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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by JayJ on September 19, 2008, at 16:38:47
Speaking of fantasies (which I was in a previous post), what do people tell their DH about their therapy. I know that for better or worse this doesn't apply to everyone here, but for those that have a DH who is reasonable (at least some of the time) and who asks about what goes on, what do you say? I would die if he could see some of my thoughts, and even if not that, the real conversations with T seem so personal and intimate that I can't discuss them easily (sometimes even with T), let alone DH. I try to stick with dry psychological descriptive stuff mostly, but feel I am trying to hide stuff from him, kind of throw him off my trail. It's feeling more difficult for me as the weeks go by - "dog ate my homework again". I don't know what DH senses about all this. I feel kind of guilty, but not really. I feel a bit like I'm trying to hide an affair or something, or is that too Freudian? How do other people deal with this kind of thing, or is it just me that can't feel able to talk about this stuff, other than here. I'm a pretty closed up person, which I guess is a large part of why I'm with T in the first place.
JayJ
Posted by Partlycloudy on September 19, 2008, at 17:06:24
In reply to What do you tell your DH?, posted by JayJ on September 19, 2008, at 16:38:47
My DH always asks me after a therapy session if I've been cured yet. I've gone through being annoyed by this question, to trying to be amused by it, to ignoring it, and last week I told him that as long as we were married to each other, I would likely be in therapy.
The questions never go any further than that. Sometimes he'll look with suspicion at something that I'm reading, and I'll tell him that it's "homework for therapy" and that ends the discussion. I honestly think that he's a bit in awe of the work that I've done, but can only bring himself to make his jokes about it.
I do know that he and I have both benefited from my attending therapy. This past summer, for example, was really trying, while we had his grown daughter living with us - my T helped me get through some extremely difficult times.
All I know is that my DH does not begrudge the money we spend on my therapy - none of my treatment is covered by our inadequate insurance. I'm grateful for his silent endorsement.
Posted by rskontos on September 19, 2008, at 17:16:54
In reply to What do you tell your DH?, posted by JayJ on September 19, 2008, at 16:38:47
Zip. Nada. Noneyabeezwax. Not a thing.
Actually my T wanted to meet with my DH. The meeting was scheduled and I dissociated, lost time and during that episode I called and cancelled the session. I did not remember doing this when I regained my sense of self so hubby went and Dr. S said well your wife called and cancelled it. I had no recollection of doing so. I know before this zone out as I call them I was very upset. That is all I remember. And my T had someone else scheduled. and we have never rescheduled.
Of course my T said he was dumb not to have thought about me dissociating and doing this since I was really nervous about them meeting. So he said we won't meet until you are ready. And so that hasn't not happened. I am not sure I want it too.
My h doesn't ask what happens. I think he is relieved someone else deals with it all. truthfully.
Even now and then he will say are you well yet. I blow up usually. So he doesn't ask that much anymore.
Sometimes I will relate some of it too him but not often. Like maybe once or twice in the almost 10 months with this t.
Of course I was saying one day how I did not trust T yet. My DH asked me if I trusted him and I did not answer and he said well that is my answer I guess. So now I think he is afraid to ask too much.
rsk
Posted by JayJ on September 19, 2008, at 17:21:34
In reply to Re: What do you tell your DH?, posted by Partlycloudy on September 19, 2008, at 17:06:24
Oh yes, that's another whole subject - cost. I see many people here have been in therapy for years. Our insurance won't get me very far and given all the other bills, I can't see DH being really enthusiastic about years of therapy. I don't know if I could justify it to myself, but then again I can see it will be tough to pull out at any time soon. We haven't discussed time frames yet. Sigh.
JayJ
Posted by Wittgensteinz on September 19, 2008, at 17:34:38
In reply to What do you tell your DH?, posted by JayJ on September 19, 2008, at 16:38:47
I try to tell as little as possible. He does ask though and it leaves me feeling awkward. Honestly, therapy is something private between you and your therapist - even private from your spouse/partner. My therapist in fact discouraged me from sharing too much with my partner - perhaps because he knows how inquisitive he can be and doesn't want me to feel pressured. Perhaps an important point is that, if we know we have to 'report back' to our loved one, then it could in effect 'contaminate' the therapy - lead us to avoid topics that we might not feel comfortable sharing later, and that would all get too complicated!
I usually reply "oh, therapy was good"... or "well , it's not going that well, but it's ok".
Witti
Posted by JayMac on September 19, 2008, at 18:56:32
In reply to What do you tell your DH?, posted by JayJ on September 19, 2008, at 16:38:47
I started seeing my T during the end of my last relationship. I think he was jealous of the relationship my T and I were beginning to cultivate. He would ask what we talked about, I would give him 2 generic sentences. Also, he would tell me, "you should talk about x, y, and z." He was definitely jealous. He didn't think I had a problem, but he was in denial of my issues and especially of his own. I'm glad that relationship is over.
