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Re: Anyone reached the feeling good stage ? » sid

Posted by nightlight on January 19, 2002, at 21:16:04

In reply to Anyone reached the feeling good stage ?, posted by sid on January 15, 2002, at 10:14:53

Dear Sid-

I have seen this asked more than once over the yrs. I've read P-B, altho more often the ? is worded, "how do I know if my medication is really working?" It's not the exact same ?, but brings about responses in a similar vein. I think we all wonder at times, is this as good as it gets-for me, damned, acursed depressive/neurotic that I am?

My initial response has to be, no, I'm not at the 'feel good' stage yet,at least not at *all* consistently. But the past 2 months have allowed me to quickly glimpse the other side, and I am definitely feeling that I might be back in the race.
It's a good ? & one I've asked it of myself many times. Since I have been blessed with a loving family & good friends, respectible intelligence (tho I never finished college, for psychiatric reasons) and a deep love & appreciation for art, animals, nature, reading & simply 'learning' new stuff, I've often wondered, what the hell is this? This apathy, leaden limbed-ness, total lack of interest in the people and things that have always interested me, at least to some degree. What demon swooped down and stole my personality, along with euthymic side of my soul? Or, am I just not rational or objective enough to realize that this is life, and if I can't manage to squeeze some satisfaction and joy out of it, then I'm just a loser, period.

I've had undiagnosed and unaddressed ADD for decades. Plus, lots of symptoms of anxiety/depression. I kept my life simple-nonsocialite husband who wanted dogs, not kids, easy job (boring as hell), kept friends to a minimum, so I cd. isolate as often as possible and lived in a separate state from my immediate family to avoid them thinking I was simply lazy and irresponsible when I didn't always come home for various holidays. I avoided the people I loved most b/c I knew something was wrong w/me, annd I felt ashamed.

When my 1st partner and I divorced 10 years ago, I slowly began seeking help. My dad had had a nervous breakdown 1 year earlier. If he cd. see a shrink, so could I, and if he cd. have a mental illness, then why couldn't I? Before he got sick, I was very afraid of seeking help, because, I knew n/t about p-docs and I really feared the intimacy & vulnerability I wd. have to experience. I believed in my heart I was definitely, somehow *screwy* and unstable, but I had no traumatic childhood to reveal & certainly no repressed memories or emotional negligence to report.
I moved back to my hometown after my divorce and into my old room (!) at Mom & Dad's. I was able to transfer within my retail co. to the store I had first worked in 12 yrs. earlier. Being close to my parents made me feel safer-I was 36-but I never confided my fears of mental instability to anyone.
I 'faked' it. And, probably not all that well. I spent LOTS of time alone in my room, reading, painting, drinking my little glasses of wine, & of course, sleeping.

Life grew complicated, however. Funny how that happens when u actually begin to 'live' ur life, instead of hiding. My 'simple' job b/c too stressful and I walked out (after a respectful conversation w/my boss). I'm sure she was glad I had finally left, my abilities were nose-diving, & I couldn't keep up. Stress & depression were destoying my ability to think clearly.

I nursed my dad thru a long bout of staff infection after bypass surgery, took a couple part-time jobs, fell in love quite unexpectedly with one of my best male friends' friends, got pregnant (!), had a shotgun wedding (hehe) at 40 while 6 mos. pregnant, had my first child, etc, etc etc.

After I quit breastfeeding, I started searching frantically for meds/therapy that cd. cure my, 'Is that all there is, is that all there is,'blues' syndrome.(Gotta love that Peggy Lee song).
I had mega-responsibilities now, and they were growing by the day, I had newly diagnosed health problems, had trouble working part-time due to chronic pain, Mom developed colon cancer and Dad had a myriad of health/anxiety disorder problems and I was the only close relative in the city, my siblings had moved out of state, so, I KNEW I had to get well. (My parents never made many close friends, due to my dad's anxiety/panic problems. Never in my life, do I remember my parents going 'out' to dinner, alone, w/the kids, or with friends. It made him incredibly dysphoric, we thought was eccentric, but he was always the coolest dad in the neighborhood-great storyteller, loved the outdoors and teaching kids about the wonders of the natural world-he was an atheist/agnostic & altho he never 'dissed' God, he preferred to explain how things really worked & he also loved to whip out his delightful repertory of ghost stories, some of which he himself had experienced.

