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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by Dinah on January 16, 2003, at 17:19:38
In reply to Re: SI and suicidal ideation and me » Dinah, posted by Noa on January 16, 2003, at 16:53:29
Thanks for understanding, Nikki.
And yes, Noa, I do have a support system in place, and Babble is part of it, while my poor therapist shoulders the lion's share. For me, keeping it quiet is toxic, but I do keep it quiet in most arenas. My husband usually knows nothing about any of it, and certainly my son doesn't. It's amazing how normal I can look while I'm obsessing - a bit distracted perhaps. And of course the worst of it comes in the middle of the night.
I think one of the reasons SSRI's increased the cutting is that "oh well, whatever" effect they had. Fighting the urges didn't seem worth it. I have read (I think somewhere on Babble) that SSRI's have a disinhibiting effect. But I had the odd feeling that it just took more to get my attention on SSRI's. "HEY YOU!!! SOMETHING'S WRONG!!!" had to take a more extreme form.
Posted by OddipusRex on January 16, 2003, at 19:22:35
In reply to Re: Thanks Nikki and Noa, posted by Dinah on January 16, 2003, at 17:19:38
Dinah I thought the post on Admin was out of line but I thought you were saying you didn't want any discussion of it so I kept my fingers off the keyboard. I hope you feel better. Post whatever you want. I'm always astonished at people that are brave enough to post such private things. I hope your feelings weren't too hurt (or too yucky a colour:).
Posted by kamikazi_ladybug on January 16, 2003, at 19:26:52
In reply to SI and suicidal ideation and me, posted by Dinah on January 16, 2003, at 9:37:20
Ok, I'm going to try this and make sense.
I really tried to find the previous post in question, I have read your posts for so long, I truly don't believe you could ever be an "attention seeking faker" but since I've been back on seroquel I've been in lala land and missed quite a few posts lately..anyway...back to topic here (see I'm trying).
Dinah, when I read your post I would say 93% I felt like it could be my story. I had to hide my fears, distress, and always my angers as a child. If I was heard crying as a child I would get it. I think thats why as an adult I can't cry..which leads to being angry. I was/am a SI and have gone through bout of suicidal ideation and attempts, but just like you I am TRYING to learn coping skills NOW. It has been a long time, I am 30 years old now. Been being treated for 7 years, all those years I wasn't treated whoa, I was a mess, talk about disaster! I'm sure many can relate. But as you said also, learning how to behave in 2 different ways....my way when I had to be good, and my way when I was with myself. I am medicated, which is a so so thing, I have been very hard to treat.
SI I believe is something that I will always have to fight, but I can do it! Suicidal ideation I can beat, I don't want to die, I may think I do but I can't. We have an illness, a terrible illness, people look at us and we look fine, they don't see the chaos inside.
Dinah, I'm so sorry that you didn't get the support you needed. You deserve it!
KL (I'm sorry if this is way off base, blame it on the seroquel)
Posted by Dinah on January 16, 2003, at 20:56:25
In reply to Re: Dinah, posted by OddipusRex on January 16, 2003, at 19:22:35
Thanks, but I don't think it's courage so much as turning over and exposing my soft underbelly. I'm more spaniel puppy than bulldog.
I'm not sure hurt had a color. I'll have to check. Wouldn't it be great if we could all do our emotional color wheels and then post them somewhere? It would be so interesting to see who sees what color as which emotion.
Posted by Dinah on January 16, 2003, at 21:15:23
In reply to Re: SI and suicidal ideation and me » Dinah, posted by kamikazi_ladybug on January 16, 2003, at 19:26:52
It's not off base at all. I suspect that's one of the reasons people self injure. The pressure of maintaining the facade. Of course, there are many more reasons. Even for me, sometimes.
I really feel for you, not being allowed to cry. That is horrible. My family didn't discourage that, in fact we were all encouraged to yell along and emote all over. It just that I felt I had to be the calm one (or calmer one anyway) and definitely the peacemaker. But it was more for family stability than from any threat to myself.
