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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by gazo on April 10, 2007, at 5:21:47
i am just checking in. i cant stick around right now. i'm not strong enough. Thank you to those who mailed me. It helpd.
i did go see my T. he had called and was worried. he wanted to make sure i wouldn't end up dead. we talked about my thoughts of suicide and how close i had gotten before, and where i was at now.
He didn't want to push his luck on any of the other stuff. i don't know how useful it was. i have been in a bad headspace for a few days so it ended up being crisis management.
the good news is that i think i picked the best T for me. i'll post about that sometime.. right now i am too fried.
Posted by scentedgarden on April 10, 2007, at 5:46:18
In reply to update *possible triggers*, posted by gazo on April 10, 2007, at 5:21:47
Posted by madeline on April 10, 2007, at 6:33:16
In reply to update *possible triggers*, posted by gazo on April 10, 2007, at 5:21:47
I'm sorry you are in a bad space right now. I think all of us understand.
It's really cool that you went to your T anyway. I hope it works out for you. You deserve some peace.
Take good good care.
Maddie
Posted by Happyflower on April 10, 2007, at 8:49:36
In reply to Re: update *possible triggers* » gazo, posted by madeline on April 10, 2007, at 6:33:16
Hi Gazo,
I am glad you went to see your T and it seems like he might work for you. I am so sorry you are going through such pain right now. But keep trying okay? Remember you are awesome and can do this! ;-)
Posted by Dinah on April 10, 2007, at 9:10:31
In reply to update *possible triggers*, posted by gazo on April 10, 2007, at 5:21:47
I'm glad he's the right therapist for you. The right therapist can really help ease one over the rough patches.
Posted by muffled on April 10, 2007, at 11:11:41
In reply to update *possible triggers*, posted by gazo on April 10, 2007, at 5:21:47
Gazo, you are a delight. That is SO good of you to check in. I'm glad your still with us. You have alot of good in you and much to offer others. I am so glad that this T seems he may be good. Try and remember , as you get better, these crisises will get further between, and mebbe hopefully a little less intense,and certainly less painful as you improve. I have improved TONS. But i still fall back now and again, but never for as long, and thats good.
Take care.
Muffled
Posted by gazo on April 10, 2007, at 17:45:04
In reply to Thank you Gazo » gazo, posted by muffled on April 10, 2007, at 11:11:41
muffled..? are you IWS? i missed something didn't i?
thanks guys. i haven't been here long but you guys are important to me right now. in the past few weeks i came here when i was climbing the walls.
i'm not all there right now.. shaky.
i have a "situation" developing that i can't do anything about. i can't stop it or prevent it. It has to happen and it's out of my hands. It's that situation that is driving me insane right now. i can't sleep and when i do i have nightmares. i wake up with tension headaches. i have lost weight. i pace.
i have to say i am impressed with my T. i told him not to push me or i would just lie anyway and he said he'd figured as much. He really did push to know how at risk i was and i promised i would not end up dead before he saw me again. i wouldn't promise anything else.
i stared at my hands in my lap the whole appt. It was hard to talk. words went away.
he switched my appointments to weekly. i'm just going to have to figure it out... and as of a week from today i don't have a job anymore. :o(
he explained to me what his policies about calls are... so now i have that as a resource.
unfortunately.. i left his office @3pm... and was completley drunk before 6pm. i don't drink everyday and for a long time i rarely drank. Now though i just can't take the pressure.. i'd do anything to escape it. i figure better drunk than dead...
my life is pathetic. i am not entirely sure why i am alive at all. i almost died once years ago. not sure why i survived. i don't have many friends. My family lives very far away and i rarely see them. who would care?
i often wonder how long i would be missing before anyone would even notice. yes, my life is really that sad.
don't worry. i made a promise. Promises are very important to me. i will get by. i am just not feeling very good right now.
thanks to everyone for the love.
Posted by PhytoEstrogen on April 10, 2007, at 18:23:36
In reply to thanks guys, : / ***triggers***, posted by gazo on April 10, 2007, at 17:45:04
> thanks guys. i haven't been here long but you guys are important to me right now. in the past few weeks i came here when i was climbing the walls.
>> i'm not all there right now.. shaky.
do you do any psychopharmacology? This might be a good time to get you on a good medication regimen to get you through these terrible times. If you ARE on a medication regimen, please tell your doctor about your feelings. You don't have to feel this way. Medication and Therapy can help.
> i have a "situation" developing that i can't do anything about. i can't stop it or prevent it. It has to happen and it's out of my hands. It's that situation that is driving me insane right now. i can't sleep and when i do i have nightmares. i wake up with tension headaches. i have lost weight. i pace.
>Sounds like me :(
> i have to say i am impressed with my T. i told him not to push me or i would just lie anyway and he said he'd figured as much. He really did push to know how at risk i was and i promised i would not end up dead before he saw me again. i wouldn't promise anything else.
And you're a good client to tell him what you need from him right now. I was never good at doing that.
> i stared at my hands in my lap the whole appt. It was hard to talk. words went away.
Don't forget- depression and other illnesses have cogntive components too. It can affect your concentration, your memory, your face recognition, your sense of smell. Don't be too hard on yourself. You went. You got yourself there in one piece and came back to tell us too. That is very strong of you.
> he switched my appointments to weekly. i'm just going to have to figure it out... and as of a week from today i don't have a job anymore. :o(
>You always have a job. The job is to be Gazo. Sometimes you get paid to be you, sometimes you don't. You'll make it through this.
> he explained to me what his policies about calls are... so now i have that as a resource.
