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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by tinydancer on March 3, 2004, at 7:39:21
How do you deal with your relationship with your T and balance the needs of your Significant Other (Partner, Husband, Boy/Girl Friend)?
I'm married to a brick wall, so I don't know that anything I do has any effect whatsoever on him, but I wonder about others who are in a relationship themselves but at the same time are dedicated to the work they do with their Ts.
Does your SO express jealousy? How do you balance the two? Just wanted to kick a discussion about this topic into gear.
Posted by mair on March 3, 2004, at 7:46:01
In reply to Your SO and your relationship with your T, posted by tinydancer on March 3, 2004, at 7:39:21
I think it's been years since my husband expressed the slightest curiosity about my therapy or my therapist. I don't bring up the subject much because I'm not great about sharing that kind of thing anyway, and I think I'll feel worse if I try to talk about it and he looks bored, or uninterested. I actually really wish he'd ask some questions sometimes - at least that might show me he cared.
Mair
Posted by lookdownfish on March 3, 2004, at 8:14:26
In reply to Your SO and your relationship with your T, posted by tinydancer on March 3, 2004, at 7:39:21
My husband sometimes asks how therapy went if he remembers, but is not usually particularly keen on discussing it at length. I guess he's just hoping I will finish soon to save us some money.
I have once or twice indicated to him how much my T means to me and how much I think about her. He has been quite understanding about this, but I don't mention it very often. He doesn't seem to be jealous, probably relieved that I take my neediness somewhere else. He is however a bit paranoid that he is portrayed as a terrible husband and that my T is critical of our relationship. He doesn't like anything that might rock his status quo.
Posted by Dinah on March 3, 2004, at 9:13:43
In reply to Your SO and your relationship with your T, posted by tinydancer on March 3, 2004, at 7:39:21
My husband sees my therapist as the barrier between him and my craziness. He thinks my going is terrific. He's aware of how I think about my therapist, but since it's not romantic or sexual, he apparently doesn't see it as a threat. He's just happy that I don't wake him up in the night anymore with OCD attacks and usually manage to take my meltdowns to therapy while largely managing to appear normal in front of him and our son. I think he also likes that I rarely cut anymore.
He doesn't want to deal with any of that himself, so he likes that we hire a professional.
Posted by Rigby on March 3, 2004, at 9:56:08
In reply to Your SO and your relationship with your T, posted by tinydancer on March 3, 2004, at 7:39:21
Great topic!
I'm gay and have been in a relationship for 12 years. Aside: Now that we can get married in San Francisco the pressure is enormous--now I know how straight unmarried couples feel!! ;)
Anyway, my girlfriend used to get a teeny bit jealous--especially the first year or so when I was attracted to my therapist and my therapist had some boundary issues on her end. But that's resolved to a large degree and also my girfriend is just totally cool about that kind of thing. In fact, I had a very sexy dream about my therapist the other night and it felt *really* healthy to talk to my girlfriend about it. It felt like it brought us more together vs. me having secrets. Interesting.
> How do you deal with your relationship with your T and balance the needs of your Significant Other (Partner, Husband, Boy/Girl Friend)?
>
> I'm married to a brick wall, so I don't know that anything I do has any effect whatsoever on him, but I wonder about others who are in a relationship themselves but at the same time are dedicated to the work they do with their Ts.
>
> Does your SO express jealousy? How do you balance the two? Just wanted to kick a discussion about this topic into gear.
Posted by All Done on March 3, 2004, at 9:57:09
In reply to Your SO and your relationship with your T, posted by tinydancer on March 3, 2004, at 7:39:21
My husband pretty much stopped asking about my therapy after maybe six sessions, or so. Prior to that, he would only ask if we talked about him. In his defense, though, I think he knows that I share what I feel comfortable sharing it’s kind of useless to ask for more because I will just say everything was fine. Occasionally, I bring things up that I want to share or that I feel are important to share.
I’ve never discussed my transference feelings (erotic or otherwise) for my therapist with my husband. One time though, he asked if my therapist was attractive and I said honestly, “not as attractive as you.” I thought that response would facilitate an interesting discussion, but no such luck. He just moved on to the next topic.
Sometimes I wish he would ask more about my therapy, but I understand that by me going, it takes a lot of the self-imposed pressure off of him to “fix” me, so to speak. I let him enjoy the reprieve when I can because it’s a bit harder for him when I come home from my session and he can see that I’ve been crying or that I’m visibly upset. I just keep telling him that it gets worse before it gets better. Although, I don’t know that he gets that concept, yet. Wait, I don’t know that *I* get that concept, yet.
