor - who I am not sure knows of my depression - has been trying her best to be sympathetic -but she's more of a "pull yourself up by your boot straps" kinda person. I'm afraid I'll be yelled at for the projects I have lost to procrastination.
I've been researching my rights under the Disability Acts - however, I don't want to go into these meetings and all the sudden spout off about how I have depression and it's the cause of everything so they can't blame me - you know? But - at the same time - it is what is holding my head underwater.
I wish I could tell my doc about the Vicodin. He wants to add lamactil to my cocktail. My research thus far points to a severe problem with cortisol-type depression. I am supposed to see an endocrineologist. But all of this will take time - and I am afraid that by the time all the tests have been done and another medication trial of something that is hitting the wrong part of my depression symptoms - I'll have gone crazy or just given up requiring hospoitalization. I fear I'll lose my job and friends.....I see no light at the end of this tunnel.
Why can p-docs see that opioids help TD depression tremendously? If nothing else helps me and I've been on ALL SSRIs, Effexor, Trazodone, Remeron, Serzone,Wellbutrin, Ascendin, Imipramine, Desipramine, Nortryptaline, Cytomel, Ritlain, Adderall, Dexedrine, Seroquel, Lithium, Depakote, Neurontin, Tegretol, Naltrexone (for SSRI aug.), Parnate, Lexepro, ECT and bionic implants - why not let me be on Vicodin ( i guess it's hycrodone? without the tylenol part)? I didn't take any more than prescribed when on it and have never abused any drug including alcohol or stimulants?
How do I defend myself at work?
How do I get better? If I take unpaid leave at work - what money do I live on? I live paycheck-to-paycheck.
Dear God help me.........
thanks in advance to anyone who responds.
email: slateman@mn.rr.com
poster:Jerrympls
thread:122705
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20021006/msgs/122705.html