![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 27 to 51 of 68. Go back in thread:
Posted by twinleaf on September 28, 2007, at 22:57:35
In reply to I'm sorry, posted by Dinah on September 28, 2007, at 22:42:38
I'm so glad you posted. Are you running a fever? It's only a guess, but the kind of exhaustion and lack of energy to engage in therapy and other important things in your life which you have been describing sound a lot like you aren't well physically. Do you have good medical people caring for you? Ruling things out, and taking good care of things they find?
Posted by MidnightBlue on September 28, 2007, at 23:19:54
In reply to I'm sorry, posted by Dinah on September 28, 2007, at 22:42:38
Dinah,
No reason to be sorry. I'm glad you posted, too. Look on the bright side. There are no hurricanes in the gulf right now!
Take care, love, and forgive yourself. I think the teen years are best forgotten.
MB
Posted by RealMe on September 29, 2007, at 0:17:19
In reply to Re: Hearing Ts give presentations » RealMe, posted by twinleaf on September 28, 2007, at 22:26:23
Not if I was there too; if he yelled, I would yell right back at him and tell him he had a lot of nerve talking about termination. Of course I wouldn't mention you or anyone in particular. I can take on the best of them. I have had to learn to do that when testifying in court. I love it when attorneys try to mess with me. I laugh inside, but I have to stay focused and be appropriate.
Fact of the matter is, if you were up front, you would probably really unnerve him. I know that though my T said he was happy I would be there to cheer him on when he presented, it was sort of uncomfortable to see him nervous. He was presenting to a group of around 30--attorneys, psychiatrists, and about three of us were psychologists. I never said anything to him about it, but later I thought, well at least he can be human.
My previous T is not an analyst. He specializes in consultation-liason psychiatry, and I went to him initially because my body was falling apart so to speak. He was not even very good about that as the first thing he said to me was that I did not have a fatal disease or fatal medical problem which I knew, but I was never sick, and all of a sudden I found myself taking around 8 or 9 pills a day plus two inhalers, one twice per day, and one once per day. I had to have four surgeries that year, and I still keep saying, this is not me. Well he got better, but when I started to talk about csa, he should have nicely said I need to work with someone else. Instead, he was narcissistic enough to think he could work with me himself. After all, he has published quite a bit, and he was head of the mental health division of the AMA, etc etc etc. I think I have said that my currnet analyst says he thinks I did the ECT as a "gift" for my previous T as I wanted to try to do what he wanted me to do. That is really sick. So, no I only saw this guy for two years and usually once to twice per week. I still miss him in some ways, and I find that interesting. He had his good points, but he certainly was triggered by some things that I said like that anyone who administers ECT is sadistic. He used to be an ECT doc. He was also pissed when I told him my pulmonary doctor and a neurologist expressed concerns about my doing ECT and why would I be willing to potentially harm myself cognitively and throw away 23 years of education. I know I won't be totally okay cognitively from the ECT, but I am in pretty good shape anymore. I sometimes can't remember if I already said something, and so I hope people forgive me if I repeat myself. I journal daily so I don't forget the big picture. I guess I better get to bed. Four reports to do tomorrow.
So, if your old analyst started yelling at you, he would only embarrass himself, and he would be too proud to do that. The jerk. I can tell you that when I was doing my postdoc training at Menninger's, one of the nastiest people there was Walt Menninger. He was such an *ss and did not care that 90+% of the staff at Menninger's did not want to go to Houston, Texas and affilate with Baylor. So, he did it anyway, and Menninger's lost all of their senior analysts. I remember going to a graduation after I had graduated and saying to him why not affliate with KU med center as the feeling was that Menninger's would not survive as free standing. I think they could have if they had pushed the Topeka Psychoanalytic Institute to operate on it's own. Menninger's suppported it 100%. But Walt's response to me was, "Why would we affilate with KU? They aren't ranked in anything." At the time, Menninger's would go back and forth with McLean in terms of No 1 or No 2 ranking. What a jerk he was. The State of Kansas was even willing to give them a huge grant to stay, but Walt was set to go. So, I immagine Dr. Karl Menninger, Dr. Will Menninger, and Dr. C.F. Menninger (sons and father) who started Menninger's in the 20's are flipping in their graves. Dr. Walt is one of Dr. Will's sons. Enough. I won't be able to go to sleep if I think too much about that jerk. AGGH. So, goodnight for now.
