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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Shar on November 27, 2004, at 23:51:47
...how horrible I feel. (I tried to fit that in to the subject line, but it wouldn't.)
That's really the whole post right there. Black is black is black.
I feel jinxed. I feel like I'm paying for something horrid I did in a past life. I feel like karma (for what, I know not) is paying me back.
Oh, well. All that and depression and panic attacks. And hot flashes.
Ain't we got fun?
No need for anybody to reply. Just thought I'd drop by and DUMP. Sorry!
I sincerely hope you all are doing well! I miss what used to be. Guess I'm getting old enough to look back on the "good old days."
lol.
shar
Posted by NikkiT2 on November 28, 2004, at 6:43:10
In reply to There's no where to write about ..., posted by Shar on November 27, 2004, at 23:51:47
Hey hun,
I'm having quite a good week which is nice.. the swinging is taking some getting used though.. up and down like a yoyo!!
I miss "the old days".. I just don't find myself able to post here like I once did.. the fear of having my posts copied to admin, and pulled apart for intent is more than I can really take.. but I do read here daily and think of you all very very often.
I'm now "in my thirties" which is a very strange concept *lol* 30 just seems soooo grown up, and I sure as hell don't feel that! Though, tlaking with friends I said "I dont feel anything past 18".. but then I thought and said actually, i did.. the whole confidence thing has really been growing over past couple of years.. oh, I still query every move I make as to whether it is good enough, but I feel more able to be me, and not have to conform to everyone else as much.. at 18 I would never have had the confidence to do my own thing, I always went with the crowd and was a terrible sheep.. now I find I can be "me" alot mroe than I could before.
And I did a very grown up thing yesterday *giggles* I bought my very first pair of stillettos *l* Yup, I managed to get to 30 with never actually wearing a pair! *l* They laugh at me at work for being the shortest, but also never wearing heels.. always comfy flatties.. Our christmas party is in two weeks, so O have bought a really nice pair of siple black stillettos for that.. I didn't want to spend much money on them, so went to a cheapie store to look for them.. and got them in the sale at £5 *l* Oh, not leaher or anything, but I'm only likely to wear them twice in my life, so only wanted a throw away type pair!
I also bought two rally nice skirts, two t=shirts and a lovely top, and teh entire lot came to £32 which I thought was a real bargain!! I've discovered an enjoyment of buying clothes again.. I'm down to 40lb lost now, and am fitting back into clothes in "normal" stores now, and really enjoying it!I wish I could send some sun and light to you to chase away the blackness, I really do.. I wish I had the answers to why..
Hang in there hun.. and remember how much we lve you here
Nikki xxx
Posted by coral on November 28, 2004, at 10:16:55
In reply to There's no where to write about ..., posted by Shar on November 27, 2004, at 23:51:47
Oh, Shar....
My heart aches for you...and for me. Your line about missing what you used to be hit right-on for me.
My BP phobia has hit full-force and I'm back on meds, and I'm ranting at the stars....
xoxooxo
Coral
Posted by Noa on November 28, 2004, at 13:23:47
In reply to There's no where to write about ..., posted by Shar on November 27, 2004, at 23:51:47
Shar--I'm glad you came here to dump, and of course I want to respond!
I'm sad that you are feeling so low. I still look forward to seeing your posts.
Me? I've been contemplating the last call on my biological clock. I've always wanted to have kids, but had stopped thinking about it for a long time because it was too painful to think about it.
Then recently I realized I've been having the most regular periods of my life for most of the past year. And having regular signs of ovulation which I never noticed before because I'm not sure they used to happen (I used to go a few months and then have super heavy periods which were probably not ovulation-induced). So the thought started arising as to whether I wanted to have a biological baby and if I do it has to happen SOON because I'm well into my forties.
I'm SO incredibly ambivalent--is it something I can handle, etc. etc.? How will I deal with my meds, etc.? How do I feel about what it would be like for a child with no "knowable" father, etc. etc.?
My feelings go back and forth on all of this. But I decided I have to do the research--see the ob/gyn and a fertility specialist, strategize with my pdoc, etc. etc.
Not to mention start keeping my place more livable. Part of me feels that I'm not fit to be a parent due to my depression--I'm afraid of what happens if I can't care for the child during a depressive episode? And look at how I keep my apartment and all the bad habits I've developed in terms of taking care of household and paperwork etc.
Ironically, though, my therapist and I think that I would find it easier to keep the place clean and functional if it weren't just for myself.
Then there are the financial work/family issues. I would really want to stay home with a baby at least for a while but I would not be able to afford that. And can I afford the cost of childcare?
OK and not to mention that I'm not even sure my body could manage a pregnancy--I'm way overweight and have insulin resistance. I think I'd need to get in better shape before getting pregnant.
