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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 3 to 27 of 27. Go back in thread:
Posted by antigua3 on May 13, 2009, at 11:39:39
In reply to I don't want to go tonight, posted by TherapyGirl on May 13, 2009, at 7:48:26
When I really don't want to go, that's when I make myself go. I know you're facing a really tough time now with your T, but you have to keep working on it to get what you need.
I often just start by saying, "I really don't want to be here today," and that usually leads to a very productive session.
so please go!
antigua
Posted by Daisym on May 13, 2009, at 11:51:05
In reply to Re: I don't want to go tonight, posted by antigua3 on May 13, 2009, at 11:39:39
I'm wondering if you could write her a letter saying all the things in your heart. Try putting your fears, your hopes and your anger down on paper. Then go and read it to her.
The writing, in and of itself, is theraputic. And it would allow you to choose words to convey the depth of your feelings. She may not still be able to take it all in, nor can she change what is happening. But you will have said what you need to say and she will have it to reread over and over - when you are sitting there. I think they can sometimes "get" what we are trying to say later, when they aren't split between their own feelings and monitoring ours.
All that said, I don't want to go today either. So maybe we should just meet at the beach and sit quietly watching the waves.
Posted by antigua3 on May 13, 2009, at 12:04:26
In reply to Re: I don't want to go tonight » antigua3, posted by Daisym on May 13, 2009, at 11:51:05
Can I come to the beach? I have no therapy for two weeks and it's killing me.
I'd be very quiet, unless you guys wanted to talk. And I could use a tan.
antigua
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 13, 2009, at 12:24:35
In reply to Re: I don't want to go tonight » Daisym, posted by antigua3 on May 13, 2009, at 12:04:26
Thanks, Daisy & Antigua. I really appreciate the support and the suggestions. I did call and leave her a message that I didn't want to come and that I can't have it keep going so badly, but I don't know how to get us back on track and I really need her help with that. She will probably say this is another thing she can't do for me, but I'm out of ideas. I have written some, but not in several weeks because it's frustrating to me to have her not respond to it. But I should probably keep trying.
The beach sounds really, really, really good.
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 13, 2009, at 12:25:39
In reply to Re: I don't want to go tonight » TherapyGirl, posted by twilight on May 13, 2009, at 8:11:46
Thanks, Twilight. You are right that I have to figure out whether to work through it or cut my losses. I'm going to end up cutting my losses anyway (T is retiring at the end of the year and moving across the state), but maybe I need to do it sooner rather than later.
Thanks so much for the support. I really appreciate it.
Posted by mollieQ on May 13, 2009, at 14:16:37
In reply to I don't want to go tonight, posted by TherapyGirl on May 13, 2009, at 7:48:26
TG,
I have been thinking about you. I've been reading recently about the grieving process, how it is the mind's way of preparing us for acute loss and laying the groundwork for our eventual recovery. And if we don't grieve, we risk a lack of resolution where our grief stays with us indefinitely. That would be an awful thing, even worse than what you are going through now.
In grieving the loss of your T, there needs to be room for all of your feelings - protest, anger, intense sadness, wanting to go away. If you don't feel like going to your session, maybe do as Daisy suggests and take a night off. Grieving doesn't have to be 24/7 and there's nothing wrong with needing to protect ourselves from the feelings sometimes. But hang in there. You will get to the other side, and there will have been a purpose to all of these crazy, painful and contradictory feelings. You may still miss her, but you will be able to move forward with your life. That is a very big accomplishment.
((((((((((TG))))))))))))
Mollie
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 13, 2009, at 14:56:28
In reply to Re: I don't want to go tonight » TherapyGirl, posted by mollieQ on May 13, 2009, at 14:16:37
Thanks, Mollie. I'm trying to hold on, but it is so hard. Horribly painful when the connection is there full force and terribly lonely when I'm disconnected. I hate this more than anything.
You are so wise and supportive, though. I'm going to try to believe your words. (Not that you would lie, but just that it's hard for me to take in.)
Thank you.
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 13, 2009, at 18:51:32
In reply to I don't want to go tonight, posted by TherapyGirl on May 13, 2009, at 7:48:26
So I went and we started off exactly where we ended up last week - with me fuming in silence. She tried, I guess, but she's so off base. Sometimes I want to ask her if she's met me. She actually said tonight (at the beginning) that I needed to forgive her and get to a place where I wished her well, blah, blah, blah. I asked her if she was going to wish me well on my journey out of this world and then said Hell would freeze over first. She hedged on that -- said if I made that decision she'd be sad and grieve for me, but that she would know I was in so much pain that I couldn't see another way out.
