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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 14 to 38 of 38. Go back in thread:
Posted by Poet on September 2, 2008, at 19:43:31
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession » Poet, posted by antigua3 on September 1, 2008, at 8:31:20
Hi Antigua,
Thank you for thinking my poem was beautiful. I've seriously thought about changing my posting name as I barely write anything anymore, but knowing that someone appreciates my work means a lot to me.
I am definitely doing black and white thinking and fearing the worst. Which is silly because my T doesn't push me. If I say I don't want to talk about something, that's the end of the discussion. Though when it comes to CSA she said she won't bring it up unless I do and in an indirect way I brought it up. What am I so afraid of? Sigh.
Maybe she'll have patient amnesia.
Thank you for your kind words.
Poet
Posted by Poet on September 2, 2008, at 19:47:05
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession, posted by onceupon on September 1, 2008, at 13:33:29
Hi onceupon,
You are definitely in good company when it comes to blurting in fear and running. Though I usually hand her a note with a shaky hand and run.
As you and others have pointed out I can decline to talk. It's my session, right?
Oh, oh, I don't see her until Friday and that dreaded feeling is already here.
Poet
Posted by Poet on September 2, 2008, at 19:52:15
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession/Poet, posted by rskontos on September 2, 2008, at 19:29:54
Hi RSK,
I've been seeing my T for six years and sex is not a topic I can discuss. Even events that traumatized me. No, no, no!
Your T's methods to get you to talk are like my T's. When it comes to CSA she's been waiting over two years for me to bring it up. So maybe just saying I'm afraid my husband will have an affair isn't going to cause her to make a direct connection to anything that may or may not have occured in my childhood.
I'll post what happens on Friday.
Thank you for your understanding.
Poet
Posted by Racer on September 2, 2008, at 21:29:33
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession » Racer, posted by Poet on September 2, 2008, at 19:09:47
>>
> You are very wise and I don't mean just a wise a**.
>
> Poet
>
>Better a wise one than a dumb one, right?
I'm very sad for you that you didn't enjoy sex. I realize this is a very intimate sort of subject, and a lot of people reading right now have their fingers in their ears singing LALALALA, but I wanted to say that. I enjoyed sex, despite all the baggage it brought at times, and wish that you could experience the true glories that connection can have at times. It can be very comforting and healing for me -- or, at least, as far as I can remember it was...
Were you able to enjoy cuddling, or other sorts of physical intimacy? If not, you know I'm heading out there with my outrage and some whips. You deserve so much more.
By the way, I just realized something -- physical intimacy for me can be very much like curling up around a purring cat. The same sort of warmth and connection. I wish that you could enjoy that feeling, too.
You're wonderful. I know you disagree -- but you're not correct...
Posted by Racer on September 3, 2008, at 7:37:54
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession » antigua3, posted by Poet on September 2, 2008, at 19:43:31
>> Though when it comes to CSA she said she won't bring it up unless I do and in an indirect way I brought it up. What am I so afraid of? Sigh.
>Maybe you're afraid that, if you say it out loud to another person, it will become Real. It will become something which Really Did Happen?
Or, maybe you're afraid that you'll be told that It Wasn't That Bad? That it's all your fault for thinking it was Bad, when anyone else would have been able to shake it off without a care? Or that you'll have to be able to explain how what happened caused you pain -- why it hurt you? That only sounds like a crazy idea until you realize that it's my fear -- "what happened to you really wasn't that bad, many people have been through far worse, you're only hurt by it because you're Too Damned Sensitive." Funny thing, of course -- that's exactly what happened to me as a kid...
I'm a huge believer in backing into a subject with my eyes closed and fingers in my ears singing LALALALA. If I were trying to get you to a place where you could open up about this topic, I think I'd start with exploring what it is that prevents you from talking about this. Is it a fear, like those above, that involve external elements? Are you afraid that if you ever speak of it, you'll break down into tears and cry so hard you'll break apart? That's another of my fears, that if I talk about certain things, it'll be so bad that I'll break into pieces that can't be put back together.