I'm so glad you're fighting the urges. It's not an easy thing to do. And it's such a taboo subject mostly. If you ever need a supportive ear, I'd be happy to listen.
Dinah
Posted by Dinah on January 16, 2003, at 21:16:13
In reply to Re: SI and suicidal ideation and me, posted by Dinah on January 16, 2003, at 21:15:23
Posted by NikkiT2 on January 17, 2003, at 6:04:25
In reply to Re: Thanks Nikki and Noa, posted by Dinah on January 16, 2003, at 17:19:38
Dinah,
I also hate SSRI's.. so you're not alone there.. but I have found Zyprexa totally amazing for my suicidal ideation.. it helped lift it within hours of taking my first tablet.. I only take 5mg, and while it hasn't liften the depression at all, the relief of not having constant suicidal thoughts and planning is huge.
I know how exhausting it is to be thinking these so much of the time.
Maybe its something to think about trying.
Nikki x
Posted by ROO on January 17, 2003, at 8:45:51
In reply to Re: SI and suicidal ideation and me » Dinah, posted by kamikazi_ladybug on January 16, 2003, at 19:26:52
Dinah--I can completely relate to your post...although
I've never self injured. I can relate to the rage...and I've
_wanted_ and had urges to self injure before...I think the only
reason I haven't is I've sensed the power behind the act, and I knew
if I allowed myself to do it, that it might feel really good and I
would want to keep doing it.
The rage has a real impotent feel to it, which adds to the rage!
So frustrating....Maybe it's all about feeling powerless....
back to those childhood feelings....
Posted by Tabitha on January 17, 2003, at 13:53:29
In reply to SI and suicidal ideation and me, posted by Dinah on January 16, 2003, at 9:37:20
You did nothing wrong. I'm behind on the threads, but I did see that discussion on Admin. I imagine it would hurt to see yourself discussed like a specimen, and to see those suggestions about your motivations. Keep speaking your truth, if not here, then somewhere.
Posted by Dinah on January 17, 2003, at 19:48:19
In reply to Re: SI and suicidal ideation and me, posted by ROO on January 17, 2003, at 8:45:51
> I can relate to the rage...and I've_wanted_ and had urges to self injure before...I think the only reason I haven't is I've sensed the power behind the act, and I knew if I allowed myself to do it, that it might feel really good and I
would want to keep doing it.You are so wise, Roo. I wish I could turn back the clock on that one. It's easier to never start something like that than it is to stop it.
Posted by Dinah on January 17, 2003, at 19:50:58
In reply to Re: SI and suicidal ideation and me » Dinah, posted by Tabitha on January 17, 2003, at 13:53:29
But hey, I'm getting better Tabitha. There was a time when I would have had a complete meltdown. My ego is strengthening at least a wee bit.
Good to see you back. I've missed you.
Dinah
Posted by Dinah on January 17, 2003, at 19:51:50
In reply to Re: SI and suicidal ideation and me, posted by Dinah on January 17, 2003, at 19:48:19
Posted by judy1 on January 18, 2003, at 11:37:18
In reply to Re: SI and suicidal ideation and me, posted by Dinah on January 17, 2003, at 19:48:19
I just wanted to say how sorry I was (I just read the thread you were referring too), I would have been incredibly hurt if someone posted about me. I think you reacted in a strong and healthy way, I am really impressed. Do you have any idea why you're having such a hard time now (and I apologize if you've already said why, I'm not very good about reading all the posts). Is it the time of year- holidays? winter? You mentioned the cortisol testing on PB, does your dr. suspect hormonal or thyroid problems? Just wondering, you don't have to answer- I just hate to see you having such a difficult time. take care- judy
Posted by Dinah on January 18, 2003, at 20:36:46
In reply to Re: SI and suicidal ideation and me » Dinah, posted by judy1 on January 18, 2003, at 11:37:18
Hi Judy,
Thank you. I do see an improvement in that area myself, and my therapist was proud of me.