It kept going downhill for quite a while. I said to her, again, "I need you to do something different." She said, "WHAT? What do you want me to do?" I told her I didn't know. Then she started saying that she had tried everything she knew to do and she was out of ideas, etc. I looked at her and said, "Then stop acting like you're irritated with me for not doing this better."
She looked at me in shock and said, "Ahh." while I cried. Then she said that she wasn't irritated with me, that I was projecting, that it was perfectly fine to come in and be wherever I was with this." I said in barely a whisper, "It's not." She said, "I want you to hear me. I am NOT irritated with you. I'm frustrated and I'm worried about you because nothing I've come up with yet has helped. But I am not irritated with you. I was trying to be firm." I told her that wasn't working. She said, "I can see that." I just cried. She asked me if I wanted her to hold me and I nodded my head. That's the first time she's ever offered -- it's been a huge deal at different times over the years that I have to ask. So for the rest of the session, she held me in her arms and I cried.
I'm not sure it helped, but at least I feel connected to her again. She asked me if I needed more of that kind of stuff and I told her I wasn't sure. Maybe.
She invited me to bring my new dog next week. I pick her up Friday night.
Posted by Daisym on May 13, 2009, at 20:03:55
In reply to Re: How it went, posted by TherapyGirl on May 13, 2009, at 18:51:32
I'm jealous. I think holding can convey so much that words can not. I think this might be exactly what you need.
And I had another thought as I read about your session. It might help you to know how she will miss you and what the best parts of therapy have been for her. What have you taught her? What has she taught you? Sharing memories is often a great way to say good-bye and to find the humor in the past that wasn't so funny at the time. Bitter-sweet but better than anger. And the connection is real and shared and not just one way. It is more "we'll get through this together" instead of "you'll get through this." If that makes sense.
Still - I'm glad you went.
We'll hit the beach together next time. :)
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 13, 2009, at 20:06:09
In reply to Re: How it went » TherapyGirl, posted by Daisym on May 13, 2009, at 20:03:55
How'd YOUR session go? You went to the beach instead?
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 13, 2009, at 20:06:58
In reply to Re: How it went » TherapyGirl, posted by Daisym on May 13, 2009, at 20:03:55
I love your idea. Not sure I can quite pull it off yet, but I do love it. Especially if she participates. It has felt all pretty one sided.
Posted by mollieQ on May 13, 2009, at 22:19:25
In reply to Re: And » Daisym, posted by TherapyGirl on May 13, 2009, at 20:06:58
I love Daisy's idea too. And it seems unlikely that she won't participate since she has indicated she desperately wants to find something that will help you. And it could help her too. It must be hard for her, she must feel a lot of guilt at causing you so much pain to pursue her own life. So you both need resolution.
Like Daisy, I too feel jealous. There are times when physical touch really does healing things that non-physical ways cannot. It is great that she is so willing, so open to finding things that will work for you even if they are outside the usual frame. It is not an option in my therapy.
This seems to me like an important session, that important communication has been shared. You recreate it so clearly. I'm glad that you went. You will work through this, TG, I know you will.
M.
Posted by Dinah on May 14, 2009, at 9:17:18
In reply to Re: How it went, posted by TherapyGirl on May 13, 2009, at 18:51:32
Maybe she's starting to understand what you need for her. And that, as someone said (Mollie I think?), the two of you need to be facing this together.
I like Daisy's idea too.
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 14, 2009, at 12:19:14
In reply to Re: How it went » TherapyGirl, posted by Dinah on May 14, 2009, at 9:17:18
Yeah, maybe. It has felt like we are in two different cities lately and that's pretty unusual. Most of the time, I think she gets me better than anyone else.
One of the (distressing) things she said to me last night was that she wanted me to show her the empathy she knows I'm capable of because of how kind and supportive I was when her husband was dying. Somehow she doesn't get that this is totally different. First and most important, because she wasn't really CHOOSING to abandon me when he was dying. And second because she was coming back. I'll probably have to point that out to her sometime soon.
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 14, 2009, at 12:21:24
In reply to Re: And, posted by mollieQ on May 13, 2009, at 22:19:25
Thanks, Mollie. It does feel like maybe we are getting back on track. I'll just have to see. But I think she was missing something vital and it made all of our interactions harder. Not that I wasn't missing it, too. I was completely unable to put my finger on exactly what the problem was until that moment. I still don't think that's all of it, but I think it's an important piece -- that on top of everything else, I'm afraid I'm going to disappoint her horribly.
