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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 13, 2005, at 5:56:35
I don't know why I didn't fall apart when I heard the funding didn't come through. That is the sort of thing that sometimes does it - and other times doesn't. I don't know why sometimes things are just too much for me, and why other times I can just fairly much battle on. T says it has to do with what coping strategies I use etc etc. I think that is rubbish. The point is that sometimes I can cope and other times I can't. And I don't know why sometimes I can and other times I can't. I don't get it.
I pretty much just put it away.
Didn't dwell on it.
But I don't get why sometimes I can put things away whereas other times I can't.But I have done this.
Sometimes it occurs to me that the funding didn't come through. And I really think about it. Usually just before I go off to sleep.
Anger / rage.
Then I put it away and continue to function.
Other timesSadness / despair.
The same.
T wanted to talk about it a bit.
I said I didn't really want to.
That not talking about it
Not thinking about it
Is what is enabling me to function.
But she did want to talk about it...
I said I felt mad sometimes.
That I got afraid with how mad I felt.
And I didn't want to talk about it because I was scaired I'd get mad and not be able to put it away.
And then I feel the urge to send abusive letters or whatever.
In fact...
I get this urge / mental pic / something of going in and beating the sh*t out of them or something like that. Of course I would NEVER do that. But the intensity of the anger scaires me.She said I should talk about it because if I don't then I am leaving it open for me to miss time and actually do some of that stuff.
Crap.
Thats not bloody fair.
How am I supposed to function then?
I can't afford to think about it.I told her about my thesis instead.
I never told her I felt sad.
Maybe next time.It is funny. There is overlap around the edges. I'm really seeing that now. I'm quite aware of it. The edges. It feels funny. I don't like it.
:-(
Posted by Dinah on May 13, 2005, at 8:02:08
In reply to anger, posted by alexandra_k on May 13, 2005, at 5:56:35
I've never understood it in me either, Alexandra. If you or ShortE hear any interesting hypothesis about it, please let me know. :(
(I'm angry for you. Do you think you might be being too good at not being angry, but can't keep the internal pressure down forever?)
Posted by sunny10 on May 13, 2005, at 8:46:51
In reply to Re: anger » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on May 13, 2005, at 8:02:08
For me, it's a case of stuffing the anger so that I can do what needs to be done.
Theoretically, I am supposed to go back and work it through when I have the time and space to do so, but life in 2005 is so frenetic that I never actually DO have time to "let myself go and wallow in it, and re-experience it, and deal with it".... and frankly I don't know that I have the coping skills necessary to do this stuff.
So inside it all stays.... and five more years down the road I'll "implode" again from all the pressure and probably attempt suicide again...
That's why I'm going to the anger management therapy and to the T to help me with "my self"...in hopes that in five years, I won't have to implode...
or lose time...
Any of this sound familiar at all for you?
I know I really have to break this cycle....
Posted by Tamar on May 13, 2005, at 12:15:45
In reply to anger, posted by alexandra_k on May 13, 2005, at 5:56:35
Anger can definitely be frightening. When I get really angry at injustices done to me I usually write a long letter in which I say everything I really want to say - but I don't send it. However, I read it over and over and it helps a bit.
Every now and then I go on to write a second letter - without the threats and profanity - and I do send it. And if I manage to get the tone right (righteous indignation instead of verbal abuse) I sometimes get the person to change their mind. But not always.
Usually I can only deal with extreme anger in small pieces, but even then it sometimes takes over and so I don't sleep. But I'm fairly incapable of putting it aside completely, so I guess that's different from you. Oh, and I shout a lot. I just can't let things go until I've had a good shout.
Posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 13:51:18
In reply to anger, posted by alexandra_k on May 13, 2005, at 5:56:35
I am going to reply with the same answer as I answered to SHort E above, because maybe it is the same thing.
"From what I understood from myself, things happen all the time - bad things and good things. But depending on the state of midn that I am in, I either let the good things occupy my mind or the bad thing occupy my mind.
