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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by lostsailor on July 10, 2003, at 4:10:51
that I started to “lurk” a bit the other day. I was pleased to see so many “new old” posters back in babble.
At the same time, though, I realized that this has occurred before and that it I think is was the last time I left babble for a bit.I know some don’t “get” my posts and maybe I should write clearer, but at the same time I wonder if I should just not write at all. I have much to say but you all seem to have the bases covered. What’s that saying about too many cooks in a kitchen….
I saw a flock of ducklings today. Both parents seemed very proud.
Later I saw a woman, with child inside her, all safe and all warm.
Earlier this morning I saw a man, woman and two kids out on a bike ride at the park: a family.I see that the above life is not in store for me and I cried.
In today’s mail, I received a copy of a friend’s diploma that I have not seen since undergrad years,
It had no note or return address on it. Why would one send that when he knew I had to take a sabbatical from grad school to wrestle demons? Did he want to let me know all was well with him? He could have asked me if things worked out a bit for me, but no—just an envelope and a photocopy in it. I cried.I used to think all “men” were created equal. At least that’s what I was taught, but more and more I see they are not—borrowing a Justice’s words: ”separate but not equal”
I am single.
I am lonely.
I am sorry
That I’m Tony
Posted by jay on July 10, 2003, at 5:00:22
In reply to I must admit…., posted by lostsailor on July 10, 2003, at 4:10:51
>
> that I started to “lurk” a bit the other day. I was pleased to see so many “new old” posters back in babble.
> At the same time, though, I realized that this has occurred before and that it I think is was the last time I left babble for a bit.
>
> I know some don’t “get” my posts and maybe I should write clearer, but at the same time I wonder if I should just not write at all. I have much to say but you all seem to have the bases covered. What’s that saying about too many cooks in a kitchen….
>
> I saw a flock of ducklings today. Both parents seemed very proud.
> Later I saw a woman, with child inside her, all safe and all warm.
> Earlier this morning I saw a man, woman and two kids out on a bike ride at the park: a family.
>
> I see that the above life is not in store for me and I cried.
>
> In today’s mail, I received a copy of a friend’s diploma that I have not seen since undergrad years,
> It had no note or return address on it. Why would one send that when he knew I had to take a sabbatical from grad school to wrestle demons? Did he want to let me know all was well with him? He could have asked me if things worked out a bit for me, but no—just an envelope and a photocopy in it. I cried.
>
> I used to think all “men” were created equal. At least that’s what I was taught, but more and more I see they are not—borrowing a Justice’s words: ”separate but not equal”
>
> I am single.
> I am lonely.
> I am sorry
> That I’m Tony
>
Tony..if it's of any value...I am "there" somehow too, man. Oh..and your comment on equality, it reminds me of a great song called "Some Are More Equal Than Others". I find the loneliness of this 'disease' one of the worst things..man as the years go by, just lonely, alone, and sad. I get sad about what "was"..and what I thought "could have been". I mourn for people, lovers, and friends I have lost, either through death or seperation by just not keeping in touch. It reminds me of a poem by W.H. Auden..here it is:Funeral Blues
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever; I was wrong.The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,
For nothing now can ever come to any good.W. H. Auden
No matter what those CBT therapists say, sometimes, no "often", you just CAN'T tell yourself how to feel. You feel horrible....everything just seems horrible...and it just 'is'. The tears start to flow, and the hopelessness get's worse. All of this talk of being "rational", well I say that is horse poop. Let those who demand this of us walk a mile in OUR shoes, and see how "rational" they feel!Peace and best bro....
Jay
Posted by Emme on July 10, 2003, at 7:28:12
In reply to Re: I must admit…., posted by jay on July 10, 2003, at 5:00:22
Awww, Tony. All I can say is I relate to a lot of what you wrote. I haven't posted directly to you before, but I've seen your posts. I am glad you're back.
(((Tony)))
Emme
Posted by whiterabbit on July 10, 2003, at 9:26:41
In reply to Re: I must admit…. » jay, posted by Emme on July 10, 2003, at 7:28:12
Posted by justyourlaugh on July 10, 2003, at 10:28:43
In reply to I must admit…., posted by lostsailor on July 10, 2003, at 4:10:51
i am glad you are tony..
you are my friend and really helped me see i need my art...i need to let it out...
i wish you happiness tony..
i know it is so hard to find..let yourself go..let it go...mabe you will sail onto the the land of sunshine and lollipops..give us a smoke signal if you find it!!!we will all join you for a lifetime of joy,,dancing like nobody is watching in the warm sand...
love j
Posted by gabbix2 on July 10, 2003, at 16:43:28
In reply to sweet sailor.., posted by justyourlaugh on July 10, 2003, at 10:28:43
Dear Tony.
One of the ironies of depression, I bet you'd never take full credit for a completely positive change in something, but you'll take full credit for what you see as a negative one.
I sometimes would get so insecure I'd think the entire board was angry at me. People I didn't even know.
Relax. You are welcome here. Its just I think a lot of people really needed support the last few weeks, and the really supportive people come out of the woodwork at times like that, I've seen it before, its amazing.
