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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 80. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Lamdage22 on June 17, 2018, at 6:28:35
Hey Scott,
what is going on?
Posted by Lamdage22 on June 21, 2018, at 13:36:53
In reply to Are you okay scott?, posted by Lamdage22 on June 17, 2018, at 6:28:35
I am a little worried.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 24, 2018, at 20:02:51
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott?, posted by Lamdage22 on June 21, 2018, at 13:36:53
i have been feeling bad about what i said to you over on admin. i was working through some stuff and you were (really very kindly indeed) trying to help. and i was dismissive about something because it hit a nerve. but i know you mean well and i hope i didn't upset you. i didn't mean to sound dismissive of you, or anything like that. unappreciative. you have helped me a lot, at times and i value your being here.
i really hope you are okay, too.
Posted by SLS on June 24, 2018, at 21:29:27
In reply to Are you okay scott?, posted by Lamdage22 on June 17, 2018, at 6:28:35
> Hey Scott,
>
> what is going on?Hi, Lamdage.
I have been in a very dark place over the last two weeks. I am struggling and fighting off thoughts of suicide. I discontinued Parnate rather quickly and suffered withdrawal depression and anxiety. I seem to be past the worst of it, though. However, I still have lots of difficult life issues to deal with.
- Scott
Posted by Lamdage22 on June 28, 2018, at 20:30:20
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » Lamdage22, posted by SLS on June 24, 2018, at 21:29:27
Remind yourself that you are on this planet for a reason.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 28, 2018, at 21:37:16
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » Lamdage22, posted by SLS on June 24, 2018, at 21:29:27
I'm sorry to hear that you have been in a very dark place. I am glad that you seem to be past the worst of it now, though. Life issues are hard for me, too. Do you want to talk about some of what is going on for you?
Again, I am sorry that I wasn't more sensitive to you when you were going out of your way to try and help me, before. I get into a place, sometimes, where I am a bit like a dog with a bone, or something, with respect to needing to understand some particular thing...
I have come to realise that (after all these years of not believing it) I really do genuinely believe that all the people (myself included) actually do deserve to be healthy and to pursue our life plans etc. To have enough control of resources for those things to happen.
Most of my life I've been told that rights entail duties and who has duties to provide those things for you? But the government (in this country, at least) provisions most of us. Itself included. Most of the country are public employees and the government does fix their salary and it isn't right that some people aren't given enough to properly meet their basic need. And as for the private people, mostly they, again, live off of government hand-outs for winning whatever contract they won. So when it comes to the base salary that people have that is fixed by the government. In these parts, anyway, it seems to me. And there really is enough for everyone's need. But not for everyones greed. And the trouble with some peoples greed has to do with some kind of depravity, often enough, where people get their jollies off of the oppression of others...
I don't mean that you do.
But I reckon that you (same as me) might have been blamed and shamed for a bunch of stuff over the years that really wasn't your fault.
I have heard (not sure whether I believe it) that depression is anger turned inwards. I think a lot of my mental distress has been due to my directing negative / hostile feelings inwards. That I haven't been particularly good at identifying the remediable and avoidable things that are opressing me... That could be fixed or altered by reasonable courses of action... Just that I lack the power to MAKE people do what is right...
Especially in these parts where those in power seem to think the idea is to dig in their heels and be belligerant for as long as they can because of the killing they are making... Which they thought was justified because 'it was only temporary'. Only their redistribution of resources... All the money they get in the name of redistributing it to others.. The leaky bucket amounts that are... Well, I reckon people are taking money from the public health system and personally investing it in the private health system. So it gets to the point the government will be forced to private contract out for the provision of public health services... And how will the public / private health services be allocated to different people??
I don't suppose it can be much of any worse than the way things are now, with our public system. They've run it into the ground over the years.
Anyway...
I guess I'm still working through...
But I hope you know that *you* deserve to be happy and healthy. I mean, I know what it is to go through a dark place... But I hope you know that I reckon you surely deserve to be happy and healthy. I think all people deserve this. But I think you are more sensitive and kinder than most.
Sorry, I'm ranting a bit. Just want you to know that I've been thinking about you and, again, I'm sorry about where I was at, before.
