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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ghostshadow on January 9, 2006, at 1:50:55
i feel like my mind has become a trap. it's just this terribly deep black well full of ugly, hateful thoughts. it's gotten too deep to climb out of, and nobody around even realizes i'm gone. feel like bashing myself against something to cause pain to make sure i'm still real. but there's pain in dreams, too. nevermind, the nightmare's gone on too long to not be real. need physical pain to dull the anguish. or something to shut the mind down...
Posted by wildcard on January 9, 2006, at 6:11:28
In reply to ugly black pit, posted by ghostshadow on January 9, 2006, at 1:50:55
been there and never want to go back. i'm sorry you're in pain and yet i can't take it away. i know that i am still here today for some reason b/c i felt so alone in that ugly black pit of pure torture and hell that i couldn't see a way out. there was one other than what i first chose and i slowly but surly made it and you can too. it isn't easy but i believe in you.
Posted by fallsfall on January 9, 2006, at 7:36:05
In reply to ugly black pit, posted by ghostshadow on January 9, 2006, at 1:50:55
I know that pit, too. I'm sorry you know it.
For me, it helped to try not to isolate so much. I wasn't fit company for man nor beast (to quote a dear Babble friend), but it helped me to go to a store (I chose a craft store) and just walk the aisles. Everything was organized (important for me), and there were people there, but I didn't have to talk to them. Walking through a mall would do the same thing.
I needed to put clothes on and be somewhere other than my house. It helped remind me that there was a world other than that black pit.
Maybe you could get some ice cream when you are out - that always helped me.
I know that pit, it is possible to get out of it. Do you have a therapist?
Posted by James K on January 9, 2006, at 7:38:48
In reply to ugly black pit, posted by ghostshadow on January 9, 2006, at 1:50:55
Whatever you feel you have to do, please be careful. I don't have any suggestions to do this or do that, but I've felt that way before. It doesn't last forever.
The fact you've posted about it is a sign and maybe the beginning of getting through this one.
james k
Posted by muffled on January 9, 2006, at 11:37:17
In reply to ugly black pit, posted by ghostshadow on January 9, 2006, at 1:50:55
Been there to. Seems like there's no way out.
Sorry your there.
I made it out. You can too.
Meds helped me. Did hosp.stay too.
Got out of the pit.
Everything is even more beautiful once you come out of the pit.
Take care, you are not alone, realy your not.
Muffled
Posted by ghostshadow on January 9, 2006, at 12:17:02
In reply to Re: ugly black pit » ghostshadow, posted by muffled on January 9, 2006, at 11:37:17
i,m just so very, very tired. i'm 44 years old and have literally been depressed since before i even started grade school. parents divorced when i was at the age when little girls want just their daddies, and mine went away. and my life has been nothing but a downward spiral since. tons and tons of psych/verbal abuse. some sexual abuse, including rape. lost my mom just out of high school - never got to ask her why she didn't love me. first son murdered just over 22 years ago. he was only two. tried to get therapy afetr he was killed, but three different people told me that i was coping just fine and they either didn't feel i needed help or didn't think they could benefit me. survived on my own until i had to go back to work after my second son was born in '95 - panic attacks and depression. therapy and meds, doing much better. husband complaining, but i kept going anyway. husband kept complaining, saying cost too much and therapy didn't seem to be helping (but he wasn't in my head), so to keep the peace i quit going and let regular physician takes over meds. did okay with just increases for quite a while, but everything just fell apart this autumn/winter.
Posted by ghostshadow on January 9, 2006, at 12:22:18
In reply to Re: ugly black pit » ghostshadow, posted by fallsfall on January 9, 2006, at 7:36:05
> I know that pit, too. I'm sorry you know it.
>
> For me, it helped to try not to isolate so much. I wasn't fit company for man nor beast (to quote a dear Babble friend), but it helped me to go to a store (I chose a craft store) and just walk the aisles. Everything was organized (important for me), and there were people there, but I didn't have to talk to them. Walking through a mall would do the same thing.
>
> I needed to put clothes on and be somewhere other than my house. It helped remind me that there was a world other than that black pit.
>
> Maybe you could get some ice cream when you are out - that always helped me.
>
> I know that pit, it is possible to get out of it. Do you have a therapist?being around others right now is not a fun thing. i have to do it at work and i hate it! right now i just feel like people are all just a bunch of selfish parasites who care for nothing but themselves.
Posted by Berberis on January 9, 2006, at 13:11:54
In reply to Re: ugly black pit » fallsfall, posted by ghostshadow on January 9, 2006, at 12:22:18
(((((ghostshadow)))))
I've been where you are and I know how you're suffering. But unlike me, you've experienced awful traumas in your life. I'm so sorry.
Even though you've been dealing with depression for most of your life, please don't think there's no end in sight. If you're on meds now, they're apparently not working. See a pdoc and therapist because your sanity is more important than your net worth. Too bad your husband doesn't see it that way.
I sincerely hope things get better for you soon. (((((ghostshadow)))))
Posted by wildcard on January 9, 2006, at 13:14:07
In reply to Re: ugly black pit (triggers), posted by ghostshadow on January 9, 2006, at 12:17:02
Sounds like we have a lot in common which is what put me in my pit. You have been through more pain than anyone should have to go through and it sucks b/c life is not fair but you have to hang on. It can and with help, will get better. I know exactly what you mean about not wanting to be around people. I stay so isolated which only makes things feel worse but I just cannot handle 'the world' quite yet. What helped me enough to where I am okay~not great but okay was counseling and it has to be a good counselor or it's a waste and a caring pdoc that doesn't just hand out scripts but actually listens. Are you doing either of those? Do you have anyone close to you to talk with? I'm always here and I'm living proof that you can make it out of that pit....
