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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 24 of 24. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by shar on June 28, 2003, at 14:41:04
I hate it when I'm going along just depressed and not suicidal (those are my good days), and then, whoosh, without warning, down the chute we go, into the abyss, and nothing to hold onto, I'm there before I know it. And, then. There I am.
I always wonder if it will go up again, ever.
Shar
Posted by fallsfall on June 28, 2003, at 15:50:47
In reply to whoosh, down the rabbit hole, posted by shar on June 28, 2003, at 14:41:04
Be good to you. Do things that make you feel good. Have you ever read "The Woman's Comfort Book"? It is full of great ideas for ways to take care of yourself (almost all of them work for guys, too).
When it gets really bad I turn on a movie. Then I don't have to think of anything else to do for an hour and a half or two hours.
But, you are right, it is no fun.
(((((Shar))))) (hugs always work wonders for me, too)
Posted by yesac on June 28, 2003, at 17:46:49
In reply to whoosh, down the rabbit hole, posted by shar on June 28, 2003, at 14:41:04
> I hate it when I'm going along just depressed and not suicidal (those are my good days), and then, whoosh, without warning, down the chute we go, into the abyss, and nothing to hold onto, I'm there before I know it. And, then. There I am.
>
> I always wonder if it will go up again, ever.Yeah, when I go down I always wonder too, and usually think that no, it won't ever get better. But then somehow it always has, sort of.
I hope that it goes "up" for you soon.
Take care.
Posted by Dinah on June 28, 2003, at 19:43:05
In reply to whoosh, down the rabbit hole, posted by shar on June 28, 2003, at 14:41:04
I'm sorry Shar. Yeah, when you're down there, up seems impossibly far away. But I hope your stay in the abyss is brief.
Posted by Penny on June 28, 2003, at 20:45:35
In reply to whoosh, down the rabbit hole, posted by shar on June 28, 2003, at 14:41:04
I like the rabbit hole imagery. Makes me think of Bugs Bunny. lol. I tend to call it "The Pit" and think of it as a big black hole. Of course you don't come out of black holes, do you? A rabbit hole is a lot less scary and a lot less permanent.
Ya know, we could always have a 'party' down there. Wow, wouldn't THAT be depressing!!!
We all end up there sometimes anyway...I'm there with you now. You're not alone...
Take care.
Penny
Posted by slinky on June 28, 2003, at 21:21:24
In reply to whoosh, down the rabbit hole, posted by shar on June 28, 2003, at 14:41:04
There will usually be some juicy carrots that will make you see in the dark rabbit hole and you'll find the way out.
I keep thinking after sleep I'll wake up refreshed and motivated enough to function.
Oh well, what goes down must come up.
Posted by noa on June 28, 2003, at 22:26:46
In reply to whoosh, down the rabbit hole, posted by shar on June 28, 2003, at 14:41:04
Shar, I'm sorry you are beset with the beast right now. But you have been in a good, long remission, and I have found that depressions after remissions are much briefer. Do you take any meds?
Posted by zenhussy on June 29, 2003, at 0:46:49
In reply to whoosh, down the rabbit hole, posted by shar on June 28, 2003, at 14:41:04
> I hate it when I'm going along just depressed and not suicidal (those are my good days), and then, whoosh, without warning, down the chute we go, into the abyss, and nothing to hold onto, I'm there before I know it. And, then. There I am.
>
> I always wonder if it will go up again, ever.
>
> SharCrapity crap crap crap crap. Damn Shar. Sorry that Alice and that damn cat have led you down the bunny hole again.
Or twas it the white rabbit? anywhoooo I'm sorry the beast is banging on the door. Sending you good wishes from where I'm at (ain't much better than you sweets) and hoping that like Noa said this will be a smaller depressive episode than last.
If not then keep posting out the pain. People here obviously listen and care.
Was just thinking about you and your fellow state poster and wondering if a bake sale is necessary after all?
Maybe some hidey hole time is needed? Just a thought.
Take the care you need and ask for the help you need. You've got folks who care and are willing to do what it takes to keep you afloat. I know these aren't the best words of comfort but they're all I've got right now.
From far away (but right with you in that black hole),
zh
Posted by zenhussy on June 29, 2003, at 1:17:31
In reply to whoosh, down the rabbit hole, posted by shar on June 28, 2003, at 14:41:04
> I hate it when I'm going along just depressed and not suicidal (those are my good days), and then, whoosh, without warning, down the chute we go, into the abyss, and nothing to hold onto, I'm there before I know it. And, then. There I am.
>
> I always wonder if it will go up again, ever.
>
> Sharthat pack of hounds you have need ya as well as quite a few people.
I'm far away from my beast for lord knows how long so snuggle up with those fuzzy pack wolves you have and get in some extra lovin' for me since I miss my pooch and don't know when I'll see her again = (
just remembered the healing power of pupster love and thought I'd mention it.
zh
Posted by shar on June 29, 2003, at 11:02:42
In reply to wait just a sec there » shar, posted by zenhussy on June 29, 2003, at 1:17:31
wise and wonderful advice, warm wishes for my health and well-being, caring cautions and optimism.....thanks to each and every one.
ironically, it is so hard to let it in because it seems my body armor (mind armor? heart armor?) goes on during the trip down. I do hear it, though, I do. And today is a bit better.
