Posted by alexandra_k on May 13, 2005, at 5:56:35
I don't know why I didn't fall apart when I heard the funding didn't come through. That is the sort of thing that sometimes does it - and other times doesn't. I don't know why sometimes things are just too much for me, and why other times I can just fairly much battle on. T says it has to do with what coping strategies I use etc etc. I think that is rubbish. The point is that sometimes I can cope and other times I can't. And I don't know why sometimes I can and other times I can't. I don't get it.
I pretty much just put it away.
Didn't dwell on it.
But I don't get why sometimes I can put things away whereas other times I can't.But I have done this.
Sometimes it occurs to me that the funding didn't come through. And I really think about it. Usually just before I go off to sleep.
Anger / rage.
Then I put it away and continue to function.
Other timesSadness / despair.
The same.
T wanted to talk about it a bit.
I said I didn't really want to.
That not talking about it
Not thinking about it
Is what is enabling me to function.
But she did want to talk about it...
I said I felt mad sometimes.
That I got afraid with how mad I felt.
And I didn't want to talk about it because I was scaired I'd get mad and not be able to put it away.
And then I feel the urge to send abusive letters or whatever.
In fact...
I get this urge / mental pic / something of going in and beating the sh*t out of them or something like that. Of course I would NEVER do that. But the intensity of the anger scaires me.She said I should talk about it because if I don't then I am leaving it open for me to miss time and actually do some of that stuff.
Crap.
Thats not bloody fair.
How am I supposed to function then?
I can't afford to think about it.I told her about my thesis instead.
I never told her I felt sad.
Maybe next time.It is funny. There is overlap around the edges. I'm really seeing that now. I'm quite aware of it. The edges. It feels funny. I don't like it.
:-(
poster:alexandra_k
thread:497207
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20050513/msgs/497207.html