Posted by SLS on June 29, 2018, at 7:18:51
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott?, posted by Lamdage22 on June 28, 2018, at 20:30:20
> Remind yourself that you are on this planet for a reason.
Thanks, Lamdage. Your support is important to me.
- Scott
Posted by SLS on June 29, 2018, at 12:59:45
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » SLS, posted by alexandra_k on June 28, 2018, at 21:37:16
> I'm sorry to hear that you have been in a very dark place. I am glad that you seem to be past the worst of it now, though. Life issues are hard for me, too. Do you want to talk about some of what is going on for you?
Life has passed me by. I have lived only moments of it a few hours or days at a time in remission. Pain and frustration. A life of vegetation. Lying in bed or on a couch for 40 years. My mind is dormant and my perceptions numbed to the world around me. No achievements. My contemporaries have had full lives and are now retiring. I have had nothing and could never catch up to ensure that I have care in old age. When I was young, my illness seemed to be but a temporary pause in my life. I had my whole life ahead of me. I dont any more. It is too late for me. I was born too early. What do I have to look forward to? Struggle? Frustration? Pain? Anxiety? Even were I to get better tomorrow, how would I accept the great loss? I have been in solitary confinement, imprisoned within bars that no man can penetrate or remove.
Mom might have Alzheimers. Her memory is getting worse. I dont know what to do. I dont know if I can deal with this. I dont know how I will deal with anything. I am too depressed. I have no more drive to get things done. Its too hard. I wish I could just live my life on the couch and not do anything. I want to sleep to escape. I dont think I can survive financially.
I am full of anxiety about these things and more. It is beginning to take its toll on me. The depression has become worse. How can I take care of myself? What happens as I grow older? I cant survive with the severe depression I have. I think I have had enough pain in my life. I cant struggle anymore. Im tired. I think about suicide. Who will take care of Mom? I cant take all of the responsibility. It is too much for me.
> Again, I am sorry that I wasn't more sensitive to you when you were going out of your way to try and help me, before.
Everything is fine. I don't even remember there being a problem.
I hope you can find an easier path with fewer obstacles.
- Scott
Posted by Lamdage22 on June 29, 2018, at 15:02:05
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on June 29, 2018, at 12:59:45
That sounds so frustrating. Your depression seems to be worse than mine. I always do to do lists.. Have you tried? You could do something easy first and then work your way up to the things that challenge you more. Baby steps. Every week you could do some more chores. And dont throw away the list(s). You can then look back on all the little successes you had and it will make you feel better. According to my computer i have done 1033 Chores since i started using the app.
I am frustrated too, but i think i will be rewarded for my endurance trying my best despite all symptoms i have.
What is your faith?
Posted by SLS on June 29, 2018, at 22:21:37
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott?, posted by Lamdage22 on June 29, 2018, at 15:02:05
> That sounds so frustrating. Your depression seems to be worse than mine. I always do to do lists.. Have you tried? You could do something easy first and then work your way up to the things that challenge you more. Baby steps. Every week you could do some more chores. And dont throw away the list(s). You can then look back on all the little successes you had and it will make you feel better. According to my computer i have done 1033 Chores since i started using the app.
>
> I am frustrated too, but i think i will be rewarded for my endurance trying my best despite all symptoms i have.
>
> What is your faith?I have a strong belief in God, although I don't really subscribe to any one religion. I am more spiritual than I am religious. My belief in God and spirituality have helped me to keep moving forward and avoid suicide. I worry, though, that I might lose my optimism and positive energy. Everyone has their breaking point.
I will try your recommendations. Thanks.
- Scott
Posted by sigismund on June 30, 2018, at 2:10:48
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on June 29, 2018, at 12:59:45
>Life has passed me by. I have lived only moments of it a few hours or days at a time in remission. Pain and frustration. A life of vegetation. Lying in bed or on a couch for 40 years. My mind is dormant and my perceptions numbed to the world around me. No achievements. My contemporaries have had full lives and are now retiring. I have had nothing and could never catch up to ensure that I have care in old age. When I was young, my illness seemed to be but a temporary pause in my life. I had my whole life ahead of me. I dont any more. It is too late for me. I was born too early. What do I have to look forward to? Struggle? Frustration? Pain? Anxiety? Even were I to get better tomorrow, how would I accept the great loss? I have been in solitary confinement, imprisoned within bars that no man can penetrate or remove.