I do take meds, but due to the cost I've gone off Effexor (that was hell!) and just take 150 mg Wellbutrin per day. Can't afford to take the whole 300 per day that is prescribed. Wow, is my money situation *not* a good thing to think about right now!
Blessings upon all of your heads, I'm glad to know I'm not alone in the pit, but sorry anybody else has to be there. My 3 hounds from hell (hahahaha, they are total love dogs except for the psychotic one, and he WANTS to be a love dog, just doesn't know how yet) might bark away the dark, if they could do so while standing behind me.
I discovered eating, which I don't do while in the abyss, helps. I'm thanking my sweetheart for harassing me until I eat and cooking things I can't resist. That helped, too. If it's just me, crackers are fine and I don't reach for those until I can hardly stand.
Thanks to y'all, I very much appreciate your thoughts.
xoxo
Shar
Posted by judy1 on June 29, 2003, at 11:10:14
In reply to --y'all, posted by shar on June 29, 2003, at 11:02:42
I'm glad today was a little better for you. Let your SO help you as much as he can, I'm sure it hurts him to see you feeling so badly. And aren't animals (the 4 legged kind:-), wonderful too? So much unconditional love. We're all rooting for you- judy
Posted by yesac on June 29, 2003, at 11:30:43
In reply to Re: whoosh, down the rabbit hole » shar, posted by Penny on June 28, 2003, at 20:45:35
> Ya know, we could always have a 'party' down there. Wow, wouldn't THAT be depressing!!!
It would be like that deathday party that the ghosts have in Harry Potter (I forget which one) that Harry and Ron and Hermione go to. It is really dark and depressing, so much that they have to escape as soon as they get the chance. Too bad we couldn't escape so easily whenever we wanted to!
Posted by Dinah on June 29, 2003, at 11:55:31
In reply to --y'all, posted by shar on June 29, 2003, at 11:02:42
I'm glad you're feeling at least a bit better.
And you're right about food. You should be proud of yourself for allowing yourself to be tempted to eat. I usually just get mad at my husband if he tries it when I'm feeling rotten.
Hope tomorrow brings a bit better still.
Posted by whiterabbit on June 29, 2003, at 19:04:15
In reply to --y'all, posted by shar on June 29, 2003, at 11:02:42
I know it doesn't help you any but I'm following you down the rabbithole. Here we are again in Wonderland where nothing makes sense or is as it seems. At least I have one advantage that doesn't appear to be advantage-like at all: a philandering husband who has filed for divorce. But here's the good in it: a fine, solid reason for being depressed and agitated and also, a live target for my anger. I've avoided him and said little to him for weeks but this morning I let him have it with both barrels. (Not literally, despite the momentary satisfaction it would bring me, some Texas justice come to call...)
As painful as the whole situation is, depression for unknown reasons is worse. Actually, the reason isn't unknown: it's no longer a theory or medically unproven that such dispair has a biological source, brain chemistry out of balance. In fact in the world of psychiatrists, it's pretty much considered malpractice to attempt treatment with therapy alone and no medication once a mood disorder has been diagnosed.
Shar, have you been dx'd with bipolar? You seem to be aware that your depression has a cyclic nature. You should be on medication and not just an inadequate dose of Wellbutrin. I'm aware of the cost, my own medication would be more than $500 a month out-of-pocket...that doesn't count the psychiatric visits I need to get the medication. I've stipulated continued medical coverage in my own legal petition answering my husband's petition for divorce, but my attorney said that once I'm legally divorced, his insurance company is no longer obligated to supply medical coverage for me whether my ex-husband is willing to pay for it or not.
So of course I got extremely upset over this news.
I told him the truth, that I MUST have that medication, it's keeping me sane. I know what suicidal depression is like and I can't go back there, I just can't. So I answered my husband's divorce petition with my own petition for legal separation. It's only a temporary solution but I'll have medical coverage for the time being.I've applied for social security disability benefits and you should too. Even if you qualify for not very much money due to your earnings, SSA or SSI benefits will qualify you for Medicare or at least Medicaid. The last time I saw my GP, he said a wonderful thing to me: "I don't usually accept Medicaid patients but I'll be happy to make an acception for you."
I twisted away from the word 'Medicaid' when he said it, visibly upset. My doctor said, "No, you listen to me. Medicaid is a hell of a lot better than no coverage at all, take my word for it. You NEED medical coverage, don't you go without it."He's right, of course. Shar you need it too. This medical condition we have is as lethal as a malignant tumor. You are too good of a person, too smart and creative and caring, to let this thing get you. You need medical care.
You probably remember some of the stuff I've been through - the police, the paramedics, the overdoses, the alcohol and drug abuse, the hospitalizations. IF I CAN GET WELL WITH MEDICATION, I KNOW YOU CAN. Nobody thought I would make it, nobody. But here I am.
