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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on May 16, 2005, at 11:27:05
Friday i finally said what i never even said to myself, and i'm ready to bring it out here.
i talked about some of the sexual things i was 'made' to do. by...a relative. not an adult (so it's not really CSA). but the threats were there, of how bad i was that i deserved the spankings and with the sexual things, that's what 'little sisters were supposed to do, i was supposed to do EXACTLY as he told or ELSE (and my parents confirmed it when i'd ask -do i have to do as xxx says? -everytime mother replied 'Yes, you MUST listen to him'.
the times they pinned me down while i cried as they did things, things that scared me, that hurt me physically.
and now...i feel worse that it's out to my T. he said it's common that it happens. he was polite and said he in no way meant to 'dismiss' what i'd just said but that it happens a lot.
so now i'm left wondering, so was that normal? all that pain and fear i had, was i supposed to have that? was it ok what he (they) did?
i don't understand.
if it happens all the time does that mean that my feelings about it are all messed up?now i feel like my dirty little secret is out and i feel humiliated, sickened, disgusting, worthless, stupid and most of all, weak. i can't stand living with this secret out, i want to take it back.
i took a handful of pills this weekened and knocked me out for about 24hours. i guess i'm lucky it didn't do worse....or am i. :(
feeling really bad again.
b2c.
Posted by gardenergirl on May 16, 2005, at 11:46:36
In reply to it's out and i feel worse. ****BIG TRIGGER****, posted by B2chica on May 16, 2005, at 11:27:05
Your feelings are absolutely valid. I think perhaps your T was trying to help you feel comfortable about talking about it by saying it happens a lot. Perhaps he wanted you to feel that you are not strange or abnormal? At any rate, it sounds like his comment failed to achieve what he was hoping for.
But your feelings about what happened to you are OKAY. You were hurt, confused, and helpless. And no one is ever ever supposed to hurt a child. EVER. It's abuse, regardless of who does it.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm so proud of you for talking about it. It's no shame for you that it happened. It's not your fault. It's okay to talk about as much as you are comfortable.
((((B2Chica))))
gg
Posted by happyflower on May 16, 2005, at 12:18:39
In reply to Re: it's out and i feel worse. ****BIG TRIGGER**** » B2chica, posted by gardenergirl on May 16, 2005, at 11:46:36
(((((((B2))))) You must be going through so much pain right now. Admitting this happened is almost as bad as what happened in a way. My T always says "throwing up" the past always burns more coming back up than it did going down. You have made a step in the right direction I think. Admitting my abuse was so hard for me, but now I know I needed to do it in order to feel better. You might feel like crap right now, but hopefully you will feel better. Letting all that abuse inside of you was destroying you. Now that it is out, I hope peace will soon come to you. I am proud of you for admitting this to your T. I bet your T sees it as a breakthrough. You are strong and you can get through this! I believe in you.
Posted by Shortelise on May 16, 2005, at 12:34:55
In reply to it's out and i feel worse. ****BIG TRIGGER****, posted by B2chica on May 16, 2005, at 11:27:05
My T has said before that something is common, and I felt the same way, like oh, then I am supposed to be ok with it???
There's not much I can add to what gg said. No, it was not ok for anyone to hurt you. No, you should not expect yourself to be "ok" with it.
I am sorry for your shame. It's bad enough that you were hurt back then, butto have to carry shame about it is, to me, the very worst. Why, Chica, why oh why should you feel shame for something you could not control?? That too is so common. We carry this shame around, at times a heavier burden than the secret.
May I make a suggestion? Could you think about how you would have liked your T to react? What you need from him?
For you I send a soft, warm chair. It's a big, cozy, chair with soft pillows, the kind you sink into and that hold you on all sides. You can curl into it comfortably. From this chair you an see out a window into a pasture. The sun is shining and there are swallows flying. You are warm and safe, inside and out. If you like, I can sit with you, on the arm of the chair, and we can sit in the quiet together.
You know Chica, what happened to you was wrong. You didn't deserve it. You didn't "ask" for it. I am so so sorry.
ShortE
Posted by PM80 on May 16, 2005, at 13:40:37
In reply to it's out and i feel worse. ****BIG TRIGGER****, posted by B2chica on May 16, 2005, at 11:27:05
I agree that your T was probably trying to help you not feel like a freak because this happened to you. In no way, shape, or form do I think he meant to make you think or feel that it was a normal/healthy experience or anything but abuse. You were abused and all of the horrible feelings inside you are valid and acceptable and understandable. Please tell your T how what he said made you feel and ask him him to reinterpret what he said. Nothing was your fault. You acted the way so many in your situation would react. You CAN get through this so that you are standing on the other side of this huge, ugly pit. I'm so sorry that you had this experience.
