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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 45. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tabitha on July 1, 2003, at 13:14:17
There must be some website full of stuff like this.. but I'd rather put it here. You know, I wanted it to end, but does it have to be like this? I suppose I couldn't get what I wanted DURING the relationship, why should I think I could get what I wanted from the ending. It would be nice though.
One consolation: At least if he's going to walk away from the sight of me, I don't have to quit going to my favorite starbucks. It's all MY TURF now.
Before she left for vacation, my therapist reminded me it doesn't mean anything about me if a guy I date uses an immature psychological style of having to erase people or tear them down to nothing when the romance ends.
After a breakup, I find it helps to identify the things I liked most about him, and try to develop those qualities in myself. He had this lovely corkscrew curly hair. Mine is wavy with the occasional corkscrew on a humid day. Yesterday I bought a book on hair care to maximize curls. Shallow? WHo cares. It's a 3 week hair care program. In 3 weeks I'll probably be nearly thru the grief process. I'm off to the store to buy the recommended clear styling gel.
Subj: Hello
If I talk to you on the phone or in person it will be
like taking a drink of whiskey for me. it will set up
the craving. I cannot contact you anymore. I will
react like an alcoholic taking a drink if I do. You
are not a bad person. Nor am I. we don't work and we
both no it. I will not read your email if you send
one. I will not answer the phone. I will not listen
to any phone messages. I will walk away from you If I
see you. I hope some day to think of you with loving
thoughts in my heart and not feel a needy craving and
obsession to use you as a drink. I am sorry for all
the pain I caused you. If I stay it will just cause
more. I wish you the best life. I in all sincerity
do. Hopefully some day I will not reduce you to
whiskey and I will be able to see you for who you are.
Maybe on that day we can be friends. I have no idea
when that day will come. take care and enjoy your
life
Posted by Dinah on July 1, 2003, at 13:26:10
In reply to My latest 'Dear Jane' email..., posted by Tabitha on July 1, 2003, at 13:14:17
Oh Tabitha, I'm sorry, but that email really tells me that you should be out celebrating. I think he might have been trying for gracious!
Ah well, at least you found out relatively early and released him back to the dating pool. There are mature sensible men out there, you know. But it's like finding a good therapist or pdoc. It just takes a few tries.
Ok, I know nothing and my words are far from wisdom. I haven't dated for forever and beyond. But I do think you deserve better.
Posted by Greg on July 1, 2003, at 14:08:47
In reply to My latest 'Dear Jane' email..., posted by Tabitha on July 1, 2003, at 13:14:17
Tabitha,
I've been following what's been going on with you and searching for words that might help you feel just a tiny bit better. Alas, there are none. So I will give you good thoughts, keep you in my heart, and send you a big cyber hug. These things aren't worth much, but they're the best I can give you. Hang in there kiddo...it does stop hurting.
(((((Tabs)))))
Greg
Posted by Miller on July 1, 2003, at 14:55:10
In reply to My latest 'Dear Jane' email..., posted by Tabitha on July 1, 2003, at 13:14:17
Ouch. It is hard to tell if I think he is the weakest man I have heard of in a while or the hardest. Either way, you ARE way too good for him.
Your maturity shows in how you try to better yourself regardless of his intention to injure you.
Let me know how your hair turns out. If it works, I might try it.
I send love, hugs, and good thoughts for you to find peace.
-Miller
Posted by mair on July 1, 2003, at 15:10:36
In reply to My latest 'Dear Jane' email..., posted by Tabitha on July 1, 2003, at 13:14:17
I know that this stuff hurts like hell, but you might want to save this letter because I think it falls into the "someday I'll think this is hilarious" category. Also I love the way you're trying to cope. And no matter how much you think you'll miss him, consider that you've written here that one of the things you liked most about him was his hair. Dinah is right - there are definitely better guys out there for you.
(((())))
Mair
Posted by Tabitha on July 1, 2003, at 18:46:55
In reply to Re: My latest 'Dear Jane' email..., posted by Dinah on July 1, 2003, at 13:26:10
Thanks Dinah. It means a lot to me now to be told I deserve better. During the last little round of this, after I had contacted him out of pure loneliness, he did his best to tear me down and convince me my problems were as bad as his. It was so important to him that we be at the same level. If he couldn't come up, then clearly I had to come down. I was convinced for about a half a day.
Posted by Tabitha on July 1, 2003, at 18:52:57
In reply to Re: My latest 'Dear Jane' email... » Tabitha, posted by mair on July 1, 2003, at 15:10:36
and I definitely feel supported. My therapist warns me I keep thinking every guy I date is my last chance for love or something. I can't imagine there's someone better, even though, as many crappy relationships as I've had, I have to admit they're improving. For instance, this one only lasted 3 months. At some point in my past I might have stayed stuck in it for years.