Of course, you're not me, and I'm not nearly as clever as you are in so very many ways, so your own reluctance may be very different. I still hope you find a way to heal -- even if you never say a word.
Posted by antigua3 on September 3, 2008, at 12:21:28
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession » antigua3, posted by Poet on September 2, 2008, at 19:43:31
Please don't change your name. I love knowing that you're Poet. And you are a poet, truly.
antigua
Posted by Poet on September 3, 2008, at 19:08:07
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession » Poet, posted by Racer on September 3, 2008, at 7:37:54
Hi Racer,
It's hard to type with my fingers in my ears LA LA LA LA LA.
I've never liked cuddling or really any long periods of physical contact. Dr. Clueless would probably say it's my sensory defensiveness which I would have to agree with. Damn it I hate it when I think Clueless might be right about something.
Plus I don'tcome from a family that is big on physical demonstrations of emotion. With cats, yes, people no. My mother says couples hold hands in public to keep from hitting each other. Though my sister is a hand holder and a people hugger, so go figure.
I do like it when the cats snuggle on my lap and nuzzle me, so maybe it's just human contact that bothers me?
>>Maybe you're afraid that, if you say it out loud to another person, it will become Real. It will become something which Really Did Happen?
It didn't happen, LA LA LA LA LA, I have never actually said it out loud, T has read it when I briefly did journaling. I denied it for close to four years and that I wrote it was major for me.
I can understand your fear that you'll be told that it wasn't that bad and basically get over it. This is why only T and people here know. Plus I blame myself for it and I know I am not to blame, repeat three hundred million zillion times until I believe it.
I think it is more if I say it I have to admit it happened than I'll break down and cry. I never cry in therapy, but if anything could make me do it this is it.
Thank you for your incredible insight and you are as clever as I am if not more so.
Poet
Posted by Poet on September 3, 2008, at 19:09:02
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession » Poet, posted by antigua3 on September 3, 2008, at 12:21:28
Posted by Daisym on September 3, 2008, at 20:20:52
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession/Poet » rskontos, posted by Poet on September 2, 2008, at 19:52:15
I had a question: Did you stop having sex after you gave your therapist the note? It might be useful to look at that connection.
Posted by Racer on September 3, 2008, at 21:54:19
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession » Racer, posted by Poet on September 3, 2008, at 19:08:07
Posted by onceupon on September 4, 2008, at 12:57:10
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession » onceupon, posted by Poet on September 2, 2008, at 19:47:05
Good luck tomorrow. I'll be thinking about you as I'm sitting in my therapist's office with my arms and legs crossed and my heart pounding as I try to talk about my relationship with my therapist - the topic that shall not be named ;)
Posted by Poet on September 4, 2008, at 19:51:45
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession » Poet, posted by Daisym on September 3, 2008, at 20:20:52
Hi Daisy,
You know it was about the same time. Hmm. Now I really have something to think about.
You (and Racer, in case she sees this) are very very wise.
Poet
Posted by Poet on September 4, 2008, at 19:54:45
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession, posted by onceupon on September 4, 2008, at 12:57:10
Hi Onceupon,
Thanks. Arms and legs tightly crossed for me, too. Plus I'll probably glare at her. Do my best don't mess with me today look.
I'll post tomorrow.
Poet
Posted by Daisym on September 5, 2008, at 0:10:40
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession » Daisym, posted by Poet on September 4, 2008, at 19:51:45
((((Poet))))
Be gentle with yourself but try to close your eyes and just say what is inside you. The fear you feel is from events you've already survived. You've already proven how strong you are. Silence protects the abuser. It is time to take back your life and speak your truth.
Easy to say - way hard to do. Good luck tomorrow.
Posted by Racer on September 5, 2008, at 1:22:53
In reply to Re: Drop and Dash aka Doorknob Confession » Poet, posted by Daisym on September 5, 2008, at 0:10:40
> The fear you feel is from events you've already survived. You've already proven how strong you are.
