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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by ClearSkies on May 26, 2006, at 10:28:22
I guess this is the right place to post this.
What can I do to stop trying to get the world to approve of me? I look for validation everywhere. From grocery store clerks (a smile, acknowledgement, small talk) to therapists ('nuff said about that) to my mom, whose silences are deafening, to step kids (please, confide in me, love me, compare me to their mom), to my husband (see how good I can cook, can clean, can keep myself organized), to Babble (do I really help anyone? does anyone notice me).... it's all around me. Even when I do get validation, like I do time and again here, it falls over some precipice inside me, and I have to keep looking, keep asking.
I see my approval seeking behaviour like a bottomless glass that can never ever be filled. And no matter how many loving and caring people I have surrounding me, I always feel alone and unseen.
It's warped, distorted, and persistent. How can I change this part of myself that I loathe so deeply? When can I say that I'm enough?
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 26, 2006, at 10:47:01
In reply to Approval seeking, posted by ClearSkies on May 26, 2006, at 10:28:22
> When can I say that I'm enough?
When you actually say it.
I don't mean my answer to sound trite. It is anything but. But it is that simple. When you collect yourself, your memories, your fears, your hopes and dreams, your experiences, your failures, your favourite foods, your excesses, your generosity, your empathy, your anger, your love, your everything. When you sit it down, and embrace it. It is what it is. Until you stop hoping it would be something else, when you realize that it is what it is, then you find acceptance of self.
It too is a journey.
All the good stuff is a journey.
But the closer you get to it, the nicer the scenery becomes.
You already have a map.
It is what it is. You are you. Embrace it. Embrace you with all you have in you.
Even if it feels empty to do it, you fake it until you make it. Practise does matter. The more you practise, the better it is. You have to start somewhere. You have to start.
Bless you for asking.
Lar
Posted by ClearSkies on May 26, 2006, at 12:01:05
In reply to Re: Approval seeking » ClearSkies, posted by Larry Hoover on May 26, 2006, at 10:47:01
I wasn't expecting to cry today.
Posted by Larry Hoover on May 26, 2006, at 12:45:59
In reply to Re: Approval seeking » Larry Hoover, posted by ClearSkies on May 26, 2006, at 12:01:05
> I wasn't expecting to cry today.
You have begun the journey from here to there.
Love,
Lar
Posted by Racer on May 26, 2006, at 12:47:26
In reply to Approval seeking, posted by ClearSkies on May 26, 2006, at 10:28:22
I was just talking to someone yesterday about exactly this. We were talking about how we just can't seem to take in the good stuff, but we instantly internalize the bad. I was saying something along the lines of, "You'd think that we'd have more trouble internalizing the bad, and that it would be easy to internalize the good..." (And then I promptly saw the problem, but she explained it so I'll use hers...)
And that's exactly how it would be, IF
If our parents had mirrored us as infants.
If our parents had validated us as children.
If we'd learned in childhood that we were all right even if we weren't perfect.
If our parents had seen us as individuals.
If our parents had encouraged us.
If -- if our lives had been different, they wouldn't be the same.
But the bottom line is that there's no way we'll ever have the approval of our mothers. Even if our mothers tomorrow said that we were as good as they'd ever wanted, and that they were proud of us, it still wouldn't fill that need, because the need is over, it's in the past, all we're really feeling right now is the artifact of that need.
I've been told that it will heal once I accept that it happened. Once I accept it and grieve for it, I'll be able to move past it. My T told me this, as did GG, and I trust both of them. (Hear that, GG? ;-P) That doesn't mean I'm ready to do it -- it's too damned frightening! I'm afraid that if I admit it, and allow that pain to come, it'll overwhelm me, and drown me. But I do accept that it's what I will need to do to move forward. That's maybe the first step?
And even though I haven't done it yet, and can't imagine having the courage to do it, I think that once I can, it'll do a lot towards stopping some of the eating disorder. Maybe if you can do the same, it can help with your little problem?
I know -- it hardly seems the same as the whole approval/validation thing, but I'm pretty well convinced by what they've said...
Posted by Phillipa on May 26, 2006, at 13:25:38
In reply to Re: Approval seeking » ClearSkies, posted by Racer on May 26, 2006, at 12:47:26
Same here the past what my Mother blamed me off I believe it even though I know it's not rationally true that I killed her cause she had to carry me up two flights of stairs as a baby. But my emotional mind can't accept it so I constantly punish myself. Love Phillipa oh Wildcard said the same thing to me. But I don't seem to be able to believe it.
Posted by Deneb on May 26, 2006, at 14:54:13
In reply to Approval seeking, posted by ClearSkies on May 26, 2006, at 10:28:22
It sounds like you may have never found the love and approval you needed in childhood. That must be a difficult thing to get over.
It's hard to learn to give yourself that love and approval you so desire when no one was there to give it to you.
I hope now that you are more conscious of this approval seeking that you will actively try to give it to yourself. You deserve to feel good about yourself, you go above and beyond when it comes to helping others.
Deneb*
Posted by ClearSkies on May 26, 2006, at 21:23:57
In reply to Re: Approval seeking » ClearSkies, posted by Racer on May 26, 2006, at 12:47:26
Gahhh. Typing up posts and then discarding them before I commit.
So to accept what I loathe about myself is key. How to work towards acceptance instead of trying to fill the voids with everything else. Sometimes it feel like I'm farther along, then I get days like these when it rears up and knocks me back.
I can't really grasp what I'm trying to do.
Posted by Racer on May 27, 2006, at 10:18:57
In reply to Re: Approval seeking, posted by ClearSkies on May 26, 2006, at 21:23:57
And the bad news?
That means you're doing it right!
This isn't a linear process, CS. It's gonna be much more like one of those dances where you take a couple of steps this way, then a step or two back. And there will be a few spins in it, too... But you're DOING IT, and this is one of those places in life where that really IS the only success. Think about it -- the only time anyone can say you have successfully perfected yourself is when you're dead. Doesn't do you any good then, does it? Wouldn't you rather be OK, or Good Enough while you're alive, rather than having people say, "She successfully completed therapy and the self-work she needed" after you're gone?
And CS? You really are good enough, and if it matters -- some of us wouldn't trade you for any other Canadian.
xoxo
This is the end of the thread.
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