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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on November 27, 2005, at 15:11:03
Well, I told him lots today, because he kept giving me openings, but I brought up the fact that I realized that I was avoiding talking about the problem of body image with him.
I didn't really want to discuss it today, so we only talked about it in terms of the fact that it came to mind while I was talking to him about the fact that I found it difficult to show anger in front of him and was more comfortable with sadness. I think the connection is that in both cases, I want him to see me a certain way, and I dislike bringing up things that might jeopardize that. In the former case, I don't want him to see me as a bad (angry) girl. And in the latter case, I don't want him to see me as someone with any body whatsoever, much less this one.
I mentioned that most of us with this difficulty had male therapists, but we had different theories as to why. I just thought that body image was such an intimate topic, more intimate than sex itself, that it was difficult to talk about with a person of the opposite sex. Which I think is true. I choose female gynecologists because they see parts of me I'd rather a man not see. And I might ask a female friendly acquaintance if a pair of pants made my bottom look big, but I wouldn't dream of asking a male friendly acquaintance. My therapist thought that those of us with body image problems might be more likely to choose a male therapist to obtain positive regard from a man. I think he's off there. I like men because I feel safer with them, and only if they don't see me as a person with a body.
I also told him that the board consensus was that he needed to find himself a therapist (he smiled in an agreeing sort of way - and he had given me an opening, I didn't blurt it).
And I told him that I think I was indeed more careful about showing anger to him since the hurricane than before (although it was always an issue), and that it wasn't just because there was more anger on my part. But that I also saw him as being a wreck and I didn't want to burden him. He sort of gave me an opening on that one too.
So it seemed like a wasted session in some ways, but at least I got stuff out on the table.
Posted by annierose on November 27, 2005, at 16:52:28
In reply to Ok, fellow club members. I told him., posted by Dinah on November 27, 2005, at 15:11:03
It doesn't sound like a wasted session at all, at least from my reading of your "notes".
Getting all that out on the table is huge.
Sounds more than productive.How did the midweek phone call go last week?
Posted by Dinah on November 27, 2005, at 17:13:17
In reply to Re: Ok, fellow club members. I told him. » Dinah, posted by annierose on November 27, 2005, at 16:52:28
I guess it felt nonproductive because we didn't really get anywhere on anything. I just put it on the table and left it there.
And I left feeling stirred up and rotten instead of magically calm. :(
My midweek call did help me stay connected, and may have helped him as well.
But I think next time I need to at least go into the other room. This one I took in bed in my jammies when I had just woken up. It felt too much like those calls you have as a teen. Too informal and too much fun. I'll move it to my study to make it more formal.
Posted by annierose on November 27, 2005, at 17:23:26
In reply to Re: Ok, fellow club members. I told him. » annierose, posted by Dinah on November 27, 2005, at 17:13:17
Yes, I know that magically calm feeling too. It's so wonderful ... like my world is whole again.
And I hate that stirred up and no place go to digest the feelings too.
I like the image of taking your midweek call in your pj's ... maybe it was a little too cozy? But I'm glad it seemed to do the trick as far as connection goes.
My T has been on vacation all week, and I'm hoping I make my appointment tomorrow. I've been home sick with the stomach flu (?) and spent 90% of the day on the couch groaning and moaning. But I've turned the corner, I think.
Posted by sleepygirl on November 27, 2005, at 21:06:36
In reply to Ok, fellow club members. I told him., posted by Dinah on November 27, 2005, at 15:11:03
Well at least it's out there, since it's something you had trouble bringing up, now maybe you can make some progress with the issue. I relate to this one too.
Posted by Dinah on November 28, 2005, at 9:36:54
In reply to Re: Ok, fellow club members. I told him. » Dinah, posted by annierose on November 27, 2005, at 17:23:26
(((Annierose)))
That sounds like a miserable weekend.
I hope you were able to make it to therapy today!
Posted by Dinah on November 28, 2005, at 9:42:42
In reply to Re: Ok, fellow club members. I told him. » Dinah, posted by sleepygirl on November 27, 2005, at 21:06:36
It seems like my posts always come out revealing more of my therapist than I should, or sounding critical or something. And I'm really trying hard to rebuild this therapeutic relationship, and I think he is too.
I guess at least he knows. Because I did say that Babble thought he ought to find a therapist to deal with the Katrina stress, so that clearly implies that I've mentioned that he's stressed, right?