RealMe
Posted by RealMe on September 29, 2007, at 0:20:37
In reply to I'm sorry, posted by Dinah on September 28, 2007, at 22:42:38
Dinah
If nothing else, please keep your therapist. This is someone who really cares, and he is correct. He will remember. Here is wishing you a speedy recovery.
RealMe
Posted by twinleaf on September 29, 2007, at 1:15:34
In reply to Re: Hearing Ts give presentations » twinleaf, posted by RealMe on September 29, 2007, at 0:17:19
It's a shame about Menninger's going to Texas and losing its ranking and character. The analyst I have now trained there for his psychiatric residency when it was considered the best place to be trained- he's 63 now, so it's been a while. I gather all those other Menningers were really nice, as well as being excellent psychiatrists and analysts- I didn't know there was a nasty one as well!
You should take my place at that conference! I tend to avoid confrontation, when it would be better for me to speak up, and I also tend to feel I need to take care of people even when they have hurt me- I'm working on all these things, but I'm not there yet. If I do go, I promise a report about him! I know he is going to be very unnerved if he sees me. I'm actually kind of worried about his breaking down in front of everyone, because I really do think he broke down in front of just me- he really acted crazy and belligerant, jumping out of his chair, coming right over to me, looming over me. All the while he was saying things like that he didn't feel safe with me, that I was the first patient who made him feel unsafe, that I was going to attack him sexually (he was an enormous man- 6'5" and powerfully built, and I am thin and have skinny muscles, and anyway, how is that done?) The whole thing ended with him pointing at his door and yelling over and over for me to get out. Even though I've gradually disentangled myself from him emotionally, and feel quite safe, myself, in my relationship with the new analyst, I dread the possibility that if I show up, he might react the same way just by seeing me. That's a real fear- though I know it's not realistic.
Posted by RealMe on September 29, 2007, at 1:52:59
In reply to Re: Hearing Ts give presentations » RealMe, posted by twinleaf on September 29, 2007, at 1:15:34
No not all the Menninger's were nice people. My old T there was in the same residency class with Dr. Walt. HUM. Dr. Karl could cause people to shake in their boots. Before I went back to school to work on my doctorate and after I got out of Menninger's as a patien, I went to work at the Kansas State Reception and Diagnostic Center for the Kansas Department of Corrections. It was a great learning experience as Dr. Karl would come for grand rounds. There were psychologists, social workers, and psychiatrists there, and residents would come and do some training/work there. This was in the mida 80's. So, I had had lunch with Dr. Karl as a patient, but he didn't remember this thank goodness. The residents would be ready to wet their pants when he came as he was an old grudmogeon. Lots of great stories about him as he really cared about the patients. Anyway, I can remember the first time I spoke up and challenged something he said, and he looked at me, and then from then on we were on the best of terms. So many of the residents were scared to challenge him. He would turn to me after that and aske what I thought. He could be way more intimidating than Dr. Walt. When I decided to go back to school, before I left I was at a round table discussion with him, and he was so happy for me that I was going back to school to get my doctorate. He had been encouraging me, and when he heard I was going to Chicago, he thought that was great too and asked if I knew he had gone to Chicago too. I did know that. This was the last time I saw him alive. He died a couple years later I believe. Yes, Menninger's saved my life as a patient, and is the best place I ever was as far as training and work was concerned. I left there, partly because I could see the handwriting was on the wall. Interesting that your analyst trained there for residency. Yes, my second year as a postdoc, they were ranked number one in the country. Those were some of the best days of my career as the team approach was at it's best there. I loved how everyone worked togehter.
RealMe.
I know; I am still up; I need to get myself to bed!!!!
