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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Kam on January 3, 2003, at 12:17:56
If anyone is in need of support for verbal or physical abuse,whether current or past, I am here to try to help you!! Have been there and made it through to a new wonderful life !
Posted by Miller on January 3, 2003, at 13:16:32
In reply to support for abused women , posted by Kam on January 3, 2003, at 12:17:56
How long ago did you and the abuser part ways?
-Miller
Posted by Kam on January 3, 2003, at 13:56:14
In reply to Re: support for abused women » Kam, posted by Miller on January 3, 2003, at 13:16:32
> How long ago did you and the abuser part ways?
>
> -Miller
>
I have been divorced for 5 years and though therapy did a lot for me along with the meds for the panic attacks the abuse brought on. I still have a hard time somedays with the fact that I stayed so long with such an angry man. Which I did for my son. Not sure if that was best for him but I tried to provide as "normal" a life as I could for him. He is however in college now majoring in Physics so I must have hid the anguish enough to not affect him. I am now married to the most awesome man, sometimes I have to pinch myself and wonder do I deserve such a man. At the end of my marriage I had to scrape my self esteem off the ground. I am slowly gaining it back !
Posted by Miller on January 3, 2003, at 14:12:32
In reply to Re: support for abused women, posted by Kam on January 3, 2003, at 13:56:14
Kam,
Thank for responding and for your honesty. How did you "scrape your seflesteem off the ground"? What kind of support did you have (if any)?
I have always wondered how other women are able to "get over" the situation. I have always assumed they were just much stronger than I.
I know you don't have a secret formula for getting your life back, but any suggestions would help.
-Miller
Posted by Kam on January 3, 2003, at 14:46:36
In reply to Re: support for abused women » Kam, posted by Miller on January 3, 2003, at 14:12:32
Oh I was anything but strong when I left him, my son at 14 and me never on my own. But the relief alone of knowing I would never be beaten or verbally beaten was my strength at first. After a 17 year horrible marriage it wasn't easy to build my life again. I had a few close friends (which during marriage I couldn't), but I kept in contact enough they were the biggest help. As far as self esteem it takes time, when I met my husband to be, he helped me tremendously, he in fact was the first person I told of the many things I had gone through. I hid it behind a fake smile for mpst of the 17 years. Once the panic attacks came back my doctor recommended me to see a therapist and I must say that gave me a huge boost on my self esteem. I asked her once I can't believe a once strong person like I used to be let someone take control of me, she said you didn't let him, he just took it slowly, so slow your eventually brain washed without knowing how or when it happened. Talking about it without being ashamed anymore has also been a big step for me, release is an awesome therapy in itself!!!
Posted by Miller on January 3, 2003, at 18:18:32
In reply to Re: support for abused women, posted by Kam on January 3, 2003, at 14:46:36
Kam,
We are certainly different people. When I left the bad man, I was so torn up. I felt as if he REALLY loved me but didn't know how to handle his temper. I was love sick and physically sick (not to mention emotionally from abuse).
I don't talk about it still, and it has been 14 years or so. It seems like yesterday. I wish I could blame that whole time period on the bad man, but I know a lot of the decisions I made were mine; and they were wrong.
I am happy for you and your son. I am sure things will only get better for you. You should be proud of yourself. Thank you for sharing.
-Miller
Posted by Kam on January 3, 2003, at 20:39:06
In reply to Re: support for abused women » Kam, posted by Miller on January 3, 2003, at 18:18:32
Miller,
I suppose we are different, but when you have a man's hands around your neck until the eyes roll back in your head and you are laying on the floor while he is kicking you until the cops show up, you get to the point of if I leave and he stalks me the worst thing that could happen is he could kill me. Which at that point I was at my witts end. Even with my husband now, it still seems like yesterday, as my therapist taught me it is a part of you, like it or not. It needs to be dealt with. You need to talk about it and get it out to go on with your life. I held it in soooo long I started having panic attacks after I met my now husband, I said WHY now that I am the happiest I've been since my childhood am I having panic attacks. Well during therapy I found out it was because I let the wall down that I had built during the horrible times. Please talk to someone if you don't have anyone you trust or are comfortable with let me know we can email. I am a survivor of abuse. Yes with meds but never the less I survived !! And you can too ! Trust me ! This is not a dress rehearsal, It's all about YOU!!!