It's tough when someone you love asks about your relationship with your T. I wouldn't want them to think it's all a big secret, nor would I want them to think that they are entitled to all the info divulged in therapy. It's a balancing act. I think one or two sentences if fine. If your husband/boyfriend understands why you are seeing your T, that makes a huge difference.
Posted by Nadezda on September 19, 2008, at 18:56:32
In reply to Re: What do you tell your DH? » JayJ, posted by Wittgensteinz on September 19, 2008, at 17:34:38
I agree with others that your therapy is private-- I think of it as a zone of privacy that no one has the right to invade, even your spouse or best friend.
I would say, we discussed some issues I'm having-- but it's private, or but I'd like to work on it myself-- or anything. Or nothing-- you can give a vague description, or say you'd rather not talk about it, or just give an abstract outline. Sometimes the issues are things that are worth discussing-- but you don't have to say you've talked about them in therapy, then, either.
Sometimes, it may feel like a betrayal or secret "affair"-- other times, you might feel guilty about what you've said-- I have sometimes--and eventually, I hope comfortable with your own decisions. There are phases, I think-- or variations on how you feel.
But what you say should depend on what feels right and fair to yourself. Some people believe that it's important not to discuss it at all-- but for me, that's too formalistic. I don't go into much, for the most part, but occasionally I consult with my bf to see if he sees what my T is saying, or can explain something I don't quite get-- and other times, I 've used things from therapy that relate to us--
My bf, on the other hand, never talks about his therapy. I don't ask either-- or if I do, I never push beyond what level of detail he seems willing to open up. I feel as if it's his right to keep it to himself too. I would hope your H could understand and respect that..
Nadezda
Posted by lucie lu on September 19, 2008, at 19:20:09
In reply to What do you tell your DH?, posted by JayJ on September 19, 2008, at 16:38:47
Hi Jay,
My answer is like most of the others. Except that every once in a while we may have a discussion if there's something particular that I feel has really been a milestone. My T also suggested keeping the two relationships separate, as Witti said in her post.
Thank you for opening this thread. I'd like to ask a little more on the subject, but don't want to hijack your post so I'll open a separate thread.
Best, Lucie
Posted by Phillipa on September 20, 2008, at 0:40:38
In reply to Re: What do you tell your DH? » JayJ, posted by lucie lu on September 19, 2008, at 19:20:09
When I went sometimes my husband attended the sessions and took them over with his ranting and raving. So I suggest not taking them. Phillipa
Posted by Wittgensteinz on September 20, 2008, at 3:09:26
In reply to Re: What do you tell your DH?, posted by Phillipa on September 20, 2008, at 0:40:38
Phillipa,
I'm sorry you had a negative experience when your husband joined a session.
I actually would suggest the opposite - it can be very productive to allow your spouse to join a session, just make sure you prepare first with your T to avoid that possible outcome. It does take some trust to feel comfortable enough to allow it - trusting what your T will say and not say and how he/she will handle the presence of your spouse. It is a good way of reassuring your other half that the work is important and helps put their mind at rest.
It can give your T a good deal of insight into your home situation - the dynamic between you and your other half. Also, it has helped my partner support me better. He's joined me to a session on 3 occasions (out of the 130 or so sessions I've attended) - two of which were times when I was in a crisis and it helped that my partner could give a more lucid picture of how bad things were for me (I find it hard to articulate that, especially when I'm in the midst of it).
If you prepare enough with your T it can definitely be of help - just as long as your T handles it right.
Witti
Posted by Dinah on September 20, 2008, at 10:02:50
In reply to Re: What do you tell your DH? » Phillipa, posted by Wittgensteinz on September 20, 2008, at 3:09:26
It might depend on the spouse.
My first joint session with my husband was so traumatizing that I didn't do it again for years. My therapist still laughs about it. He says it was one of the most memorable moments in his career. I am always less amused. My poor husband has absolutely no idea how he sounds sometimes. He doesn't get those little therapeutic hints and digs himself deeper and deeper.
The second time was far more successful. It was for the very limited purpose of discussing the decision of whether to move. And my therapist was the most brilliant I've ever seen him. Some people say that they're upset when they see their therapist with their partner, and the therapist shows the same characteristics they do with them. With me, this time, I was taken aback at how absolutely different my therapist seemed. His greater understanding of my husband, and his knowledge of what my husband *could* say if not prevented, led him to say just the right things in just the right way.