One positive thing, it sure did awaken my desire to have a partner, and even a child (after 40!)
Posted by Tabitha on July 2, 2003, at 1:53:40
In reply to Re: Thanks everyone.. you got a laugh out of me.., posted by Tabitha on July 1, 2003, at 18:52:57
therapist on vacation, friends all busy with holiday travel plans. I'll be alone on the 4th. I hate being alone 4th of july, 2nd worst only to christmas. Even my birthday alone is better.
I've been fairly OK so long, I think I've forgotten my coping mechanisms. With all his flaws he's been the only person there for me on a daily basis, even more than once a day. I've never had that kind of closeness. I didn't even know I could tolerate it. Usually I think once a week is too much to see a guy.
Remind me.. what does one do when one feels desperate? Can't call the therapist, she's on vacation. Can't call friends, I've already exhausted them all with my saga. I've been thinking of dipping into the old dead relationships pool. Folks who will be surprised to hear from me at all, much less in a barely concealed crisis state. If I were thinking rationally I'd know that's a mistake.
Even calling friends makes me feel worse. It's like opening up the wound again to talk about it, then they can't talk long enough to provide any relief.
What did I used to do? I haven't felt this desperate in so long, I've forgotten. Is it better to cry or not to cry? To wallow in pain or try to do pleasant things to provide distraction. To up the meds or hold steady? To focus on it or away from it. I can't remember.
Posted by Dinah on July 2, 2003, at 11:59:25
In reply to Re: nonetheless, there's nobody else there NOW, posted by Tabitha on July 2, 2003, at 1:53:40
Dang blasted therapist vacations! They should be required to make them coincide with ours! Oh wait, I rarely take em.
Well, I know we're not perfect, but we are here for you. I'm not even going away for the fourth, although my moods are all over and I may be hiding in the closet at any given moment. But when I'm not, I'm here for you. :) Especially if you promise to help prop me up next week while mine is gone.
(Not the same, I know. :( )
Posted by Tabitha on July 2, 2003, at 12:47:51
In reply to Re: nonetheless, there's nobody else there NOW, posted by Dinah on July 2, 2003, at 11:59:25
It helps a lot actually, having you Babblers and you Dinah there.
But the therapist vacation DOES coincide with mine. Unfortunatly it also coincides with the biggest emotional crisis I've had in a while.. coincidence? it's my vacation too. just 2 weeks of unstructured time... no travel plans... This is one of those do-nothing vacations that isn't turning out to be so enjoyable. Although I did go to the county fair and had a surprisingly good time.
Maybe I just need to get off my butt, quit whining about my love life, and do some chores that need doing, then reward myself with a beach walk at sunset. Have a no-thinking-about-my-love-life day. Doesn't that sound like a lovely plan?
Can I do it? Can I?
Posted by Dinah on July 2, 2003, at 15:33:57
In reply to Re: nonetheless, there's nobody else there NOW » Dinah, posted by Tabitha on July 2, 2003, at 12:47:51
Posted by whiterabbit on July 2, 2003, at 15:58:28
In reply to Re: nonetheless, there's nobody else there NOW » Dinah, posted by Tabitha on July 2, 2003, at 12:47:51
Men, they kill me. I got that "maybe later we can be friends" line from my husband, who is busily divorcing me to be with the new woman.I laughed in an evil way and said, "You've got to be kidding. I'm not going to hang around here just in case you decide to be my friend. This is my big chance to move to the coast, right? I'm out of here."
He looked shocked. I guess he never considered that I'D want to get away from HIM. After all he's put me through, my pain was turning to rage-
still not a good state of mind to be in, the hater suffers more than the hated in most cases.
But the anger was better than the feeling of having been rejected and abandoned - that had been close to unbearable.So what we're going through now is all part of the process of grieving - maybe it helps to look at such raw emotion in a clinical way. You have to endure these heavy and painful emotions by getting through one day at a time, and each day you're just a little further along - not in any noticeable way, but in the way that your hair grows and glaciers move - you're a tiny bit further along in the discernable stages of grieving. At the end, God willing, you reach acceptance.
I can't even think about other men yet, I'm not ready for that. My God, the last time I was NOT in a committed relationship, nobody had heard of AIDS! I don't know how I'm going to deal with that whole scene - maybe I just won't. I'll just move to a cabin in the swamp, sew voodoo dolls of my ex-husband and feed the alligators to pass the time.
Banjo, please....
