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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Alii on January 1, 2003, at 2:29:42
...a suicide check (welfare check?)raise their hands?
Thanks to many circumstances which led to my being home tonight after many hours of going to the show and not getting let into the show because of a backpack and not having anywhere to put said backpack because of taking public transportation. This part means nothing.Come home. Sad. On the ride up on public transportation I was thinking through letters in my head, this I do often, and trying to get them mostly finished. I spent a better half of 45 minutes totally focused on looking out the window and thinking I am most certainly better off dead than alive.
Back home. Partner goes to bed. Dog goes out to lie on futon (damn lucky dog) and I go to sit in front of the wall unit heater and call a friend to cry out some of this pain and anguish inside of me.
This is a trusted soul. Someone with whom I've shared sacred information that I can't even get out to my therapist (although I am working in that direction).
This friend, pal, bud, chum worried when I hung up after some yelling had begun and me in my fragile state not wanting to be yelled at. So as not to wake my partner I turned off the house phone and machine and was fiddling with the cell for silent mode but just turned it off instead.
Great best concerned person of the old year (this all went down in the eleven o'clock hour folks of 2002) goes to my pal who called the police on me.
I got to go out to the sidewalk in front of my house and chat with a nice fella from the local department, along drives up another green and white with two inside--dirty Harriet and joe gun---who join young blondie who is inquiring as to my well-being.
I had all the right answers and all of this was in front of my neighbours across the street having their New Year's Eve party spilling out onto their front porch......I got to tell the police that I was fine and I even had my good friend on the cordless to talk to the officer when he arrived so that friend could explain why they had called in a welfare check.
Chit chat. Taking my med. Have both pdoc and therapist. Friend concerned and thanks but I'm okay. Wake partner? No, no need. Dog is in on futon. ( I brought her 70 lbs. out to the porch as they were leaving so she could wiggle her stumpy docked tail at them----loves uniforms our dog!!) I convinced them I'm fine. They left saying I could call for numbers to any agency if I needed, blah blah blah.
This was how I welcomed in 2003.
Fuck you to my dear friend. My anger for overreacting to my sharing inner pain that you mistook for imminent suicide is immense. I was talking about what I had been thinking all night so that I wouldn't be holding it in but never in all my mind did I ever think you would ring the fuzz. You really made my fucking night.
Grrrrrrrrr.
Happy fucking police filled suicide checks to all you out there too! I had one!!!!
~alii
Posted by Alii on January 1, 2003, at 3:31:02
In reply to Everybody who had the police show up tonight for , posted by Alii on January 1, 2003, at 2:29:42
...was 17 years ago.
Seventeen years thank you. Tonight was not helpful in the slightest.
When does a friend's concern become a horrid nightmare for the other party (me!)?
Bitch moan awake awake. So angry and so damn pissed I have a mental illness that involves situations like this one tonight.
This really bites. 2003 has begun but I am not starting this year in a positive frame of mind. Instead still stewing in anger I wish to be extinguished in 2003 at some point.
~~~Alii
Posted by IsoM on January 1, 2003, at 4:27:12
In reply to btw the previous 'welfare check' by police on me.., posted by Alii on January 1, 2003, at 3:31:02
Oh, Alii, Alii... I don't know what to say. What a horrible night any time of the year. Please, talk it out with your friend. Were they truly, honestly scared for you? I know it was interfering - intrusive - totally unwanted - but there's been so much talk of death & suicide that many of us are getting paranoid - not knowing whether to react or not.
Do we do something when it wasn't serious & then try to patch up relationships afterwards? Or do we do nothing because we're not sure if it's as bad as we imagine & then something irreversible happens & we're left to regret our inactions for the rest of our lives?
I don't have an easy answer. I don't know what was said between you & your friend. All I can do is feel bad for both of you. I can feel your pain & imagine how they may be feeling now too. I'm so sorry.
Posted by Alii on January 1, 2003, at 4:39:54
In reply to Re: suicide check... » Alii, posted by IsoM on January 1, 2003, at 4:27:12
> Oh, Alii, Alii... I don't know what to say. What a horrible night any time of the year. Please, talk it out with your friend. Were they truly, honestly scared for you? I know it was interfering - intrusive - totally unwanted - but there's been so much talk of death & suicide that many of us are getting paranoid - not knowing whether to react or not.
>
> Do we do something when it wasn't serious & then try to patch up relationships afterwards? Or do we do nothing because we're not sure if it's as bad as we imagine & then something irreversible happens & we're left to regret our inactions for the rest of our lives?
