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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 30. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by moonshadow on August 28, 2009, at 17:01:48
I feel like I have a wonderful group of friends, and a couple who I feel really close to. The thing is, none of them know about my mental illness. One of them babysits for me while I go to my therapist, so she's aware that there is 'something' going on, and she's seen all my scars, obviously. But no one brings it up. It's weird, like the elephant in the room no one mentions. And with me, in the summer, it's horribly obvious because of my scars. Unless they think it's the cat, like the barista does.
I know by nature I'm a private person, and I'm very sensitive to rejection, so that may factor in to why I don't talk about it or bring it up myself. I don't want to risk someone misunderstanding, or not 'getting it'.
Actually, I have had two friends who truly knew me - one died in May, and the other one moved across the world.
I just feel so....false. Yet do I really want to be known?
How much of your mental issues do your friends know? Is it common to have everyone around you in the dark?
Posted by Phil on August 28, 2009, at 17:43:52
In reply to How much do your friends know?, posted by moonshadow on August 28, 2009, at 17:01:48
I tell everyone I know, more or less, what I deal with.
_____________________________________________
Where were you yesterday, Phil?I was at my shrinks office. I'm having problems with one of my bipolar meds and have been in the hospital. Two months ago I was in a psych unit after a suicide attempt.
You know, my son in law is bipolar and has a tough time with it. No one to talk to about it that understands.
OK, here's my cell #, tell him to call if he wants.
_______________________________________________
MI is eveywhere! Look at the best selling drugs in your country.
I'm very open...too open some think. I don't care. This is the face of mental illness and I'll be damned if I'll be ashamed of it.
I'm 56 and have been on meds 25 years. I'm too old to give a rats *ss what others think.
I'm not going to heap shame on myself for an illness I really didn't want.
Posted by Sigismund on August 28, 2009, at 17:54:16
In reply to Re: How much do your friends know? » moonshadow, posted by Phil on August 28, 2009, at 17:43:52
Maybe I manage to appear unthreatening? People come up to me and tell me about the ADs they are on. I say 'I get mine from Odessa in Ukraine, and I get this other one from Poland', but I am lucky and live in a place where people are comfortable, more or less, being oddballs. Many aspire (though not all succeed) to what Phil said
>I'm too old to give a rats *ss what others think
Posted by Phil on August 28, 2009, at 17:57:38
In reply to How much do your friends know?, posted by moonshadow on August 28, 2009, at 17:01:48
I think I follow the line of thought that you're only as sick as your secrets.
Your friends see your scars. Tell them you had a problem that you work to correct everyday.
If they like you, they will only get closer. You think they don't have secrets too?
(This is the way I look at things. I don't expect others to follow but it works for me. For better or worse, I talk. I HAVE TO.)
Posted by obsidian on August 28, 2009, at 21:54:05
In reply to How much do your friends know?, posted by moonshadow on August 28, 2009, at 17:01:48
depends on who it is, my closest friend knows pretty much everything
the ones who are comfortable with the idea of therapy know I am in therapy, I don't mind saying I am in therapy so much...
but I am careful about discussing the meds
the antidepressant is one thing...but the antipsychotic, mood stabilizer and benzodiazepine just require too much explanation
I have to keep up my illusion of sanity to the rest of the world ;-), ha ha
I tell my family almost nothing.
Posted by Sigismund on August 28, 2009, at 22:14:38
In reply to Re: How much do your friends know? » moonshadow, posted by obsidian on August 28, 2009, at 21:54:05
It's like (well, perhaps not for Moonshadow. You must realise how beautiful moonshadows are. I'd go walking on full moon night just to see it all) which drug are you the most ashamed of?
At the station I was asked to do something outside, so I whipped out my sunglasses in preparation for the event (as you do) and the bits of the glasses that go around your ears caught on all the pill foil strips in my top pocket.
The bloke who works on the front desk with me said
'Your prescription medicines have fallen all over the floor', to which I readily agreed.
