Posted by juniper on May 23, 2000, at 1:14:21
In reply to Still bad, posted by NikkiT on May 22, 2000, at 14:45:54
i think that i assumed that you are younger than you are because you said that you'd still 70 some years of life ahead...i forget that with technology we are living pretty damn long (time for technology to focus on quality, not quantity of life).
i agree with noah, your meds do not seem to be helping you adequately, and you do not deserve to go through 2 1/2 weeks more of this. when you see your p-doc, do you tell him how you are really feeling? if you haven't been, this would really be a time to, especially about having suicidal thoughts. it's a scary thing to admit, but that what he (or she) is there for and the only way he (or she) can really help you.
have you taken anything for panic attacks? both xanax and valium had worked for me, though with both i usually took enough to knock me into dreamland for a while, but this was much better than going through the panic and horrible thoughts---i think that panic attacks are usually easier to treat than depression, so asking your p-doc about meds for this might be a good idea (other than the beta-blockers--i don't know much about these, but you don't take them on an as needed basis, when you feel an attack coming, do you?)
starting to inflict self pain isn't a good idea. (that's almost a silly thing to have to write) momentarily, somehow, it does dull the internal pain--at least for me. i become obsessed with the external pain and forget about anything else. but this lasts such a short time and inevitably it starts this vicious circle where after the cutting, or poking or such is done, feelings rush back, but they are only compounded by the fact that you know you just did something destructive (it depressed me further to know that not only couldn't i control these thoughts in my head, but i'd also lost control over my physical being), and by the fact that you've now these horrible red sores, or scars, marring yourself. i think in a way it is trying to make part of your outside appear as horrible as you feel inside. ------so truthfully, yeah, it helps in its own way for a short amount of time, but it is not worth it. i hate the fact that i have scars that will be with me forever, and that these scars will really only be seen by those very close to me, as i only cut places my clothing covers. it is not something i ever look forward to explaining.
please take noah's advice and get in touch with your doctor, and continue to let us know how you are doing.peace,
juniper
poster:juniper
thread:34103
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/20000517/msgs/34369.html