I guess it is just a way your brain chemicals are functioning at that particular point.
One day, I might let a fight with my hsuband go without cribbing about it, the other day, I might make a big hue and cry for even a smaller fight.
I have learnt that to keep my mind and heart in balance, some kind of meditation helps and religious outlook helps. Or if you have a very nice and happy person around, that might help too. The thing is to always have some positive input around you which you can lean on when you have troubles in your life - be it either God or social support or husband or garden or something."
> I don't know why I didn't fall apart when I heard the funding didn't come through. That is the sort of thing that sometimes does it - and other times doesn't. I don't know why sometimes things are just too much for me, and why other times I can just fairly much battle on. T says it has to do with what coping strategies I use etc etc. I think that is rubbish. The point is that sometimes I can cope and other times I can't. And I don't know why sometimes I can and other times I can't. I don't get it.
>
> I pretty much just put it away.
> Didn't dwell on it.
> But I don't get why sometimes I can put things away whereas other times I can't.
>
> But I have done this.
>
> Sometimes it occurs to me that the funding didn't come through. And I really think about it. Usually just before I go off to sleep.
>
> Anger / rage.
>
> Then I put it away and continue to function.
> Other times
>
> Sadness / despair.
>
> The same.
>
> T wanted to talk about it a bit.
> I said I didn't really want to.
> That not talking about it
> Not thinking about it
> Is what is enabling me to function.
> But she did want to talk about it...
> I said I felt mad sometimes.
> That I got afraid with how mad I felt.
> And I didn't want to talk about it because I was scaired I'd get mad and not be able to put it away.
> And then I feel the urge to send abusive letters or whatever.
> In fact...
> I get this urge / mental pic / something of going in and beating the sh*t out of them or something like that. Of course I would NEVER do that. But the intensity of the anger scaires me.
>
> She said I should talk about it because if I don't then I am leaving it open for me to miss time and actually do some of that stuff.
>
> Crap.
> Thats not bloody fair.
> How am I supposed to function then?
> I can't afford to think about it.
>
> I told her about my thesis instead.
>
> I never told her I felt sad.
> Maybe next time.
>
> It is funny. There is overlap around the edges. I'm really seeing that now. I'm quite aware of it. The edges. It feels funny. I don't like it.
>
> :-(
Posted by alexandra_k on May 14, 2005, at 0:19:33
In reply to Re: anger » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on May 13, 2005, at 8:02:08
> Do you think you might be being too good at not being angry, but can't keep the internal pressure down forever?
I only became aware of feeling angry over the last few years.
It doesn't feel like internal pressure.
I'm afraid of what I might do if I dwell on it.
I'm afraid I won't be able to put it away again if I let it out.
It goes away willingly enough.
That is good.
But I do worry that maybe sometime it won't.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 14, 2005, at 0:20:35
In reply to Re: anger (poss trigger), posted by sunny10 on May 13, 2005, at 8:46:51
I don't think I lose control with it.
But I'm worried that I might.
I guess I have done this a little bit before around termination.
Better to not feel it I guess.
Posted by alexandra_k on May 14, 2005, at 0:21:45
In reply to Re: anger » alexandra_k, posted by Tamar on May 13, 2005, at 12:15:45
Maybe I should do that.
Write a letter.
Just a bit
Let a bit out.
I'm just worried that I can't let it out in a controlled manner.
I think I might write.
I'm just afraid it might get sent...
Posted by alexandra_k on May 14, 2005, at 0:23:00
In reply to Re: anger » alexandra_k, posted by pinkeye on May 13, 2005, at 13:51:18
I just don't understand why sometimes I am in a good state of mind while at other times I am not.
I don't get it.
Posted by Dinah on May 14, 2005, at 8:22:21
In reply to Re: anger » Dinah, posted by alexandra_k on May 14, 2005, at 0:19:33
That's my point.