Posted by Phillipa on August 28, 2009, at 23:54:56
In reply to Re: How much do your friends know?, posted by Sigismund on August 28, 2009, at 22:14:38
I've found that bringing up medications lets others feel free to do the same. I think I live in the most medicated neighborhood in the Universe. Now If I didn't bring it up I wouldn't know any of this. Ask me a question and I'll tell you the truth my motto. Phillipa
Posted by Phil on August 29, 2009, at 0:57:23
In reply to Re: How much do your friends know?, posted by Phillipa on August 28, 2009, at 23:54:56
Posted by Moonshadow on August 29, 2009, at 8:11:26
In reply to Re: How much do your friends know?, posted by Phillipa on August 28, 2009, at 23:54:56
This is giving me a lot of food for thought. I'm not on any meds except Seroquel for sleep. I just say "a sleep med". Not an antipsychotic to keep the voices in my head quiet." In the past I was on a ton of meds.
I don't judge others with MI, but I judge myself so harshly, like I should be stronger. My family has always been shameful about it, my hospitizations and such. I try so hard look normal. I want to be real, but I'm afraid of the reactions I'll get.
Posted by Phil on August 29, 2009, at 8:34:31
In reply to Re: How much do your friends know?, posted by Moonshadow on August 29, 2009, at 8:11:26
Go with your gut. : )
Posted by Sigismund on August 29, 2009, at 15:50:45
In reply to Re: How much do your friends know?, posted by Moonshadow on August 29, 2009, at 8:11:26
>I try so hard look normal.
Got it in one! Everybody's at it. That's what normality is. It changes over time and place, of course. Alan Bennett writes beautifully about his mother's idea of normality in Yorkshire in the 50s. She was so unworldly that her idea of broaching normality was to get some sherry in and some biscuits so she and her husband could 'branch out a bit'. She asked the vicar if he might like some for morning tea (big mistake!). She became depressed. I don't think anybody should upset themselves too much about this world-wide conspiracy. Just find some people to be comfortable with.
Posted by Kath on August 29, 2009, at 17:31:01
In reply to How much do your friends know?, posted by moonshadow on August 28, 2009, at 17:01:48
My friends know I get depressed & have SAD & get anxious.
My friends know the details about my son's drug use & schizophrenia.
Even some of the pottery guild members know these things. I've found it VERY liberating to talk about these things. Sometimes people seem to feel a bit startled at first when I talk about them, but usually they then tell me either about their experience or someone they know - with depression or loved ones being depressed or doing drugs, etc. In my case, it's been a very positive experience talking about those things.
One time at the pottery studio, something had just happened & when a couple of potters who I like asked me how I was I started to cry. They were nice about it & it felt good to just be REAL. A couple of people who were there at the same time saw me crying, but just kept doing what they were doing in a different part of the room. It actually felt very healthy to just be real & not pretend I felt different to how I did feel.
I think it's important to go with our 'gut feelings' about who it's 'safe' to be open with & who it isn't safe.
Kath
Posted by Kath on August 29, 2009, at 17:38:59
In reply to Re: How much do your friends know? » moonshadow, posted by Phil on August 28, 2009, at 17:43:52
Phil - I love how you described your openness.
I think this is precisely what is needed.
My son gets assistance from the CMHA (Canadian Mental Health Association). So do I. One of their main things is to get the word out that SO many people in all walks of life struggle with Mental Illness.
It makes me feel good when I'm with my son & he answers his phone & says, "I'm just having an appointment at the Mental Health office" or, "I'll call you when I'm done my psychiatrist appointment", or "I'm just on my way to my therapist appointment". SO refreshing that he's so open & not ashamed! And this is a 25 yr old guy who is into the music/DJ/Rave/music mixing scene. Mind you, his good friends saw him when he came back from BC in a pretty zombie-ish state, so it's not as if they don't know what he's been through, but it still seems tremendously Healthy the way he is so open about it.
You're doing a huge service to everyone with MI by your openness. Thank you.
love, Kath
Posted by Sigismund on August 29, 2009, at 17:40:33
In reply to Re: How much do your friends know? » moonshadow, posted by Kath on August 29, 2009, at 17:31:01
Kath, do you think people as they get older become more realistic about what normality is and become more accepting?
That's been my experience.
People these days are more inclined to say 'You're fine just the way you are'.
