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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by 10derHeart on September 19, 2008, at 3:12:00
I miss my T. All the time. It's so unthinkable that I really did move away and we really can't do real therapy any more - ever. I still have trouble realizing this is "The Way It Is" and not just temporary. Couldn't it be a weird dream and I would wake up and he would *not* be 2000 miles away? When the realization hits me, over and over, I can hardly breathe. Grief when someone is still fully alive, and (in my case) you can communicate with them, is one strange and painful state to live in.
We will have a phone call in about 7 hours. It will go by so fast and it will be wonderful, but then, after....:-( I can't win. I can't imagine deciding not to have this contact. It's keeping me stable (and happy, mostly) and we do well by email and phone, yet....it is keeping a wound open. We both are well aware of that but this is how I want it and he is okay with whatever makes it easier for me.
It seems the hurt just goes on and on. It's been 4.5 months and it feels as fresh as the first day I left. I want to drive to his office, sit in his waiting room, see him open the door. I want that place MY place. I miss my warm handshakes *so much.* Someone else sits there every week. He says he still thinks, when he schedules that time, "Oh - I am scheduling someone in '10ders' time," or even better, he used to think just after I left, "*Why* am I scheduling someone in '10der's' time?" I love that. I love that he tells me these thoughts.
But it then hurts, hurts, hurts. I want to freak out and go back. I know, from what others have gone through here, it would have to be terrible - so much worse - if he didn't want to still have a relationship with me. If he wouldn't, couldn't. I don't want to think of it. But this is also so damn hard. To have a little, but to be so restricted..it's like the ultimate tease.
I didn't know we humans could produce this many tears. Could have maybe lived without this knowledge :-)
I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess....I need the people here. If we can hardly ever find folks IRL who understand these powerful and important relationships with Ts we are actually seeing for therapy - how can I ever find even one person - except here - who could understand this unique whatever-the-heck-it-is I am trying to do with my [technically] ex-T? Not likely. They will say, if they find out, "well it's better to move on..." blah, blah. They will never understand.
I don't like to call him that ex thing. I never do, actually. He will always be my T. He just will. I'm not sure what we're doing, but we're not done.
Thanks for reading my late night thoughts. I may have poster's regret big time tomorrow. Oh well.
Posted by seldomseen on September 19, 2008, at 6:06:26
In reply to I miss him so much, posted by 10derHeart on September 19, 2008, at 3:12:00
I'm so sorry 10der. I do so understand the bond with your therapist. I'm so sad you are 2000 miles away from each other.
Grief can last a long time, there is no timeline when all of a sudden it is over. This is such an important relationship, I'm sure the grief is profound. I know mine would be.
We'll be here while you go through this, and I'm glad you posted to let us know where you are in your process.
Take care of yourself. It's okay to be sad, you lost something very important. You've got a home here.
Seldom.
Posted by Annierose on September 19, 2008, at 7:56:08
In reply to Re: I miss him so much, posted by seldomseen on September 19, 2008, at 6:06:26
I hope you don't regret posting the truth of what your heart feels.
Years ago when I abruptly interrupted my therapy treatment, I did feel that ache in my heart, the open wound you speak of so beautifully. What helped me come to peace with my decision (very different from yours ... I didn't move away, I just quit therapy) was to speak about my loss to another therapist. The person I choose was completely different in so many ways. And for me, it was what I needed. I could never replace "her" or the relationship we had. I needed someone to dump, vent, cry and help me contain those feelings. And she let me over and over and over again until one day I didn't need to go anymore. I made peace with myself and my decision.
You moved to be closer to your daughter and granddaughter. That has wonderful rewards and I can see why you moved. But in the move you loss a special relationship. Are you able to talk about your loss with another therapist? He/She will never be "him" ... no one could ever be your t. Maybe you will find peace while you still continue your long distance therapy friendship so that ache will be gentle and not piercing.
Posted by Dinah on September 19, 2008, at 10:50:42
In reply to I miss him so much, posted by 10derHeart on September 19, 2008, at 3:12:00
I hope you don't regret it this morning. :)
Your relationship with your therapist is wonderful. And it sounds to me as if you're beginning to accept that he's doing this because he wants to, and he isn't likely to end his willingness.