So this is what's been on my mind lately.
Posted by Noa on November 28, 2004, at 13:29:19
In reply to Re: There's no where to write about ..., posted by NikkiT2 on November 28, 2004, at 6:43:10
Nikki, happy 30th birthday! (belated, I know)
I know the feeling of not know what age you feel. I don't feel my age (except when I first get up in the morning and my ankles don't work!)
You have grown so much in the time I have known you--you are so much more self-confident and willing to take good risks.
I know about the self-doubt you describe--I experience it all the time, even though I know I have gained greater self-confidence in many ways over the years.
I'm surprised you can wear the stilletos after being used to flats all the time--I'm so used to flats that even slight heels feel uncomfortable to me.
Enjoy the shoes and the new clothes.
Posted by Noa on November 28, 2004, at 13:31:31
In reply to Re: There's no where to write about ..., posted by coral on November 28, 2004, at 10:16:55
Hi, Coral. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. What do you mean by BP phobia? I hope the meds do their job--are they helping?
Posted by coral on November 28, 2004, at 14:24:51
In reply to Re: There's no where to write about ... » coral, posted by Noa on November 28, 2004, at 13:31:31
Dear Noa,
I went through 18 months of extraordinarily inept medical care when the anxiety/depression first hit. I was on synthroid from a thyroidectomy 15 years earlier and my BP was extremely high. Kept begging for a thyroid test. Finally ordered one myself and, sure enough, my thyroid was skyhigh which was elevating my BP, plus the meds the docs had me on increased BP and precipitated early menopause.
Consequently, I became extremely phobic about BP and about having my BP taken. How's that for a phobia? If I'm afraid of heights, it's not going to cause me to fall off a building. But, a BP phobia? Natural response? Increased BP.
I stayed away from MD's for years (except for my gyn. who's terrific) and earlier this year, I found an MD I trusted. BP was normal. He left private private! Went to a new doc and he was a carbon copy of my first really bad doc. Systolic BP was extremely high. I've found another doc who listens and the bp was lower but still elevated.
So, I'm battling ASD, situationally high bp (at least that's the immediate diagnosis) plus the blasted phobia. I'm tackling a lot of demons on many fronts and would just rather hide under the covers..,.
Coral
Posted by NikkiT2 on November 29, 2004, at 15:11:45
In reply to Re: There's no where to write about ... » NikkiT2, posted by Noa on November 28, 2004, at 13:29:19
Its strange, but you've known me through the biggest periods of change in my life.. its 6 years nearly since I came here and first met you, and I know I am incredibly different person to what i was!!
I wanted to weigh in on the baby issue. I'm going through some of the same kind of feelings.. In a smuch as I know the time for me and J to "breed" is getting closer, and wanting to get into shape for it.. but also wondering how on earth I would cope with a baby when I can barely look after myself..
I guess only time will tell..
Personally - I think you will make a wonderful mum, and have some wonderful insight into teenage years (which, lets face it, is its own form of mental illness!) and be so loving.. Because you'd be having this baby for the love of the baby, because you want the baby.. think of how many babies are so called "mistakes", and still grow up loved.. your baby would be even more loved!OK< rambling *L*
Nikki xx
Posted by coral on November 29, 2004, at 18:21:46
In reply to Re: There's no where to write about ... » coral, posted by Noa on November 28, 2004, at 13:31:31
Thanks for asking, Noa.... the meds...they've increased the BP med but the problem is that....so far...they've been unable to get an accurate reading; they're situationally elevated.
so, the goal is for me to learn to take my bp at home....that's a hurdle that's simply beyond me at the moment.
Coral
Posted by Noa on November 29, 2004, at 19:02:39
In reply to Re: There's no where to write about ..., posted by coral on November 29, 2004, at 18:21:46
Isn't it always the way? Going to the doctor makes our BP go up!
I noticed a long time ago that my BP taken before giving blood was always better than it was at the doctors.
Good luck, Coral.
Posted by Noa on November 29, 2004, at 19:03:20
In reply to Re: There's no where to write about ... » Noa, posted by NikkiT2 on November 29, 2004, at 15:11:45
Nikki, thanks for that very supportive ramble. :)
Posted by Shar on November 29, 2004, at 21:53:40
In reply to Re: There's no where to write about ... » NikkiT2, posted by Noa on November 29, 2004, at 19:03:20
Wowee! Stilettos (I love them!)....BP phobia....biological clocks....Wooo Hoooo....are we alive or what??
It is so good to see you all. It has brought me much peace and pleasure just seeing your names and knowing how you are.
Thank you all so much!
