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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by fallsfall on June 16, 2005, at 14:06:19
In reply to I'm afraid but I'm also afraid to post about it, posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 10:46:18
Is your emotional side leaving or being pushed aside by your rational side? I almost get the impression that she's saying "Well, noone around here wants me to be here, so I'll just go away". This is different from other times when your rational side has said "There is not room for you to be here because I'm taking up all the space". But I could be completely wrong.
I guess the question is "who is stifling emotional you?"
Maybe as your rational side gains strength, you need to find a way to keep your emotional side involved - purposefully. So you can stay more balanced?
Posted by daisym on June 16, 2005, at 14:19:57
In reply to I'm afraid but I'm also afraid to post about it, posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 10:46:18
I think your emotional side is wounded and hiding. You are forcing "growth" (for lack of a better word) on her and it feels like it is happening very fast. I think she might feel threatened that 'you' are willing, at some point, to give up 'her' safety -- your therapist. And I think change will feel different, not worse or better, just different.
I don't have much insight to the sudden apathy, I'm sort of struggling with it around therapy myself. You suggested anger to me, is that a possibility for you as well? Could you be angry that he isn't showing more support for school? Or, perhaps your emotional side got scared from the really hard work you were doing a few weeks ago and this is her pulling back.
I know you know this, but trying to sort it out, here and in therapy, is a quicker way to understand it. I don't want you to go away. I still need your emotional support. You help me understand and accept myself in parts and pieces. I wish I could lend you the talisman to hang on to for awhile. I know it helps me.
Posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 18:00:53
In reply to Re: I'm afraid but I'm also afraid to post about it » Dinah, posted by cricket on June 16, 2005, at 11:38:13
> Did you ever think of letting the two sides have a conversation on paper? Why does the rational feel like there's no room for the emotional side? I think in many ways the world values our rational sides more so as you say we feel happier and more productive when that side is in charge.
I can't actually do the paper writing, but I can and do converse in other ways.
>
> Does any of this make sense to you? I know that I'm far along on the dissociative spectrum so for me to think of opposing sides of myself with conflicting wants and needs is completely normal to me, but may sound like nonsense to someone else.
>
>
No, it doesn't sound like nonsense. I'm far enough along the dissociative spectrum that it sounds perfectly normal to me.Part of me feels disconnected, apathetic, and very sad, while part of me feels energized at the prospect of going back to school and becoming a better employee. :(
Posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 18:41:26
In reply to Re: I'm afraid but I'm also afraid to post about it, posted by anastasia56 on June 16, 2005, at 12:07:27
My therapist asked me if he thought it went in ten year cycles. I told him I wasn't that old!! He said that at least he made me laugh.
I'm trying to decide whether or not he was serious.
It just hasn't happened enough for me to tell. And it may not happen at all. I just need to find some way to stop it.
Posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 18:44:22
In reply to can you elaborate more?? » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on June 16, 2005, at 13:35:57
The part of me that feels and cares seems to be getting weaker. I don't seem to care about my therapist, I'm feeling distant from Babble, all the connections that tie me to this world seem weak.
But the rational intellectual side of me feels stronger than it has for years. Excited about the idea of starting school. Determined to become better organized and a better employee.
There are people who might see that as a good thing. I don't. :( I remember what it felt like to be disconnected.
Posted by pinkeye on June 16, 2005, at 18:47:54
In reply to Re: can you elaborate more?? » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 18:44:22
I have been feeling the same in the past couple of weeks.
Maybe somehow you reached the end of your emotional growth?
I also feel like I have stopped being emotional and caring and feeling. I also feel like I don't have any connection to my ex T or my current T or to babblers. For me, I think some part of me recongized that it is as much as I can do emotionally and it is time to get back to my logical mind.
Posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 18:49:53
In reply to Re: I'm afraid but I'm also afraid to post about it » Dinah, posted by fallsfall on June 16, 2005, at 14:06:19
No, it's definitely a case of my rational side feeling strong and happy and excited about life. And there just not much room left for anything else.
And the proposed course of action, going back to school, will not only be something that will strengthen my rational/intellectual side, but will also directly weaken my emotional connections by leaving less time available for Babble and for therapy.
And my emotional side is feeling so weak that I can't really remember why I care.
Actually, today my rational side didn't feel all that excited or happy. That was largely because of a migraine, but maybe it's a good sign that all is not lost.
Posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 18:50:45
In reply to interesting.. » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on June 16, 2005, at 18:47:54
Why would that be a good thing?
Posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 18:53:35
In reply to Re: I'm afraid but I'm also afraid to post about it » Dinah, posted by daisym on June 16, 2005, at 14:19:57
I think I'm angry right now. Because he's not giving me anything to grab on to. He's so contained that all there is is slippery plastic to grab on to.
I need him to extend a hand and help me hold on.
I see your therapist doing that all the time.
Mine doesn't. :((((
Maybe picking a fight with him isn't that bad an idea. Or throwing a temper tantrum. Anything to grab on to something.
Posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 18:56:15
In reply to Re: I'm afraid but I'm also afraid to post about i » daisym, posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 18:53:35
For the first time in ages, I was awake this morning at four am with SI urges.
Well, it's not the first time I was awake. That's been happening since I dropped the Depakote. My sleep pattern's back to what it used to be.
SI urges and temper tantrums used to be the only way my emotional self could speak, being so isolated.
Posted by pinkeye on June 16, 2005, at 19:07:39
In reply to interesting.. » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on June 16, 2005, at 18:47:54
I am not sure if that is a good thing. But that is definitely less painful - to not care and not get attached and not be emotional.
The other way is just too messy and painful. Maybe some part of you decided the same thing.
Posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 19:09:30
In reply to Not sure if it is a good thing » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on June 16, 2005, at 19:07:39
But that's the thing. There was no mess and no pain. I was in a really good place with everything emotional.
Maybe that didn't leave enough energy...
Posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 19:11:04
In reply to Not sure if it is a good thing » pinkeye, posted by pinkeye on June 16, 2005, at 19:07:39
And I'm positive it's not a good thing.
Not even my emotional divorces, which usually happen for very good reasons. Still, I mourn the loss of any connection.
It's connections that make me feel fully human.
Posted by pinkeye on June 16, 2005, at 19:13:00
In reply to Re: Not sure if it is a good thing » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 19:09:30
Sometimes I have felt I have a very deep unconscious desire to hurt and not be happy. I like hurting because I am used to it from childhood and it feels comfortable and though it is bad, I feel like it is something I have known all my life. Sometimes when I am happy, I get very agitated and want to go back to hurting. Maybe this sounds crazy, but it happens.
Something like that happened possibly to you? I don't know really, I am just throwing out ideas. Or maybe you were artificially happy.
Posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 19:15:53
In reply to Re: Not sure if it is a good thing » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on June 16, 2005, at 19:13:00
The artificial happiness comes from my rational side. "She who is as she should be". My "as if" front with delusions of being real. :)
Genuine happiness comes from my most primitive archaic emotional self.
Posted by Aphrodite on June 16, 2005, at 19:16:22
In reply to Continued, but with trigger, posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 18:56:15
> For the first time in ages, I was awake this morning at four am with SI urges.
>
> Well, it's not the first time I was awake. That's been happening since I dropped the Depakote. My sleep pattern's back to what it used to be.
>
> SI urges and temper tantrums used to be the only way my emotional self could speak, being so isolated.It definitely sounds like your emotional side went into full rebellion about being ignored and exiled. I'm not familiar with Depakote -- what is it, and how does it affect your sleep? Why don't you take it now -- sorry if I missed that part somewhere. Could you be going through a med readjustment in addition to readjusting to a strong rational side?
What does your T say about integrating those two parts so that they don't have totally contradicting agendas? I have tried integration for a long time now but with little success. Those splits are there for a reason, as I'm sure you know.
Is there any way to ask your T to throw your emotional side a lifeline when he sees that you are rationally strong? My T has me divided similarly, except more parts. The domineering side is a cynical one, and when that part is in full mode, he tells me to be quiet and that he only cares to speak for the wounded parts. He really advocates for those young, emotional parts, and I'm always so grateful because they cannot fight my cynic. And your emotional side can't compete with a jolly, excited intellectual Dinah.
Please take care, and call your T about those urges. Stay safe.
(((Dinah)))
Posted by pinkeye on June 16, 2005, at 19:17:23
In reply to Re: Not sure if it is a good thing » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 19:15:53
Same for me too.. but I think this authentic happiness is not achievable most of the times. So we have to fake this kind of artificial, mind controlled happiness. That is what most people seem to do. I think that is what is possible, and when we aim for this authentic happiness, we get depressed.
Posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 19:24:38
In reply to Re: Continued, but with trigger » Dinah, posted by Aphrodite on June 16, 2005, at 19:16:22
I called but I didn't leave a message. I'll see him tomorrow. I'm not feeling really confident right now that he can help me. In any way at all.