It feels like it goes away, but chances are good it doesn't. If you're afraid of what happens if you let it out, chances are good that there is internal pressure.
Those of us with a skill for dissociation just are pretty good at separating ourselves from the feelings of anger.
Which leaves them there ready to emerge at times when there may not even be a clear link.
I tell my therapist that it seems like I strip memories of emotional content. The memory goes in one file, and I can relate it calmly. The emotion goes into a big vat called anger or sadness or happiness or whatever. And sometimes a small experience of the same emotion opens the door to the vat and way more than is appropriate spills out.
For me anyway.
Posted by Damos on May 14, 2005, at 22:30:07
In reply to anger, posted by alexandra_k on May 13, 2005, at 5:56:35
Resignation. I sensed from early on that part of you was resigned to the funding not coming through. Part of you was still upbeat and hopefull but at a deeper level it was like "I've been screwed by this P-doc and the system so many times that I pretty much expect it again." Maybe it was partly self protection, I don't know. So maybe you didn't invest as much in the outcome as you might have. Probably a good thing as it turns out.
I fear my anger too. I don't actually think anyone has ever seen actually seen me angry, I mean really angry. Frustrated and upset yes, but angry, no. I'll usually do soemthig physical to release it so that it isn't expressed at or on others. But I still fear what a "really" angry me could be like. And like you I don't understand why sometimes things do't set me off even slightly when I thought they would and hen other times piddly little things get this way out of proportion response.
Until that day I spent crying in the park a few weeks back I hadn't realised how much stuff I was capable of burying or distancing myself from. I think I actually somehow decide internally that this is beyond my ability to cope with or experience right no and lock it away somewhere where it doesn't directly associate with the memory of the thing that caused it. then sometime later something else will trigger it all off as happened with the park episode. That was unexperienced stuff held down for 17 long years. It makes me wonder what else is there and very afraid to find out.
(((((alex)))))
Posted by sunny10 on May 17, 2005, at 9:02:54
In reply to Re: anger (poss trigger) » sunny10, posted by alexandra_k on May 14, 2005, at 0:20:35
Posted by alexandra_k on May 18, 2005, at 5:09:01
In reply to Re: anger » alexandra_k, posted by Dinah on May 14, 2005, at 8:22:21
Ooh.
I just found that more people had responded to this thread :-)> That's my point.
> It feels like it goes away, but chances are good it doesn't. If you're afraid of what happens if you let it out, chances are good that there is internal pressure.Ah. I see what you mean. Chances are good that it is going to just keep on popping up. And thats what shows there to be internal pressure... Hmm... I have been having a lot more thoughts of self-hatred occuring to me over the past week. They haven't been disturbing to me really - I just reflect on one of my t's saying 'think kindly' and I sort of give myself a mental hug if that makes any sense. But the thoughts just keep coming and keep coming... Maybe thats the anger coming out???
> Those of us with a skill for dissociation just are pretty good at separating ourselves from the feelings of anger.I didn't feel anger until a couple of years back.
Well. I didn't think I did anyways...
> Which leaves them there ready to emerge at times when there may not even be a clear link.Yeah. That makes sense. Sometimes I do get an intense rage. Not very often at all. But when I do it really frightens me.
> I tell my therapist that it seems like I strip memories of emotional content. The memory goes in one file, and I can relate it calmly. The emotion goes into a big vat called anger or sadness or happiness or whatever.Yeah. That makes sense.
>And sometimes a small experience of the same emotion opens the door to the vat and way more than is appropriate spills out.
Yeah.
I get that too I think.
Get caught in emotional states...
Not often...
I prefer rational me...
:-)But yeah.
Hmm...
Posted by alexandra_k on May 18, 2005, at 5:12:27
In reply to Re: anger » alexandra_k, posted by Damos on May 14, 2005, at 22:30:07
> Resignation. I sensed from early on that part of you was resigned to the funding not coming through. Part of you was still upbeat and hopefull but at a deeper level it was like "I've been screwed by this P-doc and the system so many times that I pretty much expect it again." Maybe it was partly self protection, I don't know. So maybe you didn't invest as much in the outcome as you might have. Probably a good thing as it turns out.