I was left both wondering why my therapist wasn't so darn brilliant with me, and realizing that if he was, I'd be all over him for being manipulative and not real enough.
So I'd say it depends a whole lot. There are so many pitfalls. The therapist not only has to handle the situation well, but it also helps if the therapist understands exactly what situation he'll be handling. The therapist has to maintain a therapeutic stance to both people while never ever forgetting that it's his job to do what's best for his client. And the partner needs to be able to be honest without being so insensitive as to... Well, never mind that.
Posted by Dinah on September 20, 2008, at 10:17:31
In reply to What do you tell your DH?, posted by JayJ on September 19, 2008, at 16:38:47
I'm not a closed up person, so I may not be of any help. If anything I'm a too open rattler of private things.
My husband is not sophisticated about psychology, but he apparently already knew that therapy was private so he's never asked.
But I realized when I answered below that I do tell him plenty about therapy. I guess at some level I'm afraid that if I keep it really secret, he'll be more worried about it or think it must be awful. So I tell him lots of stuff. I just choose *which* stuff. If my therapist suggests something my husband would approve of, I share it. If my therapist says something I and my husband would think foolish, I probably share that too. I'm very open at sharing about my therapist's trips, personal characteristics, etc.
I would say I tend to the negative for my husband, but that's not precisely true. I probably share the specifics of the negative while being open about the positive but in perhaps a less specific way. I share with him some of what's going on, but I keep to myself those things that would scare my husband. He thinks I'm steps away from commitment as it is. Some of the things in my therapy would scare my husband, and to no good purpose. They really aren't terrible. He just wouldn't understand them.
Is it possible for you to be open about your therapy without really saying anything you don't want to say? Would sharing the less personal details diminish therapy for you or make you feel like your private space has been invaded?
You shouldn't share any more than you feel comfortable sharing. But the more casual you can make nonsharing seem, the less threatened he might feel. That's not a statement of principle on my part, just one of pragmatics.
On the other hand, speaking casually of therapy may indeed seem disrespectful of the work.
So I don't know. What works for my relationship may be all wrong for yours.
By the way, one way I get my husband to support therapy is to give him a taste of what I discuss with my therapist. Within ten minutes he's diving for a window and thanking my therapist for standing between him and my craziness (or tediousness, depending on the situation).
Posted by JayJ on September 20, 2008, at 14:45:55
In reply to Re: What do you tell your DH? » JayJ, posted by Dinah on September 20, 2008, at 10:17:31
This is such a wonderful place for hearing such a wide range of thoughts on these difficult subjects. Even though, as I've said before, it's always going to be different strokes for different folks, it's really helpful to me to hear the kinds of experiences people have had and how they have dealt with them. It helps me feel that I'm not missing on something obvious, and that I am able to see all the options. It is clear we do all have different relationships with our partners and our Ts and we each need to find our own road, but knowing some of the possible routes helps a lot.
When I was young, I always dreamed I would find a guy who would be my soul-mate, who could share everything with me and we would know everything about each other and grow together with a family etc etc. It makes me sad to think about that young me. I know I have difficutly opening up to anyone, mostly because of a tough childhood, and feel that over the years this has really cut off my dream. I don't think I can blame DH (at least not for everything), so again I guess this is why I am with my T. Now I've got a rent-a-soul-mate. It seems a shame in a way that this sort of really cuts my DH off even more. I wonder if you can ever go back, or will my T now always be my ideal for this and DH will never get a look in again. It seems so difficult, because somewhere in my head I know T is just a contract job while DH is there because he wants to be. Oh dear, now I'm crying. Sad.
JayJ
Posted by lucie lu on September 20, 2008, at 15:47:31
In reply to Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences, posted by JayJ on September 20, 2008, at 14:45:55
Jay,
You have eloquently expressed a dilemma that is all too familiar to me. I share your sadness, and I don't know what the answer is either. I hope things work out for us all. Maybe it will, sometimes healing takes forms we can't foresee.
Yours, Lucie
Posted by Dinah on September 20, 2008, at 16:03:02
In reply to Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences, posted by JayJ on September 20, 2008, at 14:45:55
FWIW, I don't really believe in soul mates. There are people you like and respect and admire and find attractive. They've got good qualities and bad qualities. Hopefully the good qualities are ones you admire, and the bad qualities are ones you can live with. They meet some of your needs, but some of your needs need to be met elsewhere.
Then you dig in and work hard and make a life together. At the end of fifty or sixty years of fighting, and laughing, and facing difficulties, and experiencing the joys of life with a good enough mate, you congratulate each other on a job well done. Not because of what you feel about each other, but because of what you've done together.