>
> I don't have an easy answer. I don't know what was said between you & your friend. All I can do is feel bad for both of you. I can feel your pain & imagine how they may be feeling now too. I'm so sorry.
Thanks for your reply IsoM. I'm just angry and teary and flat out pissed that the reality is that they could be coming to find my body someday so I cannot truly be upset with my friend for their concern yet their overreaction was just so, so unnecessary tonight.Today is 1/1. Group on 1/2, pdoc and individual thearpist on 1/6. Thinking of leaving message for therapist now (almost 3 a.m. out here) to let her in on some of my down side that she doesn't see when I am in group or session.
Angry. Sad. Hurt. Confused. Where is that fantastic list that Dreamerz posted ages and ages ago about feelings or adjectives? It was exquisite and I sure could use some word help right about now. I seem stuck on anger and sadness.
Woe.~Alii
Posted by Dinah on January 1, 2003, at 5:16:18
In reply to Re: suicide check... » IsoM, posted by Alii on January 1, 2003, at 4:39:54
Alii, I think you should let your therapist know, and answering machine is often the easiest way. I've asked my therapist to hang up sometimes so that I can leave a message.
I know that it was awful to have the police over. And you said there was some yelling on the phone? Maybe that has something to do with your anger too. But I'm sure your friend was honestly frightened and did what he/she thought was best. It's hard to judge sometimes when someone is in danger.
Would meditation help you any? You have a real affinity for water...
Wish I could say something to help.
Dinah (with insomnia)
Posted by Alii on January 1, 2003, at 5:23:52
In reply to Re: suicide check... » Alii, posted by Dinah on January 1, 2003, at 5:16:18
> Alii, I think you should let your therapist know, and answering machine is often the easiest way. I've asked my therapist to hang up sometimes so that I can leave a message.
>
> I know that it was awful to have the police over. And you said there was some yelling on the phone? Maybe that has something to do with your anger too. But I'm sure your friend was honestly frightened and did what he/she thought was best. It's hard to judge sometimes when someone is in danger.
>
> Would meditation help you any? You have a real affinity for water...
>
> Wish I could say something to help.
>
> Dinah (with insomnia)Sorry you've got the insomnia Dinah,
The yelling was from the friend at me. I've yelled at this person before so it isn't an unusual thing for this friendship but I was so fragile tonight I couldn't handle it and my hanging up and turning of the ringer so as not to wake the partner and turning off my cell so I could just cry and cry. Thank goodness I did turn it back on and listen to one message of this friend telling me that they were calling the police (the Internet is a scary thing people.....friends from other states able to call your local police dept.) so that I was outside and waving the car over to my driveway when they were just about to drive by and had their big ol' spotlight out.
I felt so humilated that because of my disease this is somthing that has now happened twice in my life due to my disease.
I did call and leave message for therapist and didn't consider it an emergency so said she could call back anytime tomorrow after a certain hour if she was around. Otherwise I see her Jan 2. No worries there.
I loooooove water but live with a shower stall and just can't really go into why even that in this house is just unworkable for a pisces.
Your post is more help than you know dm. Thank you sweetie.
~Alii
Posted by Gracie2 on January 1, 2003, at 17:44:11
In reply to Re: suicide check..., posted by Alii on January 1, 2003, at 5:23:52
Yep, I really do. Same thing happened to me, or close enough. Not so long ago, drunk and in absolute dispair, I called the operator at 4:00 am
and asked her for the number to a suicide hotline.
Evidently following instructions, she started to ask me questions instead. Had I taken pills, or harmed myself, or hurt anyone else? No. Was I thinking about killing myself right that minute?
Did I plan to kill myself in a specific way? No.Then she asked me, "If you did decide to kill yourself, how would you do it?" I was surprised by her question and blurted out the worst possible answer: "Well, we have guns all over the house." Then she started asking me things like,
were the guns locked away (yes), did I know where the keys were (yes), did we have ammunition (yes),
did I know how to load a gun (yes).Then I heard feet pounding up the porch stairs and someone started to hammer on the door. I was horrified. The dogs started barking, my husband woke up, my son woke up, there were two police cars and a fire rescue crew waiting outside, flashing red lights everywhere, neighbors peeking out the door.
Could it be worse? Oh, sure it can. My husband is a fireman and knows the EMT guys. Now everyone in the city fire department knows that he's married to a lunatic. I said to the police officer, "Is there any way that we can just forget about this?"
The cop says sorry, no, and asks if I still have a gun. I tell him that I don't have a gun, that all the guns in the house are legally owned by my husband and registered in his name. I said, "Please don't take the guns because my husband will kill me slowly if you do."So they didn't take the guns, but they wouldn't let me go either. They brought me to the hospital to be committed, and by accident or design I ended up in the psychiatric ward for seriously deranged and violent patients. All around me people are crying, yelling, drooling, cursing. People shuffling back and forth, drugged into oblivion. People tied to their beds.
