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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tabitha on June 8, 2009, at 12:32:21
I bought one of those "how to weed out the marriage-minded men from the others" books from the bargain bin at Barnes & Noble. (Here's the Amazon link "The List 7 Ways To Tell If He's Going To Marry You in 30 Days or Less")
It's about looking for a love at first sight type of reaction from a man. It says men know within two or three dates if they're going to marry you, and when they meet the right woman, it's like an alarm goes off in their brain. I really wish there had been some sociological data to back up this claim. No doubt some courtships are quick, but some are long.
So I wonder-- for you marrieds, how long was your courtship? How long before the idea or certainty of marriage came up?
I think my perceptions are skewed because my male friends & colleagues all seem to be the eternally single types. One friend has been living with his girlfriend for years now. He tells me that marriage is the ultimate defeat for a man, that no man wants it, and they all have to be coaxed or tricked into it by the woman. Another friend dated his girlfriend for nearly ten years and broke up with her when she pressed to live together.
Looking back in my own life, there were several men who came on with a quick & intense interest in me. I generally wrote them off as "weird" or not good enough for me, and continued pursuing the disinterested and unattainable ones.
Oh how much mental energy I've wasted with foot-dragging suitors! That makes the message of this book so appealing. Maybe it's not really that difficult. Maybe "when it happens it happens" and I just need to look for that, and quit wasting time with the ones where it's not happening.
Posted by Dinah on June 8, 2009, at 12:53:07
In reply to Question for the married folks, posted by Tabitha on June 8, 2009, at 12:32:21
Good grief, I hope not. Although that would count for the high rate of divorce....
My answer won't mean much. We met in high school and dated for thirteen years before marrying. I think I decided I wanted to marry him a year or so from the time I met him. But we were both smart enough to know that we weren't mature enough to marry. During that time we had all the ups and downs of any relationship, and we both rethought the idea of marriage several times. Eventually we sat down and negotiated on those areas where our visions of married life differed, and with all that worked out, we got married.
I think that only works for the very young though.
Most of my male friends seem to expect to get married, and had no issue with the idea. The ones who got divorced still had no problem with the idea of marriage, and dated more with an eye to a potential wife than anything else.
Maybe it has to do more with the man than with falling in love. Men who have no desire to marry might be perfectly happy to fall in love without marrying. Where might men who have an interest in being married be found?
Posted by MidnightBlue on June 8, 2009, at 21:58:29
In reply to Question for the married folks, posted by Tabitha on June 8, 2009, at 12:32:21
I've been married a long time. Almost 40 years. The first meeting he didn't look that great to me. About six months later we crossed paths again and he looked better. After the first real date we both knew we would get married. Seven months later we were.
My advice, the guy HAS to be ready to get married-- there is no convincing him. He doesn't have to be rich or great looking to be a good marriage partner and father.
He may not realize he is ready to get married, but he can't be into the single scene too much and have marriage on his mind.
What do I consider good marriage material? He has a job and enjoys working. We share the same values and goals. He treats me with respect and as an equal. There are at least a couple of things we enjoy doing together. He does NOT get insanely jealous or say hurtful things to me or put me down.
Oh, and one really old-fashioned thing you probably heard your grandma say. "Don't give away so much of yourself he doesn't want/need to marry you."
Midnightblue
Posted by Tabitha on June 9, 2009, at 0:51:41
In reply to Re: Question for the married folks » Tabitha, posted by MidnightBlue on June 8, 2009, at 21:58:29
Hi MidnightBlue,
Well your experience jives with the book's thesis (except for that six month delay in the first date). It's hard for me to believe such a thing is possible-- to know on the first date. Wow.
I was raking over my history of men who have showed a strong interest in pursing me. I wasn't that excited about them at all. Now I seriously regret rejecting a couple of them. Looking back with maturity, I realize they were good guys, and probably headed for successful careers and marriages. There are still some I don't regret rejecting, but it makes me think that maybe I shouldn't expect to be "wowed" right away. The guy may need to grow on me a bit. I really need to rank "pursuing me with strong interest" up over "wow factor".
Posted by Tabitha on June 9, 2009, at 0:59:49
In reply to Re: Question for the married folks, posted by Dinah on June 8, 2009, at 12:53:07
Yeah, it's a scary idea, isn't it? I have a more moderate book that suggests devoting no more than two years to a relationship before ditching it due to lack of commitment. But heck, at my age, that seems like a long time to invest.
Not that I'm desperate to be married. I'm relatively Ok with being single. I just don't want to spend my last few years of relative attractiveness in dead-end relationships.
I've never really had a goal of marriage. I need to figure out a strategy is all.
Posted by MidnightBlue on June 9, 2009, at 10:02:13
In reply to Re: Question for the married folks » MidnightBlue, posted by Tabitha on June 9, 2009, at 0:51:41
Look beyond what you see on the surface. A good guy might be shy, not the best dresser, or most exciting. But give the guy a chance. After a couple of months at most you should have a good idea what he is really like. If you don't like what you see, don't waste any more time.
Posted by Phillipa on June 9, 2009, at 13:06:09
In reply to Re: Question for the married folks » Tabitha, posted by MidnightBlue on June 9, 2009, at 10:02:13
I've made a ton of mistakes the good one didn't feel I deserved him. Phillipa
Posted by Kath on June 9, 2009, at 13:12:21
In reply to Question for the married folks, posted by Tabitha on June 8, 2009, at 12:32:21
Sorry - no time at moment for answer but this book I found really good while dating my current husband!!! It gives some sort of 'measuring points' for indications of if a guy is:
Good For Nothing
Good Enough
Good
or some such thing - can't remember!!! LOL
luv, Kath
Book title: "Cold Feet
- various ones of this title were listed on Amazon. Got to check the picture to see which it was.
Posted by Kath on June 9, 2009, at 13:15:51
In reply to Re: Question for the married folks » Tabitha, posted by Kath on June 9, 2009, at 13:12:21
I think it's this one (different cover, but it was 18 years ago)
K
Posted by surfergirl on June 10, 2009, at 19:43:52
In reply to Question for the married folks, posted by Tabitha on June 8, 2009, at 12:32:21
Hi Tabitha,
I am new to the boards, so I hope you don't mind me jumping in on the discussion.I have been married 20 years to the same man. We met SCUBA diving. I was newly certified & did meet lots of guys who wanted a date & more. I avoided them. My husband has a very sweet & understanding personality & that really attracted me.
My husband new right away he wanted to marry me. He pursued me. He wasn't as weird as other "pursuers". He brought teddy bears, flowers, lots of silly stuff. I was dating another guy who did not want commitment. I broke it off with him to date my husband.
I think some of it was timing. We both wanted marriage. But we had both stopped looking when we found each other.
good luck, surfergirl
Posted by Phillipa on June 10, 2009, at 23:28:26
In reply to Re: Question for the married folks, posted by surfergirl on June 10, 2009, at 19:43:52
Sounds very romantic and fun!!!!! Love Phillipa
Posted by Tabitha on June 11, 2009, at 0:02:19
In reply to Re: Question for the married folks, posted by surfergirl on June 10, 2009, at 19:43:52
Hi Surfergirl,
That's a great story-- thanks for the inspiration.And welcome to Babble :)
Posted by Tabitha on June 11, 2009, at 0:03:06
In reply to Re: Question for the married folks, posted by Kath on June 9, 2009, at 13:15:51
I'll check it out. Thanks!
This is the end of the thread.
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