I admit that it would be different if I was covered in scars, that is I would feel different.
Once at the station I was asked how I felt.
'Not good', I said
'Double the dose', was the ironic reply.
I mentioned my experience with opiates.
'Maybe not then' she said.
There was no judgment at all that I could feel.
Posted by Sigismund on August 29, 2009, at 17:57:44
In reply to Re: How much do your friends know?, posted by Moonshadow on August 29, 2009, at 8:11:26
>I don't judge others with MI, but I judge myself so harshly, like I should be stronger.
You know from Desiderata.....
'Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself'.I've found my experience as a parent has made me more like that. It clearly doesn't happen like that for everyone.
Posted by Phil on August 29, 2009, at 18:07:33
In reply to Re: How much do your friends know? » Phil, posted by Kath on August 29, 2009, at 17:38:59
Aw shucks Kath..thank you.
I think mental illness is where alcoholism used to be. Just don't tell anyone.
Huge shame, etc. Now kids of all ages are in rehab. They talk about it and so do their folks.
It's as it should be.
We have mental health parity now in the US..right there with physical health.
Why should I hide either?
Posted by Kath on August 30, 2009, at 14:20:40
In reply to Re: How much do your friends know?, posted by Sigismund on August 29, 2009, at 17:40:33
> Kath, do you think people as they get older become more realistic about what normality is and become more accepting?
>
> That's been my experience.~ ~ I totally agree. Well maybe not everybody, but I think a lot of people are like that.
> People these days are more inclined to say 'You're fine just the way you are'.
~ ~ Maybe as we get older, we know that some things change & some don't & maybe we sort of have to come to terms with some things in ourselves & therefore are more accepting of things in others?
> I admit that it would be different if I was covered in scars, that is I would feel different.
~ ~ yes; I might also. But mind you, I now have all kinds of lines in my face that I have to accept - seriously. Although I know that's not the same as scars.
> Once at the station I was asked how I felt.
> 'Not good', I said
> 'Double the dose', was the ironic reply.
> I mentioned my experience with opiates.
> 'Maybe not then' she said.
> There was no judgment at all that I could feel.~ ~ Wow. Thanks for telling that Dec. I think the whole conversation is wonderful!!
(((((((((((((you)))))))))))))
muchoh love, & Damn! I wish we weren't on the other side of the planet from each other.
:-)) Kath
Posted by Phil on August 30, 2009, at 14:26:27
In reply to Re: How much do your friends know? » Sigismund, posted by Kath on August 30, 2009, at 14:20:40
I wish we weren't on the other side of the planet from each other.
true that
Posted by Kath on August 30, 2009, at 14:28:10
In reply to Re: How much do your friends know? » Kath, posted by Phil on August 29, 2009, at 18:07:33
I think the more that people with MI are open & talk about it, absolutely the better.
A few months ago, my son & I went to a HUGE event being held for Mental Health Awareness Week.
The main speaker was Bill MacPhee, a man with Schizophrenia who is also the founder of a major Schizophrenia magazine, Schizophrenia Digest.
The link to info about him & the magazine is below. Bill MacPhee was the main speaker & BOY was he good. It was totally amazing to have him up there on the stage telling his whole story!!!
http://www.schizophrenia.com/sznews/archives/001717.html
It was a wonderful event. There was also art work there dealing with mental illness & photos also.
Kath
Posted by Sigismund on August 30, 2009, at 15:42:38
In reply to Re: How much do your friends know? » Phil, posted by Kath on August 30, 2009, at 14:28:10
I suppose it's the same where you are?
Here the conspiracy starts with every encounter.
The conversation is meant to go
"How are you?'
"Great, and how are you?"
"Great."
and then the conversation starts.
But being me, I refuse to cooperate in a slightly underhand and cowardly way. So it goes, other person first
"How are you?"
"Hi"
"Great"
"No, I'm not really."
"Not really what?"
"Not high yet."
Posted by Kath on August 30, 2009, at 18:03:21
In reply to Re: How much do your friends know?, posted by Sigismund on August 30, 2009, at 15:42:38
> I suppose it's the same where you are?
>
> Here the conspiracy starts with every encounter.