This blew me away -- I never once saw that. I did already survive the events that traumatized me. I already know I can survive them, because I did -- no matter how much damage it may have done me.
I still wonder, though, why it's even harder to say it -- in some cases, it's harder to think about it directly -- than I think the events themselves might have been. (In some ways, at least...)
That's amazing, Daisy -- thank you for this perspective. Maybe it will help.
Posted by Poet on September 5, 2008, at 17:02:32
In reply to Holy ---!!! Blown away by this » Daisym, posted by Racer on September 5, 2008, at 1:22:53
I peeked and hers were shut. This was after she said can we talk about "sex." I must have looked horrified as she said let's both close our eyes.
Not seeing her made it easier and knowing she couldn't see how uncomfortable I was helped, too. T took it slow, didn't say the words outloud and let me cross my arms and legs and say I don't want to talk about certain things. I think that I was willing to dance around the issue and not run from it was a positive. What I love about my T is she never pushes me and so CSA was never said outloud just implied and hinted at. "Other things that have effected your desire to have sex."
She asked when I last had sex and I said over two years ago. She asked how I tolerated it before, I said I'm good at faking. I've always faked it. I She laughed and said "I know many women who are good at faking." The she asked what would happen if I told my husband I was faking and that he can have sex with me, but just don't delay it and get it over with. I told her I think he'd be insulted by that and would probably be mad that I faked it all these years.
She then suggested that I talk to him about my sensory defensiveness and how my feelings on being touched effect my sexual desire. I can try to do that.
T's other concern is that when I go to my parents house (they've gotten into a Friday lunch pattern with me) and my abuser lives below them. I pray he's not home, but today he was and just seeing him gets to me. T wants me to tell my parents we have to meet at the restaurant, which sometimes I do, but my mother always wants to know why. Even if I got mad and blurted out why she would never believe her baby boy could do something so horrible.
Thank you everyone for your ideas and support. It's wonderful to have a place where people get the horrors of CSA. If T continues to just hint and not say it outloud I may be able to slowly build up to saying the bad stuff outloud. Or at least Journal it and let her read it again.
Poet
Posted by Poet on September 5, 2008, at 17:04:10
In reply to We both had our eyes at one point, posted by Poet on September 5, 2008, at 17:02:32
Posted by onceupon on September 6, 2008, at 12:30:49
In reply to We both had our eyes at one point, posted by Poet on September 5, 2008, at 17:02:32
> I peeked and hers were shut. This was after she said can we talk about "sex." I must have looked horrified as she said let's both close our eyes.
Wow - this sounds like a very powerful way to have this conversation (and safe, too).
> She then suggested that I talk to him about my sensory defensiveness and how my feelings on being touched effect my sexual desire. I can try to do that.This definitely sounds like an important conversation.
> T's other concern is that when I go to my parents house (they've gotten into a Friday lunch pattern with me) and my abuser lives below them. I pray he's not home, but today he was and just seeing him gets to me. T wants me to tell my parents we have to meet at the restaurant, which sometimes I do, but my mother always wants to know why. Even if I got mad and blurted out why she would never believe her baby boy could do something so horrible.Oh my. I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Is the restaurant more convenient for you in any way? Is there some other excuse you can give?
> Thank you everyone for your ideas and support. It's wonderful to have a place where people get the horrors of CSA. If T continues to just hint and not say it outloud I may be able to slowly build up to saying the bad stuff outloud. Or at least Journal it and let her read it again.I'm impressed by your courage. It helps if it's a slow build-up, doesn't it? I hope you continue to post about your progress. It sounds like you've made a huge jump ahead. Hope you can feel good about that for yourself.
Once
Posted by Racer on September 6, 2008, at 13:12:25
In reply to We both had our eyes at one point, posted by Poet on September 5, 2008, at 17:02:32
I'm so very glad you two had this talk. I think there are ways to get at a lot of these issues without going the whole Goal Oriented, Straight Ahead route. You don't have to be Type A to ace therapy, you know.
