Posted by IsoM on April 11, 2002, at 19:37:01
In reply to Re: Please, some help is needed... » learningagain, posted by ChrisK on April 10, 2002, at 5:07:09
I'd like to ask everyone not to jump on me with hob-nailed boots for this thought. My experience is not that common & definitely isn't the norm with depressed people. But I'm only posting this as a cautionary comment for others to be aware of this possibility.
My ex-husband definitely did/does have severe depression - he was never faking it, I know. It runs in his family too. But he often used to say things to me like that, of not being able to be here anymore, talked about suicide quite often over the years & it was only his responsibility to us that was preventing him. Talked lots of how he'd end his life if anything ever happened to me. When he'd be gone for hours at a time without saying where he was going & with no reason for leaving the house, I often wondered if he had done it & when he'd finally return, I'd be in tears. I lived in a state of constant turmoil & stress.
A number of years ago, he decided he didn't want to be married any more (the burden was too much for him with his depression, but there was lots more best left unsaid) & left. My sons were 14, 20 & 21 and stayed with me for a while - we were all in turmoil, it was a VERY rough year with two sons suicidal too. But they were adults now & had seen first hand the whole family scenerio played out daily for them. It was them who informed me that even though Dad was really depressed, he was also using it as a tool, in their opinion. It's when I first learned about passive aggression.
I think initially, my ex-husband never meant to use it that way, but it just naturally evolved over the years - perhaps an adaptive process fed by my concern. love, & responses. I wonder if it had been brought to his & my attention, & if he'd had therapy (he rejected any attempts), where things would be today.
If anyone thinks this may be a pattern that a loved one is developing, I'd urge you to intervene thoughtfully to prevent them from making their life, & others that love them, a hell.
poster:IsoM
thread:102401
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20020408/msgs/102806.html