Posted by jay on July 10, 2003, at 5:00:22
In reply to I must admit…., posted by lostsailor on July 10, 2003, at 4:10:51
>
> that I started to “lurk” a bit the other day. I was pleased to see so many “new old” posters back in babble.
> At the same time, though, I realized that this has occurred before and that it I think is was the last time I left babble for a bit.
>
> I know some don’t “get” my posts and maybe I should write clearer, but at the same time I wonder if I should just not write at all. I have much to say but you all seem to have the bases covered. What’s that saying about too many cooks in a kitchen….
>
> I saw a flock of ducklings today. Both parents seemed very proud.
> Later I saw a woman, with child inside her, all safe and all warm.
> Earlier this morning I saw a man, woman and two kids out on a bike ride at the park: a family.
>
> I see that the above life is not in store for me and I cried.
>
> In today’s mail, I received a copy of a friend’s diploma that I have not seen since undergrad years,
> It had no note or return address on it. Why would one send that when he knew I had to take a sabbatical from grad school to wrestle demons? Did he want to let me know all was well with him? He could have asked me if things worked out a bit for me, but no—just an envelope and a photocopy in it. I cried.
>
> I used to think all “men” were created equal. At least that’s what I was taught, but more and more I see they are not—borrowing a Justice’s words: ”separate but not equal”
>
> I am single.
> I am lonely.
> I am sorry
> That I’m Tony
>
Tony..if it's of any value...I am "there" somehow too, man. Oh..and your comment on equality, it reminds me of a great song called "Some Are More Equal Than Others". I find the loneliness of this 'disease' one of the worst things..man as the years go by, just lonely, alone, and sad. I get sad about what "was"..and what I thought "could have been". I mourn for people, lovers, and friends I have lost, either through death or seperation by just not keeping in touch. It reminds me of a poem by W.H. Auden..here it is:Funeral Blues
Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He Is Dead,
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last for ever; I was wrong.The stars are not wanted now: put out every one;
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,
For nothing now can ever come to any good.W. H. Auden
No matter what those CBT therapists say, sometimes, no "often", you just CAN'T tell yourself how to feel. You feel horrible....everything just seems horrible...and it just 'is'. The tears start to flow, and the hopelessness get's worse. All of this talk of being "rational", well I say that is horse poop. Let those who demand this of us walk a mile in OUR shoes, and see how "rational" they feel!Peace and best bro....
Jay
poster:jay
thread:240490
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/social/20030704/msgs/240495.html