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 3, 2004, at 12:39:15
In reply to Your SO and your relationship with your T, posted by tinydancer on March 3, 2004, at 7:39:21
My husband is VERY jealous and has said that my T wants me and it is obvious I want my T. He sometimes teases me but all in all he hates the guy and said he crosses lines and so on...and he knows deep down I am sure that I would jump over that line if my T gave me the checkered flag :)
Posted by tinydancer on March 3, 2004, at 12:42:26
In reply to Re: Your SO and your relationship with your T » tinydancer, posted by Fallen4myT on March 3, 2004, at 12:39:15
At least he cares....
Posted by Fallen4myT on March 3, 2004, at 12:46:34
In reply to Re: Your SO and your relationship with your T » Fallen4myT, posted by tinydancer on March 3, 2004, at 12:42:26
I bet yours cares too but may be more secure in you, your T and himself...My husband KNOWS he said it shows on my face that I am IN LOVE and that can I imagine get to him. Once he said it was time for me to see a new T on a boundary crossing I mentioned and I said NO and that T didnt mean it THAT way....Thing is, the wrong guy is expressing his caring...you know what I mean?
Posted by KindGirl on March 3, 2004, at 14:37:56
In reply to Re: Your SO and your relationship with your T » tinydancer, posted by All Done on March 3, 2004, at 9:57:09
You make me smile. That is a miracle today because I haven't smiled about much lately. Are we married to the same guy? He only asks what we talk about him about!!! If he only knew....we never have time to talk about HIM!!!.....Yeah, I tell my hubby the same things you do...it will get better....this won't last....when inside I think, "Is this going to get better? When will this depression end?"....but I wanted to thank you for making me smile today.
Take care everyone...
Posted by pegasus on March 3, 2004, at 14:47:26
In reply to Your SO and your relationship with your T, posted by tinydancer on March 3, 2004, at 7:39:21
I'm feeling very lucky after reading all of your posts. My husband is super supportive about therapy (I think there's a lot of the same stuff many of you mentioned re: hiring a professional and taking pressure off of him). He knows that I'm dying to talk about therapy, and that it's healthy if he knows what I'm working on. So we have our Saturday mornings set aside to have a "therapy report". Then he gives me his weekly report about his life as well. It gives us a chance to communicate about important stuff, while also making the time for scary discussions more limited and predictable. The best part is that if I don't bring it up, he'll say, "It's time for the therapy report." And he'll dog me until I give him the report. So, I know he cares. God, I wish I could share him around with all of you.
Also, it clearly has never occurred to him to be jealous of my T. He isn't jealous of anyone. I could take a 2 week vacation in Hawaii with a buff and attractive male friend, and he'd never be jealous.
- p
Posted by DaisyM on March 3, 2004, at 15:29:24
In reply to Re: Your SO and your relationship with your T, posted by pegasus on March 3, 2004, at 14:47:26
My husband flat out doesn't understand why *I'm* in therapy -- after all he is the one who is sick! Sometimes he shakes out of it long enough to remember that I'm going and asks, but he doesn't really want to know. He has asked if he is good looking (yes)and did tell me a story about a Therapist who controlled all of her clients. I don't know if there was a message there or not.
I have on and off encouraged my hubby to go himself. I think he is seriously depressed and I don't know how to make it better for him. He tells me that is what he has a wife for -- LOL.
Posted by gardenergirl on March 3, 2004, at 19:26:25
In reply to Re: Your SO and your relationship with your T, posted by pegasus on March 3, 2004, at 14:47:26
Oh, I like the idea of a therapy report time. And that he also reports on his day to day stuff. Having a time set aside for that makes it a priority AND also, like you said, limits the scary stuff.
My husband doesn't ask. But he did ask at the beginning "am I supposed to ask you about this?" I told him then that I would tell him if I felt I needed to. And I usually do. But I never told him any of the stuff I talked about him. Too close for comfort!
gg
Posted by crushedout on March 3, 2004, at 20:25:03
In reply to Your SO and your relationship with your T, posted by tinydancer on March 3, 2004, at 7:39:21
i'm single. when i had a girlfriend, she was fairly jealous and when i dumped her, she said (jealously) that it was because of my t. i couldn't really deny that that was partly true (although i didn't actually respond -- she was being a real jerk), but the relationship was bad anyway, and part of the reason it was true was just that my t helped me see the way out. it wasn't just that i was in love with her (although i was).
Posted by All Done on March 4, 2004, at 2:58:50
In reply to Alldone you are adorable!! » All Done, posted by KindGirl on March 3, 2004, at 14:37:56
Well, I'm so glad I made you smile, KindGirl!
Hey! This makes me smile! I believe it's contagious.
:)
This is the end of the thread.
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