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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 7 of 7. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Jadah on July 17, 2005, at 11:59:07
its been awhile since ive been here, partly b/c of whats going on, I know many do not agree. Although my affair with my T ended briefly (2months), it had resumed and has been going on for a year or more. Weve definitely grew closer recently (if we could possibly get any closer) after I had been hospitalized numerous times and had MAJOR surgery to try to get my cancer under control. He cried like a baby with me in the hospital, I know he's scared of losing me. I love him so bad it hurts- if this makes any sense- it hurts to be with him and without him. He has been talking about leaving his wife, we spend a more significant amount of time together than they do. I thought hearing that would be a dream come true. Ive waited patiently for even the thought of that. Quite honestly though, it scares me. As much as I love him I dont think we could be in a long lasting monogomous relationship together. One of the reasons our time together, the sex, the intimacy, our childlike fun.... is so good is b/c its risky, the anticipation of him is exciting, our time together means more b/c of all this. To be with him full time, I think would take all the excitement away. We never argue, when youre with someone all the time that happens. I wouldnt want my view of him to change b/c I would see all his flaws, his complete humanness (am I making any sense at all?). I have been in a relationship with someone for 6 months now, I figured, my T is married, I should go on with my life when he's not around. Ive really grown to care about this man and am often so confused. I think about my T almost obsessively sometimes even when Im with my boyfriend (I feel horrible about that) I try not to get jealous of my T when I know he is at home with his wife and kids, although it makes me feel better knowing their marriage is anything but healthy. (I know thats selfish of me). He's the best thing that has ever happened to me. Theraputically speaking, in 5 years of straight counseling with him, I have become a new person, whole, and sound in mind. (except when it comes to our relationship). I am a new person- healthy, happy, free of my past, no longer a victim. I am handling all of this well compared to how I would have a few years ago. Things are complicated at times. I still talk to him about my problems when I need to, he's always been there to take care of me and pick up the peices after Ive fallen. The fact that he knows everything about me can definately be scary sometimes, but he is very mindful of my baggage and handles me gently. Not sure where this will go, and I know it cant go on forever. I always pray that I can deal with whatever comes my way. I still have no regrets. I know many of you have thought and still do feel that this is a bad situation all the way around. I can respect that. Most of you have never been in my shoes, some of you wish it. Please dont judge my T or me. Tis my life, my feelings. Live and learn. Nice to be back. Look forward to hearing from any of you.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 17, 2005, at 14:31:50
In reply to its been awhile-anyone there?, posted by Jadah on July 17, 2005, at 11:59:07
Hello. I think maybe you meant to post to the psychology board rather than the students board???
Anyways... Hello.
I think... I get what you mean. I had a relationship with one of my teachers when I was at school. To start with it was wonderful. Felt like a dream come true. In the end we moved in together. And... Full time is a very different scenario. I guess thats where you find out how much the feelings are genuine vs transference.
I don't know what to say.
I don't judge you.
Though... I'll keep my thoughts about therapists who do that to myself.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 17, 2005, at 16:54:44
In reply to Re: its been awhile-anyone there?, posted by alexandra_k on July 17, 2005, at 14:31:50
... And about whether that is fair on your boyfriend.
It is a hard situation... I appreciate that. I do.
I just find it hard to see what good could come of it.
Though that being said sometimes it does work out. I just remember how I felt when my partner gave up everything for me and it took me around 3 months of the full-time thing for me to realise that my feelings were unsustainable.
But the magic beginnings.
I do remember those.
And in hindsight...
I still have some amazing memories.
Posted by Pfinstegg on July 18, 2005, at 19:05:01
In reply to its been awhile-anyone there?, posted by Jadah on July 17, 2005, at 11:59:07
Hi Jadah! It was good to hear from you, as I have been wondering what happened. I do think, overall, that in the long run there is likely to be an awful lot of pain in situations like yours, but, at the same time, perhaps not always. Frieda Fromm-Reichmann, who was the therapist in "I Never Promised You a Rose Garden", and was also a distinguished psychoanalyst at Chestnut Lodge in Maryland, married her patient, Erich Fromm. They were happily married for many years, and both led very productive professional and personal lives. This was long before any official pronouncements about sexual boundary crossings.