And I like your T, too. She's good to you, and I like to see that happening. And she's obviously brilliant, since she agrees with me so often!
>
> T's other concern is that when I go to my parents house (they've gotten into a Friday lunch pattern with me) and my abuser lives below them. I pray he's not home, but today he was and just seeing him gets to me. T wants me to tell my parents we have to meet at the restaurant, which sometimes I do, but my mother always wants to know why.You know that old chestnut about parents saying to children who ask why, "because?" Turnabout is fair play.
Mom: "Why should we meet you at the restaurant, instead of at our house?"
Empowered Poet: "Because."
Mom: "But that's not an answer, I want to know WHY."
Empowered Poet: "Because that's what I prefer."
And if Mom continues asking --
Empowered Poet: "I have said that it is what I prefer. In the absence of any compelling reason not to meet at the restaurant, you will meet me at the restaurant if you want to have lunch with me."
And you know what? If you can remember the rule that says repeating a simple statement works far better than trying to explain it, and just repeat that last part -- even distill it down to "If you want to have lunch with me, you will meet me at the restaurant" -- you may find that you feel much better about your weekly Unpleasant Chore.
Or not, of course. But you'll probably feel a hell of a lot stronger.
And I am very glad you got through this. I hope one day you can get through all of it and come out the Poet you've always wanted to be.
xoxo
Posted by Poet on September 7, 2008, at 11:43:54
In reply to Re: We both had our eyes at one point, posted by onceupon on September 6, 2008, at 12:30:49
Hi Onceupon,
Sometimes my parents want to go to a restaurant that it make sense for me to meet them there, but most often it's not. I need to come up with some good excuses.
A slow build-up does help. My T knows I'm far from a blurter and if pushed I will just stare at my feet and say nothing. Thanks for saying I've made a full jump ahead, I need the encouragement.
Poet
Posted by Poet on September 7, 2008, at 11:48:24
In reply to Re: We both had our eyes at one point » Poet, posted by Racer on September 6, 2008, at 13:12:25
Hi Racer,
My mother is stubborn, wonder where I get my stubborness from, anyway, I can try the because I said so on her. I like the idea of being the empowered Poet.
I also like the idea of somewhere in a far off time being the Poet I've wanted to be.
Poet
p.s. are you and my T psychically connected?
Posted by Racer on September 7, 2008, at 21:37:57
In reply to Re: We both had our eyes at one point » Racer, posted by Poet on September 7, 2008, at 11:48:24
>
> p.s. are you and my T psychically connected?Nope.
I'm just a really good ventriloquist!
I look forward to meeting the Empowered Poet you've always wanted to be. I think I've seen a little of her, and I think you'll like her a lot.
Posted by antigua3 on September 8, 2008, at 9:02:45
In reply to We both had our eyes at one point, posted by Poet on September 5, 2008, at 17:02:32
You did such a great job. And I liked that you peeked! I would have, too. I've never asked my T or pdoc to close their eyes too, but that is a great idea so I don't feel like they're always looking at me when I'm talking.
Poet, you are becoming the person you want to be. I see it, and others here see it too. Your bravery is very inspiring.
antigua
Posted by Poet on September 9, 2008, at 16:27:50
In reply to Re: We both had our eyes at one point » Poet, posted by Racer on September 7, 2008, at 21:37:57
I knew there was someone lurking outside T's door. Maybe you should change your posting name to Edgar Bergen?
Poet
Posted by Poet on September 9, 2008, at 16:29:36
In reply to Re: We both had our eyes at one point » Poet, posted by antigua3 on September 8, 2008, at 9:02:45
Hi Antigua,
It's been such a slow process, but I might eventually be who I want to be.
I think you and your T should both try closing your eyes. And of course you peek to make sure T's eyes are firmly shut.
Thanks for your faith in me.
Poet
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