I asked about the cortisol because I guess I always hope there's some answer out there, and I was curious to see if that was a possibility. But it doesn't look all that promising, unfortunately.
I am pretty sure I'm stressed from a combination of work, my brother being called up for duty, the obligation to care for my aging parents since my brother currently lives with them, and those darn cyclothymia swings. They all kind of converged this time.
But I've been goofing off today, and I'm feeling much better. Sometimes a lousy memory can be a blessing. :)
How about you? Have you gone back to therapy, or is your therapist still out of town?
Posted by judy1 on January 19, 2003, at 15:52:13
In reply to Re: SI and suicidal ideation and me » judy1, posted by Dinah on January 18, 2003, at 20:36:46
It does sound like you have a lot of stresses on your plate- I'm glad you took some time for you and it helped you feel better. I actually just made an appt. with my pdoc this coming week (he does therapy too) and will probably see my therapist soon- both New Years resolutions. take care, judy
Posted by corafree on October 16, 2004, at 23:37:41
In reply to Re: Thanks everyone..., posted by Dinah on January 16, 2003, at 12:35:21
No one here. Panic attack. Pls respond who has experience with sky-high anxiety in response to boyfriend slam door behind him, broken heart, fear, sad, angry, burden on those few left that you love, alone or feeling extremely lonely, PTSD, BpersonD w/o severe psychotic symptoms, daggers of invalidation, inability to learn, consider finished work on earth, too ill now, raised them well to be wise young adults. No crisis lines opens, all busy. Panicking!!!! No med to help. No $ for hospital. Plan, tools, place. Those that identify, show me you are out there please...it's dark here. Corafree
Posted by Larry Hoover on October 17, 2004, at 10:14:14
In reply to Urge Plan Tools Suicide, posted by corafree on October 16, 2004, at 23:37:41
> No one here. Panic attack. Pls respond who has experience with sky-high anxiety in response to boyfriend slam door behind him, broken heart, fear, sad, angry, burden on those few left that you love, alone or feeling extremely lonely, PTSD, BpersonD w/o severe psychotic symptoms, daggers of invalidation, inability to learn, consider finished work on earth, too ill now, raised them well to be wise young adults. No crisis lines opens, all busy. Panicking!!!! No med to help. No $ for hospital. Plan, tools, place. Those that identify, show me you are out there please...it's dark here. Corafree
>
>I've babblemailed you. Please answer.
Lar
Posted by corafree on October 18, 2004, at 18:48:30
In reply to Re: Urge Plan Tools Suicide » corafree, posted by Larry Hoover on October 17, 2004, at 10:14:14
Lar, I'm sorry but I deleted your babble because I was afraid, didn't know your name. I'll see if it is still in my deleted files. Do you have a problem w/ suicidal ideation (seems like I go 3 to sometimes 4 months w/o), as I do? cf
> > No one here. Panic attack. Pls respond who has experience with sky-high anxiety in response to boyfriend slam door behind him, broken heart, fear, sad, angry, burden on those few left that you love, alone or feeling extremely lonely, PTSD, BpersonD w/o severe psychotic symptoms, daggers of invalidation, inability to learn, consider finished work on earth, too ill now, raised them well to be wise young adults. No crisis lines opens, all busy. Panicking!!!! No med to help. No $ for hospital. Plan, tools, place. Those that identify, show me you are out there please...it's dark here. Corafree
> >
> >
>
> I've babblemailed you. Please answer.
>
> Lar
Posted by Larry Hoover on October 18, 2004, at 19:31:44
In reply to Re: Urge Plan Tools Suicide » Larry Hoover, posted by corafree on October 18, 2004, at 18:48:30
> Lar, I'm sorry but I deleted your babble because I was afraid, didn't know your name. I'll see if it is still in my deleted files. Do you have a problem w/ suicidal ideation (seems like I go 3 to sometimes 4 months w/o), as I do? cf
That's okay, though babblemail is about as safe as anything could be.
I do get suicidal, ya, but I was just trying to reach out, once I saw your message. I bet you I could do better than one of those hotline people.