And
btw. Your last post, I read, about Aurora Crashing the gates, and you wishing Apollo had a flat. I thought it was excellent. I'm sorry I should have said something.I know what you mean about the diploma.
My older sister sent me a "fun" quiz over the internet asking such questions asDo you love your job?
When was the last time you were in the hospital?
How many candles on your birthday cake?(obviously she knows some of the answers but its meant to be mailed to many)
Well you can imagine, being reminded why I was in the hospital last, (suicide attempt) I'm jobless,
I've not had a birthday cake, in so many years I can't remember because I've had no one to celebrate with.. some "fun" quiz.Well anyway I told her how I felt, because I'm sure I'm not the only one who doesn't want to be reminded of these things.
But people can be just unbelievably thoughtless.
Though a good friend of mine did say,
"Well you could take it as a compliment, at least they didn't not send you it, thinking well she's such a loser it'll make her feel bad"I guess you could look at it that way too.
Cheers Tony.
Welcome back.
Posted by gabbix2 on July 10, 2003, at 17:05:41
In reply to Welcome Tony.., posted by gabbix2 on July 10, 2003, at 16:43:28
I didn't mean by any stretch that the new folks aren't supportive, I just meant that I've noticed those who've been around for a while will seemingly disappear, and then magically reappear when there is a crisis or crises.
Posted by Dinah on July 10, 2003, at 17:50:17
In reply to I must admit…., posted by lostsailor on July 10, 2003, at 4:10:51
Posted by lil' jimi on July 11, 2003, at 1:10:13
In reply to I must admit…., posted by lostsailor on July 10, 2003, at 4:10:51
'lo seadog!
... ... too long, no sea, man ...
... posts have to be ... ... clear? ... Wha?
i, for one (of Many!) am glad you're in port ... ... ...
... ... .. and starboard!... know that it is great for me (us) to know you are still sailing the our pBabble channels ... ... you always inspire me that you're hanging in there, man!
... ...
... ... just gotta watch out for our ...... ..."CROSS TOWN TRAFFIC! ..."
to those still at sea!!
~ jim
Posted by giget on July 11, 2003, at 8:31:26
In reply to Sailor!! » lostsailor, posted by lil' jimi on July 11, 2003, at 1:10:13
Welcome back Tony,
I know that it will be hard getting back into the swing of the PB, but we all understand.No one is created equal.... that is the fact of life. Everyone wants to be cheery and happy saying everyone is the same and we all get the same benefits out of life.... crap.
I also am single,
tired of living
tired of my job
tired of peopleso I know some of what you are going through...
Welcome back!
Posted by zenhussy on July 12, 2003, at 0:41:59
In reply to I must admit…., posted by lostsailor on July 10, 2003, at 4:10:51
>
> that I started to “lurk” a bit the other day. I was pleased to see so many “new old” posters back in babble.
> At the same time, though, I realized that this has occurred before and that it I think is was the last time I left babble for a bit.
>
> I know some don’t “get” my posts and maybe I should write clearer, but at the same time I wonder if I should just not write at all. I have much to say but you all seem to have the bases covered. What’s that saying about too many cooks in a kitchen….
>
> I saw a flock of ducklings today. Both parents seemed very proud.
> Later I saw a woman, with child inside her, all safe and all warm.
> Earlier this morning I saw a man, woman and two kids out on a bike ride at the park: a family.
>
> I see that the above life is not in store for me and I cried.
>
> In today’s mail, I received a copy of a friend’s diploma that I have not seen since undergrad years,
> It had no note or return address on it. Why would one send that when he knew I had to take a sabbatical from grad school to wrestle demons? Did he want to let me know all was well with him? He could have asked me if things worked out a bit for me, but no—just an envelope and a photocopy in it. I cried.
>
> I used to think all “men” were created equal. At least that’s what I was taught, but more and more I see they are not—borrowing a Justice’s words: ”separate but not equal”
>
> I am single.
> I am lonely.
> I am sorry
> That I’m Tony
>You are you and that's not for anyone to get or not get.
Be you ~t.
zh
Posted by lostsailor on July 12, 2003, at 1:07:29
In reply to Re: Sailor!!, posted by giget on July 11, 2003, at 8:31:26
Thank you for letting me know that I am not alone in this as I know already.
I am so bored and tired of it all. I read some of your posts to day while you were at work and obviously relate to a ton of what you were saying.
As for this...
>>I also am single,
tired of living
tired of my job
tired of people<<I know it just too darn well.
Bless you and I hope your weekend will be as best that it can be. I’m sure we'll chat more.
~tony
Posted by lostsailor on July 12, 2003, at 1:18:53
In reply to Re: Welcome back (nm) » lostsailor, posted by Dinah on July 10, 2003, at 17:50:17
Posted by lostsailor on July 12, 2003, at 1:23:37
In reply to Re: I must admit…., posted by jay on July 10, 2003, at 5:00:22
thanks so much to all of you. I wish to reply to al but am getting tired finally and just did not want to leave anyone out.
You are all so great!!!
god bless,
~tony
This is the end of the thread.
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