Yes. Your words ring true. How to accept it? I want to acknowledge the way you feel..I'm not sure how being born later would have helped, but I do understand what you mean. Who knows anyway?
Posted by Lamdage22 on June 30, 2018, at 2:41:44
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » Lamdage22, posted by SLS on June 29, 2018, at 22:21:37
Well then you know that it is not too late at all... I dont think we can or should take a shortcut to whatever waits for us after this life.
Why did you stop volunteering? You said you were doing 7 hours a day which is pretty impressive. I cant do that right now. You had surgery? Its not an accusation i just want to understand your situation.
Posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2018, at 3:37:09
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on June 29, 2018, at 12:59:45
> Life has passed me by. I have lived only moments of it a few hours or days at a time in remission. Pain and frustration. A life of vegetation. Lying in bed or on a couch for 40 years. My mind is dormant and my perceptions numbed to the world around me. No achievements. My contemporaries have had full lives and are now retiring. I have had nothing and could never catch up to ensure that I have care in old age. When I was young, my illness seemed to be but a temporary pause in my life. I had my whole life ahead of me. I dont any more. It is too late for me. I was born too early. What do I have to look forward to? Struggle? Frustration? Pain? Anxiety? Even were I to get better tomorrow, how would I accept the great loss? I have been in solitary confinement, imprisoned within bars that no man can penetrate or remove.
Wow. That resonates with me, also. I do have moments when I think / fear that my life is over, already. That the best of it has passed. That I missed out on things, somehow, made some wrong crucial decision choices.
I have been labouring a bit. Quite a bit. To get into Medical School. I feel like if I get to do that then things will be just starting out for me, again. A sense of optimism about that. There are different entry pathways to it, over here. And I have been down a couple of them, over the last few years. And no luck with that, so far. So I'm starting to feel... Old... And jaded with it. And quite a lot foolish. Like I'm delusional about it, somehow. Like I've fallen for some big scam that promises false hope. That it's just a way of trying to post-pone suicide for... Just one more year. This will be the year for me - right?
While I watch my hair turn greyer. My face turn mushier and the morning creases take most of the day to dissipate...
I think I hear where you are coming from.
But then I also really do think that people are living for longer, all of the time. Longer and physically healthier. And people are retiring from non-physically demanding (and repetative and toxic) work not because their bodies are worn out, anymore, but because they feel they have done their time with it. Earned their retirement. Had enough of it, already.
There is an aspect of retirement that strikes me as being more like the 35 or 40 year olds blowing smoke up the 17 and 18 year old's *ss*s to try and motivate them to get their *ss*s to the front line while the old fogies stay home because they could't possibly be up to the task...
Reading about 'old man strength'. The kind that has your Dad pick up an engine out of a car all by himself... The kinds of things the 18 year olds can't do (the kinds of things their egos and the smarts of the older generation has them believe they can and the older folks can't)...
I just mean to say that I'm really genuinely coming around to the idea that people have a lot more life in them for a lot longer than they would have us believe... That accepting things are over already...
Well, it doesn't have to be that way.
I do understand why people want to retire early when they got into work so young. They want to have a period of their life where they get to live and enjoy it. But I reckon that means that people who are a bit later to get started can do their working closer to the other end.
I really did think.. With all my Arts focus and art friends before... That civilisation was really rather a lot further along than it seems to be. Things like racism and ageism and discrimination and identification of weakness (or the perception of anything approximating weakness) was the thing.. Anyway...
I have come to see that the tick tocking aspect is more to do with just how quickly people are ruining things. Can I get there before they've destroyed it completely?
My Mother is alzheimers when it suits her. She likes that, actually. Her old age gives her an excuse (she thinks) for behaving badly. Like a terrible toddler when she feels like it...
I won't be looking after her. She never looked after me. I have come to realise that she had me in order to trap my Father. That was probably why he married her - because she intentionally got herself pregnant with me. I don't know why I didn't see that before. It really makes sense of his always being so very ambivalent about me. And of her rubbing his face in... Me... All the time. 'You have to do whatever I say because you have a daughter now'.