Yet, not only did you move away from him physically, but the relationship changes I'm sure when a therapist is no longer in the standard therapist role. He's still your therapist, but it's not exactly the same. While he's really expressing his caring for you and commitment to you, and that's nice in its own way.
When my therapist went away for a while it wasn't as much a dilemma. I'd just start feeling a bit better, then I'd hear from him and the pain would intensify. Because he's so awful at emails, and not much better on the phone, the solution was far easier.
I'm not at all suggesting that you tell him not to contact you anymore, like I did. :)
But maybe distraction? Distract distract distract. Grieve also, of course. But when you need to get away from the grief distraction does work.
Posted by Nadezda on September 19, 2008, at 10:58:24
In reply to I miss him so much, posted by 10derHeart on September 19, 2008, at 3:12:00
Hi, 10der. Have you ever considered continuing therapy by using phone therapy instead of inperson therapy? I know it isn't as satisfying as in-person but maybe you can arrange to spend some time each year seeing him in person-- or not, if that would be too emotionally difficult.
My T sees a lot of people on the phone. Some are people who've moved away in the middle of therapy; others are people who can't get to his office for periods of time, or even days at a time.
I know at least one other T who does this, too, so it isn't unheard of.
I think that if your connection to your T is so strong, maybe you need to continue it until you feel that you're ready to end.
I'm in a DBT group, for example, and this summer a woman who lives in Hawaii came to the city to stay for summer, partly to be in the group. She mentioned that she did this every summer.
I get the feeling that in our peripatetic society, when people just don't have stable living places as they used to, more and more people are preserving important, permanent connections in these ways-- putting together the time and space for the connection to remain as strong, even without the ongoing physical presence of the person.
I don't think that you need to move on, just because you've moved-- if you think you still need your T.
Nadezda
Posted by Phillipa on September 19, 2008, at 13:12:10
In reply to Re: I miss him so much, posted by Nadezda on September 19, 2008, at 10:58:24
My pdoc said she'd do phone consultations as it's so far to drive a whole days worth. L0der posting is good for you. Love Phillipa
Posted by susan47 on September 19, 2008, at 13:31:15
In reply to I miss him so much, posted by 10derHeart on September 19, 2008, at 3:12:00
I understand only too well, and I wish you healing and an easy walk through your grief (oxymoron).
Posted by rskontos on September 19, 2008, at 17:05:34
In reply to I miss him so much, posted by 10derHeart on September 19, 2008, at 3:12:00
Oh 10der, I am so sorry for all your pain. It just sucks for you! I wish I could give you the power of bewitched so in a blick of eye or twitch of a nose you could be there in front of his door to have your time back! It is not right or fair. I know you moved to be closer with your family, and in a way, he is family too.
I don't know about what to do about the staying in contact. I would say that when you are ready you will know the time to let go. I don't think now is it. Let him help you let go when the letting go is easier. And heck, maybe you will never be able too.
I wish I could erase the pain.
(((((((((((((((10derheart)
The sad thing for me, is that you rarely post how you feel so I know you feel very badly. take care, sweetie, you deserve to be able to have your t.
rsk
Posted by TherapyGirl on September 19, 2008, at 19:33:56
In reply to I miss him so much, posted by 10derHeart on September 19, 2008, at 3:12:00
(((((((((((((10der)))))))))))))))
I'm so sorry that it hasn't gotten any better for you. I hope the other things in your "new" life are going better than this thing is. I am glad you're still in touch with him. Wish he was close enough for you to go see him every now and then.
I'm feeling a little of your pain myself right now, as my T is on leave. It's been 5 weeks so far and I have at least 2 more to go. No contact at all, which is even worse than it will be when she retires. So I really do get it and I feel bad for you.
Please let us at least commiserate with you, okay?
Posted by DAisym on September 19, 2008, at 21:45:03
In reply to I miss him so much, posted by 10derHeart on September 19, 2008, at 3:12:00
Tender,
Did writing any of this help? I hope so. Grief is such a powerful force and so painful. Missing someone is tough, but it is so much tougher when you feel like you can't talk about the missing part. Like you shouldn't actually be missing them this much...or even at all.
