Posted by gazo on April 10, 2007, at 19:01:16
In reply to Re: thanks guys, : / ***triggers*** » gazo, posted by PhytoEstrogen on April 10, 2007, at 18:23:36
No, PE, this was not the first time... the first time i snapped at you.. sorry about that. You seem pretty funny, and you have a good heart. And long replies are ok because then i am still occupied.
ok.. i am on medication. i have BPII and have been on meds under a pdoc for 10yrs. i do ok in the larger sense. But i have rapid cycling BP and it gives me trouble, hard to fine tune and i struggle when stressed.
i see my pdoc tomorrow. He knows the whole story. He knows how bad i get.
for me these times are like a mental blitz and hang over.
> Sounds like me :(
i am sorry PE. it sucks to be tied to the railway tracks.
> And you're a good client to tell him what you need from him right now. I was never good at doing that.
i am at a point where it's life and death. i cannot be like this and repeat these patterns anymore. It has been therapy or die. it gets to be motivating.
> Don't forget- depression and other illnesses have cogntive components too. It can affect your concentration, your memory, your face recognition, your sense of smell.you don't say ;o) i'm sorry, that just struck me funny all things considered. i don't know what you know about BP.. but when i am up the whole world changes... food tastes better and colours are richer.. everything changes. When i am down the opposite happens. what pushes me is the jolt from one to the other.
>Don't be too hard on yourself. You went. You got yourself there in one piece and came back to tell us too. That is very strong of you.
TY PE :o)
> You always have a job. The job is to be Gazo. Sometimes you get paid to be you, sometimes you don't. You'll make it through this.
well... what i mean is that without pay i won't be able to keep seeing him. i need a paying job for that.
>
> oh good. resources are good. be greedy with self-care resources right now. hoard them. chocolate. craft projects. babble. it's all okay. there is nothing that makes you feel good that is wrong. Just try to be a little selective about what actually makes you feel GOOD and what merely makes you feel "different" or "numb".you are a whacky person. i like that.
see again... you gotta take the BP thing in here. Telling a BP to do what feels good is a little risky. Cuz if i hit that ramp there ain't no stoppin. Yup, it all becomes good. Indiscriminant sex, drugs, you name it. And because i am "up" at the time, it does feel good because everything feels good.
>
> Alcohol is powerful medicine. it makes you feel "different" helps shut down a lot of the anxiety. but what's left in its wake is a depression that is more profound than when you started to drink in the first place. I've been there. I was never alcoholic, but I self-medicated. This is another indication to me that perhaps you might benefit from prescribed medication. It's cheaper and has fewer side effects than alcohol.my meds are free so you're right about that. alcohol is not a good coping mechanism, but it is A coping mechanism... which means i am still bothering to attempt to cope. If i was trying to just feel different i'd stop the meds. then the fun would really start.
meds for me really are a balancing act. That's the nature of the condition i have. They make having a regular life more of a possibility, but my life will always be a tightrope. But i am used to that to some degree. Right now the external pressures are beyond what my meds can do. My pdoc fits me in... in fact, i can just show up and he will put me in... but he and i both know there isn't much meds can do right now. Something in my life has got to give.
> I'm so sorry that you're hurting right now. The most important thing is to keep Gazo safe.
thank you PE for taking the time to write such a thoughtful reply. That matters. i am keeping as safe as i know how. i have reverted to old habits and i drink too much. But believe me, that is keeping me safer right now. Speaking of which.. my glass is empty again.
poster:gazo
thread:748674
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070406/msgs/748858.html