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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 34 to 58 of 58. Go back in thread:
Posted by gardenergirl on October 11, 2004, at 19:10:47
In reply to Re: Poet, how are you doing? » gardenergirl, posted by Poet on October 11, 2004, at 15:28:54
>I had the sense to realize that re-evaluating a decision is not shameful.
Poet,
I hope I didn't come on too strong in my post before. I just know from my own experiene how powerful shame is. And I wanted to give you some kudos.Warmly,
gg
Posted by just plain jane on October 12, 2004, at 1:59:06
In reply to Re: Poet, how are you doing? » Poet, posted by gardenergirl on October 11, 2004, at 19:10:47
Shame, for me, plays back the belittling harangue of parents and parrotting children,
"Shame on you! You are BAD!!"
"You have shamed us!" (because you are/did bad)
"Such shameful behavior"
"It is such a shame that _____ "Shame and bad were synonymous terms in my growing up. They are still, in most cases.
I had to be ashamed of myself because I:
- was foolish enough to speak up. How could I possibly even have a thought?
- had made a "mess"
- had looked crosseyed at the wrong time
- wet my pants/bed
- sucked my thumb
- made an appearance while there was company
- was soo UGLY
- didn't know what my 3 (older) siblings knew (what!!! by osmosis?????)
- stammered occasionally
- dared try to sing in harmony with my 3 siblings (I could)
- made an attempt at humor
- made my mother unhappy by my mere existence
- forgot (something - anything)
- got less than A+ on anything
- didn't want to eat something
- was scared to... anything
- et cetera until we are all blue in the face.
I WAS A BAD GIRL!!!! I SHOULD BE ASHAMED!!!
Truth be found out later (from other family and friends) I was NOT a bad girl, not even NEAR a bad girl.But I still know shame.
I still fight against that drowning pull of shame, of being bad.It still hurts, even though it is a memory, a ghost.
Shame is a manipulative tool to beat someone('s self) to an emotional pulp. It is a voracious disease which could eat you alive, leaving in its wake a shell of fear and self hatred.
SHAME is BAD.
jane
Posted by Dinah on October 12, 2004, at 7:30:45
In reply to Re: Poet, how are you doing? » gardenergirl, posted by Poet on October 11, 2004, at 15:28:54
It seems like this is one of those moments where there's a chance to take a relationship to a new level.
When she takes you back warmly, it's a trust building opportunity.
When you contact her and ask, it's a trust building opportunity.
What you did wasn't shameful. Or if it was, I've been shamed at least half dozen times. I think it's a reasonably normal part of therapy. And therapists know that. Didn't she reply as if she knew that?
But even though it wasn't shameful, it's in the past. It is now part of your history. You have an opportunity now to write your future history. You can choose whether you do something you'll later be proud of. Calling her would take a lot of courage, and that would be something to be very very proud of. There's no need to have an awkward phone conversation. Just call her and leave a message when you know she's unlikely to be able to answer. Something like
"Hey. It's me, Poet. I'd really like to talk about what happened. Can we make an appointment to do that?"
I'd be proud of you, not only for showing the courage to go after what you want, but also for taking the leap of faith it requires to deepen a relationship. Don't you think that's something to be proud of?
You can always talk about the rest of it when you get there.
Posted by Poet on October 12, 2004, at 12:21:45
In reply to Re: Emotional confetti » Poet, posted by fallsfall on October 11, 2004, at 16:47:35
I'm trying to see it as a therapeutic opportunity, but my distorted mental vision won't put on glasses so it's clear.
Changing therapists is definitely not the solution. Going back to my therapist is, I just can't make that phone call or write something, I just freeze up. Just like I do in therapy when I can't talk about something, darn it.
Poet
Posted by Poet on October 12, 2004, at 12:25:59
In reply to Re: Emotional confetti, posted by Annierose on October 11, 2004, at 19:03:03
Hi Annie,
Growing is hard and painful. I just thought that my growth was stunted and therapy just wasn't for me.
I hope I can get up the courage to call. I know I've got everybody here to catch me if I fall.
Poet
Posted by Poet on October 12, 2004, at 12:28:23
In reply to Re: Poet, how are you doing? » Poet, posted by gardenergirl on October 11, 2004, at 19:10:47
Hi GG,
You weren't being harsh, you were being honest. I got myself into this mental mess and it's up to me to try to find the courage to get out of it. Making a phone call or writing something should be so easy, but I feel like a teenager who has a crush and hangs up when the boy answers.
Poet
Posted by Poet on October 12, 2004, at 12:33:33
In reply to shame, posted by just plain jane on October 12, 2004, at 1:59:06
Jane,
<<I still fight against that drowning pull of shame, of being bad.
<<It still hurts, even though it is a memory, a ghost.
<<Shame is a manipulative tool to beat someone('s self) to an emotional pulp. It is a voracious disease which could eat you alive, leaving in its wake a shell of fear and self hatred.
<SHAME is BAD.
I wish you didn't understand shame so well. Everything you said is true and your childhood sounds very much like mine.
Shame and blame, they did it to me and then I took over and started doing it to myself. A bad habit and one that I have yet to break.
WE ARE NOT BAD!!! NOT, NOT, NOT!
Poet
Posted by Poet on October 12, 2004, at 12:40:50
In reply to Poet?, posted by Dinah on October 12, 2004, at 7:30:45
It is a trust building opportunity. I only trust her 50 percent, but that's more than I trust anyone else. She would take me back warmly. It's just me that's cold with fear, shame, failure and all the other ridiculous feelings that I have built walls out of to keep her out.
