Posted by Racer on July 3, 2003, at 23:41:07
In reply to Re: Suicide? Why not? » Racer, posted by shar on July 3, 2003, at 22:15:15
I don't know if I have the energy to tell it all, too much of it is too ugly for me right now. I'm online, waiting for my husband to go to bed, reading the Straight Dope, so here's as much as I can manage.
First of all, for those of you who live near the Silicon Valley, you won't be surprised to hear that my husband was laid off last year. March, 2002. He's still not working, we're out of savings, he's not doing much, but he wants me to listen to everything that happens to him. I'm the only person he sees regularly, so he wants someone to talk to and I'm the only one he has. He was devastated by the loss of his job, and needs support, but I'm so tired. He won't listen to me, either when I'd suggest other things he could do to look, or when I'd ask him to let me be quiet for a while. Around the same time, I quit my job and went independant. That worked for a while, but then it all fell apart. I'm out of business now.
Meantime, I don't know if I ever mentioned that my husband and I were having problems before we were married. We hadn't had sex at all for 16 months, and then had to rent dirty videos for him to manage it. Way back when that all started, in 2001, I think, he told me he wasn't interested because I'd gained so much weight I just wasn't attractive anymore. He denies that now, but we're still not having sex. I know he's having a lot of trouble, himself, but he won't do anything about it. No counseling, no doctor, no nothing that I suggest. He says he has reasons, I say they're excuses, he says no they're legitimate reasons.
With all this going on, I was willingly seduced. After so long, it was so good! I was swept up in it, and did something I now see as stupid beyond belief: while out of town, I wrote him some emails -- which he'd encouraged -- and responded in kind to some of his voicemails. Last weekend, he was killed in a car crash. On Monday, his wife found at least one voicemail (saying I don't know what), and the next morning the emails. How do I know? Monday night I got a threatening telephone call, from someone who was with her when she heard it. She had the people with her listen to it, too. The next morning, she replied to the emails she found. Very ugly stuff, telling me that I'd destroyed her memories of her marriage, was a whore, should burn in hell -- and then she got abusive about it. Finally, in the last email she sent to me, she threatened to tell my husband. After a great deal of thought, and talking to my ex-bf for advice, I told my husband. He already knew, because she had already contacted him. He blames himself, since he left me vulnerable to another man's advances. Now everyone is hurting.
I know, that's not enough to cause someone to suicide, but at this point: that affair was about the only thing in my life that felt at all good. It was like my only emotional paycheck, and now it's as ugly as it can be. Everyone's hurt, there's no where for me to turn for comfort, and there's just more demands on whatever I have left. My husband wants me to do this for him, do that for him, and I just can't! My last emotional paycheck just bounced, and the creditors are banging on the door. I don't want to go on with this. It's been a failure, with sod all to show for it. I think I'll sit the next one out.
And I really do feel even more guilty that I'll be hurting my husband, but that's just not enough anymore.
poster:Racer
thread:239030
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/2000/20030702/msgs/239127.html