![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Tabitha on September 16, 2008, at 2:51:44
Hi,
I'm trying to do some work with how I relate to my uncomfortable feelings like sadness, fear, and loneliness. I never really know how to comfort myself when I have these feelings.I know how to distract myself but I'm becoming aware my inner child feels ignored when I do that. It's like I have a crying child and hand her an ice cream every time. Maybe that's not the best parenting because her feelings aren't really heard.
So whenever I feel these upset feelings I'm trying to pay attention to them in a welcoming, compassionate way. And I try talking to them (this feels really awkward). In sessions we do chair work where I talk to my little girl, but I usually have a hard time figuring out what to say that would be comforting.
Is there anybody who has learned to do this kind of stuff?
Posted by Daisym on September 16, 2008, at 10:26:46
In reply to Inner child stuff, posted by Tabitha on September 16, 2008, at 2:51:44
Tabitha,
I want to recommend two books. "Recovery of Your Inner Child" by Lucia Capacchione and "The Creative Journal for Parents"
Both of these books help you think about yourself both as a parent (even to yourself) and as a child. There are exercises for writing and drawing and playing. I think the drawing exercises are great - I write all the time so drawing was a real discovery for me.
I tell this to many, many parents - just because there is someone in front of you to comfort, doesn't mean you naturally know how to do it. If you weren't shown and mothered this way, it is often hard to figure out what to say or how to provide warmth and security. And if we think we don't really deserve it, if we believe we shouldn't need it (still) - then to give it to ourselves feels indulgent, weak or pathetic. But it isn't. Learning to comfort ourselves, with lots of different tools, including other people, is really important.
I'm glad you are working on this.
Posted by antigua3 on September 16, 2008, at 12:22:34
In reply to Inner child stuff, posted by Tabitha on September 16, 2008, at 2:51:44
It took me years to separate out that there was still a little girl inside of me who felt awful at times and had nowhere to turn. That was me as a little girl. I learned maladaptive coping techniques that I'm still trying to unravel.
What I do know now is that she is there and when I feel bad or awful, I try to look inside and see if it is coming from her. If it is (and it usually is), I talk to her, comfort her (hugging teddy bears is great) and just keep telling her that I am here now, as an adult, and I will always take care of her. She has to let me know, though, when things are bad. Before I just reacted w/o knowing where the feelings were coming from. Now I consciously connect w/her.
This may sound silly, but now I also tell her that if whatever she is dealing w/ is too hard for her to handle, to give it to me and I will hold it and solve the problem. There is so much I don't remember about my childhood, and I know she holds the key, and I just keep reassuring her in hopes that she will hand it over to me, so I can know and heal.
This goes against the integration of self, only because I'm unwilling to do that until I've dealt with all of this and she feels safe.
Sometimes she wants M&Ms, a real comfort when I was a kid, and so I give them to her.
What I'm trying to say is that just recognizing she is there, and isn't ready to integrate, means there's work to do. Sometimes I tell her to go play in the gardens I loved as a child, or read a book. But I always tell her that she's safe with me. I have her best interests at heart, but I also won't allow self-destructive behavior anymore.
sorry to go on, but this is really impt to me,
antigua
Posted by Phillipa on September 16, 2008, at 12:28:03
In reply to Re: Inner child stuff, posted by Daisym on September 16, 2008, at 10:26:46
I don't ask this sarcastically as your post is great but I have no idea what being mothered is. I did the best I could with my kids no negative feedback ever only positive as didn't want them to ever feel as I did. Anyway that was a great post Phillipa
Posted by Dinah on September 16, 2008, at 13:15:13
In reply to Inner child stuff, posted by Tabitha on September 16, 2008, at 2:51:44
> So whenever I feel these upset feelings I'm trying to pay attention to them in a welcoming, compassionate way.
I can't do those exercises. I literally can't. I feel so stupid I freeze. Inhibited? Me? :)
What I can do is give all of me a voice and a chance to speak. I can try to listen respectfully and compassionately.
It isn't a small thing to do. It's sometimes a very hard thing to do. Some of the things I say to myself at those times are darn hard to take seriously, to not be dismissive. The best gift I can give to myself is to do that.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.