Can it get any worse? Oh, you bet. If I want to have a job when I get out of this place, I have to call work, have to call in sick. What the hell do I tell them? I can't say I'm at home, the phone is in the hallway and people are screaming.
I can't ask my husband to call for me, I don't know where he is. They won't let me see anyone. But I also can't just not show up for work. I have a steady job, insurance, a profit-sharing plan. I need that stuff. So, finally, I pick up the phone and call work. I have to shout into the phone to be heard. I'm in the hospital, I'm alright, but I don't know how long it will be before I can return to work. I can't tell you what happened, I'll tell you later. I know, I know, it sounds like someone is being tortured.
It's just a sick person, a very sick person. I'll call back when I can tell you more.I'm humiliated, hung over, and scared to death. I slide down the wall, curl up into a ball, cover my ears and start crying.
So, Alii, I know just how you feel. Mental illness, what fun. I understand why you're angry with your friend, but your friend had a thought in her mind: If Alii is dead in the morning, it will be my fault because I didn't try to stop it, I didn't try to help.
Over time you may be able to forgive. To err is human, to forgive is divine.
-Gracie
Posted by Alii on January 1, 2003, at 19:27:02
In reply to Feel your pain, Alii, posted by Gracie2 on January 1, 2003, at 17:44:11
that. But that does sound awfully familiar to when I was hospitalized seventeen years ago with a big todo with an ambulance and two black and whites and lots of nosy neighbours.
So I do hear that you feel my pain.
Forgivness has already been given. I'm peeved but I'll get over it by the time I talk this whole thing out with therapist and group tomorrow night and her individually next week as well as my pdoc next week.
Safety net in place. Thanks for listening and what a freakin nightmare you went through. Glad you are here now. Thanks.
~Alii
Posted by Gracie2 on January 2, 2003, at 19:01:56
In reply to Damn...my night was a walk in the park compared to » Gracie2, posted by Alii on January 1, 2003, at 19:27:02
Posted by Alii on January 2, 2003, at 23:13:26
In reply to Maybe we should start a club or something(snicker) (nm), posted by Gracie2 on January 2, 2003, at 19:01:56
Joy Nutz Club?
Strong, female and lunatic to boot?
;)
Nice to see your touch of humour. I'm glad you are able to laugh at the past. I'm already amused by my nye and now will begin to pester my friend every time I speak to them whether or not they're calling the fuzz on me. I'll rib em good!!! Much deserved even tho they acted in kindness and came from a good space.
I hope this year has brought you calmer days than last. = )
Be as well as you can be Gracie....and I'll do the same.
~Alii
Posted by Willow on January 3, 2003, at 15:27:03
In reply to Feel your pain, Alii, posted by Gracie2 on January 1, 2003, at 17:44:11
Hum bug, because it's the season. I was starting off rambling about my own experiences, but figured I should just get to the point. The reason I've enjoyed and found my friends from this board to be supportive is because I can talk about the ugly dust bunnies that hide in the recesses of my troubled mind. (Worse is knowing someone else shares the same corner.) But imagine how those that don't know feel. Some go by rote, doing as the manual states. Others imagine worse case scenarios. I've seen the empathy and pain on the faces of those that don't know. I am guarded about how much I share with my health care providers and most definetly with family and friends. What's my point? I can't wait for the holidays to be over so I can have some peace here on earth!!
Whispering Willow
Posted by Miller on January 3, 2003, at 18:13:55
In reply to Everybody who had the police show up tonight for , posted by Alii on January 1, 2003, at 2:29:42
I really thought that December 8 was a personal hell when the suicide crisis line called the police on me. I see now it is a hazard (another) of our disease. Gracie, you are awesome to have survived that awful experience. I was VERY lucky that the police let my husband bring me in. And equally lucky that the psychiatrist I had to see agreed with me that the police "bribed" me to get me there.
I do have to say that some good came out of it all. At least my hisband now knows how serious it is. He is no more empathetic, but now he knows. Trying to explain to someone that has no concept of such desperate feelings isn't easy. I guess that was his night for show and tell.
Anyway Alii and Gracie, if a club will be formed, count me in. Dues and all, I'm in.
-Miller
Posted by Gracie2 on January 4, 2003, at 15:15:45
In reply to Re: Everybody who had the police show up tonight for , posted by Miller on January 3, 2003, at 18:13:55
This is the end of the thread.
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