Posted by twinleaf on September 29, 2007, at 2:22:44
In reply to Re: Hearing Ts give presentations » twinleaf, posted by RealMe on September 29, 2007, at 1:52:59
Those are wonderful memories to have, You should be so proud to have grown from being a patient so much in need of help to a resident whom Dr. Karl respected, liked and supported. I don't know too much about my analyst, and may never, as he has quite firm boundaries, but I get the feeling that he feels about Menningers' just the way you do- very, very positively. It's so sad to have lost a place that was so unique and valuable. I don't think there's anywhere comparable to go now for those who need really intensive, long-term care. I don't think Riggs or McLean are in the same league. Probably financial and insurance realities would make Menningers' impossible today. It is great to have had those wonderful learning experiences there, though. Just wondering- has anyone written about the old Menningers? I don't mean biographies, but about the hospital itself.
Posted by Dinah on September 29, 2007, at 8:56:06
In reply to so glad you posted » Dinah, posted by twinleaf on September 28, 2007, at 22:57:35
No fever. It was an outer ear infection. Painful but not serious. I had to walk around for a couple of days with cotton wadded down my ear, which added to the discomfort, but it's out now and I'm feeling better.
I'm not sure about the diabetes. My internist just seems interested in the quarterly readings, which were above the recommended last time, but not enough that he did anything but tell me to watch my food and exercise. He doesn't seem inclined to worry about day to day readings. I'm not sure, except for this time, that I've been honest with him about my occasional binges, and I'm not sure if they do any harm. But none of my doctors, including the citywide expert in diabetes that my mother sees, seems inclined to do anything else.
I think it's mainly stress. My health always takes a downturn when I'm stressed. I went from prediabetes to diabetes in a period of stress. I developed kidney stones after a period of stress. Migraines of course come with stress. I even had a close friend who worked at my office who died after a time when we both were very stressed at work. They never conclusively pinned down what the direct cause was, as far as I know. But I think she wasn't in good shape to deal with it.
There's a thought. I probably connect work stress and death now.
Soooo... I don't know. I don't know the difference really. I suspect my doctors think I'm a hypochondriac.
Posted by Dinah on September 29, 2007, at 8:57:07
In reply to Re: I'm sorry » Dinah, posted by RealMe on September 29, 2007, at 0:20:37
Thank you.
I'm just so tired.
Posted by Dinah on September 29, 2007, at 9:02:51
In reply to Re: I'm sorry » Dinah, posted by MidnightBlue on September 28, 2007, at 23:19:54
We are indeed blessed by the hurricane situation right now.
I think the teen years are best forgotten too, except when they rear their ugly head and cause me to react in ways that are out of proportion to what's going on.
I think right now quitting work is the most important goal in my life. My social security statement came in, and I realized I have another sixteen years to retirement. That seems like a long and unpleasant lifetime from now. And I know that I can't both quit and continue therapy.
But...
I really liked how he said he could continue to be the person who is important to me, could continue to do those things, even when I can't feel them. Maybe because it's a way of thinking I understand. Love is a verb.
But I'm not sure it means as much if I don't remember who he is to me.
Posted by muffled on September 29, 2007, at 10:05:59
In reply to Re: I'm sorry » MidnightBlue, posted by Dinah on September 29, 2007, at 9:02:51
Bless you.
I'm so sorry your so stressed right now.
And I wonder if depression is rearing its ugly head.
When it hits me, I get so tired...
You've got alot going on :-(
Is your T sliding scale at all? Would he consider it just for 1x//wk, or even bi-monthly?
Like you need to hear this, but would it be possible to find a cheaper T? You could still visit with oldT mebbe 1x/mo...
Just trying to find some ideas for you.
As for the dear pup....is he getting calmer, or still high energy and dominance time to time?
Maybe there's diff dog out there for you, that needs you?
The pup has been somewhat trained which is a bonus for a new owner...
Sigh...as for sons....fotunately mine has actually showed some humanity...WHY..I don't know, not like I have a clue what I am doing....
I just so sorry you hurting Dinah, and I hope you can take any and all offers of help from friends/family. You need to take extra good care of yourself. You help others lots, now its your turn.
BTW, I think your T is right....he will be 'back'. My T keeps telling me, 'I do not change'....ya right...