Still, there are some especially difficult issues- perhaps the same ones as all people face in marriage- but magnified because there are bound to be transference feelings which will change under the daily experience of marriage- if indeed he intends to do that. You mentioned some of these yourself, wondering whether you would be able to sustain the intense feelings you have for him.
The nicest thing you mentioned is that five years of therapy with him really helped you change,grow and become a happier person! That is just wonderful, and seems to show in your being able to handle an operation for cancer (I'm very sorry to hear that; I didn't know you were having to deal with that, too), and your starting a new relationship. Even though you don't feel completely sure about that one, it still shows self-confidence and personal hope that you did it.
I was one of the people who felt pretty negatively towards your therapist for allowing this to happen. I feel a bit differently now. I certainly don't judge you (and never did), but I do hear you say that this is what life has brought you, and that it has been very profound and meaningful. I do hope that you have some feeling of personal choice over what will happen in the future- that, if you wanted to, you could marry the man you choose. It would be hard to feel all the choice is in someone else's hands entirely.
Posted by Jadah on July 21, 2005, at 18:04:20
In reply to Re: its been awhile-anyone there?, posted by alexandra_k on July 17, 2005, at 16:54:44
not sure how i ended up in this room but im sooo glad you found me, you know my story. Good news- we talked. I do not feel that I am in need of therapy any longer. He has helped me that much. I have officially quit seeing him as a patient and I am ok with that. I will probably find someone else, short term, to process my feelings of loss. My T asked me where I feel I would be today had our affair never transpired. I think I would probably have killed myself. I would be an emotional mess at the very least and not wanting to go on. Our relationship, every aspect of it has molded and helped shape who I am right now, and where it is I want to go. I regret nothing and am very grateful for our relationship. Whats different now? I am ready to move on (soooon), I feel that with where I am at now in life I can finally go on without him. He doesnt complete me anymore, I am whole. I couldnt say that before. We both agreed this will end soon, that we both love eachother but we love our partners as well. We also know that we could never have a life together (full time). He no longer holds all of the control (when it will end, when i will see him...) Our break up will be a mutaul thing and that is where the healing will come a little easier for me. We will still have contact, to what degree i dont know we didnt get into that much detail. I feel, and i told him, that he has helped make my life where it is today, and it only seems right that he is around to see where it goes. That is important to me. Plus, If I dont beat this cancer..... I want his face to be the last that i see. How are you doing P? Do you still go into the other room? I have such a hard time finding my way around here! Look forward to hearing back. Dont always have access to a pc but i will return! take care
Posted by Jadah on July 21, 2005, at 18:19:14
In reply to Re: pfinstegg, posted by Jadah on July 21, 2005, at 18:04:20
how the heck do i get to the forum where i used to go and in the most current threads. I would like to update everyone else and talk to the gang. Can you help me. ive tried everything and am only able to find old listings.
Posted by Pfinstegg on July 21, 2005, at 20:13:46
In reply to Re: pfinstegg, posted by Jadah on July 21, 2005, at 18:04:20
What you have described sounds, against all the odds, extremely healthy and meaningful for you-both of you. It's amazing, really, how it all happened, and how it's now gradually ending, mutually, with you both feeling and acting as equal partners. And that you feel that you have a so much greater sense of yourself and your future than you did before. I really am amazed, but VERY glad for you!
All of your previous posts were on Psychobabble Psychology. You can easily find them in the archives- about a year ago? I know you would get more responses there from people who knew you when you were going through it all. I usually don't read this board, and I think it's not read as much as some of the others.
I'm one of the very few, or perhaps the only, person in analysis, and it is starting to go really well, and to be extremely rewarding, after a very difficult first two and a half years. I do read the boards, but I don't post, as what I am experiencing is so private, profound and wonderful that it's really not possible to share it with anyone other than my analyst. It's strange - I could share the painful times but the thrilling and joyful ones just seem too private and precious to put out on a board!
I wish you every possible good wish for your operation. I hope you will keep posting as your saga continues to unfold..
This is the end of the thread.
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