Thank you so much for your words. They are very helpful for me to read over and over.
Posted by antigua3 on May 14, 2009, at 19:58:39
In reply to Re: How it went » Dinah, posted by TherapyGirl on May 14, 2009, at 12:19:14
A red flag went up when I read this.
She wants you to show her empathy??? In the kindest way possible I'd like to point out that this isn't supposed to be about her, but about you!
TG, it sounds like she's floundering a bit with her own feelings and I'm sorry they are spilling over on to you. It seems like it's hard to know which feelings rightfully belong to you and which are her own issues. If it's her, and you want to find the resolution you so desperately seek, maybe you're going to have to come middle ground here. You don't have a lot of time and you need to figure out what it is that YOU need and balance that against what she is willing to give.
I am so sorry you have to go through this. But keep working, and get those names of Ts who might be available to help you in the future, as hard as that may be.
Figure out what you can hold onto, what can make you safe.
Please take care and know that I'm thinking of you.
antigua
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 14, 2009, at 20:13:12
In reply to Re: How it went » TherapyGirl, posted by antigua3 on May 14, 2009, at 19:58:39
Thanks, Antigua. You're right. My red flags went up, too. I think she is struggling with everything more than she'll admit. I do think it brought her up short when I said I thought she was irritated with me. She was much gentler after that.
She really is usually much more on the ball than she's been since she came back last fall. I think with the empathy thing, she was trying to show me how I could move past the anger, hurt and sadness. But it just backfired. I am nowhere near that point.
Sometimes I think we both need a therapist in the room with us. But I do feel connected to her again and right now, that's enough for however long it lasts.
Posted by antigua3 on May 15, 2009, at 8:30:45
In reply to Re: How it went » antigua3, posted by TherapyGirl on May 14, 2009, at 20:13:12
I'm glad you feel connected again. Ruptures are just plain old awful!
take care,
antigua
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 15, 2009, at 12:33:49
In reply to Re: How it went » TherapyGirl, posted by antigua3 on May 15, 2009, at 8:30:45
Thanks, Antigua. I know you understand.
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 15, 2009, at 12:34:26
In reply to Re: How it went, posted by TherapyGirl on May 13, 2009, at 18:51:32
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 15, 2009, at 20:46:37
In reply to Bayleigh (aka Sunkist) the Dog comes home tonight! (nm), posted by TherapyGirl on May 15, 2009, at 12:34:26
Bayleigh is doing great. This might be the best thing I've ever done. She is so cute and sweet and SMART! I know we're on our honeymoon, but I am so happy she's home!
Posted by mollieQ on May 16, 2009, at 0:07:24
In reply to Re: Bayleigh (aka Sunkist) the Dog comes home tonight!, posted by TherapyGirl on May 15, 2009, at 20:46:37
> Bayleigh is doing great. This might be the best thing I've ever done. She is so cute and sweet and SMART! I know we're on our honeymoon, but I am so happy she's home!
Hope your honeymoon lasts for years. Dogs are the greatest!
I'm sure it will be a wonderful weekend :-)
Mollie
Posted by raisinb on May 16, 2009, at 23:43:18
In reply to Re: Bayleigh (aka Sunkist) the Dog comes home tonight!, posted by TherapyGirl on May 15, 2009, at 20:46:37
Congratulations!!! ;)
Posted by Dinah on May 17, 2009, at 8:17:16
In reply to Re: Bayleigh (aka Sunkist) the Dog comes home tonight!, posted by TherapyGirl on May 15, 2009, at 20:46:37
:)
Sometimes honeymoons do last.
I fall more in love with my latest girl every day.
Posted by TherapyGirl on May 17, 2009, at 8:40:06
In reply to Re: Bayleigh (aka Sunkist) the Dog comes home tonight!, posted by TherapyGirl on May 15, 2009, at 20:46:37
She really is the best dog ever. Her tail never stops wagging and she smiles just like the picture on the adoption page with her pups. She might just be the happiest dog on the planet. It's sort of ironic that she came to live with me.
Really, this is the best antidepressant. She's loving, amusing, amazing and CUTE!!!!!!!!!!!! When she rolls over on her back for me to rub her belly, she takes my hand in her two front paws. It is the sweetest thing you can imagine.
Thanks to all of you for helping me think this through and encouraging me to go for it.
This is the end of the thread.
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