Gracie
Posted by Tabitha on July 2, 2003, at 18:14:09
In reply to I THINK you can, I THINK you can, I THINK you can (nm) » Tabitha, posted by Dinah on July 2, 2003, at 15:33:57
I did SOME useful things-- got the oil in the car changed, did a little weeding, went to the mall and bought a purse (larger than normal for me, nice soft suede with some cute beadwork and hot pink satin lining), some cheap silver jewelry, had a decent lunch, and the big treat, went to Tiffany to get my necklace cleaned. For 5 minutes you get treated like royalty--and your gems sparkle afterward.
Posted by Dinah on July 2, 2003, at 20:00:42
In reply to Re: I THINK you can, I THINK you can, I THINK you can, posted by Tabitha on July 2, 2003, at 18:14:09
Posted by Tabitha on July 3, 2003, at 14:20:02
In reply to Re: I KNEW you could, I KNEW you could :) (nm) » Tabitha, posted by Dinah on July 2, 2003, at 20:00:42
We made up. I'm now officially one of those silly people who breaks up, trash talks the other person, posts his kiss-off email on the internet, complains to all her friends, then makes up 2 days later.
Boy do I feel like a nut. Maybe it's time to go back to my healthy relationship support groups.
Thanks for all the support-- I really needed it, even if it seems now like the 'breakup' wasn't really real. I hope nobody feels cheated.
Posted by Greg on July 3, 2003, at 14:44:47
In reply to Re: OK, I'm in a crazy high-drama relationship..., posted by Tabitha on July 3, 2003, at 14:20:02
You know we're happy if you are:)
As my wife always reminds me, one of the best things about being married is we'll always have a date for the dance...
Hope you have a great holiday weekend!
Greg
Posted by Dinah on July 3, 2003, at 16:12:19
In reply to Re: OK, I'm in a crazy high-drama relationship..., posted by Tabitha on July 3, 2003, at 14:20:02
No problem, Tabitha, as long as you don't hold what we might have said against us. :)
I hope all goes well.
Dinah
Posted by kara lynne on July 3, 2003, at 16:36:18
In reply to Re: OK, I'm in a crazy high-drama relationship... » Tabitha, posted by Dinah on July 3, 2003, at 16:12:19
...and am accepting all rollover condolonces.
Everyone can still feel really badly for me, if they like. ;)
Posted by Dinah on July 3, 2003, at 16:49:57
In reply to *I'm* still broken up..., posted by kara lynne on July 3, 2003, at 16:36:18
Consider the condolences rolled over.
You know, I always feel like such a dunce on the relationship threads. I haven't experienced relationship angst for over twenty years, and even then it was the thrill of the hunt and not a breakup. So I feel singularly ill-equipped to say anything but "I'm really sorry for the pain you're going through."
Posted by Gabbix2 on July 3, 2003, at 17:23:00
In reply to Re: *I'm* still broken up... » kara lynne, posted by Dinah on July 3, 2003, at 16:49:57
Kara Lynne you're funny!
But you know I empathize.. and I'm sorry.I think I'm broken up, he's just not around to say it, so maybe I could have some too?
I feel sick.
Sort of the trickle down theory except in Breakup
Land..
Posted by kara lynne on July 3, 2003, at 18:14:19
In reply to I think I'm broken up..., posted by Gabbix2 on July 3, 2003, at 17:23:00
Gab,
But you don't *know* yet. The problem is you have only your own mind to check the facts with--and I don't mean that to be insulting!Remember what he said, remember how long it's been. Remember anything he's given you that you can hawk.
I still get all the condolences for now.
Posted by kara lynne on July 3, 2003, at 18:18:56
In reply to Re: *I'm* still broken up... » kara lynne, posted by Dinah on July 3, 2003, at 16:49:57
Dinah,
Any kindness is still kindness. It all works! Thank you, and thank you for all your kindnesses to me.
Posted by Gabbix2 on July 3, 2003, at 20:02:45
In reply to Re: I think I'm broken up..., posted by kara lynne on July 3, 2003, at 18:14:19
Okay, you win, they're all yours for now.
And you're right, I still have stuff I can hawk :)Love to you
xo
Posted by Dinah on July 3, 2003, at 20:27:39
In reply to Re: I think I'm broken up...Kara Lynn, posted by Gabbix2 on July 3, 2003, at 20:02:45
lol you two. :))
What's up, Gabbi? Anything you care to discuss?
Posted by Tabitha on July 3, 2003, at 23:01:35
In reply to Re: OK, I'm in a crazy high-drama relationship... » Tabitha, posted by Dinah on July 3, 2003, at 16:12:19
> No problem, Tabitha, as long as you don't hold what we might have said against us. :)
>I may be a silly woman but I'm not that silly. I'll take it in the spirit it was given-- as support for me. And I realize I just might have the teensiest tendency to exaggerate his flaws when I'm hurt.. so of course people are going to say 'what a jerk'.
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