My guess is that your therapist would be at least as incompatible as your husband on a day to day basis. I adore my therapist, but two scatterbrained, impulsive, and spendthrift people wouldn't be able to build a life together very well - not even if he looked like Dr. Drew and I was madly attracted to him. My emotionally dense, frequently impatient and condescending, very funny and smart husband is someone that I can build a life with.
But then I find the strangest things romantic.
Posted by Dinah on September 21, 2008, at 8:39:47
In reply to Re: Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences » JayJ, posted by Dinah on September 20, 2008, at 16:03:02
Of course...
Despite my pragmatic/romantic philosophy, I really wish there was someone in my life who looked at me the way Grandpa looked at Grandma, or Luke looked at Laura.
I'd think it was TV/movie fiction, except that I saw it myself. Not that they didn't fight, or that things were perfect between them. But theirs was a true love story in some ways. It isn't because of her astounding beauty either. I look a lot like Grandma.
Posted by Phillipa on September 21, 2008, at 18:58:56
In reply to Re: Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences, posted by Dinah on September 21, 2008, at 8:39:47
Ummm someone is downing themself wonder who? Sounds like The Book Notebook the romatic story by Nicolas Sparks. Phillipa
Posted by caraher on September 22, 2008, at 11:16:35
In reply to Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences, posted by JayJ on September 20, 2008, at 14:45:55
> When I was young, I always dreamed I would find a guy who would be my soul-mate, who could share everything with me and we would know everything about each other and grow together with a family etc etc. It makes me sad to think about that young me.
I think a lot of us want something like that, but it isn't all that realistic. We've come to expect so much of spouses - lovers, best friends, "soul mates," partners in childraising, effective business partners in running a household... I don't think there's any shame in acknowledging that it's awfully hard to package all that into any one person!
Posted by onceupon on September 22, 2008, at 11:41:49
In reply to What do you tell your DH?, posted by JayJ on September 19, 2008, at 16:38:47
What's with spouses asking if we've been cured yet? Mine likes to ask if I've been fixed and it makes me see red. I really don't tell him anything about therapy - mostly because I talk a lot about him. But also because I've tried in the past and on one very memorable occasion he told me that what I was talking about was stupid. So I shut up for good. I don't think he really meant to be so negative, but my entire body tensed and I decided on the spot that there was a lot about my life he didn't need to know.
Posted by antigua3 on September 22, 2008, at 13:34:55
In reply to Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences, posted by JayJ on September 20, 2008, at 14:45:55
Your post really resonated with me. I used to worry, and maybe still do, that therapy is actually taking me away from my DH. As I get stronger, I'm less likely to take as much "stuff" from him as I did in the past. That said, however, my marriage is stronger today than when I started therapy. Although my T thinks my DH should be in therapy!, I am the designated "problem" in our marriage, which makes it tough for my DH to see any of his own influences on our problems. My T has helped me to deal with my DH, and to put up a fight where I think it's necessary or when it will do the best good. Otherwise, I've learned to deal w/my DH as he is, and not let him project things on to me (or see his actions as my own projections)that don't belong to me and that are his own problems.
My DH only "harumphs" when I mention therapy, or rolls his eyes, or complains about the money. He wants to have nothing to do with it--knows very little about my abusive childhood by his own choice. This makes it hard to explain things to him, but he can't handle what happened to me, except to revert to outrageous anger (my father's name is even forbidden to be mentioned in my house!). My pdoc says my husband holds my anger for me, which is fine for now.
Sorry to be long, but one other comment. When my T and pdoc have suggested my DH come in (or my DH wants to because there has been an "episode" of self-destructive behavior on my part), they have blown him away. He even had a list once of all the things that were wrong w/me, and my T ever so gently steered him toward his own behavior. My DH hates my pdoc, thinks he's money grubbing, mostly because he hated what my pdoc said to him!
Sorry to be so long. But, my marriage is stronger. Not perfect, and never will be, but it's very good considering everything. We have been together a very long time and still love each other very much. Love changes over time, of course, but the basic core of our love is still there. We've had plenty of difficult years, but we're still here.
That's just my experience.
antigua
Posted by lucie lu on September 22, 2008, at 14:27:22
In reply to Re: Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences, posted by caraher on September 22, 2008, at 11:16:35
Yes, the "good-enough" husband (or wife or marriage).
But what that means certainly differs a lot for different people.
Posted by antigua3 on September 22, 2008, at 18:37:00
In reply to Re: Thank you all so much for sharing your experiences » caraher, posted by lucie lu on September 22, 2008, at 14:27:22
I don't think of my marriage as "good enough." It's much better than that, but learning to make accommodations is still important in any marriage.
antigua
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