Anyway... Souunds like things are not so bad between you and your MOther?
I feel like sleeping a lot, too. Do sleep a lot, in fact. I think sometimes the gym for me is more about an excuse to sleep... If / when I start lifing weights then it's not so very much work (in a temporal sense) and an awful lot of rest / sleep in between...
It is hard to see / know what to do...
What do you do with your days?
> Mom might have Alzheimers. Her memory is getting worse. I dont know what to do. I dont know if I can deal with this. I dont know how I will deal with anything. I am too depressed. I have no more drive to get things done. Its too hard. I wish I could just live my life on the couch and not do anything. I want to sleep to escape. I dont think I can survive financially.
>
> I am full of anxiety about these things and more. It is beginning to take its toll on me. The depression has become worse. How can I take care of myself? What happens as I grow older? I cant survive with the severe depression I have. I think I have had enough pain in my life. I cant struggle anymore. Im tired. I think about suicide. Who will take care of Mom? I cant take all of the responsibility. It is too much for me.
>
> > Again, I am sorry that I wasn't more sensitive to you when you were going out of your way to try and help me, before.
>
> Everything is fine. I don't even remember there being a problem.
>
> I hope you can find an easier path with fewer obstacles.
>
>
> - Scott
Posted by Lamdage22 on June 30, 2018, at 6:17:44
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » SLS, posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2018, at 3:37:09
Have you ever explored the realm of food sensitivities and food allergies? It can manifest in psychiatric symptoms.
Posted by Lamdage22 on June 30, 2018, at 6:49:41
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott?, posted by Lamdage22 on June 30, 2018, at 6:17:44
Posted by SLS on June 30, 2018, at 8:34:33
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott?, posted by Lamdage22 on June 30, 2018, at 2:41:44
> Why did you stop volunteering? You said you were doing 7 hours a day which is pretty impressive. I cant do that right now. You had surgery? Its not an accusation i just want to understand your situation.
I left my volunteer job last August in order to take care of my mother, who had spinal surgery. Then came my medical emergency. It took me about two months to recover. My reluctance to return to volunteering is partially monetary. It costs me quite a bit of money to commute. I am considering returning next week, though. It is hurting me to be home with nothing to do. I will start by going twice a week.
- Scott
Posted by Lamdage22 on June 30, 2018, at 9:47:28
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » Lamdage22, posted by SLS on June 30, 2018, at 8:34:33
Is there not some authority that can help you with the cost for the commute? The people where you work maybe or the state? Sometimes positive change can come without changing meds. I didnt change mine in ages and yet i am willing to do sports again which i did not for months. Hmm i am young. Its easy for me to talk... I didnt have to endure 40 years of mental illness. I endured merely 8 years. Let us know how it goes and have faith in the fact that things can become better even though you may not find your magic bullet med.
Probably not like the pre-mental illness years but livable.
Posted by alexandra_k on July 2, 2018, at 0:14:08
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » Lamdage22, posted by SLS on June 30, 2018, at 8:34:33
> I left my volunteer job last August in order to take care of my mother, who had spinal surgery. Then came my medical emergency. It took me about two months to recover. My reluctance to return to volunteering is partially monetary. It costs me quite a bit of money to commute. I am considering returning next week, though. It is hurting me to be home with nothing to do. I will start by going twice a week.
I see (a bit more). 7 days a week volunteering is a full time job of volunteering. What kind of work were you doing?
Posted by Deneb on July 3, 2018, at 19:23:39
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on June 29, 2018, at 12:59:45
I'm sorry to hear how difficult things have been for you. Life really isn't fair. I think a lot of it is just luck.
It's hard not to start thinking of all the lost time, but none of us really know how long we have. We're all dying really. I feel like depressed people likely really have a more accurate view of themselves and the world, but I also think it's perfectly fine to be delusional yet happy.
Even though my life is "good" right now, I wouldn't have regret anything if I had killed myself way back, because I'd be dead.
I don't believe in an afterlife, and I actually find great comfort in the fact that our lives don't matter. Everything will be gone in some millions of years. I don't believe that anything that we do will mean anything in the long run.
So I will just live my own short little life and see what adventures come. There will be sadness, happiness, good and bad times. It will be interesting.