Yeah.
Though I thought I was resigned about p-doc leaving too. But then there was the missing time and the hospitilisation. I guess that was part of me saying 'I will NOT accept this'.
But I do think you are right. I was pretty resigned. And self protection. I think you are right about that too. And I guess it has worked for me because I am still functioning...
> I fear my anger too. I don't actually think anyone has ever seen actually seen me angry, I mean really angry. Frustrated and upset yes, but angry, no. I'll usually do soemthig physical to release it so that it isn't expressed at or on others. But I still fear what a "really" angry me could be like. And like you I don't understand why sometimes things do't set me off even slightly when I thought they would and hen other times piddly little things get this way out of proportion response.Yeah.
> Until that day I spent crying in the park a few weeks back I hadn't realised how much stuff I was capable of burying or distancing myself from. I think I actually somehow decide internally that this is beyond my ability to cope with or experience right no and lock it away somewhere where it doesn't directly associate with the memory of the thing that caused it. then sometime later something else will trigger it all off as happened with the park episode. That was unexperienced stuff held down for 17 long years. It makes me wonder what else is there and very afraid to find out.Yeah. I hear you.
>
> (((((alex)))))
((((((Damos))))))
Posted by alexandra_k on May 18, 2005, at 5:13:35
In reply to Re: you HAVE to feel (nm) » alexandra_k, posted by sunny10 on May 17, 2005, at 9:02:54
Mmm.
Sort of...
Like you have to remember
Sometimes if you fail to remember
You fail to feel
Does that make sense?????
Posted by sunny10 on May 18, 2005, at 8:07:20
In reply to Re: you HAVE to feel » sunny10, posted by alexandra_k on May 18, 2005, at 5:13:35
it will always come back and bite you in the a** when you least expect it---
thus the "lost time" and fear that you will lose control over your temper at any given time, despite the actual degree of provocation...
is it truly better to sweep this stuff under the carpet and pretend that you don't feel?
I'm betting that you DO feel, thus the depressive thoughts you've been having lately. They're leaking out from the same hidden space you're storing the hurt and the anger...in my opinion, anyway.
At least, that has been true of me in the past...and I guess as long as I'm being honest, it's what's happening within me right now...
Posted by Damos on May 18, 2005, at 17:59:12
In reply to Re: anger » Damos, posted by alexandra_k on May 18, 2005, at 5:12:27
> Yeah.
> Though I thought I was resigned about p-doc leaving too. But then there was the missing time and the hospitilisation. I guess that was part of me saying 'I will NOT accept this'.Ahhhh. Now see there's a clear distinction between the two even though they are linked. My understanding of your relationship with the P-doc is that there is a pattern of hurt and disappointment. His leaving was just the latest is a series of events that each built upon and reinforced the other - until the dam broke. It was about you and him - it was personal, it was betrayal and denial and distrust and a whole bunch of other stuff, like, well you know the mental scripting that plays here.
The funding though associated with him was something your experience with him and the system told you not to pin your hopes on. This was about 'the system sux'.
The thing I am learning more and more is that you need to feel things in the moment and then let them go. Anger can be the outward expression of so many things and it is important to feel and acknowledge those things at the time. The internal pressure of all sorts of stuff that has not been felt and acknowleged can often only find it's realease in anger and because it is coming from so many sources and feelings it can be way out of proportion and not clearly associated to the immediate event. Or if you're anything like me it all just turns in upon itself and bad head stuff happens. And that is definitely not good.
One of the alternate therapists I saw a few times worked me through a series of completions. I'll go back and see if I can find the explanation because what she said made a lot of sense and does seem to have helped.
(((((Alex)))))
This is the end of the thread.
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