Posted by 10derHeart on September 19, 2008, at 3:12:00
I miss my T. All the time. It's so unthinkable that I really did move away and we really can't do real therapy any more - ever. I still have trouble realizing this is "The Way It Is" and not just temporary. Couldn't it be a weird dream and I would wake up and he would *not* be 2000 miles away? When the realization hits me, over and over, I can hardly breathe. Grief when someone is still fully alive, and (in my case) you can communicate with them, is one strange and painful state to live in.
We will have a phone call in about 7 hours. It will go by so fast and it will be wonderful, but then, after....:-( I can't win. I can't imagine deciding not to have this contact. It's keeping me stable (and happy, mostly) and we do well by email and phone, yet....it is keeping a wound open. We both are well aware of that but this is how I want it and he is okay with whatever makes it easier for me.
It seems the hurt just goes on and on. It's been 4.5 months and it feels as fresh as the first day I left. I want to drive to his office, sit in his waiting room, see him open the door. I want that place MY place. I miss my warm handshakes *so much.* Someone else sits there every week. He says he still thinks, when he schedules that time, "Oh - I am scheduling someone in '10ders' time," or even better, he used to think just after I left, "*Why* am I scheduling someone in '10der's' time?" I love that. I love that he tells me these thoughts.
But it then hurts, hurts, hurts. I want to freak out and go back. I know, from what others have gone through here, it would have to be terrible - so much worse - if he didn't want to still have a relationship with me. If he wouldn't, couldn't. I don't want to think of it. But this is also so damn hard. To have a little, but to be so restricted..it's like the ultimate tease.
I didn't know we humans could produce this many tears. Could have maybe lived without this knowledge :-)
I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess....I need the people here. If we can hardly ever find folks IRL who understand these powerful and important relationships with Ts we are actually seeing for therapy - how can I ever find even one person - except here - who could understand this unique whatever-the-heck-it-is I am trying to do with my [technically] ex-T? Not likely. They will say, if they find out, "well it's better to move on..." blah, blah. They will never understand.
I don't like to call him that ex thing. I never do, actually. He will always be my T. He just will. I'm not sure what we're doing, but we're not done.
Thanks for reading my late night thoughts. I may have poster's regret big time tomorrow. Oh well.
poster:10derHeart
thread:852828
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20080906/msgs/852828.html