Posted by muffled on January 9, 2006, at 14:03:54
In reply to Re: ugly black pit (triggers), posted by ghostshadow on January 9, 2006, at 12:17:02
Posted by fallsfall on January 9, 2006, at 18:39:42
In reply to Re: ugly black pit » fallsfall, posted by ghostshadow on January 9, 2006, at 12:22:18
I know about not wanting to be with people. But I found that being alone was dangerous. At least in a store you don't HAVE to talk to anyone - yet you aren't alone.
I hope that you can go back to therapy. It sounds like you have had a lot of difficult times in your life. You deserve some support. And keep posting here. We do understand.
Posted by Phillipa on January 9, 2006, at 21:04:03
In reply to Re: ugly black pit » ghostshadow, posted by fallsfall on January 9, 2006, at 18:39:42
Been there still there. Except for the rape and murder are lives have and are very similar. Fondly, Phillipa
Posted by Declan on January 10, 2006, at 12:36:07
In reply to Re: ugly black pit (triggers), posted by ghostshadow on January 9, 2006, at 12:17:02
Your son was murdered. What a terrible thing.
But for the rest of what you say about sinking in mental quicksand, there just being negative thoughts one after the other, and what you think about people in general...........well, it sure aint no fun, but it sounds reasonable enough to me. You just sound like you're at the end of your tether and need some decent pharmacological support, if nothing else. One's mind can be a hellish place, mirroring the world, I guess. Anyway you sound like you need a break.
All the best
Declan
Posted by ghostshadow on January 11, 2006, at 1:32:01
In reply to Re: ugly black pit, posted by Berberis on January 9, 2006, at 13:11:54
> Even though you've been dealing with depression for most of your life, please don't think there's no end in sight. If you're on meds now, they're apparently not working. See a pdoc and therapist because your sanity is more important than your net worth. Too bad your husband doesn't see it that way.
went off on him earlier this winter. he was griping at me about some little nothing and i just got fed up. told him something to the effect of why don't i just die so he could have the money and not have to put up with me. (good life insurance through my work) he didn't say anything at all in reply.
Posted by ghostshadow on January 11, 2006, at 1:38:14
In reply to Re: ugly black pit (triggers) » ghostshadow, posted by wildcard on January 9, 2006, at 13:14:07
> Sounds like we have a lot in common which is what put me in my pit. What helped me enough to where I am okay~not great but okay was counseling and it has to be a good counselor or it's a waste and a caring pdoc that doesn't just hand out scripts but actually listens. Are you doing either of those? Do you have anyone close to you to talk with? I'm always here and I'm living proof that you can make it out of that pit....
lastone i saw wanted to convert me. final straw besides my husband's b*tching that caused me to quit going. only one close friend, but oppertunities to talk are few and far between because of our work schedules. and i ddon't feel i can tell him everything, though he knows a lot more about my past then my husband does.
Posted by ghostshadow on January 11, 2006, at 1:43:55
In reply to Re: ugly black pit (triggers), posted by Declan on January 10, 2006, at 12:36:07
thank you, everyone. i wish somebody was here right now. but i can't expect
Posted by fallsfall on January 11, 2006, at 9:04:37
In reply to Re: ugly black pit (triggers), posted by ghostshadow on January 11, 2006, at 1:43:55
We are here.
(((Ghostshadow)))
Posted by ghostshadow on January 12, 2006, at 12:19:00
In reply to Re: ugly black pit (triggers) » ghostshadow, posted by fallsfall on January 11, 2006, at 9:04:37
why can't i do this on my own without the meds?!? i did it for years!!! what changed??? i hate this!!!
Posted by wildcard on January 12, 2006, at 12:24:40
In reply to Re: ugly black pit (triggers), posted by ghostshadow on January 12, 2006, at 12:19:00
I did it for years also until that 'one straw that broke the camels back' kinda. Life (existing) has never been the same, even w/ meds.. It is so hard to accept I need them but I think I finally have. Mental illness also runs in my family. Do you know if it runs in yours? Also, things that hurt add up and as we get older our chemical balances change so both I think can attribute to depression. You have been through hell and you can make it. You are strong, that is obvious.
Posted by Declan on January 12, 2006, at 16:03:27
In reply to Re: ugly black pit (triggers) » ghostshadow, posted by fallsfall on January 11, 2006, at 9:04:37
You get older and your body falls apart. The brain is flesh and blood. The damage of time and experience. That's my take on it. Take your fish oil, your antioxidants and get your exercise, take the meds you need. What else can you do?
Declan
Posted by ghostshadow on January 22, 2006, at 16:19:55
In reply to Re: ugly black pit (triggers) » ghostshadow, posted by wildcard on January 12, 2006, at 12:24:40
don't know if any form of mental illness runs in the family, but as big as both sides of the family are i wouldn't be surprised. (especially depression, from watching my mother as i was growing up) don't take fish oil, antioxidants, vitamins or anythings else like they. for some reason supplements make me feel even more drained. and i'm way too tired to exercise. (excuses, excuses right? swing-shift is a killer.) go back to doctor tuesday so i can tell him lexapro not cutting it. he's probably going to add wellbutrin or something like it to my list of meds. (along with the detrol la, topamax and trazadone.) hate living on meds. quality of life still miserable, but absolutely horrendous without them.
gotta go - time to leave for work...
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