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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 14 of 14. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by llrrrpp on June 12, 2006, at 19:59:43
My best friends IRL are all super busy/stressed right now. Even the ones that said "I'll be there for you..." you know the ones. I planned very carefully who I would tell about my major depression.
person 1 I told first. I didn't expect any support from her. She has alluded to it once, in about 3 monthsperson 2 I told second. He went on a walk with me and told me about different medicines. How fantastic he felt, and that if I ever felt like hurting myself, to let him know (Fu*king bullsh*t). I reached out to him twice. And he let me down twice. The worst was last week. I saw him and he looked sheepish and mumbled- um, I'm sorry I didn't return your messages. no explanation. Obviously doesn't have himself together enough to support a suicidal friend. It's a lot to ask of someone, after all.
person 3. has been busy? or maybe avoiding me? for about 2 weeks, possibly 3. Still friendly, but doesn't ever invite me places. Doesn't stop by my office anymore. I used to see her several times a day. Now I see her once a week.
person 4. invited me over once for barbeque. since then has found out that she will be moving across the country and has to wrap up a major project in 4 weeks. Has not returned e-mails. We are co-workers on a project. Has not contributed to project, or answered emails in 10 days
person 5. I asked if she wanted to go shopping. she politely declined, saying she has a lot of things going on, which is true
I'm plum out of people now. I'm sick of reaching out. I feel so deserted. I know I'm not a complete loser. But everyone else is so busy. I still feel rejected, and it hurts. I don't know who to blame, really. So I blame myself. I'm a drag, I'm a downer, I'm a burden, It's a chore to hang out with me. And the slightest bit of loneliness. Well, it hurts. I don't have very good coping mechanisms for loneliness. Existing coping mechanisms are self-destructive or require too much energy. Distraction with DVDs (that was the plan for tonight) tends to trigger me too much. Apparently good storied involve things that freak me out (pretty much everything freaks me out)- i.e. loss of a loved one, death, violence, spooky supernatural, politics, ...
If *I* can't even be alone with me, how can I expect others to be alone with me?
I feel like such a weakling. Can't live by myself. I've been doing this for 16 months now (husband is in the military, I only see him about 50 days a year)
If I can't do it (be happy on my own) by now, is it ever going to get better? Is it going to get worse?
right now I have a confluence of things that SHOULD be good for me-- therapy, anti-depressants, exercise, good weather, chocolate, frozen confections, low stress in life, I don't get it. Why am I so susceptible to loneliness. I feel like such a wimp that my happiness might rest on one person (husband).
I dunno. I really don't know. I really don't want to resort to my coping mechanisms. Can't reach out though. I've tried to hard, for too long. I feel too needy. I've demanded too much, from too many. I'm only a person, with flaws. I'm not worth this much effort. I don't even want to give the effort to myself (sometimes).
Today was pretty good. I did everything right. I got up early. I did some jogging and walking. I said "good morning" to people. I had nice conversations and shared juicy gossip at work. I ate healthy, nourishing food, and some chocolatey treats too. Phillipa will be happy to know that I rode my bike to work and back. The weather was gorgeous. I had physical therapy and got a short massage for my back (very nice), and so on.
And still. persistent blues. dark blues. I don't get it.
I hate being dependent on other people to make me happy I HATE IT.
having said that-- send me your hugs. I need them. Am I worth it? whatever. i don't care.
Posted by Phillipa on June 12, 2006, at 20:26:39
In reply to I'm (too?) needy, posted by llrrrpp on June 12, 2006, at 19:59:43
Hugs to you!!!!!!Love Phillipa
Posted by rainbutterfly on June 12, 2006, at 21:13:26
In reply to I'm (too?) needy, posted by llrrrpp on June 12, 2006, at 19:59:43
I am new, scared and I relate. ugh. I hope hugs from a butterfly help a bit ((((((llrrrpp))))))
Posted by llrrrpp on June 12, 2006, at 21:17:06
In reply to Re: I'm (too?) needy, posted by rainbutterfly on June 12, 2006, at 21:13:26
hugs from butterfly are nice
very gentlei like
(((((butterfly)))))
Posted by llrrrpp on June 12, 2006, at 21:19:09
In reply to Re: I'm (too?) needy » llrrrpp, posted by Phillipa on June 12, 2006, at 20:26:39
> Hugs to you!!!!!!Love Phillipa
Thanks P
love,
llhope you get some good bike-riding weather tomorrow.
Posted by Deneb on June 12, 2006, at 21:37:09
In reply to I'm (too?) needy, posted by llrrrpp on June 12, 2006, at 19:59:43
((((((((((((((((((((((llrrrpp))))))))))))))))))))))
Sometimes depression doesn't make any sense. Maybe for some people it is almost entirely a "chemical" thing. By the sounds of it, you're doing everything right for your depression and loneliness, but you still get depressed and it totally sucks. I hear you. (((((llrrrpp))))))
It's too bad your friends aren't there for you. Like you said, they probably have their own issues to deal with. I think this is when professionals come in handly. They won't turn you down if you reach out.
