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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Suedehead on January 26, 2009, at 19:25:08
Have you ever canceled a session with your T for some reason unrelated to finances, illness, family/work/school obligations, etc.? Specifically, I guess that I'm wondering about times you've canceled out of anger, or to 'prove a point' of some kind. What were you hoping to accomplish, and how did things in fact play out with your T subsequently?
I'm thinking of canceling my Thursday session--just sending him an email sometime on Wednesday saying, "I won't be able to make it tomorrow. See you Monday." I was so mad at him after our session this morning that for most of the day, I was positively resolved to do this, but now, of course, I'm faltering. It does seem rude, and it's probably not totally warranted. Basically, I told him something that made me feel really vulnerable, and he didn't respond as I would have liked him to. He acknowledged that it was a difficult thing for me to say, and he validated my feelings, but I needed something more from him, something personal, I guess. My sense is that canceling our next session would show him how hurt I am--but since I could accomplish this just as well (or better) by telling him directly, I suspect that part of my urge to cancel springs from a desire to 'get back' at him through refusing to cooperate.
So, yeah, just wondering about others' experiences with this kind of thing, basically. I always feel a little guilty when I post here, since I tend to disappear for weeks and weeks at a time, offering no real support to others, only to reappear when something weird/troubling happens in my therapy. The truth is that I read this forum every day and am always rooting for everyone here, even though I'm not vocal about it.
Oh, and to add to the horribleness of today's session, I dropped a book as I was leaving, and it made me feel really inordinately embarrassed. I mean, dropping something shouldn't be a big deal, and normally I wouldn't think much of it, but today, it just killed me.
Posted by raisinb on January 26, 2009, at 20:14:22
In reply to Canceling, posted by Suedehead on January 26, 2009, at 19:25:08
Oh yeah, I used to do that often. I was permanently pissed for about two years, and usually, if yelling, withdrawing, and sniping at her didn't work, I'd cancel as sort of last-ditch communication attempt. Once I even said to her, "I feel like I have to quit to get you to listen to me."
Once I didn't cancel and just didn't show. She called me several times and said she "freaked out," and was much more worried than I thought she'd be. I felt guilty then and haven't done that since.
She always brings up any cancellation and the reasons behind it.
Posted by sharon7 on January 26, 2009, at 21:27:38
In reply to Canceling, posted by Suedehead on January 26, 2009, at 19:25:08
hey. i do the canceling my appts thing with my t when she upsets me. honestly, she's so busy my spot probably gets filled quickly and i'm thinking she probably doesn't even notice im not there until maybe a couple weeks, but im just guessing. she works in an office with 2 other dr's so they have a front office staff. i don't even know if she is aware that i canceled my appts, unless she asked to be kept informed. kind of funny im discuss this now, because i just got done doing this. i had a bad session last thursday and i called that same evening left a message that i was canceling my next 2 appts, so now i am not going to see her for like 3 weeks. sometimes she'll call me, but not usually. well, i didn't mean to go into all that detail. guess i just wanted to say i don't think it matters much to our t's if we choose to cancel our appts. they can't make us come and its entirely voluntary. i think it would be far better for us to confront what upset us in person with our t's, but im not that evolved yet. take care. Sharon
Posted by Dinah on January 26, 2009, at 21:57:49
In reply to Canceling, posted by Suedehead on January 26, 2009, at 19:25:08
I'm not sure I ever went through with it. But I quit a number of times. If I even tried, I probably went crawling back to whimper for an appointment. Which isn't really so much of a forceful statement, and I've pretty much quit doing it.
I have also on occasion started to walk out during a session. But even then, I pause at the door and let him talk me back down.
I don't think that's my forte really. But I do think I sometimes have to do something extreme to get his attention. Well, truthfully now he lets me do it in words and doesn't make me do it in actions.
Posted by wittgensteinz on January 27, 2009, at 3:26:55
In reply to Re: Canceling » Suedehead, posted by Dinah on January 26, 2009, at 21:57:49
Suedehead,
Yes, I think once I did something like this and he phoned and arranged I see him later the same day. Actually come to think of it, perhaps twice - although the second time was not something of anger but rather I felt too depressed and anxious to leave the house and again I did see him that day or the next.
From my experience this kind of thing doesn't help - if anything it makes it worse. It will probably cause you more harm and pain that it will your T. Your T might worry and maybe it will have the effect you want it to but the likelihood is that it will cause more harm than good and then another session is taken up in piecing things back together again. The best thing is to go and tell him how he made you feel - tell him you didn't want to come, your desire was to act out in this way. Surely this will have the same effect yet without the same disruption.
I also once walked out of a session. I felt rotten and I'd said several times "I just don't feel the point of being here - it's not going anywhere today". I got up and walked to the door and then just kept walking. I surprised myself. The next time I came as usual and I don't think we ever really talked about it. Grrr yesterday's session was like that but I didn't leave half way through! I did tell him I wished I was one of the birds outside and he said "because you want to fly away". I should say that in the 150 times I have seen him (have lost count) I've only ever done something like this on 3 occasions and each time I'm sure it hurt me more and had little impact on him. We have one T, they have many patients.