One thing I've really learned is that relationships that we have via internet or phone can be strong, deep and very real. Often these are the people who are current in our lives - sometimes more so than people we see every week. It doesn't replace those face-to-face meetings, but it can still provide access in a pretty great way. I like the idea of going back once in a while, but you'd have to schedule double sessions for a few days in a row! :)
I'm glad you are posting. I think it helps to get it out, even if there is no solution we can offer except to encourage you grieve as long and as hard as is necessary.
Posted by lucie lu on September 19, 2008, at 22:04:47
In reply to I miss him so much, posted by 10derHeart on September 19, 2008, at 3:12:00
Tender,
I wish I had something to offer you, some soothing words, some helpful insight, but better writers have already expressed whatever can be said. Just know that I feel your ache inside and feel so very sad for you. I lost someone who meant a lot to me, different circumstances but the pain was similar, I think, to how you feel. Have you ever read Ambiguous Loss by Pauline Boss? She is the only one I know of who's really addressed that aspect of unresolved loss. Perhaps it might comfort you. I wish I could do better. At least, you are right in that here, on this board, you will find people who understand and validate your loss of a profoundly important relationship. We will never tell you, "get over it." We know you will when you're ready and not before. It takes as much time as it takes. And please just post as many times as you need to. We will always be here waiting to hear from you.
Love, Lucie (((((((((((10der))))))))))))
NRN-
Posted by 10derHeart on September 19, 2008, at 22:44:33
In reply to I miss him so much, posted by 10derHeart on September 19, 2008, at 3:12:00
...you all are *so* totally awesome. (gosh that's an overused phrase, but I still used it!)
I don't know if I'll reply individually, and I do understand I don't *have* to (thanks, lucie :-)) ...but I think I want to. It just may take some time. You all had such similar, yet also such different and unique things to say - every single one of you helped me with these feelings and I do have things I want to say to each of you.
I feel relief from posting. I should have done it sooner. It just.....seems so private sometimes, these feelings and this unusual situation. But private is okay here, I think.
We had a fantastic phone call early this a.m. and I still feel like he poured a bottle of healing medicine through the phone. And he really didn't do or say a thing "special." I didn't ask him to speak in a certain tone, or to say certain things, I just talked to him and he talked to me and it was comforting....we have a special rapport that's hard to describe.
I will be back. Definitely.
Posted by 10derHeart on September 19, 2008, at 22:47:07
In reply to I don't reget it at all because, posted by 10derHeart on September 19, 2008, at 22:44:33
Posted by LittleGirlLost on September 19, 2008, at 23:38:58
In reply to I don't reget it at all because, posted by 10derHeart on September 19, 2008, at 22:44:33
10der,
I didn't get a chance to respond to your original post, but I'm glad to hear that you had such a fantastic phone call.
Despite the 2000 miles separating you, it sounds like you and he have a very special relationship. Though it may feel like keeping a wound open, how wonderful that you still have that phone contact with him. Do what you feel is best for you.
LGL
Posted by Dinah on September 20, 2008, at 10:35:25
In reply to I don't reget it at all because, posted by 10derHeart on September 19, 2008, at 22:44:33
Posted by muffled on September 20, 2008, at 15:50:32
In reply to :-) (nm) » 10derHeart, posted by Dinah on September 20, 2008, at 10:35:25
Posted by JoniS on September 20, 2008, at 22:33:34
In reply to I don't reget it at all because, posted by 10derHeart on September 19, 2008, at 22:44:33
10der
I'm so glad you posted and oh how sweet to hear how wonderful your phone call went. I'm sorry you have to deal with that grief - I have dealt with a lot of that myself - it hurts so bad. But I am so glad your T is helping you through this even 2000 miles away. I hope the good thoughts and memories sustain you well during the in-between times. I hope that when the time is right for you that you find another good T where you live now.
thanks for your sweet post
Joni
Posted by obsidian on September 21, 2008, at 9:08:55
In reply to I miss him so much, posted by 10derHeart on September 19, 2008, at 3:12:00
just wanted to say that I read your post and your pain really comes across
I wish you some measure of comfort through this very difficult time. I would miss that special place so very much too. Take good care of yourself.
-sid
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