Posted by Miller on January 3, 2003, at 22:22:56
In reply to Re: support for abused women, posted by Kam on January 3, 2003, at 20:39:06
Kam,
I really don't know what to say to this post. I don't think I am ready yet to share it all. I know that sounds outrageous since it had been so long, but I don't know...
It's like if I talk about it, if I release it, that will make it more real than it was. I don't want to go through it all again. I don't know if I will ever be strong enough to talk openly about it.
Thank you very much for the offer. If I were ever to talk about it, yes, I think I would be more comfortable sharing with someone else who has been there.
-Miller
Posted by Kam on January 3, 2003, at 23:39:32
In reply to Re: support for abused women » Kam, posted by Miller on January 3, 2003, at 22:22:56
I think the only response to that is that when I was going through therapy my therapist said that she had seen women who were in their 60's and were abused when they were young and never said anything until their 60's. Like I said this is not a dress rehearsal this is YOUR life, it's ALL about YOU !! Life is a precious gift we have all been fortunate enough to have, let yourself shine. I don't know much about you but I do know you have something to give to this world ! You were not put here for nothing.
PLEASE believe in YOU !!! I DO !!
Posted by Kam on January 4, 2003, at 0:06:45
In reply to Re: support for abused women » Kam, posted by Miller on January 3, 2003, at 22:22:56
I'd like to add one more thing about not ready to share it "no it is not outrageous" BUT let me just tell you, as I said earlier when I let the brick wall that I had built down, OMG what a relief. Again I don't know your story but I do know that once you open up and let that wall fall down you'll find a wonderful person inside, and that is YOU. If I lost Myself for 17 years and am the most happiest woman on earth right now, I have to believe there are so many other women out there right now going through what I went through, and I think about it everyday there are many, many other women out there that are suffering whether past or present just like I did and I want to help them ... please reach out. . . I am here for you ! Talk to me PLEASE!
Posted by Noa on January 4, 2003, at 8:10:10
In reply to Re: support for abused women, posted by Kam on January 3, 2003, at 23:39:32
Just a thought---that what is good for one may not be good for another-yet. You had a good experience with letting down the brick wall (btw, the image reminds me of "The Women of Brewster Place", a book I loved) but for some people, I think letting down the wall can make them vulnerable if they are not quite ready to do so.
But I think it is good that you let people know that when they are ready, you are there to listen.
I am glad you did get liberated from your horrible situation. You're right, so many women never get out.
Posted by Kam on January 4, 2003, at 8:24:52
In reply to Re: support for abused women-yes but, posted by Noa on January 4, 2003, at 8:10:10
Noa,
I appreciate your response and yes you are so right that what is good for one may not be good for another. Thats for a therapist to decide for each individual. I simply want any abused woman out there to know they are somebody. And for me talking about it was my best therapy. And after my past experience and being diagnosed with PTSD, and anxiety, my ears are ALWAYS open and ready to listen to anyone else that has gone through or is going through a similar situation.
Posted by kath on January 4, 2003, at 20:22:58
In reply to Re: support for abused women-yes but, posted by Kam on January 4, 2003, at 8:24:52
Miller - you are so brave for talking about things to the extent that you have here!!!!!!! Hope you give yourself a pat on the back for that. Also, it's a compliment to the safety that you feel here.
K - thx for being open & sharing & being so willing to help others. How wonderful that you not only got out of that situation, but also are so willing & ready to help others. I hope that your son didn't witness too much of the violence. I also hope that he has been able to open up & talk about his childhood. Most of all, I hope he knows that how his father was is NOT OKAY. You must be so proud to have parented him in a way that he's able to carry on with his life in a positive way.
