Posted by Mike O on June 21, 2000, at 16:24:10
In reply to Re: ChrisKquestion about suicidal thoughts, posted by ChrisK on June 19, 2000, at 13:35:33
> Libby,
>
> My suicidal obsession came to fruition with OD's twice in a 3 month period. Each was bad enough to put me in ICU for a few days. I just became so upset with feeling worthless and a burden to everyone in my family that all I wanted to do was get out of their way. Deep down I thought that they would all be better off without me. I felt a burden to my wife and my parents because I was unable to maintain a job and felt terrible about asking them for the financial support I needed to get by.
>
> After getting out of the psych hospital for the second time I found a pdoc who I sort of liked. At the time it was "sort of" because I was in such a bad state that I was just barely surviving from day to day.
>
> Eventually I stabilzed some of my depression problems with Nortriptyline but the suicidal ideations were still there. That's when the Zyprexa came into the picture. Within 2-3 of starting it the ideations started to subside. I felt like I could almost think straight for periods of time. It isn't perfect but it sure cleared my head more than anything else I had ever tried and that includes everything from SSRI's to Neurontin to Risperidal.
>
> I really feel like it gave me a new life. I am still taking it after well over a year and I notice the changes in my thought patterns if I miss two doses in a row.
>
> I was never manic or have rage problems. I would just disappear into my den and keep all of those horrible thoughts to myself. It was a hard thing to do because deep down I wanted help but couldn't explain how I felt to my family.
>
> If you feel like you may hurt yourself please contact somebody or take yourself to the Emergency Room. They will get you the best help you could ask for at this time. Don't let it ruin your life. Although I didn't think so 3 years ago, I can tell you that there is hope ahead.
>
> I've never been on Serzone but I am now stable on Wellbutrin, Zyprexa and Adderall.
>
> I don't know what my official diagnosis was because I never bothered to ask. I just know I was a mess and needed help.
>
> Please, if you need someone to "talk" to then e-mail me at the address when you click my name in blue at the top of this. I also ask that because as much as it might help us to talk about suicide, it is a trigger to others and a public forum may not be the best place for a long discussion because it may trigger feelings in others.
>
> Please stay in touch.
>
> ChrisI have never talked about my suicidal thoughts to anyone. I don't know why, it just seemed like whining to me (I don't mean to be critical, these are just the thoughts that go through my head when I am feeling this way). With every down episode I have, these thoughts seem to occupy more and more of my time. It has gotten to the point that I really want to talk about it, but I don't mention it to my wife because it would worry her and she would want to hospitalized me. I could not stand that because money is tight anyway and that would just be the last straw. I feel like I would lose what little sense of self worth I have left. Anyway, my point is that talking in a forum such as this does not seem to me to be so much a trigger as an outlet for these thoughts. I am going to see my doc soon and get my meds adjusted and hopefully that will help. I know I'm not much good like this.
poster:Mike O
thread:37795
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000619/msgs/38017.html