Its confusing.
But then we have a good appt and things feel better some again.
Take good care dinah,
Muffled
Posted by MidnightBlue on September 29, 2007, at 13:25:28
In reply to Re: I'm sorry » MidnightBlue, posted by Dinah on September 29, 2007, at 9:02:51
Dinah,
I will just say this about working. I wished I had worked a bit more so I would have qualified for disability. (I have complex physical as well as mental health problems.) So work while you can for as long as you can AS LONG AS it doesn't do you harm.
That is the big thing. Don't stress yourself to the point where work is making you sick. Could you take a 3 month leave of absence from work? If you suddenly get better and are enjoying life more, don't go back. At least not at that job. If things are the same or worse consider going back to work.
MB
Posted by RealMe on September 29, 2007, at 13:41:30
In reply to memories of Menningers » RealMe, posted by twinleaf on September 29, 2007, at 2:22:44
Actually there is a book written about Menninger's by a guy who came to research when I was a patient there. He started working on the book in 1982, I believe, and it was copyright in 1990. Dr. Karl Menninger saw the draft before he died and was not happy with it as there was little focus on the hospital and research done there after the mid 60's. There is only one brief chapter devoted to the time period from the mid 60's to around 1980. I found that rather sad. So did lots of folks, but the old history is very interesting.
The book is called, "Menninger, The Family and the Clinic" and was written by Lawrence J. Friedman, copyright 1990 and published by Alfred A. Knopf, Inc. It is the book that Dr. Karl hoped would tell the story of Menninger's, and for the most part it does. Friedman was given access to all sorts of information and letters, etc that no one else had seen.
RE being a patient there in the early to mid 80', I had very good insurance for mental health, $1 million dollar policy strictly for mh services. So, cost was not an obstacle. It was traditional at that time to offer long-term inpatient psychiatric treatment and analyasis to people. So, I was there for 2.75 years. I had lots of problems with dissociation the first year, but not later. I wasn't anymore crazy than I am now!!! LOL. I entered the hospital in June 1981 and left the hospital in March 1984 and was in outpatient treatment until 1988. I went back to outpatient treatment in around 1990 or 1991 and continued with outpatient treatment until 1994 when I finished my postdoctoral training. I was not on med's since around 1992. Even when I was a postdoctoral fellow in clinical psychology, they were still getting famous people as patients, very wealthy millionaire type people and movie stars or their kids. This has always been the case over the years from the beginning. So, yes they were hurting some financially, but they also had huge endowments of multimillion dollars left to them by wealthy families. And, had they affiliated with KU med center they would have been fine. Walt Menninger was one narcissistic prick in my opinion. So, they moved in 2003 I believe it was. There is hardly anyone there now who actually trained at Menninger's when it was in Topeka, KS.
Yes, if trained at Menninger's, a therapist learns to keep strict boundaries. No hugging, no going overtime with sessions, no divulging personal information, etc. Now I will say that some of this re personal inforamation was not always strictly adhered to. I knew my T liked opera, for example, because he was always pushing to watch it on PBS (when I was in the hospital and he was my hospital doctor and not my T). I knew other stuff too, like he gave me the name of his vet for my cats, and a few other things like that. No one kept their address or home phone number secret, and I think in all the time I saw him I only called him once at home.
My current T/analyst is the same way with boundaries, very strict in terms of the time given for appointments. Days and time when seen stay the same; if I have to miss an appointment, and he cannot fill the time, I am responsible for the time. The times are mine. So. He has said a few things about personal life like volunteering at the Jewish Center seeing patients who would not be able to afford to see someone like him otherwise. He has done a lot of work with trauma and eating disorders, and he has even worked with Holocaust survivors. Otherwise besides the program he runs for "emerging adults," I don't know anything else about him other than what I could probably find if I googled his name. I thought he was in a different location when I called for an appointment. So, I am surprised when I read about people here who say their T goes over and gives them an extra 10, 15, or 30 minutes. I am lucky if I get one extra minute. He starts to wrap up, if I need it around 10 minutes before we end so I am not left hanging and in complete distress. He knows how to do that very well which I appreciate.