>
> The conversation is meant to go
>
> "How are you?'
>
> "Great, and how are you?"
>
> "Great."
>
> and then the conversation starts.
>
> But being me, I refuse to cooperate in a slightly underhand and cowardly way. So it goes, other person first
>
> "How are you?"
>
> "Hi"
>
> "Great"
>
> "No, I'm not really."
>
> "Not really what?"
>
> "Not high yet."~ ~ LOL LOVE it!!!
Sometimes when people say "How are you?"
I'll say, "Do you want the truth or a polite answer?" Then I smile.Or depending on who it is, it can go:
"How are you?"
"Not very 'how', as Winnie the Pooh would say."
;-))
When I was in my mid-teens, I remember going with my friend to her relatives' house. I guess I had led a sheltered life, or something....it must have been the first time I'd actually done a 'formal' introduction.
So, when the Aunt (or whoever it was) held out her hand to shake hands & said, "How do you do?"I held out my hand & replied to the question:
"Fine thank you." I felt really awkward. I guess I hadn't been taught that one could say, "I'm glad to meet you." or something like that!When I was a teen, I worked one summer helping an elderly lady with her housework. I'd go every day & spend maybe half a day. It was a lovely summer; it was about a half-hour walk through our town, which had sidewalks bordered by big old trees, including a shortcut through a lovely huge church property with towering pines & nice little paved walks.
I'd walk along, reading my book on the way there & back! I still am not sure how I did that, but it's a specific memory as to loving the walk to & fro.Anyway, this lady told me that with her age had come aches & pains, & she Hated it when people met her on the street & asked "How are you?"
She would pointedly ignore the question & just begin talking about whatever she wanted to talk about.I just read "Wrestling With Rhinos" by Dr. Jerry Haigh. It was about a vet in Kenya in the 1960's. He told about the Swahili formula for greeting each other when he would go & visit an African farmer to tend the cattle.
I found it sort of lovely for some reason - here it is, copied from the book:>>>"Jambo daktari" (Good morning, doctor.)
>>>"Jambo mzee" (Good morning, old man. "Old man" being a term of respect, whatever the age of the man.)
>>>"Habari?" (What news?)
>>>"Mzuri, habari yako?" (Good news, what is your news?)
>>>"Mzuri, lakini....' (Good news, but...)
>>>The "but" could be anything from a minor inconvenience to a major catastrophe. The essential thing was to observe the niceties of form and start the conversation politely.
So, it's interesting, that even in those times & in that location there was the 'polite starting a conversation' thing going on!!
I love the "What news?" part!!!
I think I'll incorporate it into my conversations with my kids! We like to joke around, so it might be fun.
So I phone son.
He answers "Hello."
"Jambo son's name...what news?"The first time he'll think I'm nuttier than I even am! LOL
:-))) Kath
Posted by Kath on August 30, 2009, at 18:04:58
In reply to Re: How much do your friends know? sig » Kath, posted by Phil on August 30, 2009, at 14:26:27
> I wish we weren't on the other side of the planet from each other.
>
> true that~ ~ I hate it that I'm so very far away from people here who I feel quite close to.
Not fair.
Kath xo
Posted by Phillipa on August 30, 2009, at 19:32:01
In reply to Re: How much do your friends know? sig » Phil, posted by Kath on August 30, 2009, at 18:04:58
Kath the first thing we say here What's new? Love Phillipa
Posted by Kath on August 30, 2009, at 20:09:21
In reply to Re: How much do your friends know? sig » Kath, posted by Phillipa on August 30, 2009, at 19:32:01
> Kath the first thing we say here What's new? Love Phillipa
~ ~ yes, actually a lot of people here say that also.
My son & his friends say, "Whadareyasayin?"
When he phones me he usually says, "What's up?"
I started the "Jambo son" & "What news?" thing tonight. He jumped right onboard...it's fun.
Kath
Posted by Phillipa on August 30, 2009, at 20:49:51
In reply to Jambo Phillipa, what news? » Phillipa, posted by Kath on August 30, 2009, at 20:09:21
Kath latest saying I've heard here is "bite me". Bunch of vampires live here I guess. Grown adults too. Love Phillipa
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