I just feel sort of bad about talking about someone else's problem. Although I suppose it's a pretty generic problem down here...
And I don't mean to be critical of him. I think I've probably given everyone the wrong idea about him.
Posted by caraher on November 28, 2005, at 10:23:37
In reply to I'm sure having a lot of poster's regret lately, posted by Dinah on November 28, 2005, at 9:42:42
> And I don't mean to be critical of him. I think I've probably given everyone the wrong idea about him.
I haven't read all your previous posts but I don't get the impression that you're unfairly critical of him. Each T is human and can be subject to just criticism as any of us can.
It did sound like your session was much mre productive than you thought. If you leave feeling unsettled that proves you brought up important issues - ones that probably won't be "resolved" in one session.
Regarding body image, while I wouldn't go so far as to say men are blind to flaws or more likely to provide affirmations I do think that in general the most critical eyes are often women's. Usually women are their own harshest critics, and over the years my sisters, wife, and female friends have noticed and remarked on far more flaws in other women's appearance than I've ever noticed (let alone voiced!). So I can see why your T might be inclined to imagine that a male T might be a better source for positive words about your body, even if you don't see it that way.
Posted by happyflower on November 28, 2005, at 10:29:40
In reply to I'm sure having a lot of poster's regret lately, posted by Dinah on November 28, 2005, at 9:42:42
Posted by Shortelise on November 28, 2005, at 12:08:22
In reply to I'm sure having a lot of poster's regret lately, posted by Dinah on November 28, 2005, at 9:42:42
Hey Dinah,
The two of you are exploring a territory few clients do with their T's. I just really feel for him, and fo you obviously. I do not think he's nuts or a terrible T. Better that he let you see that he too is affected by the disaster that both of you experienced than for him to try to hide it. I think the guy is doing his best, and his best seems pretty good, to me. And I think you're both brave, working as hard as you are to keep a strong connection strong.
As for the body image revelations, oh, Dinah, I am full of admiration for you (and I hold a lot!) Maybe I can do the same? I just feel so much shame, I am so embarrassed. I feel inferior because I love food and indulge in it. I am afraid he will be disgusted with me. Argh. A whole new can 'o worms. Would babble stand by me through it?
Your full of admiration Babble friend,
ShortE
Posted by Dinah on November 28, 2005, at 12:49:54
In reply to Re: I'm sure having a lot of poster's regret lately » Dinah, posted by Shortelise on November 28, 2005, at 12:08:22
These certainly are unusual times. I guess he realizes that. He really loved the printout of the good wishes you guys sent him a while back, so he must not mind overmuch. I hope.
I think you could do it. And *of course* Babble would stand by you. I certainly would.
If it helps you any, my therapist didn't seem to be have any negative reactions to my talking to him, what little talking we did. His main concern was that I was afraid to talk about it with him. I guess I should admit that he's not thin himself, and his weight obviously fluctuates with his mood. But I don't think that makes a big difference if someone's a therapist. I doubt they'd be judgemental.
I still think it will be hard to discuss the specifics, and I'm not even sure what the specifics are precisely. I know that part of why I hate my body is because it's hateable. I'm not only revoltingly fat, but I look like my mother. :( I guess that's a part of it, too. And I think we have talked about that some. My body also seems so unlike what I see myself as, that I hate my body for not looking like my idea of what I look like. The unfamiliarity and strangeness bothers me. But what I really don't want to do is to discuss the weight part, or anything below the neck, because I don't want him looking below the neck. It doesn't matter if he finds me repellant or not. I just don't want him noticing that I *have* a below the neck. It's not going to be easy.
And I'm not sure what the result is supposed to be? Am I supposed to learn to accept myself as I am? Or am I supposed to learn to change it?
Sigh.
Posted by Dinah on November 28, 2005, at 13:04:01
In reply to Re: I'm sure having a lot of poster's regret latel, posted by caraher on November 28, 2005, at 10:23:37
I guess in that sense it was productive. Maybe it just wasn't satisfying. :)
I'm not entirely sure that it matters whether my therapist finds my body repulsive or not. I just don't want him to notice it. Sigh.
Believe it or not, my husband finds me attractive no matter what shape I'm in. So I'm not really lacking in positive regard from at least one man for my body. It's actually a bit astonishing to me, and it's a very positive quality that my husband has.
But then I've long suspected that one reason I gain weight is to become "invisible". Many people's eyes tend to go right past the overweight and unattractive.
This is the end of the thread.
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