You definitely have a very well trained analyst. I am glad for you, and he is right; he won't do to you what your previous analyst did. I hope he has helped you to understand too that it wasn't you. This other guy should have known better, is sounds like than to do what he did. He felt threatened by you???? HUM; I wonder if he was starting to have sexual feelings about you and then blamed you for him having these feelings.
RealMe
Posted by Dinah on September 29, 2007, at 14:01:32
In reply to Dinah » Dinah, posted by muffled on September 29, 2007, at 10:05:59
I'm glad about your son. I'm doing fairly well with mine, for no reason I can fathom. It seems I have been such a b*tch lately that he should feel worse about me.
My husband has said he doesn't want to hear the things I'm saying. I can't blame him, on the one hand. But on the other, if it were him, I'd listen.
My therapist has many fine and useful qualities I'm sure, but sliding scales and seeing me for less than his usual fee is not one of them. Not even after all this time. If I ran low on money, I'd run low on him.
I never came out and asked him. But he's answered anyway.
Posted by Dinah on September 29, 2007, at 14:05:18
In reply to Re: I'm sorry » Dinah, posted by MidnightBlue on September 29, 2007, at 13:25:28
I just got my social security statement in (that's one reason I'm feeling trapped and frantic), and it says I do qualify. I've been working, at this job, for over twentyfive years. :(
A leave of absence... I'll have to give that thought. On the one hand, my office just doesn't work that way. But on the other hand, I'm pretty sure they'd take me back. I'll have to think about it. I'm not good at change. Not even good change.
Posted by twinleaf on September 29, 2007, at 16:47:01
In reply to Re: memories of Menningers » twinleaf, posted by RealMe on September 29, 2007, at 13:41:30
That was so interesting- about Menningers', and what it was like for you. Thanks for the book reference- I think I'll see if I can find a copy.
I think strict boundaries help patients a lot- you can express lots of very painful and powerful stuff, and know that they will just be there, with all the same behaviors in place. Going over the time, or hugging or touching would bother me a lot.
My former analyst went over the boundaries in a lot of little ways- inviting me to musical events (we both like singing chorale music), and conferences he was engaged in, showing me photos of flowers he had taken on mountain holidays (I am an amateur botanist who has been going recently to places like Iceland, Svalbard and Turkey to photograph flowers). And yes, my new analyst thinks that he probably did develop sexual feelings towards me, couldn't tolerate them, and dealt with them by becoming angry and abusive. The strange thing is that I never had any sexual feelings for that analyst, at all, although I'm finding that I do for the new one! I haven't mentioned that at all yet (to the new one), but, when I do, I know he'll be very steady- neither seductive nor rejecting.
So you have, most likely, zeroed in on the real reason for his crazy behaviour- only a psychologically-trained person like you would know such a thing. Because I didn't have any similiar feelings, it honestly never crossed my mind.
Posted by Phillipa on September 29, 2007, at 22:42:35
In reply to Re: I'm sorry » MidnightBlue, posted by Dinah on September 29, 2007, at 14:05:18
Dinah you really do have to keep working on your diabetes as it is a serious disease. I know you know this. maybe some time off would give you time with the pup and allow you to see if maybe parttime might be the ticket for you. Your family needs you more than a job. Priorities. Your health number one. And I know you know I care. Phillipa
Posted by RealMe on September 29, 2007, at 23:51:15
In reply to Re: so glad you posted » twinleaf, posted by Dinah on September 29, 2007, at 8:56:06
I doubt your doctors think you are a hypochondiac though I understand. I just got checked today for diabetes as my neurologist said I have peripheal neuropathy in mostly on the left side, my feet. I think since then it has progressed. If it is not diabetes, then it may well be related to the horrible pain I have in my lower back. I also get numb on the outside of my hands and down into my little fingers. I am afraid ECT screwed with my spine, and I need to get back to my neurosurgeon. He was really pissed they did not consult with him before the ECT. It has been two years since the two cervical spine surgeries, and two years since I got injections in my lower spine. Now I feel like I am back to square one with pain. Plus the pulmonary stuff is iffy, it seems. I have been coughing up blood again on and off. I keep thinking, should I contact my pulmonary doctor or not. He said only if it lasts more than three days which it does not. I still need surgery on my left thumb for the basal joint. Right thumb basal joint surgery almost a year ago, plus I had to have my turbinates zapped again this year so I could use my CPAP machine for the damn sleep apnea. Sounds like the doctor today is concerned about my cholesteral too. Oh, and I have cataracts now too. Lets see, what else,nothing new; went through early menopause in my 30s. That is old news. Oh, and I have GERD now too. I thought I was having a heart attack because the pain was in my chest and neck and jaw. Cardiac cath showed good arteries; yeah some good news. But the COPD, sleep apnea, and GERD go hand in hand. And I have hypertension now too. So, believe me I find it a struggle every day to go to work, but I have to as I need the good insurance so I can go to the doctors of my choosing. Catch-22. Besides I don't think I could handle being home with my husband every day. He early retired after he had a heart attack several years ago. They have found he has the genetic marker for cardiovascular disease. Never mind he has low bp and low cholesteral. Doesn't matter if you have the genetic marker.