N - hi. Don't know if you remember a lady at Haven who was in a very abusive marriage. Her husband beat her face so much that the jaw-bones & face-bones were smashed. She's had numerous operations to try to fix her face up. She DID leave him, & does have a wonderful new relationship. It's not always easy, as she'll be the first to admit, but the more we all talk about it the better.
I hope that the women who get through it & heal will write openly about it. I'd love to see a book with various stories from women who've gotten out of bad relationships & gone forward.
Miller - no matter WHAT decisions you made; no matter HOW long you put up with the abuse - it is NOT your fault. NONE of it is your fault. It is SO important that you believe that. I send you big hugs....(((((((((((((((Miller))))))))))
love, Kath
> Noa,
>
> I appreciate your response and yes you are so right that what is good for one may not be good for another. Thats for a therapist to decide for each individual. I simply want any abused woman out there to know they are somebody. And for me talking about it was my best therapy. And after my past experience and being diagnosed with PTSD, and anxiety, my ears are ALWAYS open and ready to listen to anyone else that has gone through or is going through a similar situation.
Posted by Kam on January 4, 2003, at 21:49:56
In reply to Re: support for abused women-yes but-Miller,K,N..., posted by kath on January 4, 2003, at 20:22:58
Kath,
I thank you for your response, my son saw very little of what happened to me. He did however see enough to know he does not want to be like his father. And yes Miller it does take a brave person to finally open up and talk. Hugs from me as well !! And you should pat yourself on the back and in agreement you must not blame yourself. I am so sorry to hear about Haven, but so happy to hear she moved on and is her own person and happy. And BTW yes I am very proud of my son. He was my reason for living for many years, we are very tight now and he is a fine young man. Thank you for sharing!!
Posted by Miller on January 5, 2003, at 0:01:19
In reply to Re: support for abused women-yes but-Miller,K,N..., posted by Kam on January 4, 2003, at 21:49:56
Thank you guys for the supportive words. I think it has been easier to tell this forum, as a whole, about some things that happened.
I have a least a feeling of not being isplated, while at the same time not feeling focused on.
I guess I am afraid to talk about it in detail. I know it must sound stupid to you guys, but I think if I actually tell it all as it was, I will put myself back into the same place.
Thanks.
-Miller
Posted by Kam on January 5, 2003, at 0:32:52
In reply to Re: Kath and Kam:, posted by Miller on January 5, 2003, at 0:01:19
If I may Miller, it's all a part of the healing process. And yes that is from my past. And NO it sounds anything but stupid! YOU are a human being, put on this earth just as me and everyone else was. You are here for a reason, just as we all are. And No nobody is focusing here. And if your not comfortable with talking about it thats fine too. Just know there are ears out there for you. When ever if ever you are ready.
Posted by Noa on January 5, 2003, at 10:26:13
In reply to Re: Kath and Kam:, posted by Miller on January 5, 2003, at 0:01:19
>>>I know it must sound stupid to you guys, but I think if I actually tell it all as it was, I will put myself back into the same place.>>>
This hardly sounds stupid to me--it sounds very smart--aware of your needs at this moment in time. Even "The Courage to Heal", which is a kind of "bible" of advocacy for sexual abuse victims, strongly advocates staying aware of how much to reveal and when, and being aware of what you can tolerate and what you can't. The last thing you need is to to be flooded by traumatic feelings.
So it is not stupid, it is smart.
Posted by Kam on January 5, 2003, at 11:07:40
In reply to Re: Kath and Kam: » Miller, posted by Noa on January 5, 2003, at 10:26:13
Noa,
You are so very right, I have had a couple of nervous breakdowns in the past and they are anything but healthy or "fun". And reliving the past as well is quite the same, not healthy. Thats why I believe so whole heartedly in therapy. I can't tell you how many times I left my therapists office and said "okay that makes so much more sense then how I initially percieved it" As far as stregnth, I believe and this is "my opinion" because I found out in my own life we all have more stregnth then we know we have. But going about finding at your own pace is a definite!
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