(still in the pits....just came up to post this...)But, as usual, I will run on a bit. Nikki, I agree with others who say they've seen you grow and mature in thought and nature...and now, neato, stilletos for the party! Wheeee!
Coral, when you said BP I thought you meant Bi Polar. lololol. I thought...wow, I didn't know she even HAD that DX!! I'm glad you're finding good docs (even if only here and there). And, my mom has to take her BP at home, and she has this little machine she just puts on, and presses a button. You know it changes thru the day and with emotional/situational changes (just like eye pressure), so it would be great if you could get you a little BP machine.
Noa...wow, you bring up so many good points! My belief: When you are a parent, you do the thing(s) you have to do. You support your kid(s), you give them a good environment, you make sure you will be around to take care of them. It's like an alternate universe kicks in or something (remember Bizarro World in Superman Comics?). So, I would not worry. I think you, as I know you, would be a great mom!
What a great thread!
xoxo
Shar
Posted by coral on November 30, 2004, at 9:15:03
In reply to Re: There's no where to write about ..., posted by Shar on November 29, 2004, at 21:53:40
Dear Shar,
Oh, yeah....... we have one of those -- my husband uses it to monitor his bp. However, WARNING:::: wild, nutty phobia voice talking now:::: you want me to put my arm in a machine that'll grip it so hard my arm will fall off and I can't get free? Trapped like a fox in the woods? Gosh, and what if the numbers are high? There's not a doc in the house:::: end of phobia voice
I told my doc I wanted him to knock me out for 24 hours and take as many readings as he'd like....the spoilsport said that was cheating.
At least I've begun to master exercising (another fav. topic of the phobia voice)....
so.... my goal is to stay calm while tackling a phobia........ bitsy baby steps.... LOL
xoxoxo
Coral
Posted by Shar on December 1, 2004, at 0:16:45
In reply to Re: There's no where to write about ...Shar, posted by coral on November 30, 2004, at 9:15:03
Dear Coral,
I'd say your wild, nutty, phobia voice is most excellent indeed! There are only a few people in the world who have seen all the arms that have fallen off in my pharmacy (they have a free BP machine)! The pharmacy people just take the arms and put them in a special container which is then carried off in the dead of night. You are a wise woman!lolol.
However, I, myself, have joined Exerciser's Anonymous. You call an 800 number and someone comes over until the urge passes.
I agree totally with itsy, bitsy baby steps! Congratulations!
xoxoxo
Shar
> Dear Shar,
>
> Oh, yeah....... we have one of those -- my husband uses it to monitor his bp. However, WARNING:::: wild, nutty phobia voice talking now:::: you want me to put my arm in a machine that'll grip it so hard my arm will fall off and I can't get free? Trapped like a fox in the woods? Gosh, and what if the numbers are high? There's not a doc in the house:::: end of phobia voice
>
> I told my doc I wanted him to knock me out for 24 hours and take as many readings as he'd like....the spoilsport said that was cheating.
>
> At least I've begun to master exercising (another fav. topic of the phobia voice)....
>
> so.... my goal is to stay calm while tackling a phobia........ bitsy baby steps.... LOL
>
> xoxoxo
>
> Coral
Posted by coral on December 1, 2004, at 6:13:54
In reply to Re: There's no where to write about » coral, posted by Shar on December 1, 2004, at 0:16:45
Dearest Shar,
THANK YOU!!! What a great laugh for me. thank you thank you thank you
xoxox
Coral
Posted by Noa on December 1, 2004, at 15:53:41
In reply to Re: There's no where to write about Shar, posted by coral on December 1, 2004, at 6:13:54
Try being me--arm too large for the regular BP cuff but some med techs still try to squeeze me into it! Haven't lost my arm, but my arm has become quite sympathetic with its two feminine neighbors who get the doc's torture treatment every few years!
Even with the big cuff, sometimes they wrap it so that it gets way too tight--it's so painful that I end up holding my breath at the end--how does that affect the reading?!
Posted by coral on December 2, 2004, at 5:47:52
In reply to Re: There's no where to write about Shar, posted by Noa on December 1, 2004, at 15:53:41
Oh, Noa,
That must be very painful! I understand there are other devices, such as a wrist measurer and a fingertip device (although the fingertip device isn't quite as accurate). Would either of these help?
Coral
Posted by Shar on December 3, 2004, at 22:28:02
In reply to Re: There's no where to write about Noa, posted by coral on December 2, 2004, at 5:47:52
Ditto what Coral said! I know there are alternatives. Have you tried some?
Much sympathy, for your arm AND the girls! I can relate to that one quite well. I think they need to just be honest about it....yeah, it looks nice and doctorish, but, really it's a plastic version of a machine press from the auto industry....
xoxo
Shar
This is the end of the thread.
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