Posted by 10derHeart on May 16, 2005, at 14:15:02
In reply to it's out and i feel worse. ****BIG TRIGGER****, posted by B2chica on May 16, 2005, at 11:27:05
B2chica,
I am so very, very sorry you're having to go through this. I can't even imagine how awful it must feel. Wish I could make even 1% of the pain go away, but I probably can't.
I see you as so strong. It's AWESOME that you have come this far with something you once said you'd not be able to *ever* tell your T. I think others who have been through this part of the process witll tell you it is copmpletely expected for you to feel *worse* - at least for a while. It's all so new and scary. Hang onto your T. and to Babble and just go hour by hour if you need to - take little, baby steps and they will be one small victory after another.
>>...by...a relative. not an adult (so it's not really CSA).<<
May I please gently disagree with you here? What if you considered it this way?
C - you were definitely a Child
S - something Sexual was done to you
A - it was AbusiveSo...it was CSA. I hope that soon you can give yourself permission to say that it was, because I'm afraid somehow to say "not really CSA" you are taking responsibility and almost saying to us, your T., and worst of all, yourself, a version of, "...it really wasn't THAT bad..." B*ll Sh*t!! It was that bad because you were a helpless, terrfied child!
As gg and others have already said, it doesn't matter AT ALL who did the abusing, their age, their status, their relationship to you - none of it matters. You were hurt at the hands of another person who was scaring you and forcing you to endure things no child should EVER even have to think about, much less experience. EVER.
sorry for all the CAPS....I get passionate about this. We are here for you and you are going to make it through. I am so impressed by your courage so far. You are taking the first steps to remove the dark power of these long-buried secrets! You are a survivor and a wonderful person. (((((B2chica)))))
Posted by Tamar on May 16, 2005, at 14:55:09
In reply to it's out and i feel worse. ****BIG TRIGGER****, posted by B2chica on May 16, 2005, at 11:27:05
> Friday i finally said what i never even said to myself, and i'm ready to bring it out here.
> i talked about some of the sexual things i was 'made' to do. by...a relative. not an adult (so it's not really CSA).I agree with 10derHeart: it *was* CSA. And sometimes I think there's a particular nastiness if the abuse is done by a child instead of an adult, because children are supposed to be innocent. They aren't really, but we tend to think they are. In any case, whoever the abuser is, it's always a sickening betrayal of trust.
> but the threats were there, of how bad i was that i deserved the spankings and with the sexual things, that's what 'little sisters were supposed to do, i was supposed to do EXACTLY as he told or ELSE (and my parents confirmed it when i'd ask -do i have to do as xxx says? -everytime mother replied 'Yes, you MUST listen to him'.
It's so awful that you thought you had to do those things. I'm so sorry that no one protected you.
> the times they pinned me down while i cried as they did things, things that scared me, that hurt me physically.
> and now...i feel worse that it's out to my T. he said it's common that it happens. he was polite and said he in no way meant to 'dismiss' what i'd just said but that it happens a lot.
> so now i'm left wondering, so was that normal? all that pain and fear i had, was i supposed to have that? was it ok what he (they) did?No, it's not 'normal'. It may be common, but it's wrong nevertheless. No, it was not OK what they did. It's heartbreakingly common; it's never OK.
> i don't understand.
> if it happens all the time does that mean that my feelings about it are all messed up?Not at all. Lots of bad things happen all the time: burglary, fraud, theft. Like CSA, these things are wrong. And it would be strange if you didn't have intense feelings about it.
> now i feel like my dirty little secret is out and i feel humiliated, sickened, disgusting, worthless, stupid and most of all, weak. i can't stand living with this secret out, i want to take it back.Saying stuff like this for the first time is incredibly hard. You're so brave; I really admire you.
(((((B2C)))))
Take care of yourself.
Tamar
Posted by anastasia56 on May 16, 2005, at 15:36:42
In reply to Re: it's out and i feel worse. ****BIG TRIGGER**** » B2chica, posted by Tamar on May 16, 2005, at 14:55:09
everyone has already said everything i could.
i, too, am sorry you have gone thru this. i know how hard it is to finally talk about it. you are very brave. my pdoc says it is like pulling a ghost out of the closet. When it is exposed to the light it disintegrates and no longer holds power over us. I like to think of it that way.
you were a child and should have been protected.
ana
Posted by JenStar on May 16, 2005, at 15:43:37
In reply to it's out and i feel worse. ****BIG TRIGGER****, posted by B2chica on May 16, 2005, at 11:27:05
Yeah, you ARE lucky the pills didn't do worse! Don't do that again! You're worth more than that - so much more.
