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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on December 14, 2001, at 1:41:43
I haven't seen any posts from you today, and I was wondering if things were any better. Did you come to an understanding with your pdoc or at least discover why she jumps to such extreme conclusions?
Actually I am having a nice bout of insomnia tonight and I hope you are having a good night's sleep. If you feel up to it tomorrow, please update us. You've been in my thoughts.
Take care,
Dinah
Posted by akc on December 14, 2001, at 7:52:32
In reply to akc - How are you doing?, posted by Dinah on December 14, 2001, at 1:41:43
Dinah,
Thank you for asking -- it means alot.
I am still really struggling. And no -- my pdoc and I are still battling. She wants me to seek a consult with another doctor she works with -- I will go ahead and do so if he can work me in. Though I feel a bit paranoid that they were conspiring to get me in the hospital. His way of seeing me "quickly" was to admit me. However, he did make at least one suggestion about my meds (that I remember) that I was comfortable about, so seeing him might not be all bad. I just worry that she has "spoiled the pot" so to say.
My pdoc who left town for a few days and won't be back until I leave town for a week did make a med change -- though I haven't taken it yet. She added in the depakote (with a decrease in the lithium). My therapist (who is also an RN) without using these words pretty much said it was asinine to make a med change under those circumstances. So I don't know when, or if, I'll make the change.
Down the road, when I get through this and stable again, my therapist is going to direct me to one of the doctors she sends her clients to. I am going to go to someone with whom I will have a clean slate -- who I can give my complete history, but it won't be weighted down with all that medical jargon that contains preconceived notions. I just need that.
My therapist is with me staying out of the hospital for now. Even though I am engaging in some harmful behavior, I am not in horrible danger. And as long as I can work, even if inefficiently, she believes I need to continue to get up and maintain some routine -- that it is a victory in itself to do so. I know that I will feel even worse if I let my clients and firm down.
Some have posted that I should change careers, etc. But this is my career. I may change focus, but in my heart I know that I have what it takes to be a good lawyer and that it is a good fit for me. And whatever type of law I practice, I will always have clients -- so it is just very important to me that I continue to function, even if it is less than 100%. I whine about my inability to do so right now (about making all these mistakes), but I don't want to give in to the depression and hospitalize myself until I am in danger of serious injury or losing my life. That is not here yet.
I haven't been posting as much because how many ways can you say I'm lonely, I am depressed, I am anxious, I hate my life right now. I really do feel like a broken record. I haven't had a bad depression last this long in a while either. Usually by now something will have broken it. I wonder if I am not doing something to perpetuate it -- by continuing to drink and cut, I may be causing it to continue. And the stressors in this situation do remain (my mom's illness, the extreme busyness at work). Usually if there is a trigger, it is short-lived.
Well, once again I have written an epistle -- thanks for letting me share. I know you have been dealing with your own issues and I am sorry I have not been better at responding. I'm just trapped in my own little world. I hope you understand.
Thanks,
akc
Posted by Dinah on December 14, 2001, at 8:50:54
In reply to Re: akc - How are you doing? » Dinah, posted by akc on December 14, 2001, at 7:52:32
akc,
Good for you!!! It is important to feel we are in control of our fates. If you can feel safe outside the hospital, you have every right to fight to stay out. My last blowup with my previous pdoc was over him threatening me with the hospital over my very minor cutting. I've blocked out most of the experience, but his last mocking words are sketched in my memory "Oh, I've upset you now. What are you going to do - go and cut yourself?" Those ugly words are the last ones I ever heard from him because I summoned up my self respect and quit.
You're right about finding a brand new doctor and not transferring your records. I transferred my records to my next pdoc and in our first session he suggested that my social troubles in middle school might have been caused by mild schizophrenic tendencies the other kids picked up and he suggested an antipsychotic. I was terrified and upset and managed to pick a fight with him and quit. Then it occurred to me that he had probably been influenced by the horrible pdoc's records.
I didn't have my records transferred to my third pdoc. After I had seen him for a year, I summoned up the courage to tell him what the second pdoc said. Without actually insulting a fellow doctor, he managed to convey his opinion that such a conclusion was ridiculous. He totally (well almost) banished my fears.
I don't mean to bore you with my story. I just want to let you know that, based on my experience, you are making a very wise choice.
If you feel you must engage in harmful activities, at least try to stay safe. That will validate your therapist's support of you. And everyone who cares about you wants to see you stay safe.
Dinah
Posted by akc on December 14, 2001, at 9:54:30
In reply to Re: akc - How are you doing? » akc, posted by Dinah on December 14, 2001, at 8:50:54
Dinah,
Again, thanks.
akc
Posted by susan C on December 14, 2001, at 13:32:59
In reply to Re: akc - How are you doing? » Dinah, posted by akc on December 14, 2001, at 9:54:30
Thank you for checking in akc (I have an article to reference you to, a work question, not knowing if it matters or not, just being nosey and probably inappropriate...but I read it and thought of you...next time on chat, i have it on my desk)
and thank you for asking, Dinah.
a mouse who wears a knit hat to keep her ears warm
sc
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