So why might we get depressed. HAH. That's a joke. I feel I am in a physical disaster zone, and I try not to think about it and don't unless the pain gets up to an 8 or 9. Today I could barely get out of bed. Stress; yes that will do it too. So, please take care of yourself and rest this weekend. Look who is talking. Well at least I am sitting down as I do my reports. I was just too exhausted to do them during the week.
RealMe
Posted by gardenergirl on September 30, 2007, at 0:04:37
In reply to Re: Hearing Ts give presentations » twinleaf, posted by RealMe on September 28, 2007, at 21:21:02
> GEES; I will go with you to the conference, and we can sit in the front row and just stare at him, rather glare at him.
That's exactly what I was thinking! And maybe if there are Q and A after, we could ask him what the therapeutic benefit of screaming "Get out!" is.
sheesh.
gg
Posted by gardenergirl on September 30, 2007, at 0:13:56
In reply to I'm sorry, posted by Dinah on September 28, 2007, at 22:42:38
> and thank you. I really appreciate all your thoughts.
>
> My blood sugar's been a bit off since my binge, and I had a mild ear infection. Plus the constant stimulation of the puppy and the usual work stress made worse by the fact that it's been so hard for me to work when I'm sick.Sounds like a lot going on. And if the puppy's not sleeping through the night enough, that sleep deprivation adds to the cost.
>
> But I think I'm beginning to realize that my experiences with the puppy are also bringing up a lot of feelings from my adolescence. Not so nice feelings. Feelings I'm ashamed of. My therapist says you don't have to feel ashamed of feelings, and I know I say that to others. But it's hard to apply to myself.I know that one. I wish we could listen to ourselves and hear it the way we say it to others. Maybe it just needs the right amount of repetition, experiences, circumstances, and some other mysterious something to come together at the right time. But try to remember that shame comes originally from outside values, and feelings are internal experiences. Without the meaning attached from what we've internalized from our culture, there'd be no shame. So it's an arbitrary thing to some extent. Okay, enough "psychologizing" (the word my b-i-l likes to use that both offends me and makes me giggle at him).
(((((Dinah))))
>
> I told my therapist today that I ought to quit seeing him for at least a while, because I just can't seem to remember who he is to me. And he said that even if I couldn't remember who he is to me, that he could still *be* who he is to me until I remember. And that I will remember. I always remember. I'm trying to think that through. It somehow felt warm.That's a great and caring response. I'm glad it felt warm, and I have confidence you'll find your way back again.
Take care of yourself, please, Dinah. You're important to me.
gg
Posted by RealMe on September 30, 2007, at 0:19:50
In reply to Re: Hearing Ts give presentations, posted by gardenergirl on September 30, 2007, at 0:04:37
Oh gg; I have been feeling like such sh*t today, and your post here put a smile on my face. Oh now I can go to bed and not cry. Thanks.