He isn't able to reach out too much. He's just too laid back and self contained. Ordinarily I like that. But right now I need something different. And yes, I told him that. But I don't think he can do anything differently. And if he tried, he probably would feel uncomfortable, and it wouldn't likely be what I needed anyway.
I think I need him to grab me by the scruff of the neck (metaphorically speaking), shake me and tell me to fight. Lend me some energy. But I don't think he can.
I've never understood the appeal of integration, or even cooperation. :)
Posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 19:26:49
In reply to Re: Not sure if it is a good thing » Dinah, posted by pinkeye on June 16, 2005, at 19:17:23
I think if I quit aiming, I just as well lay down and die. The sort of superficial life I led before, where "ok" and "upset" were the only two emotions I could recognize, wasn't worth living.
Posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 19:34:13
In reply to Re: Not sure if it is a good thing » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 19:26:49
Posted by pinkeye on June 16, 2005, at 19:47:34
In reply to Re: Not sure if it is a good thing » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 19:26:49
I also feel that sometimes. BUt sometimes I feel like giving it all up
Posted by littleone on June 16, 2005, at 21:15:10
In reply to I'm afraid but I'm also afraid to post about it, posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 10:46:18
I had been wondering if there was more going on with you than you'd let on. You just haven't been yourself since the babble party. I'm glad you posted about it.
I can understand your fear about letting the rational side take over. And as bad as si'ing is, I'm still glad that your emotional side isn't going without a fight. That it still wants to be heard.
I know your rational/emotional states are different to mine, so I'm not sure how relevant this is. But I know that for me, dissociating and being overly rational are sometimes linked. Like I use being rational as a way to cut off and compartmentalise my emotional parts. I just close off my emotional side.
If you think that sort of thing is partly at play, perhaps you could look up some sites/books about grounding techniques. To be honest I can't really recall any off the top of my head, but I would try to go for less thinking and more feelings ones. I think one is to close you eyes and sit for a few minutes and be aware of everything you can hear or everything you can smell, etc.
The other thing is to try to find ways to reconnect to your emotional side. I found drawing very helpful for this. I especially found that when I started to do 2 or 3 drawings a day, I started to stay in that younger more emotional state for a lot longer. I know you've talked before about playing with your barbies, would that help? Playing with your puppies a lot may help too.
I hope this helps just a little. I've missed you lately.
Posted by Jazzed on June 16, 2005, at 23:09:15
In reply to Re: can you elaborate more?? » pinkeye, posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 18:44:22
> But the rational intellectual side of me feels stronger than it has for years. Excited about the idea of starting school. Determined to become better organized and a better employee.Hi Dinah,
Is the feeling of losing the emotional self related to stopping the Depakote? I don't know because I've never taken it. Are you off of it now? What does your T say about your feelings, and about the Depakote issue?
Is it possible that your intellectual side is trying to disconnect from your current issues, to make new connections that are more in line with going back to school? Do you feel that the two are so incompatible that they can't both be alive at the same time? Being in therapy and Babble can take a lot of time, but school will take a lot of time too. If you're doing both and working you could be overwhelmed. So, could this be defensive?
I hate to see you feel so disconnected Dinah. I know how important going back to school is to you, and how much you have to offer. I hope you can get this worked out, so that you can be completely happy with your decision.
Jazzy
Posted by Jazzed on June 16, 2005, at 23:13:58
In reply to Re: I'm afraid but I'm also afraid to post about i » daisym, posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 18:53:35
> I think I'm angry right now. Because he's not giving me anything to grab on to. He's so contained that all there is is slippery plastic to grab on to.
Is it possible he's doing this because he realizes how conflicted you are, and if he extends a hand, that you'll reach out, grab on, stay with therapy and NOT go back to school?
Why don't you ask him why he isn't giving you anything to grab onto? Tell him how angry you're feeling.
Jazzy
Posted by Jazzed on June 16, 2005, at 23:18:02
In reply to Continued, but with trigger, posted by Dinah on June 16, 2005, at 18:56:15
>
> SI urges and temper tantrums used to be the only way my emotional self could speak, being so isolated.I think you need to tell your T how angry all of this is making you, and that you have these urges. Sound as though somewhere you feel as though you are being pushed away by your T, and you want to get his attention in a big way. I could be wrong, and I'm not trying to make you angry, but this was just my initial reaction. It's what I would do too. I have trouble expressing these kinds of things in words, so I use actions.
Jazzy
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