>oh good. resources are good. be greedy with self-care resources right now. hoard them. chocolate. craft projects. babble. it's all okay. there is nothing that makes you feel good that is wrong. Just try to be a little selective about what actually makes you feel GOOD and what merely makes you feel "different" or "numb".
> unfortunately.. i left his office @3pm... and was completley drunk before 6pm. i don't drink everyday and for a long time i rarely drank. Now though i just can't take the pressure.. i'd do anything to escape it. i figure better drunk than dead...
Alcohol is powerful medicine. it makes you feel "different" helps shut down a lot of the anxiety. but what's left in its wake is a depression that is more profound than when you started to drink in the first place. I've been there. I was never alcoholic, but I self-medicated. This is another indication to me that perhaps you might benefit from prescribed medication. It's cheaper and has fewer side effects than alcohol.
>
> my life is pathetic. i am not entirely sure why i am alive at all. i almost died once years ago. not sure why i survived. i don't have many friends. My family lives very far away and i rarely see them. who would care?
>whoever is telling you that your life is pathetic is a liar. You'll learn to ignore that voice. That voice will only lead you to self-destruction. That's what the voice wants.
You don't need many friends. Not right now. You need people who want to understand you. Babble-folks can help support you. When you're ready you'll tell your real-life friends. And you may even be surprised that it enriches your relationships. Good friends are there in thick and thin places.
> i often wonder how long i would be missing before anyone would even notice. yes, my life is really that sad.
>I'm so sorry that you're hurting right now. The most important thing is to keep Gazo safe. If you need to post every hour on babble to help cope, DO IT. you'd be missed if you did anything to hurt yourself. I have hardly ever posted to you (is this the first time?) and it's true. I'm not lying. I'd MISS you if you went away. I really would. Your name, your struggles. I identify with them, because I've felt similar things in the past, and recent past and maybe even today. who knows?
> don't worry. i made a promise. Promises are very important to me. i will get by. i am just not feeling very good right now.
>We'll worry because we care.
> thanks to everyone for the love.
Thank YOU for reading my reply to you. sorry it was so long,
:P
Posted by gazo on April 10, 2007, at 19:01:16
In reply to Re: thanks guys, : / ***triggers*** » gazo, posted by PhytoEstrogen on April 10, 2007, at 18:23:36
No, PE, this was not the first time... the first time i snapped at you.. sorry about that. You seem pretty funny, and you have a good heart. And long replies are ok because then i am still occupied.
ok.. i am on medication. i have BPII and have been on meds under a pdoc for 10yrs. i do ok in the larger sense. But i have rapid cycling BP and it gives me trouble, hard to fine tune and i struggle when stressed.
i see my pdoc tomorrow. He knows the whole story. He knows how bad i get.
for me these times are like a mental blitz and hang over.
> Sounds like me :(
i am sorry PE. it sucks to be tied to the railway tracks.
> And you're a good client to tell him what you need from him right now. I was never good at doing that.
i am at a point where it's life and death. i cannot be like this and repeat these patterns anymore. It has been therapy or die. it gets to be motivating.
> Don't forget- depression and other illnesses have cogntive components too. It can affect your concentration, your memory, your face recognition, your sense of smell.you don't say ;o) i'm sorry, that just struck me funny all things considered. i don't know what you know about BP.. but when i am up the whole world changes... food tastes better and colours are richer.. everything changes. When i am down the opposite happens. what pushes me is the jolt from one to the other.
>Don't be too hard on yourself. You went. You got yourself there in one piece and came back to tell us too. That is very strong of you.
TY PE :o)
> You always have a job. The job is to be Gazo. Sometimes you get paid to be you, sometimes you don't. You'll make it through this.
well... what i mean is that without pay i won't be able to keep seeing him. i need a paying job for that.
>
> oh good. resources are good. be greedy with self-care resources right now. hoard them. chocolate. craft projects. babble. it's all okay. there is nothing that makes you feel good that is wrong. Just try to be a little selective about what actually makes you feel GOOD and what merely makes you feel "different" or "numb".you are a whacky person. i like that.
see again... you gotta take the BP thing in here. Telling a BP to do what feels good is a little risky. Cuz if i hit that ramp there ain't no stoppin. Yup, it all becomes good. Indiscriminant sex, drugs, you name it. And because i am "up" at the time, it does feel good because everything feels good.
>
> Alcohol is powerful medicine. it makes you feel "different" helps shut down a lot of the anxiety. but what's left in its wake is a depression that is more profound than when you started to drink in the first place. I've been there. I was never alcoholic, but I self-medicated. This is another indication to me that perhaps you might benefit from prescribed medication. It's cheaper and has fewer side effects than alcohol.my meds are free so you're right about that. alcohol is not a good coping mechanism, but it is A coping mechanism... which means i am still bothering to attempt to cope. If i was trying to just feel different i'd stop the meds. then the fun would really start.
meds for me really are a balancing act. That's the nature of the condition i have. They make having a regular life more of a possibility, but my life will always be a tightrope. But i am used to that to some degree. Right now the external pressures are beyond what my meds can do. My pdoc fits me in... in fact, i can just show up and he will put me in... but he and i both know there isn't much meds can do right now. Something in my life has got to give.
> I'm so sorry that you're hurting right now. The most important thing is to keep Gazo safe.
thank you PE for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply. That matters. i am keeping as safe as i know how. i have reverted to old habits and i drink too much. But believe me, that is keeping me safer right now. Speaking of which.. my glass is empty again.
This is the end of the thread.
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