RealMe
Posted by RealMe on September 30, 2007, at 10:44:48
In reply to Re: memories of Menningers » RealMe, posted by twinleaf on September 29, 2007, at 16:47:01
Twinleaf, I probably should post this in a new thread, but I don't know how to move things. Yes, your analyst violated boundaries quite a bit it sounds like. My current analyst presented at a conference I attended, but I was signed up for the conference before I ever knew him or knew I was going to see him. So, I was extremely comfortable with going. He was kind, as we had only met twice before the conference, and his saying good I have someone to cheer me on eased my anxiety.
My therapist at Menninger's was my hospital doctor when I was inpatient, and I had an analyst for therapy. I knew nothing about him other than he was born in Egypt. When the President of Egypt died in the early 80's, and I can't remember his name (thank you ECT), I offered condolences, and he said nothing. I felt weird.
My hospital doctor used to push me and other patients to watch opera, and he thought it was funny when we would go ich. I watched once and decided it wasn't for me, but I know it was big for him. I also knew from staff that he was married and had no children and had a cat. Beyond that I knew noting about him. So as I was making the transition to leave the hospital and was already working at a job while still a patient, I asked if I could have him for my therapist as I felt I had gotten no where with my analyst. I could never understand him due to his thick accent, and he said so little, obviously. I learned later from my records that he saw me as manipulative in the sense that I was always trying to get him to talk, say something, anything.
I needed someone who would say something. So, when I asked my hospital doctor to see me, of course they had to have a big case conference with my hospital doctor, my analyst, an analyst who the therapist for a group I was in, and of course a consultant who had consulted on my case throughout the time in the hospital. They decided Yes to seeing my hospital doctor for therapy. I was so happy. So, I really only learned about what vet he took his cat too once he was my therapist. He was good for me as though he did not say much, toward the end he would make some profound comment that I sometimes reacted to negatively, and he would laugh. I needed that as I need to learn he was not laughing at me but at my resistance, and I see that my current analyst does the same, and so mostly I don't take it personaly and laugh myself, and say okay, okay. My therapist there was really good for me in terms of learning how to attach to someone good who cared, and he helped me (in hospital) to learn to know the different parts of me that were dissociated. This in part led to more depression, but it was good of course in the long run. I now know that there are those parts of me, some of which cry out for help. I can be competent at work, and then, there is the little girl who feels left behind and wonders if anyone cares about her.
Though I said little about the abuse at Menninger's, the treatment there was fantastic, and I managed to go back to school, etc. I was not on med's and no therapy until I got sick with a zillion things physically, and then everything I had not worked on came to the forefront. So, last therapist was horrible in the long run for me. He had no business trying to work with me on abuse issues. New analyst, is much, much better. He wanted me to lie on the couch, but so far I just have trouble sitting close to him. I am sitting closer than I used to, but to lie on the couch right now feels too threatening.
It is interesting to me that my body fell apart in lots of ways after I learned my therapist at Menninger's had died. Ironically, I learned he was with his wife at an opera in the mountains of Colorado when he had a heart attack and died. At least he died somewhere at something he loved. I feel like I am going to cry now, so I need to stop. I still really miss him even though I had not seen him in at least five or six years before he died.
So, no of course you did nothing, and you would not necessarily have sexual feelings for him. That would not stop him from feeling sexual toward you. You did not do anything but try to be you. Perhaps he has learned something, but not likely, and can now see that the way the termination went was bad. I would hope so, but I am not holding my breath. Your current analyst will not do this to you; you can bet the house on that.
Having sexual feelings for your current analyst, well don't feel bad. I do too for my current analyst. He is in his mid to late 50's I would guess, and I have never had the experience of feeling this way toward someone I am seeing for therapy. My last T, I did not feel that way about him either. I will say that as a hospital patient and even later in therapy with him, I saw my therapist as more of a father figure for me (I never had a father), and I talked to him about it. He was old enough to be my father, and I wished as a hospital patient in so many ways for him to take me home and be my father. Huh; his wife was a psychiatrist too, but I doubt she would have been happy. Besides, no way was it going to happen. When I graduated from Menninger's and won the writing award for my research, he was there on the stage as at that point he wss Director of the Hospital. As I went on the stage, surprised, and took my award, I was shocked and had a big grin on my face. I looked at my therapist, and he was grinning too. He almost looked like a proud papa to me.