Lar
Posted by rayww on October 19, 2004, at 1:23:10
In reply to Urge,Plan,Tools - Suicide, posted by corafree on October 16, 2004, at 23:43:36
raised them well to be wise young adults.
You did good then. I read somewhere today that every person has a gift. Every single person. Your gift can pull you through if you let it. I think you know what it is.
Posted by corafree on October 19, 2004, at 1:23:11
In reply to Re: Urge,Plan,Tools - Suicide, posted by rayww on October 17, 2004, at 0:03:49
But it was my life's dream that I would be their rock. I have given, but still want to give to them.
My daughter just had a baby and because I am 'undependable', some days good, some days bad, when I offered to come to her place and care for the baby when she first begins work, she didn't like the idea.
But, but, but ... always some reason for me. Even reading my own writing, I see myself a person who has given up. And there again, so unlike me.
Things have hurt too much. There is so much fear where my heart is. As for love, there is so much in me that it brings tears to my eyes. I've loved everyone who has loved me and been hurt very very badly and laughed 'til the cows come home. I don't know how to spell know.
Am I getting this here?
thank you cf
> raised them well to be wise young adults.
>
> You did good then. I read somewhere today that every person has a gift. Every single person. Your gift can pull you through if you let it. I think you know what it is.
Posted by alexandra_k on October 19, 2004, at 1:23:11
In reply to Urge,Plan,Tools - Suicide, posted by corafree on October 16, 2004, at 23:43:36
Hi there, it sounds like you are having a hard time of things at the moment. Do you have a clinician that you can talk to - a T or something?
I know that sometimes things can seem hard and that there seems to be little hope that things will improve. I know that when I am in that place the absolute last thing that I want to hear is 'things will get better' as it invalidates my distress. But it is true.
Sometimes all we can do it try to take simple pleasures in the moment, like pets, baths, walks, etc.
I do hope that you hang in there and that things get better for you soon.
You are in my thoughts.
a_k9
Posted by nicolas on October 19, 2004, at 1:23:12
In reply to Re: Urge,Plan,Tools - Suicide, posted by alexandra_k on October 17, 2004, at 18:52:14
If you are still feeling suicidal please check yourself into a hospital.
I can't know exactly how you are feeling but I have experienced despair. I have rebuilt my life slowly this last year. Right now, if you are still in crisis, you need to get yourself to a safe place ... given time your agitation will pass and then from there it will be one day at a time. But please, if you are still making plans you need to get in a safe place now.
Posted by rayww on October 19, 2004, at 1:23:12
In reply to Re: Urge,Plan,Tools - Suicide » rayww, posted by corafree on October 17, 2004, at 18:28:38
You have the gift of love, and because you love so much, you also feel deep pain. God loves too, and understands your pain. Lean on Him, not just in your trials, but also in your love. I know God lives, and I know He loves each one of us.
Posted by Jai Narayan on October 19, 2004, at 1:27:01
In reply to Urge,Plan,Tools - Suicide, posted by corafree on October 16, 2004, at 23:48:11
My god...we are here.
I can hear your panic and hope that my little voice can reach you.go to a place in your environment where you feel safe.
Okay, take a deep breath and try to relax your body.
Start with your feet and tell them to let go of all the tension stored in them...let go and breath. then go up to your ankles and do the same. Each time inhaling and picturing yourself letting go of the tension. Go through your body till you get to the top of your head. Pay attention to your face and relax the muscles in your jaw, around your eyes....Okay once you are into being more relaxed.
just breath and know we are here.This helps me with panic, fear and desperation.
In my personal experience....when hard things happen I need to wait a while to make any decisions...things have a way of changing given enough time.I too have been on that edge.
Please keep reminding yourself that you really don't have to do anything right now.
What's the rush?
Pain is hard to go through but sometimes we just have to let it wash over us and then let it move on.
It does leave...
remember that.
keep breathing into the pain...
just feel it and let it go.Please keep talking and posting.
My thoughts are with you today.
Jai
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