Posted by Racer on May 27, 2004, at 9:17:58
In reply to Re: Ruminating » Racer, posted by Noa on May 27, 2004, at 8:25:30
You know, I really don't have anger at my mother the person I know now. Towards her, I only feel tenderness and a wish to comfort her. She causes herself so much pain worrying about what she can't change. I've told her that a few times, that the pain she's feeling is *my* pain, it's my responsibility now, and that the only legitimate reason for her to get into worrying about it is if she gets a WayBack Machine and can make it different. She can't, of course, and there's no point fretting herself over it all now. I've also told her that I love her and that what I really want is to enjoy the time we have left, because even if she makes it through another twenty years, it will still be much to soon to say goodbye to someone so precious to me.
Problem is, since I didn't get my own particular pathology from thin air, when I tell her not to blame herself, because I don't blame her -- I think she may blame herself still more because I'm *not* angry with her! Damn, we really know how to make it hard on ourselves, don't we?
Yesterday, I tracked her down in a distant city. I had no idea where she was staying, but I found her on my first try. I don't want to say where she was in public, because I'm always afraid of compromising her privacy, but it was the most reasonable place to try, and it was the right one. Mother said, when we were done, that it was clever of me to track her down and find her that way. I told her back, a little flippantly, since this was a very highly charged emotional call, that I loved her so much I could sniff her out anywhere. I also love her so much I can hear the deep pain in her voice even though she tries to hard to hide it. (See? She's hurting for me, I"m hurting for her. Maybe we need to stop living in each others' pockets quite so much? LOL)
So, after more than 2 decades of estrangement, my uncle almost died yesterday. As of the last report, he made it through surgery and was in critical condition. My mother has to choose now whether she wants to cross a bridge to restoring contact with her big brother, or if she will wait for him to make the first move, or if she will even allow any contact whatsoever with him. I hope, because I think it would be good for her, that she will choose to see what I see: he's never going to realize how much of the responsibility for all this is his, he's never going to think about apologizing because he doesn't know how, and having a context in the present for the big brother she remembers with love from her past would be good for her. I hope she'll decide to see him, when she gets back from her trip. I'll tell her what I've said here, too: it's for her, not him, and it's not about making friends and becoming some weird family where people get along. It's about Mother knowing that she made a decision for herself, rather than putting off making that decision until it was too late.
My aunt, on the other hand, says that she's selfish and shallow, so she's just not aware of other people, so she doesn't think about getting in touch with her brother. {{shrug}} Of course, she is selfish and shallow, but she also denies a lot of her emotional reality.
By the way, speaking of my aunt and self-medication: my aunt is driving up this morning and will be staying with me. This will be a test to see if the self-medicating is enough to keep me more or less even keep under duress. My mood is very low, but not suicidal. Just low energy, low mood, low motivation. How could I want to be gone when all of us here haven't finished our conversations?
xoxo
poster:Racer
thread:350747
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20040501/msgs/351066.html