I wish you didn't feel so lonely.
Deneb*
Posted by llrrrpp on June 12, 2006, at 21:41:08
In reply to Re: You're not too needy » llrrrpp, posted by Deneb on June 12, 2006, at 21:37:09
> It's too bad your friends aren't there for you. Like you said, they probably have their own issues to deal with.
Yep
>I think this is when professionals come in handly. They won't turn you down if you reach out.
My T is on vacation this week. I only see him thrice in June. Bad timing.
> I wish you didn't feel so lonely.
Me too. I wish I could get a kitten, but I travel too much. Can you send me some fluffy hamster love?
-l
p.s. my CES-D score went down from 51 to 46. a 10% improvment. well.
Posted by Jost on June 12, 2006, at 21:52:12
In reply to Re: I'm (too?) needy » Phillipa, posted by llrrrpp on June 12, 2006, at 21:19:09
That's a hard question, llrrrpp.
I ask myself that question all the time--or used to, until I stopped asking and turned on the TV and found all the inane shows that didn't have anything about death, horrible diseases, psychopathic or other killers, blood, body parts, haunted houses, loss, angst, lame forced humor with a laugh track, or celebrities.
Now I ask myself why I spaz out watching TV all the time. Why I don't read a good book or otherwise improve myself.
If I had a friend who was going through a hard time, I'd want to be there-- but maybe I'd be afraid I would say or do the wrong thing? or not know what they needed. Maybe I'd be too distracted or disturbed by my own (unexpressed) internal conflicts or worries to do it.
I'm really sorry your friends didn't come through for you, but it's not because you're too needy.
I wish you weren't in a long-distance relationship. How long will it be that way?
Jost
Posted by curtm on June 12, 2006, at 22:28:24
In reply to I'm (too?) needy, posted by llrrrpp on June 12, 2006, at 19:59:43
ttyl
Posted by Deneb on June 12, 2006, at 22:35:26
In reply to Re: You're not too needy, posted by llrrrpp on June 12, 2006, at 21:41:08
Fuffly hamster love coming your way >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>llrrrpp
A 10% impovement sounds significant. :-)
Deneb*
Posted by greywolf on June 13, 2006, at 16:37:11
In reply to Re: You're not too needy » llrrrpp, posted by Deneb on June 12, 2006, at 22:35:26
Hang in there, llrrrp. Don't let others' inability to understand, sympathize, or assist influence how you view yourself. That's all beyond your control.
The idea of getting a therapist you can turn to during these times is a good one, if for nothing else than the reliability factor.
Posted by curtm on June 13, 2006, at 22:09:16
In reply to I'm (too?) needy, posted by llrrrpp on June 12, 2006, at 19:59:43
> I hate being dependent on other people to make me happy I HATE IT.
You are human. This is a necessity. Point blank.
Indulge in as much of it as you can. It is so tasty when you have it.
Just don't forget to give it back. You are ok, girl.
Posted by Dinah on June 14, 2006, at 9:18:42
In reply to I'm (too?) needy, posted by llrrrpp on June 12, 2006, at 19:59:43
Nope.
It doesn't sound like you're trampling people's boundaries or anything to get your needs met.
It's ok to be needy. It's ok to need. It's normal and human and honest of you to admit.
Of course (while I really hate this part) it's ok for others not to be able to meet your needs at any given moment. But you seem to realize that which I think clears you completely.
It also sounds like you have a pretty wide support network. Kudos! I have the problem of not having enough legs on my support stool, which causes me to put too much weight on the ones I do have.
Thank heavens dogs make up part of my support network. :)
Posted by llrrrpp on June 15, 2006, at 23:11:12
In reply to Re: I'm (too?) needy » llrrrpp, posted by Dinah on June 14, 2006, at 9:18:42
>It also sounds like you have a pretty wide support network. Kudos! I have the problem of not having enough legs on my support stool, which causes me to put too much weight on the ones I do have.
I don't put enough weight on them, and then they forget that they are actually supposed to be there for me. They walk away casually. Not meaning to actively hurt me, just forgetful.
See, in my illness, time passes in strange ways. I feel like I've been sick forever. I can't remember things from yesterady or last week, so it seems longer ago.
In the real world, when you tell your friend "we should get together sometime" Sure, I'll call you - and then 10 days go by. Well, in their world, time went by in a blink. In my world, time ekes.
It's summertime, and I'm a student. My support network is scattering as we speak. tough. very tough.
I need to be a little squeekier. Hey! you said we could go shopping this weekend. How's Saturday. Ugh. That sets me up wide open for a flat out rejection. Ugh.
Courage, Courage lurpsie
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