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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kalyb on July 9, 2003, at 16:57:26
[Just a little note for Gracie here - you are so funny and always make me smile... re Penny's thread, wouldn't it be marvellous if we could just trade roomates??? :-) Thank you! ]
Well....
Woo hoo for me! I started dating a new guy at the weekend! And I think I rather like him.He’s invited me camping the weekend after next. Woo hoo again! I haven’t been camping for YEARS and I LOVE IT!
But there’s a little fly in the ointment... the landlady. About a week ago, while we were walking her dogs, she said, out of the blue: “Of course you know myself and partner (and baby) are going away for a week in a few weeks’ time?” I dimly remember something about a bike club camping thing, but she’s not mentioned it to me for at least six months, and I had no idea when it was.
When New Guy dropped me off last night he came in to meet landlady and say Hi, and I asked her when her camping trip was. Turns out it’s on the same weekend as mine... and although she’s not leaving until Sunday afternoon, wants me back here for Sunday morning. Presumably to give me a whole list of instructions.
Well, New Guy was understandably disappointed since it means no to our trip, and he of course now can’t understand why I can’t stand up to her and tell her I’ll be back not long after they leave, etc. etc. (It’s not as if landlady actually ASKED me to look after the house and all her and her partner’s animals for a week - it’s just been assumed!! She’s the one who think I have no life, remember; so she obviously thought I would have nothing better to do).
Of course now I do have something to do - and she’s not going to let me do it, is she?
Compromise, which New Guy is suggesting I try, will not wash... I know it already.
Once again I wish I was a normal human being, able to get angry and able to argue - and win.New Guy was reaaaaalllllly pissed about this; he was there during the conversation and afterwards said he really can't see why I need to be back at the exact time she wants me. Said if he knew me a bit better, he'd have jumped right in and done the arguing.
&*$£@@*&**$$£^%!!!!!!!! <-------- lots of foul uncivil words. Sorry Dr.Bob.
Kalyb xx
Posted by Greg on July 9, 2003, at 19:18:56
In reply to Landlady - again :(, posted by kalyb on July 9, 2003, at 16:57:26
Hi Kaly,
I tend to look at thing pretty simplistically. I may be unawares of something, and if I am, I'm sorry. You're doing someone else a favor, right? And although your ladylady mentioned her trip some months ago, nothing was ever set in stone on her part, am I also correct? If I'm right about these two things, then you made your plans before she did. I really don't think you should be expected to alter your plans because she decided on a moment's notice to go out of town. Now if it's only going to be a matter of a few hours between the time she leaves and the time you return home, what would the problem be with you asking her to leave all her instructions for you in writing? That way both parties win.
Of course if you going is going to cost a place to live, that's another story altogether...
Just my $1.25 worth as usual.
I hope you get what you want and enjoy your camping trip. I love to camp too!
Greg
Posted by fallsfall on July 9, 2003, at 19:52:34
In reply to Landlady - again :(, posted by kalyb on July 9, 2003, at 16:57:26
Tell her that you'll be glad to talk to her about what needs to be done during her absence on Friday evening before you leave. If something HAS to be done between when she leaves on Sunday (2 PM) and when you get home (6 PM) you could generously offer to find a neighborhood kid to walk the dog. Don't give her the option of telling you you have to be there Sunday morning. If she tries, then help her to solve the problem without you there on Sunday morning.
You can do this!!!!! You are worthy. Tell, don't ask.
Posted by whiterabbit on July 9, 2003, at 23:56:39
In reply to Re: Landlady - again :(, posted by fallsfall on July 9, 2003, at 19:52:34
With this new guy or you'll never get over it, never. Really, this is just too much...I agree with Greg. Your landlady's request - order rather - is unreasonable, and now I AM SURE that she's a manipulative control freak. Ack!! That type really gets my back up...I won't get started on that again though.
I hope it works out with your new squeeze, it will make you feel better and stronger and maybe you can get out of that awful situation you're in with this person who treats you like a paid servant...and until you're officially hired in that capacity along with regular paychecks, she has NO RIGHT to lord it over you like that. MAN...
Gracie
Posted by kalyb on July 10, 2003, at 12:06:27
In reply to Re: Landlady - again :(, posted by fallsfall on July 9, 2003, at 19:52:34
Okay so now I have more information.
I approached her about the trip today hoping I could achieve a compromise.
She starts getting irritated and said: “Think! Why do you think I need you here before I go? Go, on, think about it.”
Ummm...? “Sorry, don’t know, I must be missing something here.”
“Missing??!! You’re missing a HUGE amount, as usual!”
(Aha! I have this sussed now. She's done this before and I personally think it's a manipulative strategy. By saying "Think! Why do you think...etc" and putting the onus onto the other person (when it is really HER who has something to say). This way, she can be right and the other person wrong. It gives her permission to contradict and assume intellectual superiority, since of course nobody can know exactly what she's about to say or what’s going on inside her head.).It boils down to this:
* She doesn’t think I am capable of looking after the house and the hundreds of animals, so she NEEDS me to be here when she leaves for her own peace of mind.* I have only known this guy for a few days, and she feels hurt I’m putting him above her.