Either way, all will be gone one way. I hope you can find some joy somewhere.
Posted by SLS on July 4, 2018, at 6:53:58
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » SLS, posted by alexandra_k on June 30, 2018, at 3:37:09
Hi, Alex.
> What do you do with your days?
Nothing. I don't know. Until recently, I was able to find things to do. I mostly played around on the computer. However, ever since discontinuing Parnate, I have been doing absolutely nothing but lying on the couch and binge watching Law & Order. Apparently, Trintellix is making me feel worse, not better. I have anxiety and can't get myself to do anything. I had planned on resuming my volunteering this week, but I don't have the motivation or energy. I decided to skip today's dose of Trintellix.
For now, I am not having any suicidal thoughts.
- Scott
Posted by Lamdage22 on July 4, 2018, at 7:03:41
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » alexandra_k, posted by SLS on July 4, 2018, at 6:53:58
Its always a risk to try stuff. What was so bad about your state with Parnate and Abilify? What do you mean when you say you were stuck?
Posted by SLS on July 4, 2018, at 7:04:16
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » SLS, posted by alexandra_k on July 2, 2018, at 0:14:08
> > I left my volunteer job last August in order to take care of my mother, who had spinal surgery. Then came my medical emergency. It took me about two months to recover. My reluctance to return to volunteering is partially monetary. It costs me quite a bit of money to commute. I am considering returning next week, though. It is hurting me to be home with nothing to do. I will start by going twice a week.
>
> I see (a bit more). 7 days a week volunteering is a full time job of volunteering. What kind of work were you doing?I was lucky enough to find an organization that caters to people with mental illness. It is understood that people will not be feeling well enough to engage in activities every day. Much of the work involves keeping the organization running by soliciting funding and performing administrative tasks. There are creative outlets as well. People produce art that is shown and sold in local galleries. Creative writing is supported by having workshops. Cooking and preparing lunch is another activity. There are social workers to help out with keeping people involved and encourage people to interact in the community. The people there are great.
- Scott
Posted by SLS on July 4, 2018, at 7:18:52
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott?, posted by Deneb on July 3, 2018, at 19:23:39
Hi, Deneb.
> I'm sorry to hear how difficult things have been for you. Life really isn't fair. I think a lot of it is just luck.
>
> It's hard not to start thinking of all the lost time, but none of us really know how long we have. We're all dying really. I feel like depressed people likely really have a more accurate view of themselves and the world, but I also think it's perfectly fine to be delusional yet happy.
>
> Even though my life is "good" right now, I wouldn't have regret anything if I had killed myself way back, because I'd be dead.
>
> I don't believe in an afterlife, and I actually find great comfort in the fact that our lives don't matter. Everything will be gone in some millions of years. I don't believe that anything that we do will mean anything in the long run.
>
> So I will just live my own short little life and see what adventures come. There will be sadness, happiness, good and bad times. It will be interesting.
>
> Either way, all will be gone one way. I hope you can find some joy somewhere.Many of my beliefs are aligned with yours. I do not believe that there is a hereafter. We pass through existence but once. I find that belief to be both orderly and terrorizing. When I was younger and had many years ahead of me, my age was not an issue. It is now. I am running out of time. I have suffered a life of struggle and pain. I would like to have my remaining years make my life having been worth living. I don't see remission happening for me.
- Scott
Posted by SLS on July 4, 2018, at 7:28:26
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott?, posted by Lamdage22 on July 4, 2018, at 7:03:41
Hi, Lamdage.
> Its always a risk to try stuff. What was so bad about your state with Parnate and Abilify? What do you mean when you say you were stuck?
Anhedonia, anergia, and lack of interest and motivation still plagued me. My abilities to read, learn, and remember were still greatly impaired. Psychomotor retardation was still a problem. Although there was some improvement, there wasn't enough for me to function very well and enjoy activities. I was leading an empty life. Because I have experienced remission several times, I know exactly how much I am missing.
- Scott
Posted by Lamdage22 on July 4, 2018, at 7:36:56
In reply to Re: Are you okay scott? » Lamdage22, posted by SLS on July 4, 2018, at 7:28:26
Maybe you have an unrealistic view of remission? Healthy people can still be unmotivated and dysphoric. They still have problems that need attention.
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