You can apply for social security benefits online at www.ssa.gov - I've gone through the process myself so write me if you have questions. There are so many small, petty, selfish, evil types wandering around in the world - don't leave us.
We need you.(((((Shar))))))
<3 Gracie
Posted by coral on June 30, 2003, at 2:54:03
In reply to whoosh, down the rabbit hole, posted by shar on June 28, 2003, at 14:41:04
Dearest, dearest Shar,
((((((((((((((((((Shar)))))))))))))))))
I'm sending you a wonderful broom that's marvelous for smacking cellar demons.
xoxoxoxoxoxo
Coral
Posted by Brio D Chimp on June 30, 2003, at 9:20:36
In reply to --y'all, posted by shar on June 29, 2003, at 11:02:42
> the psychotic one, and he WANTS to be a love dog, just doesn't know how yet)
yeah i know the feeling i hope it gets better
Posted by Emme on June 30, 2003, at 14:25:26
In reply to whoosh, down the rabbit hole, posted by shar on June 28, 2003, at 14:41:04
Ooh, very creative analogy. I always call it the abyss, or simply a "mood crash". It's a scary scary place. Wham and down I go. Despite my feeling that I can't survive another hour, the emotional forest fire burns out in a day or two. Then I'm tired and feel as if my circuits have all been blown. I didn't realize how much company I had down there. I am sorry you are there and I sure hope you are out of the hole very very soon.
(((shar)))
Emme
> I hate it when I'm going along just depressed and not suicidal (those are my good days), and then, whoosh, without warning, down the chute we go, into the abyss, and nothing to hold onto, I'm there before I know it. And, then. There I am.
>
> I always wonder if it will go up again, ever.
>
> Shar
Posted by Gabbix2 on June 30, 2003, at 17:05:16
In reply to Re: whoosh, down the rabbit hole » shar, posted by Emme on June 30, 2003, at 14:25:26
(((Shar))) can you e-me? Just one quick effortless
little email I promise.
Posted by Gabbix2 on June 30, 2003, at 17:11:12
In reply to Re: whoosh, down the rabbit hole, posted by Gabbix2 on June 30, 2003, at 17:05:16
Only if you're comfortable with it of course!
Posted by noa on June 30, 2003, at 19:45:24
In reply to P.S, posted by Gabbix2 on June 30, 2003, at 17:11:12
Posted by Gabbix2 on July 1, 2003, at 15:49:29
In reply to Re: P.S--Hi, good to see you (nm) » Gabbix2, posted by noa on June 30, 2003, at 19:45:24
That made me smile, and I was feeling smile-less.
Nice to see you too.
Posted by Gabbix2 on July 1, 2003, at 17:36:52
In reply to Re: P.S--Hi, good to see you Thank you! » noa, posted by Gabbix2 on July 1, 2003, at 15:49:29
You're right you know, nothing really does rhyme with Noa.. I did think about it though :)
Posted by zenhussy on July 2, 2003, at 17:29:45
In reply to Re: whoosh, down the rabbit hole » shar, posted by zenhussy on June 29, 2003, at 0:46:49
> > I hate it when I'm going along just depressed and not suicidal (those are my good days), and then, whoosh, without warning, down the chute we go, into the abyss, and nothing to hold onto, I'm there before I know it. And, then. There I am.
> >
> > I always wonder if it will go up again, ever.
> >
> > Shar
>
> Crapity crap crap crap crap. Damn Shar. Sorry that Alice and that damn cat have led you down the bunny hole again.
>
> Or twas it the white rabbit? anywhoooo I'm sorry the beast is banging on the door. Sending you good wishes from where I'm at (ain't much better than you sweets) and hoping that like Noa said this will be a smaller depressive episode than last.
>
> If not then keep posting out the pain. People here obviously listen and care.
>
> Was just thinking about you and your fellow state poster and wondering if a bake sale is necessary after all?
>
> Maybe some hidey hole time is needed? Just a thought.
>
> Take the care you need and ask for the help you need. You've got folks who care and are willing to do what it takes to keep you afloat. I know these aren't the best words of comfort but they're all I've got right now.
>
> From far away (but right with you in that black hole),
>
> zhwhiterabbit,
I just reread this and hope you didn't think I was referring to you as the Alice in Wonderland bunny. I had just watched the Disney version with the kids I take care of not too long ago. But just saw your name in thread and smacked my forehead thinking I've insulted you.
Hope you didn't feel that. Sorry if it was read that way. I was really making the Alice ref. and nothing about you.
a confused zenhussy
Posted by noa on July 2, 2003, at 20:27:41
In reply to Pardon me, I mean, Noa Boa..., posted by Gabbix2 on July 1, 2003, at 17:36:52
Thanks. I guess I can forego a rhyming name. There is always, "So, uh, Noa..."
With lots of folks changing identities around here, maybe I should think of a new name that will have a handy rhyme to go with it when I'm in certain moods...
Thanks for thinkin of me.
This is the end of the thread.
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