* If he’s a guy worth having, he won’t make a fuss and we’ll be able to go some other time.
* If it becomes a proper relationship, there’ll be plenty of time to go camping in the future.
* She needs me there because she doesn’t trust me to be back when I say I am going to be: I often come back later than I first plan. This is true, but I do think the responsibility of this would make a bit of a difference, and
I’d make sure to be back when I say I will be!* She can’t ask anyone else to look after the house and animals because they all just say, “well why can’t Kalyb do it? She’ll be there.” and they don’t understand why I can’t because they all think I’m just bone idle (oh yeah, and she hasn’t told them about my illness? I don’t believe that! I know she talks about me to many others behind my back.).
* She had hoped for some help from other people but they can’t do it.
(Thinks: I’m the last resort aren’t I? That’s why she didn’t mention this until last week! Somebody's let her down!). And she can’t afford to pay anyone to come in to do it.* Apparently I’ve known about this for a long time (it’s not written on any calendars in the house - there are none - I have seen no posters for the event, and she hasn’t mentioned it to me for a very very long time), and it’ll be the first holiday she’s had with her partner, and her first holiday for 11 years.
If I tell her she hasn’t mentioned it to me, she will very likely swear blind she has and claim I’ve just forgotten or I “don’t listen” - I’ve seen her do that trick with her partner).* She’s going to be worrying constantly that I’m coping, since she knows I’m “not up to speed yet” (her words) as it is, so that’s why I need to be there before she leaves.
* I’m pulling the sulky teenager face again and look like I’m about to burst into tears. (I have my contemplative face on, which is deadpan and probably looks sulky to others, yes, but that’s due to confrontational anxiety, which she’s never heard of and probably can’t understand). The face arises when I want to say something but can’t, so I have to look down or away and betray no emotion. Comes from having angry parents who terrified me as a child.
Result? really don't think I can go camping. I've had the guilt piled on in spades now. I want out of this mess. If I ever needed any proof what a manipulative, domineering control freak she really is, I have it!!!
The New Guy's going to be cheesed off, but at least I can tell him what was said today and all the landlady's tricks. I just hope he doesn't think he's dating a doormat.
Kalyb xx
Posted by Penny on July 10, 2003, at 12:16:54
In reply to Re: Landlady - again - more...., posted by kalyb on July 10, 2003, at 12:06:27
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I totally understand, especially the looking like you're about to burst into tears due to being afraid of your parents as a child...
But you are not a child anymore!!! You don't have to take this s**t!!!!!
I know, easier said than done, I don't know where I would go if I had to find a new place all of a sudden - it would freak me out and send me deeper into the Pit.
What would be the consequences of your ignoring her demands and going camping anyway and being back after she leaves? Anything worse than her making your life a living hell, which she does already anyway? You said she doesn't have the money to pay someone to take care of the menagerie, so what are the chances that she would kick you out? That would put her at an extreme disadvantage from what I can see, so probably not likely, is it?
As I said, I know, easier said than done. I have a really hard time standing up for myself and confronting others, and when I have made choices in my best interest, it has come back to bite me in the butt.
Hoping this will work out for the best.
Penny
Posted by stjames on July 10, 2003, at 12:45:16
In reply to Re: Landlady - again - more...., posted by kalyb on July 10, 2003, at 12:06:27
> * If he’s a guy worth having, he won’t make a fuss and we’ll be able to go some other time.Or he will not want to date someone how cannot
stand up for themself. He also may feel that he
deserves someone who does not have these issues.
Posted by Greg on July 10, 2003, at 12:58:37
In reply to Re: Landlady - again - more...., posted by kalyb on July 10, 2003, at 12:06:27
Kaly,
I understand how you feel, I really do. And I can tell in your words how very, very hard this is on you. But at some point in time you have to take a stand with her or her behavior is going to continue. You are her tennent, not her personal slave. I still think that you make the offer to have her write down the instructions for you, agree on a firm time when you will return, and let that be good enough. Why should your happiness be sacrificed? All she is doing is badgering you into getting her way. It sounds like you've had enough of that in your life.
This isn't about what the landlady or your guyfriend thinks, it's about what you think and what's best for your personal growth.
As usual, sticking my nose in where it probably doesn't belong.
Greg
Posted by fallsfall on July 10, 2003, at 16:29:00
In reply to Re: Landlady - again - more.... » kalyb, posted by Greg on July 10, 2003, at 12:58:37
Well, she is creative and thorough. But you still have rights to your life. I agree that you have to start pushing back, and that this is a good time to do so.
Choose the most important (to her) 3 or 4 reasons she gave. Tell her that you understand reason#1, and that you understand why reason#2 concerns her, and that you understand reason#3. (This lets her know that you did understand what she said and why it was important to her) Those are her needs. Then state yours (simply.). Explain why you can still meet her needs (i.e. to have the animals and house taken care of) while meeting yours.
You may lose this one, but you will at least have started laying the groundwork for the successes of the future!
Good Luck
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