Why not phone or e-mail him? Sorry things are feeling this bad right now.
Witti
Posted by sassyfrancesca on January 27, 2009, at 7:32:57
In reply to Canceling, posted by Suedehead on January 26, 2009, at 19:25:08
((Suedehead)): No, I haven't canceled, but have felt like it cause I was so angry.
I went in and told (and wrote) about my anger, etc......if you cancel, (unless you tell him why); he will have no clue.
Wouldn't it be better to tell him the truth? At least you won't suffer and can perhaps work it out with him.
Hugs, sassy
P.S. In other words, don't punish YOURSELF for something he did to get you upset.
Posted by MusicLuv on January 27, 2009, at 17:52:19
In reply to Canceling, posted by Suedehead on January 26, 2009, at 19:25:08
I have done this a couple of times. My T likes to call me back and say "I really don't think that's in your best interest." All that does is make me more mad, so I usually still avoid going in. .
I guess I'm the kind of person who gets over things quickly if I have a chance to cool off on my own. If I'm mad at her, the last thing I want to do is talk to her before I can calm down. Maybe it would be better for therapy, but that's harder for me than just staying away at this point.
At some point, I really would like to be able to go in and just tell her how angry she made me, but I can't do it yet. I definitely think if you're strong enough to deal with it face to face, that would be the best option.
~ MusicLuv
Posted by Suedehead on January 27, 2009, at 19:17:44
In reply to Re: Canceling » Suedehead, posted by MusicLuv on January 27, 2009, at 17:52:19
Thanks for all the responses. The consensus seems to be that it's better to be direct, so I think that's what I'm going to try to do--though I can almost guarantee that I won't have the nerve once I'm actually sitting across from him. It's still so tempting to cancel, mostly just to see how he'd respond--to see if he's the type of therapist who'd be concerned and call, or if he's the type who'd think nothing of it. I hadn't really initially construed canceling in these terms--as a 'test'. I mean, I'd thought of it as a way to prove a point, or as a way to 'misbehave'--but not explicitly as an experiment in learning about his methods as a therapist. From this perspective, admittedly, it seems sort of useful, though it's probably the case that the harms still outweigh the benefits.
Posted by sharon7 on January 27, 2009, at 20:01:58
In reply to Re: Canceling, posted by Suedehead on January 27, 2009, at 19:17:44
Hi again. Yeah, I've probably canceled before for all those reasons you mentioned (to experiment, misbehave, etc.) lol. But it's really just playing games and they are so on to that (I think.) I'm sure mine is (because she's god, you know..) LOL! Just kidding. Anywayt, I'm sure it hurts us WAY more than it hurts them. I am really regretting canceling my next 2 appts because now I really miss her and want to see her. I'd be interested in knowing what you decide to do and how the conversation goes if you succeed in the direct approach. Maybe you could give me some pointers! I need to stop circling the runway and bring this baby down! (o:
Posted by antigua3 on January 28, 2009, at 11:45:29
In reply to Re: Canceling, posted by Suedehead on January 27, 2009, at 19:17:44
I'd like to add to what you said--I think it's also a matter of trust, in testing our Ts about whether they can handle our anger. I've done this many times and at the heart of it for me is trust.
just my thoughts,
antigua
Posted by Suedehead on January 28, 2009, at 18:25:58
In reply to Re: Canceling, posted by sharon7 on January 27, 2009, at 20:01:58
Hi Sharon, I'm sorry that you're regretting canceling your sessions--I hope that you're able to call and try to reschedule. I can relate to a lot of what you say in your posts in the thread you started just under this one. Hopefully you can see her soon and tell her how you've been feeling. As for me, I still haven't canceled, so it looks like I'll be seeing him tomorrow morning. I'll let you know how it goes--though I'm pretty much the last person who should be giving pointers where therapy is concerned!
Posted by Looney Tunes on January 29, 2009, at 23:05:02
In reply to Re: Canceling » sharon7, posted by Suedehead on January 28, 2009, at 18:25:58
Just remember to know their cancellation policy or you will be paying!!! - LOL
For example, mine has a 24 hour cancellation policy. I call at exactly 23:59 and cancel, noting that this is the 24 hour notice.
Sometimes they charge and sometimes they don't, but if you quit alot without appropriate notice, it can add up!
Posted by Suedehead on January 30, 2009, at 7:24:24
In reply to Re: Canceling, posted by Looney Tunes on January 29, 2009, at 23:05:02
That's a good point. I've never thought to ask him his policy. I'll add that to the docket, I guess!
Our session yesterday was a mess. I can't say much more now, though--have to go teach.
This is the end of the thread.
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