I'm trying to convince myself to call her. The only time I know she wouldn't answer the phone is Thursday at 10. She has a staff meeting then, I know because she'd change my time to accomodate it. But Thursday is a long way off and I am still periodically bursting into tears, so I may have to dig deep for the courage sooner.
Keep up the pep talk! I need all the encouragement I can get.
Poet
Posted by crushedout on October 12, 2004, at 13:45:48
In reply to Dinah, posted by Poet on October 12, 2004, at 12:40:50
Poet,I think Dinah's words are true, incredible and inspiring. I hope you will listen to her. I think she knows what she's talking about.
Wishing you tons of courage and strength.
crushed
Posted by Annierose on October 12, 2004, at 14:22:06
In reply to Re: Dinah, posted by crushedout on October 12, 2004, at 13:45:48
Poet - Call your T very early in the morning -
before she would get to work. Then you can expect her warm reply before lunchtime!
Posted by Dinah on October 12, 2004, at 16:18:49
In reply to Dinah, posted by Poet on October 12, 2004, at 12:40:50
Posted by shrinking violet on October 12, 2004, at 17:21:55
In reply to I know that you can do it, even though it's hard (nm) » Poet, posted by Dinah on October 12, 2004, at 16:18:49
((((Poet))))
Please try to call your T, or email her, or leave a voicemail. You obviously want to go back; do you really want another week to go by without having called her, and possibly have seen her? Your decision is obviously hurting you, which should give you an indication that connecting with her again is the right thing, even if it's just to process your decision.
I can understand shame, fear, self-loathing. But for a minute, try to hush up your mind and focus on what I'm going to say to you now:
First, I want you to pick up the phone, or open your email program (whichever way you decide to contact her).
Then, I want to you to read this as many times as you need to until you have either called or sent a message:It's okay to feel like I made a mistake.
It's okay to take actions to fix that mistake.
It's okay to reach out to someone who I feel may be able to help me.
It's okay to help me.
Good luck, hon. :-)
Posted by antigua on October 12, 2004, at 17:35:47
In reply to Re: Courage, posted by Annierose on October 12, 2004, at 14:22:06
I'll probably get a lot of grief for this, but if you really can't make the call, ask someone to make it for you. Sometimes I ask my husband to call and my T understands what that means. Asking for help is courageous (I know this because my T told me this last week when I did the same thing and was afraid to make the call).
Go for it Poet.
antigua
Posted by shrinking violet on October 14, 2004, at 14:22:54
In reply to Re: I quit therapy- Feeling Very Sad (Long) » antigua, posted by Poet on October 8, 2004, at 17:12:59
Posted by Poet on October 15, 2004, at 18:07:25
In reply to ((((Poet))))) how are you? any update? (nm), posted by shrinking violet on October 14, 2004, at 14:22:54
Posted by Dinah on October 15, 2004, at 18:09:55
In reply to Left T message to call me- update when she does (nm), posted by Poet on October 15, 2004, at 18:07:25
Posted by Annierose on October 15, 2004, at 19:32:45
In reply to Left T message to call me- update when she does (nm), posted by Poet on October 15, 2004, at 18:07:25
Posted by fallsfall on October 15, 2004, at 20:10:44
In reply to Left T message to call me- update when she does (nm), posted by Poet on October 15, 2004, at 18:07:25
Posted by gardenergirl on October 15, 2004, at 21:06:34
In reply to Good job! (nm) » Poet, posted by fallsfall on October 15, 2004, at 20:10:44
Posted by Poet on October 18, 2004, at 15:38:19
In reply to Woo hoo! So glad you did.... (nm), posted by gardenergirl on October 15, 2004, at 21:06:34
Thank you, everyone, for the support and cyber shoulders to cry on.
T didn't say a thing about my quitting therapy. She just asked if I needed to see her. She said Thursday, but then asked if I could wait that long, and squeezed me in tomorrow.
I'll start a new thread on how it went. I know I won't start sobbing- I never cry in therapy. I make it to my car before the tears start up.
Thanks again. My babble friends are wonderful!
Poet
Posted by Dinah on October 18, 2004, at 15:57:49
In reply to Seeing therapist tomorrow, posted by Poet on October 18, 2004, at 15:38:19
Posted by Annierose on October 18, 2004, at 18:42:05
In reply to Seeing therapist tomorrow, posted by Poet on October 18, 2004, at 15:38:19
It was a hard call to make, but it sounds like your T was extremely supportive and made it comfortable for you. I hope you are able to share some of your feelings you had over these past 2(?) weeks. Good Luck!! You did good!!
Posted by mair on October 18, 2004, at 20:01:18
In reply to Seeing therapist tomorrow, posted by Poet on October 18, 2004, at 15:38:19
I know I'm jumping in late here, but I'm really glad you're going back to see her. I often talk of leaving therapy, usually because the difficulty I have opening up to her makes me feel that I'm not contributing anything to therapy and that it's not doing any good or that it will never progress from where it is now.
My T always speaks of therapy as a process and she let me know once that she'd view my quitting prematurely as part of the process and not as an ending. I think it was her way of letting me know that I can always come back and that I should never look at a decision to quit as being irrevocable.
I think your T is looking at it the same way.
Good Luck
Mair
Posted by mair on October 19, 2004, at 18:49:51
In reply to Re: Seeing therapist tomorrow » Poet, posted by mair on October 18, 2004, at 20:01:18
Posted by mair on October 19, 2004, at 18:51:43
In reply to How did it go? - Poet (nm), posted by mair on October 19, 2004, at 18:49:51
This is the end of the thread.
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