I am glad you have who you have now. He sounds really good, and he will be respectful if you talk about your attraction to him. I think my T will be respectful too. He uses language sometimes, and I think deliberately, that really triggers me. I think he does it becasue of my tendency to want to gloss over things. So, I know we have lots to talk about on Tuesday.
RealMe
Posted by twinleaf on September 30, 2007, at 13:38:14
In reply to Re: so glad you posted » twinleaf, posted by Dinah on September 29, 2007, at 8:56:06
Dinah, thanks for updating. It seems strange to me that the doctors-especially the diabetes expert-are satisfied with just quarterly blood sugar readings. All the people I know with diabetes actually test two or three times a day, and adjust what and when they eat accordingly, and if they take insulin, adjust that, too. As you know, when you have diabetes, any infection, even a minor one, sends blood sugars sky-high. I don't think any good doctor would ever think you were a hypochondriac (I certainly wouldn't). It seems that you may be more stoic, and tending to dismiss or minimize your symptoms. That's certainly not your fault- I think it's your medical team's responsibility to set high standards of care, and educate you in how to care for yourself and work with them. And everyone is going to slip now and then- food-wise. Diabetes is challenging to take care of well, but, if you do, your risk of complications goes way down. With good care and management, you can expect at least 25, 30 or 40 years of side-effect free good health- perhaps more. I wish you had a more pro-active diabetes specialist. My father-in-law had diabetes for 40 years; he went once or twice a month to the Joslin Cliniic in Boston, and never had a single complication in all those years. He died at 86 of a heart attack.The diabetes was a hassle to take care of, although it became very routine and easy for him over time. The best thing was that his quality of life was never impaired
I know yours is only mild; it's possible that it could get a lot milder, or possibly disappear, if you really focussed on the issues of Risperdal and weight. Your weight might just go down naturally if you were able to discontinue the Riisperdal- I lost 50 pounds without doing anything when I stopped taking Zyprexa. I was close to diabetic then, but my readings dropped back to 70 as the weight disappeared. But, Dinah- you need a good, active medical team- people can't do these things all alone.
Posted by twinleaf on September 30, 2007, at 13:59:54
In reply to Re: Hearing Ts give presentations, posted by gardenergirl on September 30, 2007, at 0:04:37
I need you with me, gg and RealMe! I can see you would both set him straight, and not be afraid to do it. Actually, I don't think there IS any way to set him straight- he's so used to being the senior training and supervising analyst who sets EVERYONE ELSE straight!
But I think you two have got his number, and that has helped a tremendous amount with the process of letting him go, and gaining a more realistic understanding of what that situation really added up to..
Posted by Dinah on September 30, 2007, at 14:29:58
In reply to Re: so glad you posted » Dinah, posted by twinleaf on September 30, 2007, at 13:38:14
I don't disagree though I'm at somewhat of a loss what to do about it. I think I've read we're the diabetes capital of the nation, so doctors should be familiar with it. My one experience with the most famous diabetic expert in the city left me feeling that he wasn't doing things much different than my doctors.
I suppose I should test more often myself, even if my doctors are less than enthusiastic about my sharing the results. And I know I should eat less carbs and exercise more. They'd all tell me that.
There is a comprehensive diabetes center somewhere in the area, I think. But I don't think it's on my insurance list. It's been a while since I looked into it and I don't even know if they still exist.
I don't disagree about Risperdal either. I'm off it for the moment again. I only take it as needed. But my blood sugars do tend to go up when I take it consistently for even a short period. But those are also the times when I'm really stressed, and I know stress plays a role in blood sugar. And it seems like the lesser evil when I feel like I'm in danger of, at the least, dissolving into a puddle of anxiety.
I'm rarely aggressive about pursuing these things. I guess I should try to be. And I really am a hypochondriac. :) Or rather, I should say I somaticize. I always have.
Thanks, Twinleaf. I do appreciate it. I'm just not quite sure what it's possible to do.
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