B2, I think it's a huge step that you're admitting past abuse. Now your T can help you work through it. None of it was ever your fault - and you didn't deserve it. And you're still a worthy person who should treat herself with respect and dignity.
It sounds like you're very angry and upset, bringing out all these feelings. Your T will help you work through it if you give him a chance. Don't feel like you need to think there are negative connotations to his words and phrases, but please take him at face value. Of COURSE he's not suggesting that it's "normal" or "ok" to be abused! I think that's your own lack of self-respect there -- you're assuming that because he didn't respond the way you wanted/expected, it MUST mean that he's demeaning you or your situation. So give him a chance and believe him. ABuse is sadly very common; there are going to be lots of resources and places you can get counseling, support and help. You're NOT alone. And your T DOES want to help you!
Take care of yourself and respect yourself. You deserve it. :)
JenStar
Posted by Damos on May 16, 2005, at 17:02:32
In reply to it's out and i feel worse. ****BIG TRIGGER****, posted by B2chica on May 16, 2005, at 11:27:05
You're amazingly brave. I can't imagine what you're going through but would gladly take on some of your pain if I could.
Thinking of you.
Posted by ghost on May 16, 2005, at 17:57:00
In reply to it's out and i feel worse. ****BIG TRIGGER****, posted by B2chica on May 16, 2005, at 11:27:05
hi sweetness,
i just typed a reply to you and then babble ate it. :/
i wanted you to know i think you're a braver, stronger, better person for finally being able to get a horrible secret out in the open.
you've always been there for me when i needed someone, i wish i could be there for you. i wish i could give you a hug, because you deserve a ton of them.
lots of love,
ghost
Posted by B2chica on May 17, 2005, at 9:04:40
In reply to Re: it's out and i feel worse. » B2chica, posted by ghost on May 16, 2005, at 17:57:00
Posted by B2chica on May 17, 2005, at 9:13:54
In reply to it's out and i feel worse. ****BIG TRIGGER****, posted by B2chica on May 16, 2005, at 11:27:05
thanks ShortE, i've jumped into that chair.
thanks 10derheart
about your thoughts on CSA. i had a good talk with my T yesterday and he kept refering to it being 'trauma'. i told him i hated that he was using that word. in the back of my mind, if it happened to someone else i would agree, but i just can't seem to for myself. i just can't see it as CSA. i guess i keep thinking of that as an adult abusing a child 'sexually', not a sibling (and neighbor boy) both only slightly older than me.anastasia, i like the idea of the ghost coming out, but it seems like it's only more visible right now. in fact i'm trying to shove it back into that closet but i can't grab it to push it back.
it's like the suicidal ideation is coming in waves. My T is going to be out of town for the next couple days. he wanted me to be admitted into Hosp. last night. he even called my husband (with my permission of course) to tell him i'm at risk and he wanted me in.
but i kept going back and forth, and finally when i said i'll probably go it was already 9:00 and figured i'd just take a couple sleeping pills and go to bed. i hoped today would be better but i'm still getting these waves. i probably should go. i don't know. i'm tired of going, but at least i feel safe there.
i told my T about my taking a handful of pills friday and washing them down with bottle and half wine. that's one main reason he wanted me in, cuz i took the step from thinking about it to acting on my impulse.but i keep thinking, i have meetings at work tomorrow, and one tonight. i don't want to miss them, but i want to be safe. i''ll feel like a liar if i don't cuz at the end of our conversation i told my T that i'd go. but i haven't. what about my job, gosh dang it i don't want to loose it with all my hospital stays. but as my husband said, if i die i won't have a job either ...(that made me chuckle) i don't know.
any suggestions?
i guess i am worried cuz i'm mostly fine one minute and then this tidal wave of wanting to take a handful of pills or pull out infront of a semi comes over me. But then if i ride it out i'm fine again.
right now, i'm down but i'm at work and think i can do a little (not much and probably not well, but i can do some)thank you so very much for ALL your support on my sick little secrets.
b2c.
Posted by 10derHeart on May 17, 2005, at 11:13:07
In reply to Re: it's out and i feel worse. ****BIG TRIGGER****, posted by B2chica on May 17, 2005, at 9:13:54
>>thank you so very much for ALL your support on my sick little secrets.<<
Well, I'll accept your thanks ONLY if you let me say (like you can really stop a Babbler froim babbling... ;-)) that the ONLY part of your secrets that are *sick* is whatever was inside OTHER people - other SICK, older kids hurting you. Yes - they were ill, disturbed, wrong...whatever words you like.