God, Im dragging this out, but a little history helps clarify-I have had a psychologist, neurologist, g.p & psychiatrist in the past 5 years. I tried many, many, many A-D's thru these years, and to NO avail. I had a brief response to Wellbutrin.

It was lovely. I *wanted* to get up every morning, I wanted to clean up a bit, cd. actually figure out how to render order from disorder, &make a meal for my husband & child without being completely drained for the rest of the day. I could walk to the mailbox or do yardwork without feeling like everyone was staring at me. I loved getting up at dawn, just to have an hour by myself to be quiet, read the paper (w/o the news giving me an anxiety attack or wondering how ANYBODY on earth cd. really believe there's a benevolent god floating around up there, somewhere, taking such *wonderful* care of each and every soul on earth).

But, it pooped out quickly. My dad died suddenly in 2000, and my mom was (finally) diagnosed w/organic brain syndrome (Alzheimer's). She'd covered it well, but I knew she was very ill. I cared for her 'til her death in April of last year, and then the bottom dropped out. I had skimmed along by sheer willpower, the skin of my teeth, klonopin and my pain medication (3 herniated discs) until last summer. Then fell into the pit. I laid on the living room sofa, not eating, reading, watching TV-nothing. Just looking at the walls, grieving and crying at first, and then simply sleep, or nothing-random ruminations, complete inertia, much physical pain. And...lying in bed day after day is hell on a bad back.

After many weeks of that, I found the energy to go hound my gp some more, we got my pain under control, & then my best friend (who knew by now, I was desperately depressed) told me she wd. let me see *her* therapist. (She didn't want me to before, even tho she raved over him, and she knew I really wanted to get some help). Quite serendipitously, she had just found out that he was MARRIED, so now she didn't care if I saw him or not! I was too sick to be angry, I saw him quickly, twice, really liked him-he said I needed a stimulent and A-D most likely-got me an appt. w/an open-minded p-doc 3 floors up and by the end of 2 1/2 weeks, I had re-experienced a few 'moments of clarity' and, I thank the Great-Whomever, rediscovered the hope which supposedly 'springs eternal in the human breast.'

HOPE is a biggie. I REALLY lost that for awhile.
My docs and I are still working on therapy and med combos, but, I AM BETTER than I have been in many, many years. I have a great deal to re-learn, and if I am getting well, that frightens me a bit, too. MORE responsibility! But, of course, it's what I want, before all my friends and family give up on me and my cryptic (and seemingly rude, or at least, thoughtless) behaviour.

So, Sid, when it's kind of a drag to go to bed, and you're anxious for the next new day to come, so you can bask in the simple pleasures of human existence that you've had seemingly *no access* to for years, months, decades, whatever--you'll know your feeling better. You'll know that you're probably even feeling pretty good!

My heart goes out to u and I wish u strength in ur struggle.
ps`
Are u old enuf to remember Peggy Lee's 60's hit?
**************************************************
Is that all there is?

Is that all there is?

If, that's all there is my friend, then let's keep dancing....

Let's break out the booooze & have a ball...

If that's allllll.....

There is......


> Hi all,
> I saw my doc this morning, continuing at 75 mg of Effexor XR for a while longer.
>
> She mentioned that once I "feel good," I will stay on the med(s) at least one more year to avoid relapses once I come off it(them). Problem is, I don't know what it's like to "feel good." I've had dysthymia since I was 13 years old (I think) and anxiety for as long as I can remember, so any improvement over a pretty low baseline is "feeling good" to me.
>
> As a result, I can't imagine how we'll decide that I'm at the right dosage and I need to tough it out one more year. Sometimes I think I complain too much and should live more and ask myself less how it is I am doing today. I also think that if I felt really good, perhaps I would not ask myself how I am doing. I am confused with it all. Any insights? What is it like to "feel good"?
>
> - Sid


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