You stay safe and let your husband and T. take care of you. Sounds like you already are, and that's very encouraging.
Posted by B2chica on May 17, 2005, at 12:20:31
In reply to Re: it's out and i feel worse. ****BIG TRIGGER**** » B2chica, posted by 10derHeart on May 17, 2005, at 11:13:07
thanx (with tears).
i think i'm going back in(hosp). My T was very adamit about me going in last night. i went back and forth a hundred times. my hubby said he'd support me either way.finally around 9 i decided i should go but it was so late that i just took a couple pills and went to sleep.it comes in waves. one minute i'm unsteady but can 'handle' what's out and who i am, next i'm ready to take every last pill i have and then some. i went to get refill's night before last and got a couple refills on pills i don't even use anymore. i'm scaring myself. i can't concentrate at work. i miss my T already.
i just want all these suicidal feelings to GO AWAY!!!!!!
i'm going home to decide for sure and to pack a little bag. if i decide to try to 'tough it out'-i'll post tomorrow.otherwise, you know where i'll be till friday.
b2c.
> Well, I'll accept your thanks ONLY if you let me say (like you can really stop a Babbler froim babbling... ;-)) that the ONLY part of your secrets that are *sick* is whatever was inside OTHER people - other SICK, older kids hurting you. Yes - they were ill, disturbed, wrong...whatever words you like.
>
> You stay safe and let your husband and T. take care of you. Sounds like you already are, and that's very encouraging.
Posted by antigua on May 17, 2005, at 13:00:42
In reply to it's out and i feel worse. ****BIG TRIGGER****, posted by B2chica on May 16, 2005, at 11:27:05
Keep safe, please, we care about you. Opening up to the abuse is very painful, and you do have to keep safe so do whatever you have to. We will be here.
I just wanted to add that I interpreted your T's remark about "normal" to mean that many people feel this way once they've opened the wound up, not the extent of your abuse, etc. There's some statistic out there that says once someone discloses the abuse, there is a huge chance (wish I could remember the percentage) that they will not come back to the person they have disclosed to because the shame is too much. Unwarranted shame, I might add, and I deal w/it every day. But it does get better, I promise you.
Let others take care of you now, and I'll be sending warm thoughts your way.
antigua
Posted by Shortelise on May 17, 2005, at 13:27:57
In reply to Re: it's out and i feel worse. ****BIG TRIGGER****, posted by B2chica on May 17, 2005, at 12:20:31
Sometimes just being safe is the best we can do for ourselves.
Be safe, mi Chica. It sounds like you are truly loved.ShortE
Posted by littleone on May 17, 2005, at 15:48:06
In reply to Re: it's out and i feel worse. ****BIG TRIGGER****, posted by B2chica on May 17, 2005, at 9:13:54
> i just can't see it as CSA. i guess i keep thinking of that as an adult abusing a child 'sexually', not a sibling (and neighbor boy) both only slightly older than me.
I was reading a book yesterday and it defined CSA as anything sexual from an adult at all (including physical stuff, talking, innuendoes, etc) and any unwanted sexually physical stuff from another child. Obviously that's not verbatim, but it was the general jist of it.
Posted by Joslynn on May 17, 2005, at 16:22:13
In reply to Re: it's out and i feel worse. ****BIG TRIGGER****, posted by B2chica on May 17, 2005, at 12:20:31
(((B2B)))
I think that CSA is CSA as long as you are a child when it happens. I don't think the "child" part of the term means that the perpetrator has to be an adult for it to be considered CSA.
Posted by Poet on May 17, 2005, at 19:04:42
In reply to it's out and i feel worse. ****BIG TRIGGER****, posted by B2chica on May 16, 2005, at 11:27:05
(((((((((B2Chica))))))))))))
I so understand why you feel that your secrets should have stayed secret. I am ashamed of what my therapist knows, too. She keeps telling me that we have to work through this, but I keep dodging the issue.
What you disclosed was hard, but keeping it inside was painful, too.
Take care. Be careful with those pills, okay?
Poet
Posted by gardenergirl on May 17, 2005, at 22:10:17
In reply to ((((b2c))))) » B2chica, posted by Shortelise on May 17, 2005, at 13:27:57
I hope whatever you decide about the hospital, that you find some relief and lots of support. We'll still be here, thinking about you and wishing you well.
gg
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